Cant do small talk with anybody

LegacyUser

Hi,
Im a bloke in my mid 20s, generally happy, would like to think Im reasonably confident and have plenty of friends. But I have big problems when it comes to women and any new people for that matter unless they are the people carrying the conversation. I haven't scored in months and months ,and in general I rarely do, I just cant spark conversations with random people, men or women.

Before I thought it was just a woman thing, but the more I thought about it the more I realised its nothing to do with a "fear" of women or anything, its just generally the way I am.
Sometimes I might see a girl and say to my friends "shes nice" etc, and they say something like "go and talk to her", but I really cant. Ive nothing to say to them , its absolutely nothing to do with a fear of rejection or being nervous around women because I recently realised that if it was a bloke Id have nothing to say either. I rely on friends starting chats to people when were out and me joining in, im ok then!!
Its a pity now because its gotten to a point where lads dont ask me about women or dont really chat to me about sex etc because they know I rarely pull.

At the risk of sounding cocky I really do think I am attractive to women when I do get chatting to them, just the same way I think im likeable to another fella when Im in a conversation. But on a whole I hate being the last person left alone with someone I dont know well because things do tend to get quieter.
Can anyone that might have had the same sort of problems share any advice, cheers for the help.

Overheal

Dont train yourself on smalltalk in a high risk environment (egotistical risk) like a nightclub.

Instead practice smalltalk in your everyday. When you're in shops start up some chit with the cashier or the sales rep. That sort of thing. The sobriety will help your learning curve too.

LegacyUser

yep, I'm the same as you....

I get on well with lots of people but going up to strangers in clubs isn't something I can do well.....never could despite trying to do it for ooooh, 10 years. and you know, it's not something I really want to do.

You're in an environment which isn't conducive to talking to people you don't know - loud, difficult to hear, difficult to be understood.

Dizzyblonde

Lots of people don't do well with small talk, it's very common.
My advice is to trawl websites like Sky News and read a newspaper every day, that way you'll have a store of snippets and interesting stories to talk about.

dan_d

You've got to practice. Even everyday...practice making conversation with people you don't know very well.Whether you're interested or not.And to bo honest, trying to talk to people in nightclubs doesn't work very well, even if you do have small talk.

Zillah

You should realise that virtually no one is particularily good at the whole "approach a complete stranger and start an interesting conversation" thing.

Aside from that, practice practice practice. Its all about getting used to dealing with people. Some learn faster than others, some a little slower. Also, guage your audience. Some people are extremely welcoming and will chat with anyone, others really just want to be left alone and the conversation will go badly no matter what happens.

jimmycrackcorm

Small Talk is actually very easy. The secret is to be focused on listening to the other person and letting them talk about themselves. Pick a simple leading question like where are they from, or how is their job and drill down from there. Your objective is simply to get them to talk about themselves and before long you will find openings in the conversation. Just remember - it's nothing to do with you talking.

e21man

.Lots of people don't do well with small talk, it's very common.
My advice is to trawl websites like Sky News and read a newspaper every day, that way you'll have a store of snippets and interesting stories to talk about.

Just one point on dizzyblonde comment make sure you read the hole story not just headlines i know someone who does that its so annoyin its unreal trying to have a conversation back with him about it than he admits he hasnt read it at all very embarssing.

Curvy Vixen

Remember too to ask 'open questions'.

If you're focussing on where they live ask do they like it there, what's the area like, do they commute, how, what's it like etc...Obviously don't ask all those things one after the other or you'll be like the spanish inquisition

But I often find that if you have 4 or 5 key questions about the other person it's really easy after that. People love to talk about themselves.

I have to talk to new people all the time in my job for long periods of time sometimes and I used to find it terrifying until I realised this. Same method in social circles works just as well...

Good luck!

Colonel_McCoy

I agree, do not ask Yes or no questions and one thing forget the useless chat up lines. My friends have gone over to a group pf girls and asked them to join us and nine times out of ten it works. Just remember one thing girls also get nervous!

LegacyUser

nosmalltalk, i get that aswell as a girl, just keep trying..

shellyboo

I absolutely HATE making small talk with people, but with the line of work I'm in I have to do it a lot... the key is just to have a few standard questions that apply to everyone to get the ball rolling, and conversation develops from there. Knowing a bit about current affairs does help, but trying to learn off news bits that you have no interest in is silly - you're better off just being yourself, that way you come off as much more genuine and likeable.

homerun_homer

Agree with everyone above, start small and just read interesting things in the news that you can bring up.
I was a bit like that and can be from time to time when I'm in a mood. But in general I will talk to anyone now and do my best to keep the conversation going if needs be and keep it interesting.
Girl wise try not to overthink it (I could use my own advice :pac:) but once you're confident enough things will fall into place.