Girlfriend as masseur...uncontrollable jealousy

LegacyUser

I love this girl. Alot. She's recently started a course in massage therapy and it's driving me crazy.

Where to start? I've actually started to grow greys over this.

I consider what we have, between us, to be very special and very sacred. I would be of the mind that her hands are for me and mine are for her. I don't know if other masseurs partners just exert some unbelieve self control and calm, or if I just love her too much - too much to share something that sensual with someone else.

I know her mind, and I know she would never think of it as anything sexual. She's very professional in that manner. It's the recipient...that nagging thought of someone being pleased by my partner.

Internet research hasn't helped either. Erection, ejaculations, come-ons. Inflicting more paranoia on an already paranoid mind.

Again and again on the topic of male arousal, I see that the female masseur seems to simply ignore it...or even talk about it. I'm normally a level headed person, but there's a primal rage that seems to come out when these topics are brought to the fore.
There seems to be a double standard here. I've read from male masseurs that if they were massaging another male, who consiquently became aroused during the session, they would politely end the session.

Why should the case be any different for women?

I really don't want my partner - whom I love dearly - to have to do her job and accept the fact that men will become aroused during the session, or to become accustomed to being around other men with erections. The thought makes me sick.

I also know how my strange mind works, and know that sometimes paranoia can snowball, so I asked her the following.

"Let's flip the tables here. I'm a masseur. I do the same thing to women that you do to your clients"

She was annoyed.

"Nobody but me is allowed to touch you like that"

She said. I informed her of her double standard which - out of necessity - forced her to change her mind.
I can still tell by the sound of her voice that she wouldn't be comfortable.

What is wrong with my mind? Why can't I just let it be?
Help me boardsies. I am in much pain.

Marksie

Actually OP, I have just started a course as a holistic massage therapist and tbh your post absolutely astounds me. Personal/professional boundaries are ingrained into every therapist and "towelling" ..the means of moving towels so that only the body part working on is uncovered.
The type of massage swedish/holistic is standard in many hotels in the spas there without any hint of inpropriety. "clients" jesus..it not a knockling shop... really get over it.

Pleasing? FFS really look at yourself.Its swedish/holistic and i ptresume she will ahve to take exams.

This is totally separate from a tantra sesnual massage with a partner as chalk is to cheese

What if she was a sports therapist..woudl you be as paranoid

Working in a nightclub or bar? where she is exposed to guys on the make all the time.

I dont know where you have sought your information but obviously your internet sources are unreliable.

There are no double standards, just your totally unreasonable paranoia and jealousy.

Help you? Well now the only one who can help is yourself and i think that you have to look at where your ideas spring from.
Your poorgirlfriend should not be subjected to this.

LegacyUser

Perhaps you should research the career you're choosing a little closer. Male arousal and erections are commonplace in this line of work.

What do you think the point of a massage is? It is to become completely relaxed. It's a pleasurable experience...hence, pleasure is derived from it? Soothing music, candles etc.
A sports massage is like going a round with Tyson. Completely different and incomparable.

For your amusement:
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=520416
http://thebodyworker.com/massage_blog/erections-during-massage/ Good discussion here

or simply google massage ethics, erections etc

I'm sorry if i've offended you in any way poster. Let's get this straight, I'm not saying there's anything sensual or sexual on the the masseurs part. They're professionals.

I'm saying I'm getting annoyed at the fact that she is going to be in an environment with aroused males, erections and - the not so rare case - of ejaculation. (Google it)

As for your comparison to working in a nightclub or a bar. The only bar I can think of where there's an equal level of clothing is a strip club! (I'm joking with you..:P)

cowzerp

grow a pair, its a good honest job.

LegacyUser

**** it man. Ye know you're right.
I'm just a paranoid twat sometimes.

Marksie

I am not annoyed at all.

By your own admission the masseusse is a professional: therefore the issue is in your head.

All your reading will just keep you in a lather and jealousy.
Perhaps you should spend more time googling "coping with unreasonable jealousy" rather than "a funny thing happened on the way to the spa".

