Him or me?

LegacyUser

Talking to an ex recently who is trying to get back together with me, just a hi how are you and he says do you want to know what my problem always was with you and blurts this out. I'm not a very cuddly person, i don't like holding hands, having someone constantly touch me or if we're watching a film on a sofa being mauled. He says this is abnormal and i should change myself for him. My point is that its my body, i'm uncomfortable with it and he has no right to force all these 'cute relationship' things on me. Also i'm irritated when out of nowhere he starts listing off all of the problems he has with me or how he's not 100% happy with me, he never asks, just tells me and phrases it like a question but he's not looking for an answer and theres no need to answer. We work in the same place so i cant just stop talking to him.

Anyhow my question is -is not being into touching someone all the time abnormal, is it him or me?

Karen_*

Well you don't like it much and he does so you aren't compatible. Therefore its both of you in this case.

drunkmonkey

I don't like holding hands either your not on your own there....

I wouldn't go back out with this fella, he'll probably dump you for barbie at some stage...;)

all his problems not yours, don't worry about him..

LegacyUser

Maybe i need to put more info? I don't like being cuddly, he does. Any chance he'll get he'll touch me non stop. When we're at his place i can't get away from his hands, sometimes its full on mauling, other times its just holding my hand, cuddling in real tight anything to make sure his hands are always somewhere on me. I don't like it and he knows this but his behaviour doesn't adjust and he doesn't care that i don't like it. When i ask him to stop he'll either get into a huff and call me abnormal or he'll stop for 2 mins and it starts again. Anytime we've spoken about it he tells me i'm abnormal and he is normal so he shouldn't have to respect my opinion about him touching me and i should just be 'normal' and like him and want it. He doesn't seem capable of getting all touchy feely and having a conversation, just a slimey smile and hands all over the place, he says its not always about sex but if it wasn't wouldn't he still be able to talk other than to tell me how abnormal i am? I hate going to his and make any excuse i can now

tinabyrne5

I'm the same, not a feely touchy person at all and have the same attitude as you about it. I like my own space. So, no there is nothing wrong with you.

Zillah

You're asking the wrong question. It doesn't matter in the slightest if its normal. You don't like it, a partner should respect that. Frankly he sounds like a selfish idiot to be honest. What does he expect, that you'll magically start to like it? That you'll pretend you like it for his sake?

What a moron.

Balmed Out

I went out with a girl like you before and found it a bit weird. Normally reckon girls tend to like the holding etc a bit too much so initially i thought it was cool.
However i do like to a bit, even if its lying in bed in the morning or on the couch watching the tv. Its a bit of intimacy and i dont see whats wrong with it. In my experience I kinda think she had serious issues with intimacy.

Is it an in public thing or everywhere?

LegacyUser

Balmed Out wrote: »

I went out with a girl like you before and found it a bit weird. Normally reckon girls tend to like the holding etc a bit too much so initially i thought it was cool.
However i do like to a bit, even if its lying in bed in the morning or on the couch watching the tv. Its a bit of intimacy and i dont see whats wrong with it. In my experience I kinda think she had serious issues with intimacy.

Is it an in public thing or everywhere?

My point to him is i don't like it so please stop/lessen it a good bit. His point is i'm abnormal so he shouldn't have to stop.

I don't like it because i like my own space, i don't like feeling every second i'm at his, he'll jump all over me. I can't watch a film/cook something/use the computer/eat without him being all over me. It doesn't normally stop at just hand holding, just keeps going on until i ask him to stop. Usually if i don't ask him to stop he'll take it as a green light for bedroom activity and turn off the tv/cooker or something. Its mainly when we're not with others. He'll usually want arms around each other/holding hands when we're in public and i don't like it but i'll do it to avoid the abnormal insults

Victor

I think a middle ground could be found. Its perfectly common for people to show affection through touch, whether friend, family member or lover. In fact, in massage, there is a rule that the therapist should always be touching the client.

You paint him in a slightly obsessive light so it may not work with him, but the next guy.

