Hows my style?

virtus

Hey there, this is the start of a story which im just beginning. The content doesnt matter, but seeing as no one else really reads what I write it would be great to get some feedback on my writing style. If someone could point out any grammerical errors, cliches, unnecessary words, wrong use of words etc. or give me any tips that would be great. I think im a bit weak on punctuation especially. Again, I'm still getting a feel for the story so there isnt actually any meat in it.



A new day broke. Conrad stirred slowly from his slumber. A shaft of light pierced through a crack in the shutters, illuminating the dust which hung in the air. The growing hustle and bustle in the street below signalled to him that it was time to get up. His muscles ached as he hauled himself from the bed. A curved figure next to him moved softly under the covers. As much as he wanted to stay, Conrad had to go. He placed a hand on Sabine’s hip.
“I’m heading off now, love. See you later this afternoon.” Sabine murmured in her sleep. He pulled the covers up over the bed and planted a kiss on her forehead before leaving the dusty apartment.
Out on the busy street people hurried about their business. The constant coming and going had felt alien to a boy from the vale such as Conrad. Now however, the morning rush was a part of his daily ritual. Conrad paused for a moment and considered this. Perhaps he was an outsider who managed to penetrate this town and fit in. On the other hand, perhaps there was something amiss with such a lifestyle and he had simply grown to ignore it. How would he know either way? It made no matter, however; it did not pay to dawdle. Conrad quickened his pace.
Stopping at the crossroads, Conrad spotted a familiar face. Jethro was making his way to work also. Their morning journey often brought them along the same route for a time. It was a welcome encounter for Conrad, for Jethro was another outsider who had recently taken up lodgings in this urban sprawl.
“Mornin’ Con,” he cheerily said. Jethro was one of those honest sorts, for whom optimism was second nature. “My, it’s a cold mornin’. Wonder how they’re doin back at the vale.”
“Aye. Its cold alright,” Conrad replied listlessly. “I imagine they’re still in bed”.
“Ah well, they deserve it. Hard workin’ folk they are. Oh, I meant we are eh?” he chuckled.
“Hmm.”
“Somethin’ on your mind?” He asked. Jethro was surprisingly perceptive.
“No. Well, it’s nothing really.” They were drawing close to the old brewery. Their paths diverged here as Jethro made his way to the mills and Conrad continued on past the market square.
“Well if it’s nothing, why worry, eh? If it is somethin’ then tell me.”
“It’s about Sabine-” Conrad began. But before he could continue, Jethro threw his eyes upwards and snorted.
“Woman troubles, eh? Sorry guy, but it’s a little early for those sort of woes. I thought you were gettin’ on well. I had my doubts, I’ll admit. Her be’en a city girl an’ all that, y’know.”
“Oh, its nothing like that,” Conrad chortled. His voice took a more strained tone. “Its just that, it’s getting hard to pay the rent, you know. That landlord is talking of moving up the rent again, if he does, we could be out on the street.”
“Hey now, he can’t just do that. There’s rules he has to follow isn’t there?” Unfortunately Jethro’s honesty was not a common quality, especially so among landlords.
“I’m not sure. Even if there is, it doesn’t mean he has to follow them. I tell you Jethro, sometimes I wonder if we made the right decision packing up and coming to this place.” They came to the point where they had to part paths. Jethro looked plaintively at Conrad. “Listen Con’, you know it was time to leave. There’s no gain to be made by staying in the Vale. If you never came here, you would be freezing in bed right now with an empty cellar. But look at you now. You’ve got a job, a life and even a woman to keep you warm, eh?”
“Yeah, I suppose.”
“You suppose! C’mon Con’, that attitude will get you nowhere. You gotta lighten’ up. Now get your butt off to whatever it is you do all day.” Jethro gave Conrad a hearty slap on the back before turning off. High spirits, however, were in low supply. Conrad thought on many things including rent, the city and the direction of his life. The more he thought, the worse he felt. Then he thought about Sabine. Just thinking about her made his heart jump a little. He remembered first bumping into her on his way around the city. He was fresh from the country and completely lost, or as she had put it his head was “still full of turnips”. The thought of her began to brighten his mood. He had a reason to be here at least. He had a reason to keep going. His thoughts swept forward to a secret scene. It was something he often thought about and something which was, in his mind, so fragile to think about it too long would somehow destroy it. He saw himself and Sabine back in the Vale. They stood outside their own house, hand in hand. A warm sun shone brightly, giving the house and trees and garden an iridescent glow. The nearby woods which lay behind the garden echoed the birds and branches as a cool breeze draughted through the trees.
Conrad was awoken rudely from his daydream as he arrived outside his place of work.

virtus

The paragraphs didnt space themselves as I wanted.. urghh. Hope it doesnt make it too hard to read.

Matt Holck

reads fine
got a little confused in the dialog
I thought they turned away before they did

but not that confused

shiv

i like your style. pretty readable. you do need to space it out though.

Bearhunter

Hey, I quite like your story, but there are a few clunky bits in it. I've done an edit on it, pointing out a few of the random redundancies and wrong words. I can PM it to you if you like, or post it here.

virtus

Thank you for the feedback.

When I pasted the text, I made sure that each new paragraph was tabbed. Unfortunately, the spaces I created seemed to have disapperaed causing the text to run together in a big, blocky mess. In future I'll just a line bewtween each new paragraph.

Thanks Bearhunter, thats quite an effort to go to! I'd be delighted to see the suggestions which you have, they sound like exactly the type of advice I am looking for. You can post it here if you like.

Its quite encouraging to receive such input. I guess I will have to finish it now!