Thinking of leaving wife

LegacyUser

Hi, I really need help with a huge issue in my life because it’s eating me up inside, sorry it’s quite long. I would have posted this a fortnight ago, but I was afraid of the answers I would get, but now I know I need to be honest with myself.

I’m married to my wife for three years, and we’re together for 8 (both in our early 30s) and I thought everything was just fine in our relationship. Until about two months ago, when I kissed a girl from work (three years younger than me) whom I had been attracted to for a while (she is very much my type). We had been a bit flirty with each other, and I just took the decision to kiss her after a work dinner.

Anyway, after the kiss, I couldn’t get her out of my mind, and as it turned out, she was thinking about me constantly too. She is in a four year relationship with her BF, which she is about to end. Since the kiss, we talked a lot about starting an affair and have since done that.

As crazy as it seems (short space of time), we’ve completely fallen for each other. Neither of us can figure out how it happened (and we’re both intelligent people), but it has.
I never thought there was any problem in my marriage, but obviously there was, and now I’m starting to look at it and try to figure out what the problem was. I think what may have happened was my relationship with my wife turned into a companionship somewhere down the line.

At this stage, the girl from work is splitting from her BF and I am considering leaving my wife. We have both attempted to end the affair, but seeing each other all the time at work doesn’t help (quitting/moving department isn’t an option), and we both feel so strongly about each other. We tried to finish again earlier in the week, and both of us were torn apart inside.

The way I feel about her, I never felt when I fell for my wife. Now what I’m wondering is that maybe this is all just about the novelty of a new relationship, and maybe I was just bored with the routine in marriage.

But if I decided to stay with my wife, I feel I would begin to resent her for “stopping me” from a possibly happier life with this girl, and that I “love her” but am “in love with” this girl. And to me there seems to be a huge difference. I just think I’d be a complete bastard to leave my wife, but wouldn’t I also be a complete bastard to stay with my wife if I’m not totally happy, and effectively be living a lie? The way things are, my wife knows something isn’t right, and I feel like I’ve started to treat her a bit like sh.t, all the while asking myself do I even love this person anymore.

I just don’t know what to do, but I know it’s time for me to be honest with myself and fair to my wife, which is why I’m posting this.

The Sweeper

1) Got kids?
2) Got joint assets?
3) Got to be joking?

Leave your wife. It'd be different if you were torn up about your feelings for your wife, but you're not. You're in love with someone else (and how I think that relationship's going to fare six months down the line is a WHOLE other thread) and you sound like you don't even like your missus.

shellyboo

You say nothing about feeling guilty for cheating on your wife with this woman - and if you don't even care about her that much, it's time to leave. I could rant on about your selfishness and carelessness in letting this happen when, as you say, there was nothing wrong in your relationship bar the 'companionship' that your wife offers (which, I think you'll find, is what marriage is all about) - but I'm not going to.

Whether this new relationship will work or not is debatable, but your relationship with your wife was over the second you stopped caring about her feelings.

Dave!

Sounds to me like you want to have your cake and eat it too... Don't you want the companionship that comes with an 8 year relationship? I'm sure you do. But yes, you also want the dynamism that comes with a new relationship. If you leave your wife and stay with this other woman for 8 years, do you think you will still have the same (fresh) relationship? Or will it evolve into the companionship you have with your current wife?

I don't know what the answer is really. You've already cheated on your wife repeatedly and betrayed her trust. It would be dishonest and unfair on her (IMO) for you to continue in this manner, or indeed to go back to the way it was and pretend none of this happened.

Perhaps it would be for the best if you went your seperate ways.

MagicMarker

what_to_do? wrote: »

I just think I’d be a complete bastard to leave my wife, but wouldn’t I also be a complete bastard to stay with my wife if I’m not totally happy, and effectively be living a lie? The way things are, my wife knows something isn’t right, and I feel like I’ve started to treat her a bit like sh.t, all the while asking myself do I even love this person anymore.

I just don’t know what to do, but I know it’s time for me to be honest with myself and fair to my wife, which is why I’m posting this.

Jesus man, if you don't think you've been treating your wife like shít for the last few months then you seriously need a reality check.

Grow a pair ffs.

ChickCool

be honest with your wife-thats the least she deserves. let her talk about your relationship, love, being cheated on, being betrayed, being treated like crap from her husband and her leaving you, then see how you feel about it. It might give you a bit of perspective

Dizzyblonde

Do your wife a favour and leave her - that way she'll be free to meet someone who really does love her. If you have a shred of decency, call a halt to your affair until you've sorted things out with your wife - then you can go and do whatever you like.
I wonder if this girl thinks you'll show her any more respect than you've shown your wife?