Grawns

Yuk! He sounds like a pest. I'm as affectionate as the next girl but I wouldn't want someone mauling me non stop. Having said that maybe if it was early in the relationship and I was crazy for him but after a few months you expect things to settle down a bit.

You are not abnormal you are just not that attracted to him.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

I think a middle ground could be found. Its perfectly common for people to show affection through touch, whether friend, family member or lover. In fact, in massage, there is a rule that the therapist should always be touching the client.

You paint him in a slightly obsessive light so it may not work with him, but the next guy.

The only middle ground he seems to accept is his way or no way ie he'll do what he wants. I don't like holding hands at all or anything like that but as a middle ground i've told him when its really bothering me and i've gone along with the holding hands, sex when i'm not interested, occassionally allowed the bit of groping when we're watching a dvd but nothing is ever enough. When he gets all touchy i feel like he sees me as a whore, he's incapable of having a meal, watching the film, talking, anything its all about more touching and get what he wants. He gets a particular slimey smile on his face and from then on its just pure mauling, like i'm a blow up doll. I don't find mauling attractive so definitely if i'm a little horny when this starts i just switch off with him and either ask him to stop or go through with it. Sometimes he can be quite sweet with the small touchy things, just little things to make it more human, joke or smile but thats really rare. Its like he is incapable of any connection when he's getting touchy

ChickCool

Anybody who forces or tries to force physical contact on you is abusing you in some shape or form. Youve said you have sex or go through with the contact to avoid the name calling-this isn't right!

How old is this guy?he sounds like a messed up teenager to me with mommy issues. Nobody should try to force you into anything you're not comfortable with, nobody in a relationship should call you abnormal to get what they want. Hes not interested in you starting to like it, otherwise he would be talking properly and trying to ease off a good bit, he's only interested in getting what he wants and insulting you is just bullying you into it. You sound like youre trying to find excuses for him, i think you came hear wanting to be told hes right, everyone has said he is not right, you are but youre still trying to post up redeeming factors with him, and negative things about yourself. He's selfish, childish and a bully...

RUN

bnagrrl

Op3 wrote: »

Maybe i need to put more info? I don't like being cuddly, he does. Any chance he'll get he'll touch me non stop. When we're at his place i can't get away from his hands, sometimes its full on mauling, other times its just holding my hand, cuddling in real tight anything to make sure his hands are always somewhere on me. I don't like it and he knows this but his behaviour doesn't adjust and he doesn't care that i don't like it. When i ask him to stop he'll either get into a huff and call me abnormal or he'll stop for 2 mins and it starts again. Anytime we've spoken about it he tells me i'm abnormal and he is normal so he shouldn't have to respect my opinion about him touching me and i should just be 'normal' and like him and want it. He doesn't seem capable of getting all touchy feely and having a conversation, just a slimey smile and hands all over the place, he says its not always about sex but if it wasn't wouldn't he still be able to talk other than to tell me how abnormal i am? I hate going to his and make any excuse i can now

From the comment above he doesn't care/respect you enough to agree to this. You'd be better off finding someone who does care about you enough to respect your wishes. He doesn't respect your opinion on this, if you get serious with him he may not respect how you feel about other things.

seahorse

I wouldnt want to be with a man I could describe as having a "slimey smile". It doesnt sound like you're into him at all. Maybe this is why you dont like his being overly affectionate with you?

I like my own space too, but I also like passion and affection. I think you should find someone else and try to find the right balance with him.

LegacyUser

personally i'd find it reallly hard to be with a girl who didn't want me touching her. i think cuddling etc... is such a huge part of the relationship its the intimate stuff and it really matters. its the bit between getting on with someone and sex. its the emotional attractment part. i dunno maybe thats just me. but i think its important. cant understand why you wouldnt want it unless you're not attracted/arnt in love with the person

Balmed Out

Oh right, i had the impression you were objecting to a hand on your knee or resting against eachother while watching a film, mauling someone when they dont want to be is bang out of order. Sounds like he thinks he has a right to molest you just because your his girlfriend. He doesnt. Hes actually a bit of a weirdo im afraid.
Im just talking as me and not as a representative of mankind but if someones not in the mood id never want to sleep with them. Does he have no self respect.

