Friend's sister - go for it or not?

LegacyUser

Having a bit of a dilemma here, and hoping the good folks of boards might be able offer me some advice.

Anyway, I'm a guy in my 20's, and one of my good friends is a girl who I've known for about 5-6 years at this stage. Knowing her this long, I've also gotten to know some of her family, including her sisters. I've had a bit of a thing for one of her sisters for a while, on and off (the on and off because it could be a few months between us seeing each other at a time, more than anything else), and I've gotten the impression that it may be reciprocated a few times, but never really did anything about it on account of being friends with her sister, and not wanting to risk that.

In the last few months though, I really think we've been getting closer. I met her out one night, and she seemed very interested in me (quite touchy-feely, taking me by the arm, etc.), but she was also pretty drunk, and I was fairly sober, so I made a conscious effort not to let anything happen, on account of not liking to take advantage in general, never mind when I know the girl's family! Soon after, we ended up swapping numbers (I saw a chance to do this, and took it, as having each others numbers is harmless enough). Since then, we've been texting each other and chatting online pretty regularly, almost non-stop at times, to the extent that she was away abroad for a weekend and we were still texting each other, albeit a bit less often.

A couple of weeks ago, she invited me along to house party in her friends' place, and I said "sure what the hell?" and went along. She lives a bit away, and decided she didn't want to get a taxi home when we left in the wee hours, preferring to crash for the night and get public transport, so she came back to mine. We both ended up in my bed, and after a while ended up kissing and cuddling, but no more. This whole thing would sort of confirm my general suspicions about reciprocation at this stage, and this time around we had both had a few drinks, but neither of us was hammered or anything.

Anyway, at this stage, I'm still not really sure whether I should try and pursue something, or just leave it be. From what I gather, she hasn't said anything about what happened to her sister or anyone, and we haven't really talked about it since ourselves, though we have been texting, etc as much as ever (her weekend away was since then).

I really think I like this girl, more and more as I get to know her, but I'm still ever wary of pursuing anything here. My mates (the guys anyway) and I generally have a rule about friends' sisters being off limits, and I really don't want to jeopardise my friendship with the first girl over this. Not to mention, that if things didn't work out, who knows what kind of mess that could be! On the other hand, I like to think I'm a nice guy, and that maybe my friend wouldn't mind her sister going out with (someone like) me, in this situation.

Has anyone any advice/experiences to offer?

seamus

I can understand family being off-limits to a certain extent, but as you get older it should become less of an issue.

There's a very good reason why friends' siblings are attractive - they have a similar background and personality to your friend, so you're naturally going to be drawn to them too.

The main issue is with things going wrong. When you're younger, things tend to go very sour and stupid and fester for years, and you can't even be in the same place at the same time. People tend to accumulate more cop with age, so a failed relationship is easier written off and forgotten about, and you can still be friendly without breaking into tears/a rage every time you see them.

Best thing is to always clear it with your mate - tell her the truth and ask her if she'd be cool with it.

theTinker

Ask your friend if its cool if you date her sister, Tell her you and the sister like each other. Respect her opinion, but only allow her to deny you if she has good reasons. If its cool will your friend, then by all means go for it. Just play the decent lad when it comes to breaking up etc.

shellyboo

I'd say go for it, too... you seem to really like this girl and it would be a shame to pass up the chance to find someone you really click with over some imagined issue with her family. Do the decent thing and mention it to your friend first - if you're a nice guy and a good friend she won't have a problem with it!

Colonel_McCoy

go for it................live life with no regrets

littlebitdull

Its just possible that you could end up lossing your friend by not dating her sister. Perhaps said sister is hopeing that something will happen between you too, and if you leave it much longer she will end up bitching about you to her sister?

I would say - go for it. Ask the sister out properly, phone her, make a date for a day or two later, you can be sure then if its a problem with her sister (your friend) you will hear about it!

Good luck.

Rosita

theTinker wrote: »

Ask your friend if its cool if you date her sister, Tell her you and the sister like each other. Respect her opinion, but only allow her to deny you if she has good reasons. If its cool will your friend, then by all means go for it. Just play the decent lad when it comes to breaking up etc.

I couldn't disagee with this more. Number one, the friend should not have a veto on who he dates, and number two, 'good reasons' is a subjective matter. It's something she either has a problem with or not - they are unlikely to agree on what good reasons are if they discuss the matter.

If this friendship is even remotely worthwhile it should survive the "trauma" of the guy going out with her sister. It seems to me there is far too much store being put on this friendship in this matter.

Dave!

Simple solution really: ask your mate would it be okay and explain that you genuinely like her, and aren't just after your hole, etc.

She says yes, game ball. She says no, move on.