Simply put: if you don't get over it, you will lose her.

LegacyUser

Marksie wrote: »

Perhaps you should spend more time googling "coping with unreasonable jealousy"

actually have. I need help. Anyway, thanks for the no nonsense replies. It's what I needed. My mind just spirals into a hole sometimes.

Kooli

Of course if you google MASSAGE ERECTION you're gonna find something you don't want to see! You're actually LOOKING for something to justify what is essentially unreasonable jealousy. And when you say its because you 'love her too much' it makes me feel a bit sick - this is about you controlling her and possessing her, this isn't about love.

Agent Smith

ever pull out your back?


thye do good work. its an honnest profession.

as mentioned before, grow a pair!

Dizzyblonde

I'm not surprised your girlfriend got annoyed, your attitude is highly insulting to her.

To the vast majority of people a massage is just that.

In your original post you wrote; 'I would be of the mind that her hands are for me and mine are for her.' That's ridiculous and more than a little worrying.

jessbeth

If she's learning to do holistic massage then I can't understand what you're worried about. It's not like she's going to be wearing a skimpy little white number and rubbing some lick on liquids onto private bits. It's a professional service and she will be thought to act in this manner and no doubt she will also be thought to deal with any untoward advances.
If you are this insanely jealous the girl will end up finishing with you, no woman wants to be loved this much. Trust me.

evil-monkey

Unregistered wrote: »

**** it man. Ye know you're right.
I'm just a paranoid twat sometimes.

+1 you said it bro

Smyth

My girlfriend is doing a course in Hollistic therapy too (spelling?) and you are blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

You sound really insecure and possessive.

What about gynacologists, doctors etc. They have to deal with the body all day.

I mean get real. As for the "searching" thing, as poster said above - if you search for the negative you'll find it.

Wise up quickly or you could loose your woman.

taidghbaby

i think your blowing this one out of proportion!

there are professional boundaries to be adhered to and you quickly become immune to exposed skin etc!

Liam Byrne

OP - how would you feel if you were a gynacologist and your g/f asked [demanded?] that you to change jobs ?

entropi

As marksie and others have posted, and you have replied, it got blown totally out of proportion. I am also training to be a holistic masseur this year and find it a completely professional and excellent way of treating someone. And next year training as a sports therapist will be alot different but just as professional in it's approach:) Glad you managed to see that once your gf stays within the rules it'll be grand, and with the training we get for this job i've no doubt she will:)

deisemum

Unregistered wrote: »

Perhaps you should research the career you're choosing a little closer. Male arousal and erections are commonplace in this line of work.

What do you think the point of a massage is? It is to become completely relaxed. It's a pleasurable experience...hence, pleasure is derived from it? Soothing music, candles etc.
A sports massage is like going a round with Tyson. Completely different and incomparable QUOTE]


When I worked as a dental nurse it was common enough for male patients to get erections and be aroused and getting their teeth sorted was not generally a pleasaurable experience nor was it relaxing.

I couldn't even begin to imagine my husband or any of my past boyfriends getting bent out of shape about me doing a professional job where there are occasions that males may get aroused.

Curvy Vixen

OP I qualified as a massuer a year ago and let me tell you, it's a bloody hard course with a lot of anatomy and physiology involved with some tough exams at the end of it. The last thing your partner needs to deal with is a jealous partner disapproving and questioning her at the same time as she is trying to absorb this:mad:

Have you ever had a proper massage?? As Marksie has already said, as a therapist, you only work on the area which is uncovered with towels. You are banned from going higher on a male than the mid thigh area so you are never near the genital area. We are trained that if an erection does happen, then we discreetly tell the client that the massage is over and leave the room!

If they get an erection whilst lying on their front then you'll never know anyway (and they'll be in some pain trying to lie on it on a hard bed )

To be honest, it's people like you that make my job that much harder. All this nudge, nudge, wink, wink, happy ending lark comes from men with minds like yours. I get mostly women clients but I am very aware of male clients and make doubley sure before they come in that they are fully knowledgable about what's going to happen in the room and more importantly what isn't!!