LegacyUser

Its not all the time, its most of the time. Sometimes i look for a bit of a hug too but definitely not as much and if he's not in the mood i'd just drop it. Theres been times when he's too stressed from work and doesn't want me near him, to me thats fine, i couldn't push myself on someone.

bnagrrl-i never thought about it before but i think you're right, i don't feel he respects my decisions on things. He claims he does but actions fail to back this up. When we disagree and he says hell respect my opinion he gets into a gigantic huff and there is no point in us spending time together as its just huge huff or i change my mind to his way of thinking.

Chickcool- he's over 30

Seahorse - Its not all the time but most of the time when he comes at me with the slimey smile, i know it sounds funny but its probably just my description, when he gets into these moods its just constant pawing at me regardless of what i'm/we're doing. Theres no conversation, little jokes, theres no intimacy about it its just pure mauling. Theres nothing about our relationship or him and me or our feelings about it each other in it, thats what i meant about feeling a bit like a whore, i know it sounds really weird but thats the best way i can describe it. I always feel i just have to do it, whatever it is that he wants or he'll throw a huge fit and i nearly always end up crying when he does go nuts. Sometimes he just gets huffy but a lot of the time lately he's having full on freak fits.


unregistered-i wasn't discussing love here just this particular part of our relationship thats a really big thing for me and how he tells me i'm abnormal. I wanted other peoples opinions on is it normal or not etc not a whole disection on a relationship. What i'm discussing isn't to do with intimacy, when he's like this there is no intimacy as you've descibed, there is nothing from an emotional bond (i think thats what you're saying but i'm not sure?) its just i'm his blow up doll, thats how i feel. if your girlfriend asked you to stop would you keep going because she's the 'odd' one as you put it? I find it a horrible feeling to feel like this with someone and its very depressing when we discuss it he just calls me abnormal.

balmed out-that is kind of how i feel, sorry i know i'm not explaning myself well, its such an unusual thing i'm finding it hard to accurately describe. I've never been cuddly and i've never had this issue with anyone else. They've always accepted it and theres been no problem

LegacyUser

eh that is 1000000% all him being a psycho!im way more cuddly than my oh but id never do it if he wasnt comfortable or asked me to stop thats just realy creepy!if you can see a difference between his mood when he comes at u sometimes and you know one of those makes you uncomfortbel it shows that your open to it and hes got some issues about women to go at them like that.id say as another poster said hes got mummy issues,hes probably looking for someone like his mother who would be his whore.

i would run miles from a fella like this.most relationships are full of people who are different levels of cuddliness but you find a balance,this guy just saying your abnormal is a sicko-who does that to someone they care about?if someone insults you for not doing what they want not mattar what it is thats a HUGE sign of immaturity,cant believe this dude is 30.nobody who is mature enough to be in a relationship would call u abnormal or weird for not wanting them grabbing you when your watching a dvd.as previous poster said-run run run

LegacyUser

could it be that your way out of his league and he knows this?

LegacyUser

Op3 wrote: »

he says do you want to know what my problem always was with you and blurts this out.

This is a sure fire tell tale sign of mental instability,when someone just blurts out these massive speeches of insults or 'problems they have wiht you'.people dont say things like that,its obvious there in a sh1t mood and want to blame u for it all and there emotionally blackmailing you into staying because they have such a problem with you.

anyone who says do you want to know my problem with you when you havent asked/arent having that kind of discussion/arent given an opportunity to decline without having to "butt in" has serious instability issues op and you should throw the samaritans number at them and run out the door

seahorse

Op3 wrote: »

Seahorse - Its not all the time but most of the time when he comes at me with the slimey smile, i know it sounds funny but its probably just my description, when he gets into these moods its just constant pawing at me regardless of what i'm/we're doing. Theres no conversation, little jokes, theres no intimacy about it its just pure mauling. Theres nothing about our relationship or him and me or our feelings about it each other in it, thats what i meant about feeling a bit like a whore, i know it sounds really weird but thats the best way i can describe it. I always feel i just have to do it, whatever it is that he wants or he'll throw a huge fit and i nearly always end up crying when he does go nuts. Sometimes he just gets huffy but a lot of the time lately he's having full on freak fits.

