The Beginning

sillysausage

In an attempt to figure out if I have any talent or even basic writing ability, I wrote the following. I would greatly appreciate any criticism you fine people may have.

The Beginning

The first time it happened was in a dream. I was walking home from school, following the familiar grassy road that leads to the entrance of the farm. It was winter and the trees were bare. The wind was cool and the light was dimming.

Quietly it began.

Starting with a faint, high pitched sound it settled in my inner ear. The distant sound of a dog whistle, enough to make me notice. As I continued it slowly increased.

With it came heat.

Starting at my feet a wave of soothing warmth engulfed my rigid, chill ridden body, and caressed its way upwards. I stood for a moment and listened. My eyes darted around looking to the distance to find the source. Swirling now, inside my mind, I whipped my head sideways to track it. As the intensity increased the warmth from below captured more, inching its way towards my torso.

As the gentle heat slid towards my chest my heart started to pound. A heavy, hollow pounding resonated in tandem with the higher pitched foreigner. Together they found their rhythm and progressed as one. Higher and higher they pitched, decibel by decibel reaching a thunderous crescendo. Heat and sound entangled.

Darkness followed.

When I awoke I was in the air above the path, hovering about 25 feet high. From here I could see Mother in the farm ahead, hanging out cloths. I could see the sun peaking above the hill in the west by the junk yard. I marvelled for a moment and then realisation struck. I am in the air. The earth came to me with such force my shins shunt out through my knee caps. My ass found the clay path next and cushioned my spine momentarily before succumbing and allowing it to slice through and shatter. Pain overwhelmed me. With no feeling or movement I could only wait.

Gently, she ushered me onwards, blurrily in front of me she went, her crimson dress flowing in the breeze.
“Nearly there my child” she whispered
“Almost there”

Antilles

Intriguing start, Sausage. One bit of (hopefully constructive) criticism I'd have is that you seem to be trying too hard to make your writing sound "important".

"Quietly, it began" - what's wrong with "it began quietly"? "With it came heat" - stuff like that (to me) doesn't gel, and distracts from the story. The barometer I use is if I was sitting in the pub telling my mates a story, would I use phrases like that?

Apart from that, definitely a good opener, and I'd read more

pickarooney

Unless this is about a female orgasm, I've no idea what's going on (and even then, refer to clause 1 ).

'Shunt', 'ridged', 'foreigner', cloths', 'pitched' all seem to be misused, 'ass' is out of register.

"Quietly, it began" is reminiscent of the War of the Worlds, but I wouldn't necessarily say that was a bad thing.

Definitely intriguing though

sillysausage

pickarooney wrote: »

Unless this is about a female orgasm, I've no idea what's going on (and even then, refer to clause 1 ).

'Shunt', 'ridged', 'foreigner', cloths', 'pitched' all seem to be misused, 'ass' is out of register.

"Quietly, it began" is reminiscent of the War of the Worlds, but I wouldn't necessarily say that was a bad thing.

Definitely intriguing though

I have to agree about "ass". It just doesn't belong there. I kind of rushed this to be honest and could have spent a bit more time on it.

I am not sure about misusing words. They felt particular to me, especially when I consider the rest of the story, which you obviously haven't seen yet I did misplace "Ridged" for "Rigid". Gotta love those fancy word "guesser" in word processors! I have edited that now!

pickarooney

sillysausage wrote: »

I have to agree about "ass". It just doesn't belong there. I kind of rushed this to be honest and could have spent a bit more time on it.

I am not sure about misusing words. They felt particular to me, especially when I consider the rest of the story, which you obviously haven't seen yet

I don't want to come across as overly nit-picky, but 'shunt' is a either a noun or a present tense verb and I'd be fairly sure you meant 'rigid' for 'ridged'. 'Pitched' really means 'threw', even if the context makes it clear what you're getting at. 'Foreigner' and 'cloths' are surely right in the scope of a more complete text.

sillysausage

pickarooney wrote: »

I don't want to come across as overly nit-picky, but 'shunt' is a either a noun or a present tense verb and I'd be fairly sure you meant 'rigid' for 'ridged'. 'Pitched' really means 'threw', even if the context makes it clear what you're getting at. 'Foreigner' and 'cloths' are surely right in the scope of a more complete text.

I got in before you there with "rigid", your were correct (see my edited post above).

I never considered "pitched" to mean anything other than "sound in a certain key". Its a little like taking the word "set", out of context it has the largest definition in the English dictionary!

The "higher pitched foreigner" was meant to be the foreign body or entity, that had occupied the chap's mind/body and was omitting a sound at a higher pitch than his heart. Was this ambiguous? Didn't I construct this correctly at all?

pickarooney

sillysausage wrote: »

I got in before you there with "rigid", your were correct (see my edited post above).

I never considered "pitched" to mean anything other than "sound in a certain key". Its a little like taking the word "set", out of context it has the largest definition in the English dictionary!

The "higher pitched foreigner" was meant to be the foreign body or entity, that had occupied the chap's mind/body and was omitting a sound at a higher pitch than his heart. Was this ambiguous? Didn't I construct this correctly at all?

'Pitched' is fine in the context of 'higher-pitched'. The use of 'foreigner' for a non-human article is alien to me, but it may well be legitimate. It's likely to puzzle the reader though.

"Higher and higher they pitched"

This is where 'pitched' is misused. As a verb it has a separate meaning (much like 'sound' above as a verb doesn't mean 'to make a sound').

Matt Holck

sounds like origin for a superhero
perhaps with sonic powers

shiv

enticing beginning...is there more?

sillysausage

shiv wrote: »

enticing beginning...is there more?

There is more, and I have cleaned up the start a little after taking on board some valid comments. Problem is though, I am not sure if I should continue with it. Writing is a lot harder than I thought, and I have never written anything before in my life. Also, if I do continue, I would like to keep it to myself, which is kind of pointless, isn't it?

P.S. Also, I am sure my grammar needs attention. I am not really sure about the basics - commas, full stops etc. Sounds silly. I got a very high grade in honours English but I honestly can't remember ever being taught grammar correctly. I am sure that is easily remedied though, with enough reading!