I want all your advice

stillmiserable

So miserable. I dated a guy five years ago for about a year and a half. We split up because I live in Ireland and he lives in Philly, US and he said he simply couldn't live here and could see my reluctance in living over there (i am really close to my family and initially tried to convince him to come here). He said I'd always be tryin to convince him to move back to ireland with me and doesn't trust that I would stick it out there in US. So we broke up and i dated many men without success. My heart is still with this guy and we've always stayed in touch. A year ago I suggested we get back together but he said the issues were the same. I was in Philly a few weeks back and we hooked up, were intimate and had a wonderful wonderful time. But i didn't bring any discussions up because i can't bear to be knocked back again, I was waiting for him to bring it up but he didnt. I think he still assumes I wouldn't move for him and doesn't want to be hurt by getting close again. We both haven't had anyone special since we split. When the truth is, I would do anything to be with him, I would move there unconditionally. I really do love him more than i can imagine loving anyone else, ever. What do I do? Do i just forget it?

ASIL1983

Just phone him or email or whatever and tell him you want to live there for a while and see how it goes. Go for it-life is too short

davyjose

Sounds like an excuse TBH. I really don't see why he won't believe what you tell him. People usually believe what they want to, so I really am suspect about him being more willing to split with you than trust that you'll live there.

Maybe you should ask him if there's more to it?

ASIL1983 wrote: »

Go for it-life is too short

Too true.

stillmiserable

It's possible that it's just excuse, true. At the time, I tried to give a very persuasive argument for living here (because I really wanted him to), how important my family was etc etc. so i think that was the basis of his mistrust. He's not been out with anyone else at all since so some part of me is still hopeful? But i also dont want to waste time or stuff it up by saying something too intimate from the other side of the world when it may well have just been an excuse.

Vanbis

stillmiserable wrote: »

So miserable. I dated a guy five years ago for about a year and a half. Do i just forget it?

If after 5years you still havent forgotten him then i can't see how you can just forget it. I think you should call him or even send him a e-mail and tell him the truth and that you are willing to commit 100%, at least then you will have an answer and it might help you try and move on and forget him.

Macha

Vanbis wrote: »

If after 5years you still havent forgotten him then i can't see how you can just forget it. I think you should call him or even send him a e-mail and tell him the truth and that you are willing to commit 100%, at least then you will have an answer and it might help you try and move on and forget him.

Good advice. You're still holding onto him because in your heart you know that there is a small possibility that you could get back together with him. Finding out either way will allow you to move on either with or without him.

stillmiserable

It is good advice. Some of my friends say the same. On the other hand, I don't want to embarrass myself. Do people ever get back together after this long? Was this just his excuse? Shouldn't I just accept his no from the original break up as fact. I've brought it up already once with him (a year ago) and he said no. I would have thought it was his turn to bring it up if he had changed his mind? would letting him know how i truly fell just mean he has to say no again. I don't want to get hurt unnecessarily.

Macha

Well, it sounds like he feels that you may be the reason it wouldn't work, or rather you're unwillingness to go and live with him. If this has changed, let him know! But if you decide to say anything, you must promise yourself that you accept whatever the outcome is and move on. It will be better for you in the end.

Screw the embarassment, I say. life is too short.

LegacyUser

You are hurting anyway!!

You really dont have anything to lose!!

Just do it once and for all... tell him how you feel. Do you want to live the rest of your life thinking "what if"????

allabouteve58

5 years later and your still miserable!!! That's not good either!

Just bite the bullet and tell him how you feel. At the end of the day you have nothing to lose!! Yet so much to gain.... either with him or without him.... but at least you will know once and for alL

Go for it!!!

mindi

I agree with the other posters. If you tell him how you feel and don't get the answer you are looking for it will hurt you but at least you'll be able to move on with your life without wondering 'what might have been'. It seems like there is still a connection between you two so it's worth the risk.

stillmiserable

I posted that message back in October last year, and I finally have good news! We've been communicating her eand there, I never did get the guts to tell him i still wanted to be with him. Then he brought it up! He said he wants to give it another go.

dudara

That is good news. But I really think that you should take a lesson from all this - you need to say what you feel. You really should have told him how you felt.

Overheal

"the truth is, I would do anything to be with him, I would move there unconditionally. I really do love him more than i can imagine loving anyone else, ever. What do I do? Do i just forget it?"