Seriously OP, it sounds like you need to leave this man. His behaviour is making you feel like a piece of meat and when you tell him how much you object to it, instead of taking your feelings on board, he instead asserts his 'right' to continue to do the very thing you are objecting to and even has the nerve to try to brand you as "abnormal" for not liking it!!! :eek:

This man is over thirty so he's not liable to rethink his ideas any time soon. You need to get rid, and pronto, IMHO. Maybe if you're feeling charitable you could take a trip into one of those horrible sleazy sex shops and buy him a blow up doll so he'll have something to maul when you're gone.

Kooli

I was in a relationship like this before and because it was my first serious relationship I thought I was abnormal, but now looking back I don't think I was and I don't think you are either.

There's cuddling, holding hands etc. for its own sake, which can be a really lovely experience (and one I REALLY enjoy with my current boyfriend), but then there's cuddling which you know will turn into mauling, and if you respond to it at ALL he'll get carried away and think it's time for sex. That's very different, and like the OP I always felt like a piece of meat, and it turned me off ANY sort of affection, and made me think I just wasn't into being touched. He always acted like I should be grateful/flattered that he couldn't keep his hands off me, and that if I didn't want to touch him it must mean I didn't fancy him, but that wasn't the case at all.

Since then it's TOTALLY different because touching and affection are caring acts, enjoyed by both, and not always leading to sex (but sometimes of course they do).

So you're definitely not abnormal, and in a way neither is he (maybe there are girls out there that would like that?). Maybe its just an incompatibility.

Redpunto

It does sound like hes a bit of an octopus, and not in a "im so in love with you way"......if youre not the touchy feely type of person then you obviously should nt be with someone like that ,,,,its not you or him, youre just not right for each other

Dave147

I love having the girl I love in my arms when we're watching TV, hanging out etc, I enjoy the closeness and so does she.. When I'm out with her I hold her hand or put my arm around her, it feels right for BOTH of us, there has to be a mutual understanding, otherwise it's just not going to work.. If a girl acted out to me over touching I would stop seeing her, we would be incompatible. OP needs to find a man who doesn't want to touch her.

bnagrrl

Dave147 wrote: »

I love having the girl I love in my arms when we're watching TV, hanging out etc, I enjoy the closeness and so does she.. When I'm out with her I hold her hand or put my arm around her, it feels right for BOTH of us, there has to be a mutual understanding, otherwise it's just not going to work.. If a girl acted out to me over touching I would stop seeing her, we would be incompatible. OP needs to find a man who doesn't want to touch her.

No, OP needs to find a man who doesn't use physical closeness as a way to bully and control her.
TBH reading through the posts this man sounds like a controlling bully. He calls you abnormal for not wanting to do the things he wants to do, he reduces you to tears and goes off in a huff if you refuse and he brings up his "problems" with you without any invitation to do so. Get out while you can OP.

ChickCool

bnagrrl wrote: »

No, OP needs to find a man who doesn't use physical closeness as a way to bully and control her.
TBH reading through the posts this man sounds like a controlling bully. He calls you abnormal for not wanting to do the things he wants to do, he reduces you to tears and goes off in a huff if you refuse and he brings up his "problems" with you without any invitation to do so. Get out while you can OP.

+1- Totally agree with this.nobody believes everyone is perfect but only nutjobs going around listing off there problems with people.does anybody here know someone sane who would do that?and if someone did it to people here what would you think?

nobody should force anything on you that you are uncomfortable with.

nobody should insult you because there not getting there own way.

no man over 16 should be getting in a huff and going so nuts they make you cry because they didnt get there own way.

op im wondering aside from this man do you cry often, ie are you a cryer?also how important is this bully boy man to you?you seem to think hes very important but theres no indication of your or his feelings?also does this octopus thing mean you dont have sex?

to the guys saying they arent compatible you should read the posts again,the op said she doesnt like the touching when theres no intimacy so its just pawing-i wouldnt like that and dont know many who would and i would definitely ditch a guy who kept it up after i asked him not to or was so obnoxious to call me abnormal!!thats just psycho

Burial

If you don't like it, don't put up with it. If he doesn't like it, break up with him. This aspect of the relationship isn't going to change when you tried talking to him like an adult and he called you names to avoid his problems. If he wants to be with you, he has to recognise your space and your boundries.