I just don’t know what to do, but I know it’s time for me to be honest with myself and fair to my wife

It's a bit late for that, don't you think?

Dwn Wth Vwls

One thing to bear in mind is the trust issues you may have if you do pursue the new relationship. You were both willing to have an affair and cheat on your partners.

jessbeth

Well maybe it would be best to leave your wife if your not treating her well and you don't feel love for her anymore. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this just because you are in love with someone else and you'll only do more damage in the long run by staying. At least if you get out then she will have a chance to be happy with someone else too. I can't condone that you started an affair with this new girl but you can't help who you fall in love with either. Just be open and honest with your wife and make a clean break or else sit down and talk it all out and cut out the other women completely.

di11on

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

1) Got kids?
2) Got joint assets?
3) Got to be joking?

Leave your wife. It'd be different if you were torn up about your feelings for your wife, but you're not. You're in love with someone else (and how I think that relationship's going to fare six months down the line is a WHOLE other thread) and you sound like you don't even like your missus.

So the public commitment and declaration the OP made to his wife in front of many witnesses and to God (if he had a church wedding) means absolutely nothing at all?

Does marriage have no value?

OP: Because you are in the throes of an affair with all the heights of emotions that involves, you assume there is something wrong with your relationship with your wife and are retrospectively looking for issues to justify continuing your affair.

I believe you are right - you do need to be honest with yourself. And I suspect if you are, you will realise that you are where you are now as a result of choices you have made and not as a result of some "problems" that you have retrospectively preceived in your marriage.

Silverfish

di11on wrote: »

So the public commitment and declaration the OP made to his wife in front of many witnesses and to God (if he had a church wedding) means absolutely nothing at all?

Does marriage have no value?

The OP decided his marriage had no value when he decided to embark on an affair.

OP, time to bite the bullet, leave your wife, let her find someone who cares for her.

dade

di11on wrote: »

So the public commitment and declaration the OP made to his wife in front of many witnesses and to God (if he had a church wedding) means absolutely nothing at all?

only if he values those things and fears the wrath of god. in my experience many people get married in the church but are not practicing their faith in any other way myself & my wife included. we practice our beliefs in other ways

di11on wrote: »

Does marriage have no value?

that depends, is the possibility of misery in an unhappy marriage any more valuable than some vows said in front of friends and family. God only comes into it if the OP really practices and believes their faith and not just pays lip service.

di11on wrote: »

OP: Because you are in the throes of an affair with all the heights of emotions that involves, you assume there is something wrong with your relationship with your wife and are retrospectively looking for issues to justify continuing your affair.

or maybe there is actually something wrong with it. I'm not trying to justify the OPs actions. he did what he did for his own reasons. but embarking on an affair can be because something is lacking in the current relationship and one party for what ever reason can not raise that issue with their partner. on the other had it could be because that person is a dog.

di11on wrote: »

I believe you are right - you do need to be honest with yourself. And I suspect if you are, you will realise that you are where you are now as a result of choices you have made and not as a result of some "problems" that you have retrospectively preceived in your marriage.

i don't agree there may very well be a problem in his marriage. but the best course of action IMO would be to look deeply at the root cause of these problems and try resolve them. the OP got married to his wife for a reason, maybe things have just gone stale and the love he now feels for his waif is familiarity. while the love he feels for this woman in work is actually fueled by excitement of something new.

OP I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I don't know you from Adam but i would suggest you look deep inside yourself and find out why you are where you are. I'd suggest if possible take some time out from work and stay away from temptation as much as possible. I'd also suggest if possible some time away from your wife. just you alone to figure out what it is you really want and how you really feel about everyone. once you know that you are petter prepared to make the tough choice you have to make. but remember the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. don't regret inaction because of how others will feel. it is ultimately you that you that you will have to answer to and your own face that you will have to look at each and every day no matter what course of action you take.

dade

Silverfish wrote: »

OP, time to bite the bullet, leave your wife, let her find someone who cares for her.

or try and find what the root cause of the problem is and fix it.

dudara

OP, don't justify your actions after the fact. You should not have embarked upon this affair with out attempting to work on the relationship with your wife.

What would I recommend? Stop seeing this other girl now and rediscover your decency and manhood. Treat your wife with decency and respect. That way, whether your relationship survives or not, you will have tackled it in a respectful and decent way.

Find your balls and act like a husband.

Bottle_of_Smoke

dudara wrote: »

OP, don't justify your actions after the fact. You should not have embarked upon this affair with out attempting to work on the relationship with your wife.

What would I recommend? Stop seeing this other girl now and rediscover your decency and manhood. Treat your wife with decency and respect. That way, whether your relationship survives or not, you will have tackled it in a respectful and decent way.

Find your balls and act like a husband.