And lets be realistic here and think about what might happen to any of us. How will your partner feel if something awful does happen to her whilst giving a massage? Who is she going to talk to and get comfort from? Not you with the attitude that you have that's for sure! What will you say to her? I told you so??

You really do need to cop on...here's a newsflash..men get erections very single day, more than once a day! Next thing you'll be saying is that she can't wear tight clothes or makeup just in case she arouses a man!

Cop on, tell her you're sorry, and make sure that you are available to be practised on!

AngryBadger

I kind of want to see this from your POV OP, but in all honesty, I think this comes down to a question of trust. I don't see how you can get annoyed at the though of your OH surrounded by men with erections because, let's not kid ourselves, every guy she passes in the street could be pitching a tent for her, the only difference is she wouldn't know.

If your gf has chosen this career, then you need to swallow your pride on this, whatever about the double standard you've discussed with her, I'm sure she didn't pick this career so she would be surrounded by aroused men. It's a career choice for her, not a fidelity choice, and if you can't learn to accept that and control your unfounded "jealousy" then this is going to become a much bigger problem.

LegacyUser

I'm also dating someone who just start doing massage for a living and i must say i feel your pain man. I know everyone wants to come here and just bash you but I'm on your side buddy. the thought of my girlfriends hands all over some half naked mans body makes me sick to my stomach and no one seems to understand this but me and you. I'm sorry this has happen to you as well and i wish you the best of luck. hang in there.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

the thought of my girlfriends hands all over some half naked mans body makes me sick to my stomach

Only parts of the body are massaged, so its not quite "all over".

I've had 30-40 massages, mostly from women. In that time, I'd say I've had one softie and one semi-stiffy - which, for an activity when lying down* I imagine is quite low given that men have erections X times a day.

Guys don't necessarily want to have erections when they are semi-naked in a room with a stranger with an unlocked door with a bunch of strangers on the other side.


* Erections are more common when you are lying down as the body makes use of available blood pressure to "test" the erection function.

TheChevron

I once went for a massage (only once) and I did find myself a little aroused at the beginning while she was massaging the small of my back, but by the time I was finished I couldn't wait to get out the door.

It didn't take long for me to cool off when she start laying her knuckles under my shoulder blades. Pure pain.

I put only once in the brackets above because that was the first and last time i got a massage due to the pain involved. I wont be returning for another one, but I can see how a man would be slightly aroused by a female masseur, well at the start anyway.

As for ejaculation, well id say the man has a whole other problem if that works for him.

Armadillo Sho

OP I am worried that you will loose your girl if you keep this up.

What do you think will happen anyway..? So what if she sees another mans erection, she is a big girl and I am sure she would be able to handle those situations by herself.

Ask yourself:

Do I love this woman?
Do I completely trust that she wont do anything with any of the clients?

If both of these questions are answered YES too, you should just drop it then and drop it right straight away.

Jealously and controlling features in a man are just not pretty at all and its really easily to leave a man if he had those qualities in him.

Have you actually told her how you feel?

cantdecide

OP, You are quite entitled to feel any way you want about it. You can't exactly be wrong if this is how you feel, can you? 'Is it going to damage your relationship' is the question? I think that it's very possible but that depends on how you manage your feelings. You've asked and you have been answered- objectively speaking, from neutral observers, you're probably making a mountain out of a mole-hill and you had better prepare yourself for a lot of biting your tongue if you value your relationship.

LolaLuv

Smyth wrote: »

My girlfriend is doing a course in Hollistic therapy too (spelling?) and you are blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

You sound really insecure and possessive.

What about gynacologists, doctors etc. They have to deal with the body all day.

I mean get real. As for the "searching" thing, as poster said above - if you search for the negative you'll find it.

Wise up quickly or you could loose your woman.