You're saying two very contradicting things here. "I'd cut off my arm! I'd go to the moon and back! I'd cure cancer! I'd I'd I'd... oh forget it."

So one of these things is not true, and its probably the bit about how much you are willing to do to be with this person. Because Philidelphia is only 10 hours away when you put it into perspective, so that is not whats holding you back, because you can always go home again.

6 months later, has that sentiment changed? Or were you just waiting and hoping that you wouldn't have to do any work or sacrificing; and that eventually he would gave in to your wiles and move to Ireland?

LegacyUser

A little bit harsh Overheal.

Moving to a completely different country isn't just "any work" or "any sacrificing". To expand on my circumstances, I have a mother with a severe disability who needs me here. Abandoning her is a HUGE sacrifice from my perspective. And yes I had hoped (desperately) that he would give in to my "wiles" of wanting him to move to where I was, because as you say it's only 10 hours away, and it's the same distance from here to there or there to here. Many people, even if they haven't got such responsibilities, want to be close to their family so there is no harm in exploring whether the other person might move. In any case, feel your perpsective is perhaps somewhat angrily worded for a forum that is supposed to provide support.

stillmiserable

That last post was from me, I thought I had logged in.
Yes, it is a good lesson to be open with your feelings. I wasted 6 months being stressed.

stillmiserable

As an update - the news is not good.
We made arrangements to meet - next week. I hadn't heard from him for a few days, so I shot off an email to see where he was. He said "I've met someone, not sure if and where it is going, but i feel i have to listen to these feelings". After all that! He hasn't been with anyone for five years and a week before we tell each other we still care about each other he meets someone who he has fallen for? Is that possible? What on earth am I supposed to do with that information. I am a mess. I haven't responded to him. Help!

LegacyUser

really sorry to hear that it was bad news

but maybe things just weren't meant to be and this will be for the best in the long run as at least now you can maybe start to focus on actually moving on if being with him again isn't as much of an option??

this probably isn't of much help to you now and i really feel for you and how hurt and disappointed you must be after all this time.......... but i do believe that everything happens for a reason...

maybe the next time you get a chance you will grab it with both hands....
saying that however, don't dwell on any regrets you might have now about the choices you did/didn't make....life is definitely too short to be wasting time on them!!

good luck:)

username123

Well that sucks.

You need to forget this guy and move on. You have done what needed to be done - given it another chance. That chance hasnt worked out - so now you know.

If you hadnt given it another chance you would have been left wondering, now no more wondering, time to let it go.

Bad timing for me to say it - but in future act on your feelings when you feel them, you could have learned this a long time ago but you dilly dallied on being open about your feelings. Lesson learned - back to the drawing board.

You had nothing to lose by biting the bullet with him, you bit it, it hasnt gone your way - I know its nasty, but realistically its way better you at least know now right?

stillmiserable

thank you for your responses.
Ive lost a lot of confidence which will take me a long time to get back my self esteem and ego. But i understand now this isnt the right person for me and Ill try my best to shift my mind away from him . I know i should have said something to him earlier about how i felt but I was so petrified of exactly this situation that you kind of just put it off. It's kind of hard to believe he turned his back on me at the 11th hour after i finally bit the bullet, as if some cruel twist of fate. It's clearly not meant to be.

username123

stillmiserable wrote: »

thank you for your responses.
Ive lost a lot of confidence which will take me a long time to get back my self esteem and ego. But i understand now this isnt the right person for me and Ill try my best to shift my mind away from him . I know i should have said something to him earlier about how i felt but I was so petrified of exactly this situation that you kind of just put it off. It's kind of hard to believe he turned his back on me at the 11th hour after i finally bit the bullet, as if some cruel twist of fate. It's clearly not meant to be.

Take up some kind of social interest to help with your self confidence (a class of some sort where you are interacting positively with others), and go do something nice for yourself this week like getting your hair done, or a manicure or some frivolous beauty treatment, a bit of pampering goes a long way after a romantic let down.

There is a good chance he wasnt putting as much emotional depth into the whole thing as you. He may have felt more casually about it whereas you had invested a lot of emotion into it.

Its the same as any romantic disappointment, get up, dust yourself off, be sad for a bit, keep yourself busy and time will sort it all out for you.