I think that's nonsense. If he does it he'll be miserable without his new girl & resent his wife.

Whether he sticks with the affair girl or not is pretty much irrelevent. As is any justifications. He obviously doesn't want to be with his wife and if he does he'll just cheat on her again.

Op I'd say leave her. I say this a lot but talk to a counsellor, will help you think more clearly and see what you really want.

nc13

I think the OP wants someone else to make the choice for him so he won't feel guilty. Be a man and take responsibility for your own selfishness.

evil-monkey

just make SURE you really do love this girl at work. you probably know better than me, but you can't really know you're right for someone til you've lived with em, shared farts under the blankets, that sorta thing...

hope it all works out for ya - i imagine it's not a nice situation to be in...

punchdrunk

i think it's a done deed,and you should be honest with yourself and realise the relationship with your wife is over so end it while she's still young enough to move on and have kid's with somebody else,don't fcuk around for another few years and leave her at 40

LegacyUser

Married for a few years more than yourself.
The spark is gone from our marraige. Does it go from all marraiges?

On occasion I'd wonder should I have stayed with "that" girl I dated through college.
Weren't we mad about each other?

I've gained a lot. Children, a home, friend for life etc.

What did I miss out on?

Did I make the right decision or the wrong one?

I don't know.
I'll never know.

I wish you all the best.

happypartygirl

I really feel for your wife. To have you lying in the bed with her every night, who she loves with all of her heart, and for you to be deceiving her in such a cruel way. How can you even look her in the eyes when you know what you are doing to her? How much you would devastate her if she found out? Its just so heartless and cruel. I hope that you decide that you want to make a go of things with this other woman, so that your wife can move on and know exactly what type of husband she has, and find someone who will treat her properly.

pearcider

Companionship versus Spark
Married for a few years more than yourself.
The spark is gone from our marraige. Does it go from all marraiges?

On occasion I'd wonder should I have stayed with "that" girl I dated through college.
Weren't we mad about each other?

I've gained a lot. Children, a home, friend for life etc.

What did I miss out on?

Did I make the right decision or the wrong one?

I don't know.
I'll never know.

I wish you all the best.

Heavy! :eek:

Dizzyblonde

Unregistered wrote: »

Married for a few years more than yourself.
The spark is gone from our marraige. Does it go from all marraiges?

On occasion I'd wonder should I have stayed with "that" girl I dated through college.
Weren't we mad about each other?

I've gained a lot. Children, a home, friend for life etc.

What did I miss out on?

Did I make the right decision or the wrong one?

I don't know.
I'll never know.

I wish you all the best.

If the spark is gone you have to take half the blame. Relationships need to be worked at so if I were you I'd be wondering what I could do to liven it up a bit

Marksie

Unregistered wrote: »

Married for a few years more than yourself.
The spark is gone from our marraige. Does it go from all marraiges?

On occasion I'd wonder should I have stayed with "that" girl I dated through college.
Weren't we mad about each other?

I've gained a lot. Children, a home, friend for life etc.

What did I miss out on?

Did I make the right decision or the wrong one?

I don't know.
I'll never know.

I wish you all the best.

Sparks can be recaptured, you need to ant to wokr at it openly. choose the right path and the spark can be rekindled comlpetely and more

LegacyUser

Mate, lads and ladies

Just reading through this and for the most part everyone jumps in saying the poor wife, she loves you, you did something so bad bla bla bla ....

We don't now the story here, none of us can make the choice for you. You need to think about all you have, what you'll gain by leaving.

If you feel your wife loves you and she still does her best to make you happy then your a lucky man and it would be hard to find that again.

But if you and her have just become friends, and its a case that you both live in the same place but neither of you want each other, well its time to go. You should always still want and fancy your partner. I'm 11 years in mine, still want her and can't think of a life without her. But I'm sorry to say she doesn't feel the same (before people jump on the band wagen, we've talked and she told me so). I could be leaving as well.

Anyway, best of luck I hope things work out for you all.

crackedactor

It sounds so much to me like you are trying to justify the reasons for having the affair by blaming how you feel about your wife now. Companionship is a lovely part of any relationship (and I'm a guy) The newness and novelty always goes away. Why do so many people blame their partners when they feel unfulfilled in their life ? It's always someone else's fault..

Redpunto

You say you would be a complete bastard if you left your wife,, you are already one for cheating on her and pursuing this affair for months.

You need to tell your wife and you wont have a choice about whether to leave or not,,,she'll kick you out.

Start a new life with this new woman and after a while when she'll come home late you'll start thinking about how she cheated on her long term boyfriend and maybe she could do it to you.

LegacyUser

"For better, for worse..."