If ye are good mates, there's no reason why she would say no really. Sisters are off-limits for scoring randomly, etc, but I wouldn't say they're off-limits for actual relationships like......

A Primal Nut

Should I? wrote: »

We both ended up in my bed, and after a while ended up kissing and cuddling, but no more. This whole thing would sort of confirm my general suspicions about reciprocation at this stage,

Sort of confirmed?:D

Why didn't you just go for it and see what heppens? If ya know what I mean:rolleyes:

Seriously stop being so nice, worrying about taking advantage, etc - you don't have to be Mother Theresa to get a girl, just go for it and see what happens.

As for her friend, don't really see what the problem is. If it was a guy friend, well they can be protective, but its a female friend so no problem there. Just tell her you're interested in her sister; get her approval first if it makes you more comfortable. If she has a problem with it (I don't see why she would) its her problem. Are you sure you wouldn't jeapordise a friendship for a relationship? Much easier to find another friend than a girlfriend.

And seriously hurry up, the longer you leave it; the less confident you'll appear; the more likely she'll meet someone else; the more likely you'll get stuck in friend zone, etc, etc. Its clear as day she's waiting for you to initiate something.

Rosita

A Primal Nut wrote: »

Just tell her you're interested in her sister; get her approval first if it makes you more comfortable. If she has a problem with it (I don't see why she would) its her problem. Are you sure you wouldn't jeapordise a friendship for a relationship? Much easier to find another friend than a girlfriend.

Why on earth would you advise someone to ask for "approval" (I think this defies belief by the way ) and then in the next sentence tell them to ignore it if the approval is withheld and carry on anyway?

gaybitch

The other sister, your friend - she probably knows already! If her sister hasn't told her, she'll probably have seen the signs a mile off months ago. If she had a real problem with it, or had a real problem with you being friends with her siblings, you'd most likely know about it already, wouldn't you? I'm sure how close you've gotten hasn't escaped everybody's notice. The quicker you mention it in passing to your friend to gauge her reaction and see if she's cool with it, the better.

I would say, though, that if your friend isn't happy about it to just back away and leave it. No point starting an argument between sisters and yourself - they will never properly fall out, but you may be left out of the loop with both of them.

However, from the tone and content of your posts I'd say you don't really have any problem there really! Seems like your friend would be cool with it, and seems like the sister is really into you. The texting gives it away so much!

Stop worrying and see what happens!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Has the platonic sister ever commented?

More importantly, has anything ever happened romantically with the platonic sister? Or has she ever been interested in you?

If the answer to the second part is no, I can't see an issue. However by virtue of the fact that you've posted this and the friend is female I'm guessing you've left some details out.

These possible details are does the platonic one know about your history with women, would she have a good impression of you in that regard?

Even if she does she might get territorial, if you do go out with her sister your relationship is most definitely going to change if you're any way close/ happens when friends go out with friends so bound to be at least somewhat similar with sisters.

LegacyUser

Wow, quite a few responses, more than I was expecting to be honest! Thanks though, it's all much appreciated.

Anyway, some people are looking for more detail, so I'll try to fill in what blanks I can without giving too much away (I don't think anyone else involved reads boards, but Ireland is too small a place in my experience!)

@Bottle_of_Smoke: No, platonic sister has never commented (to me anyway), and never been interested that I've ever been aware of. I didn't deliberately leave out any detail I thought relevant, but i tried not to put too much in either. Anyway, I think the platonic one would have some idea, and I really don't have any skeletons in the closet in that regard - I've always had fairly limited luck, and not enough to build a bad history. I'm fully aware that things could change were I to give things a go, which is why I'm looking for asome outside perspective here.

@gaybitch: the problem here is that I don't see as much of my friend as I would have done in the past, on account of work and the like, mentioning it in passing is easier said than done. I don't know whether she has spotted anything, but if she wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't be keen in going ahead, cos that's just asking for awkwardness!

For others, thanks for the advice, it's appreciated. The platonic friendship is not something I'd want to risk, to answer one or two comments, for a number of reasons, including that we are both part of a larger group of friends, so if any messiness arose, it could spill over and cause all sorts of problems there! I don't have any sisters myself, so this whole attitude isn't one I've been able to hold/experience, hence looking for people's advice on this!

The general impression I'm getting is to cop on and man up, so I think I'll go down that road. Best thing I can think of would be to talk to the sister I'm interested in, and once we're on the same page (and if I haven't been going mad and am correct!) then bring it up with the platonic sister - it'd seem a bit unnecessary to raise it if it turns out I'm barking up the wrong tree, not to mention I'd probably want to make sure the one I'm interested in would be ok bringing it up with her sister

Dave!

I really don't see how you could be barking up the wrong tree mate Ye lay in bed kissing and cuddling each other.....

That's a pretty unambiguous sign! Congrats!