This is the truth! Certainly everyone has had an awkward experience while having their naughty bits examined. It doesn't mean the professional is doing anything out of line, it's just a part of the job. That said, masseuses are very respectable. But I don't think it's enough to tell you to get over it (although you should!); you've got to examine the source of this jealousy and deal with it there. It must be based on some insecurity, and I think your problem with your girlfriend's study is more a symptom than the actual disease. Take care of it now so it doesn't become even worse in future.

cufroige

Marksie wrote: »

Actually OP, I have just started a course as a holistic massage therapist and tbh your post absolutely astounds me. Personal/professional boundaries are ingrained into every therapist and "towelling" ..the means of moving towels so that only the body part working on is uncovered.

Your poorgirlfriend should not be subjected to this.

Have to second that...BIG TIME

I'm a qualified masseuse myself, it's a PROFESSION!!!

You should be proud of your girlfriend for pursuing the qualification not obsessing over her 'touching' others in her job...It's tough study!!

If you love your girlfriend, you'll stop seeing & treating her as a sex object, the problem here is yours my dear...

PauloMN

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

I get mostly women clients but I am very aware of male clients and make doubley sure before they come in that they are fully knowledgable about what's going to happen in the room and more importantly what isn't!!

Really? How does that work? You actually make male clients aware of what is not going to happen? Sounds like you're just as paranoid as the OP to be honest in your assumptions that men need to be told what they won't "get" during their message.

If I was given a list of "DO NOTS" before getting a message, I'd walk out.

cufroige

Just an afterthought,

Not all bodies are the same, and just as a masseuse would not judge one on their physical flaws, one's attributes would also be without judgement..It's about healing honey...

The pulp fiction 'foot massage' scene is springing to mind here

I'm being lighthearted here, but Think about this...
If you went for a massage & you thought the masseuse was beautiful, would you feel 'ripped off' if she didn't compliment your perky ass...:p

Really though, if us women were to avoid situations where we might encounter a male erection we'd all be in nunneries!!!

LegacyUser

Are you actually serious? If you are then you have more to worry about than your girlfriends education/job prospects! You obviously have issues you need to sort out of your own, you don't deserve this girl and if she has any sense she will figure that out very soon herself and that will be your problem sorted for you! Men like you are the kind who give others a bad name...you are ridiculous.

Auldloon

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you actually serious? If you are then you have more to worry about than your girlfriends education/job prospects! You obviously have issues you need to sort out of your own, you don't deserve this girl and if she has any sense she will figure that out very soon herself and that will be your problem sorted for you! Men like you are the kind who give others a bad name...you are ridiculous.

Thats abuse. OP I can understand why your uncomfortable with this, reading your post your girlfriend would be uncomfortable if the shoe was on the other foot. Major double standards there.
Seeing as this is bothering you so much and your girlfriend is not taking your feelings into account I would say its time to consider whether you want to be in the relationship.

LegacyUser

I have 2 slipped discs in my neck.
At it's worst, it is an extremely painful condition - day and night
over a number of months.

I have tried every therapy you can imagine.

But - on a few occasions, I have gone for a massage.
Usually (not always), it has been a girl that did the work
on my back, arms and neck.

It helped. It helped a lot.

I was glad that the person was there ; I paid the person
nicely (above the odds) for the work ; and 'NO' - I did not get
an erection at any stage of the treatment ...

There are indeed other places a man can go ... for that sort of thing !

Curvy Vixen

PauloMN wrote: »

Really? How does that work? You actually make male clients aware of what is not going to happen? Sounds like you're just as paranoid as the OP to be honest in your assumptions that men need to be told what they won't "get" during their message.

If I was given a list of "DO NOTS" before getting a message, I'd walk out.

Don't be pathetic! I'm a professional masseuse...part of being professional is explaining fully to the client before you work on them what is going to happen. You tell them what clothes to take off, which way to lie down and you very briefly let them know what area's you will be massaging, and for the most part of that it will clarify what bits of the client are sore and need more work.

I hardly give a list of no blow jobs, no full sex and no nudity!

Have you ever been for a proper massage?