Remember those words? You and your wife made this vow to each other, here is a bad time - work through it. Remember why you asked your wife to marry you and try to recapture some of those feelings.

Notorious

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I think that's nonsense. If he does it he'll be miserable without his new girl & resent his wife.

Whether he sticks with the affair girl or not is pretty much irrelevent. As is any justifications. He obviously doesn't want to be with his wife and if he does he'll just cheat on her again.

Op I'd say leave her. I say this a lot but talk to a counsellor, will help you think more clearly and see what you really want.

IMOH, the OP has made a commitment to his wife. I think he should put his d**k back in his pants and take some time away from this 'new girl'. You say you've fallen for her, but surely you fell for your current wife when you met her. Whats to say 8 years down the line the same thing happens again? This new girl just cheated on hew bf, so she could easily cheat on you.

Regardless of your final decision you should 'fess up to your wife and talk with her about your relationship with her. After eight years with you, she at least deserves to know what you did.

Scoobydoobydoo

I think you should go to see a relationship counsellor on your own, to sort your head out, because they will ask you the right questions, and help you see things more clearly from all angles.
I don't think you should rush into anything until you do this, because there are too many lives you're about to potentially damage. I'm not saying you should stay with your wife, but she deserves some respect, and you sound horrible, not just selfishly having an affair, thinking of destroying her life, but also being mean to her when you're with her? I don't know why anyone would want to be with someone like that. Would you?
You said you thought your marriage was fine until you met this girl, then you made a decision to embark on an affair. Why did you do this, behind your wife's back? I mean, why did you not split from your wife, and your mistress split from her boyfriend, and then get together? Sounds like you were both trying each other on for size first, knowing that if you didn't suit each other, that you still had your respective partners to fall back on, which is extremely mean & disrespectful of both of you.
In this way, it sounds like you might deserve each other, but then again, neither of you are trustworthy in a relationship, and will enter into one knowing this. What happens when the spark is gone in that relationship?
Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves to be happy, but not by trampling over others. Leaving your wife might even be the right thing, but all your actions so far, the way you're going about things now is really crappy.
I hope there aren't any children involved.

tinabyrne5

I agree with crackedactor and redpunto on this matter. Imo i think your wife is better off without you and the "FEELINGS" you have for the new girl is nothing more than LUST that will fade and when they do, you will find yourself alone regretting what you have done!
Best of luck....to your wife.

seahorse

what_to_do? wrote: »

I feel like I’ve started to treat her a bit like sh.t, all the while asking myself do I even love this person anymore.

"A bit"??? Are you serious????? You've been treating her like sh!t on the ground from the moment you started this affair.

Good luck with this person you've met who's happy to sleep with someone who's married. I know it's not a 'quality' I'd want in a partner.

soveryconfused

i find myself in the same situation. i met my wife when i was 19, we married when i was 27 and am now 36. we made a good life together, bought a house, made a home, have 3 beautiful children. like others life got unexciting, and yes i did try to liven things up. i would suggest subtle changes to our life, encourage her to go out with her friends as we are always together on our free time. sex was another issue and once every 2 to 3 weeks was not enough but when we did have sex it was fantastic. anyway i always got on really well with a colleague in work, we have worked with each other for the last 14 years and were always attracted to each other, we would flirt at the christmas party and end up at the end of the night talking (nothing else). this last year i have known my feelings had been increasing for her and we were out celebrating at a work do, i made a move and she reacted, we only kissed although very passionately. we made contact following day and called things off. the following week we were at a colleagues wedding and we started flirting by text againg nothing happend that night and when we met in work, we both said we had to stop as we were both married. the atmosphere in work was uncomfortable and awkward between us and we arranged to meet up to get the sexual tenison out of the way, this led to an affair that has lasted 9 weeks until we were caught. i was relived to be caught as i had lost a lot of weight, was on edge all the time. my wife was very calm and let me sleep in our bed the same night and actually wanted me to make lover to her, i couldnt as i was guilty and actually upset that i could do something so horrible to her and she didnt react with the love and passion i would expect a betrayed spouse to have done. we have said we would try to work this out, but i have my doubts as to this working, i still feel for the girl in work - who has left her husband. my feelings are confused for my wife as she deserves more then to be treated like this and accept it.
i have told her we will try but again and again i keep thinking of throwing in the towel. i dont know what scares me most. my kids growing up in a seperated household as i did, taking a chance with new woman, financial security, perhaps getting this weak again in a few years and end up in a cycle of affairs.
i didnt expect to write so much but it just came out.

Zaph

soveryconfused, I'm not really sure if you're looking for advice here or not, but in general we prefer people to start their own threads rather than dig up year old threads and tack their issue onto the end of it. I'm going to lock this now, but if you are looking for some advice please feel free to start a thread of your own.