Katgurl

gross. I had a boyfriend like this, I tried talking to him about it but he wouldn't stop. It was like he was just walking around after me with constant hard-on, it really really put me off him. I was constantly fighting him off, which in theory sounds flattering but in reality was totally disgusting.

I dumped him and never looked back.

LegacyUser

yes its gross hes a bully and an ass.treating anyone in that way is disgusting,he needs therapy you r well rid

LegacyUser

Its not all the time, sometimes he's cuddly in an intimacy sort of way thats nice, most of the time its this mauling that i'm talking about which just makes me feel like i'm his whore. I feel really cheap and disgusting when he's like that and when he tells me i'm the weirdo and i'm abnormal it enforces that and i feel like all i'm good for is the gutter.

I do feel attracted to him and at one stage could see myself marrying him but i can't see that now. When we see each other i'm so depressed because if he's not in a mood or being pervy or being aggressive i'm just waiting for it, i know its coming sooner or later. He seems to think its 100% all me and while i know maybe my crying and my 'scared' demeanor when i'm waiting for him to go nuts is unpleasant for him and i contribute to the issues a bit but i don't think its all me.

Chickcool-We have had sex and i can definitely say some of it has been the best sex i've ever had so i'd love to be able to fix this and go back to when we were having fun and it wasn't this constant battle. I wouldn't say i'm a cryer. Before i met him i hardly cried in my life. A lot of time i get turned on, he gets the mauling and it just kills my excitement so i end up saying i'm not comfortable or i'm not excited or i just go through the motions.

Dave-there is a difference in his moods, sometimes its just arms around me watching a film and its cute, most of the time its hands all over like i really am a whore, when i ask him to stop he gets angry and says i'm abnormal. I've had relationships before with men who liked the cuddling thing, to be honest its not my thing but its never been a problem before. We always found a middle ground that worked for the both of us but it isn't happening in this case.

redpunto i suppose i never thought he didn't care about me. i didnt think this was related but i guess if he continues doing things he knows i don't like then maybe he doesn't.

I dn't think its ok to just tell people your problems with them but thats me maybe i'm oversensitive about it?

LegacyUser

its not ok,its not normal and this guy is not normal.

like previous posters i think hes just trying to bully you,hes trying to lower your confidence and how you feel about yourself by taking away your right to say no,hes insulting you and making you cry regularly-just bullying serious sad act bully.

i would guess hed do lots of little things for you-make a cup of tea-pay for your taxi-pick up th dry cleaning etc so you think hes being real good too you and hes probably monopolising your time to cut you off from people. friends or family saying your unhappy?they dont see you?youve changed?ding ding ding-thats the alarm right ther.your in a abusive relationship.look this up its how these bullys work.

i wouldnt even discuss it with this guy-these sad acts dont change but you have talked to him and he insulted you,made you upset,didnt dicuss it at all as you werent allowed an opinion

ffs its crazy ****

people see there own problems differently and a lot come to pi to get others opinions, well here you go, 90% say hes a bully,get away from him- theres your answer

ChickCool

I think any decent man who heard his girlfriend felt like a whore when he touched her would get very worried about that and want to change that. Sex and romance arent the same thing but sex in a relationship should be loving. In all honesty from reading your posts i think you came here wanting us to tell you that you are abnormal and he is right.

He is not right, you dont deserve to be treated like this, youve spoken to him, he insulted you. He's controliing, immature and a bully. Get as far away as you can and never look back

Tragedy

Sounds more like he's put you off "normal" physical intimacy, like holding hands/cuddling etc - as he views it as an easy way to get into your pants everytime he's horny, rather than just enjoying it.

Regardless, even if it's weird of you to feel like that - the fact he doesnt respect your decision is immutable.