PauloMN

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

Don't be pathetic! I'm a professional masseuse...part of being professional is explaining fully to the client before you work on them what is going to happen. You tell them what clothes to take off, which way to lie down and you very briefly let them know what area's you will be massaging, and for the most part of that it will clarify what bits of the client are sore and need more work.

I hardly give a list of no blow jobs, no full sex and no nudity!

Have you ever been for a proper massage?

That's all very well, but it's a bit different to what you said earlier though which was this:

but I am very aware of male clients and make doubley sure before they come in that they are fully knowledgable about what's going to happen in the room and more importantly what isn't!!

and inferred that you handle men differently when informing them, including making sure they know "what isn't covered". Pathetic.

Yes, had a fantastic full body message just 3 weeks ago, in the spa in the Hodson Bay hotel. It was excellent, and the utterly professional masseuse didn't even have to tell me - as a bloke - that I shouldn't expect a quick ride either.

cafecolour

Have you ever had a proper massage? And I don't mean from your girlfriend. Look at the training materials she's Properly, it's a medical procedure more than anything else - would you be jealous if she was training to be a nurse?

Yes, there are def guy with the wrong idea about it out there, but she'll be taught how to try and screen out such people as well as how to shut it down if it happens. That's more a problem with private practice as well - anyone going to a professional spa or via medical reference is not going thinking they'll get any sort of erotic satisfaction.

I'd say your problem is half being of the 'wrong idea' sort yourself - you're seeing the massage as something it's not. The other half your problem, I'd say you may be a bit more jealous overall than is healthy.

Wagon

You don't have anything to be worrying about man. I'd say she's professional enough to be able to see herself as a masseuse doing her job and nothing more. It's a good form of therapy and helps a lot of people. Next time you get these dodgy images in your head, replace them with the thought that she's probably relieveing someone's dodgy back and giving them a hand with their health. Because really, that's all she's doing there.

Next time your stressed, why not ask her for a massage? You'd get a hell of a lot more out of it then any of her clients ever will.

davmol

Cant say im experienced in the massage world but just out of interest if a man did have an erection during a massage,as you have already said you leave the room discreetly,does he get a refund.Say he asks for an hour massage and gets a stiffy 20 mins into it is he reimbursed for the 40 mins he doesnt get massaged??

It just seems silly as men get boners all the time,it doesnt necessarily mean theyre 'in the mood'.Ive had boners on the DART sitting oposite a 90 year granny and im not being crude or sick or into that sort of thing in any way.My point is some boners are uncontrollable and it seems petty for a masseuse to explain' the massage is over' cos the ole boy stands to attention!! Ok i understand it may be embarassing but it doesnt mean the bloke is gona ask for a quickie.and i would assume for a bloke leaving tru the reception area of the massage parlor/beauty salon it would be 10 times more embarrasing for him.

Just curious thats all!

BobTheBeat

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you actually serious? If you are then you have more to worry about than your girlfriends education/job prospects! You obviously have issues you need to sort out of your own, you don't deserve this girl and if she has any sense she will figure that out very soon herself and that will be your problem sorted for you! Men like you are the kind who give others a bad name...you are ridiculous.

Complete drivel. Shut up. The guy is entitled to have feelings on the matter, be they good or bad. He has already admitted to over reacting to the situation and isnt it better that he attempts to rationalise it with opinions from those who have experience?

OP, you know the score with this position. She will be essentially working in the healthcare industry, fixing the bockedy backs and muscles of the likes of miss/mr overreaction above as well as all the perfectly normal, joes and janes of society who DONT go to health centres to get massages with the intent of seeking out other seedy acts.

Have full confidence in your girlfriends' professional ability and try to support her as best you can.:)

LegacyUser

wow I to have this problem and I understand your feelings. What man likes the ideal of his girl rubbing oil all over another mans body? Not me! I don't care if it is a profession it simply sucks. And if it bothers you as much as it bothers me i can tell you it will never change. Trust me one min you will be fine with it and the next it will come back and make you depress again.

I don't understand why people don't get how this can really mess up a good relationship.

i wish you luck and pray that you can find a new girl that doesn't massage men for a living.

stay up