Made a mistake, don't know what to do

foolish

Any advice here - however harsh - would be gratefully received.
I met a girl a while ago (we've known each other for a few months through friends, the usual). Anyway, we went out on a date & got on like a house on fire. Talked from early evening till the early hours of the morning. Some flirting on both parts, etc etc. At the end of the evening, I was about to ask her if she wanted to do this again, i.e. go out on a date & before I even had a chance to say that, she jumped in & said that she'd had a great time but didnt think there'd be any romance.Anyway, I kind of brushed it off & changed the subject & said I'd had a great time too & was fairly drunk and tired so was going to head. She then said, 'are you going to leave it like that?' I just made very polite excuses, then left. That was on a Saturday night. I didn't contact her again but got a message the following Tuesday from her saying that she'd had a great night but that it was a shame I didn't want us to be friends. Don't know where she got that impression. Anyway, I wrote back saying that of course we could be & sorry for any misunderstanding & if she wanted to meet up again, to give me a shout. Anyway,she hasn't been in touch and I'd love to see her again but just don't know how to approach it. Any ideas? Is there any point in pursuing this? If nothing else, I WOULD like to be friends with her.

biko

Only stay friends if you don't want romance. Otherwise it's not going to end well, a girl that says she "a great time but didn't think there'd be any romance" will not change her mind. IMO. I could be wrong.

seosamh1980

sorry to rain on your parade but you may have missed the boat on that one. put it in the back of your mind and head out this weekend. you never know you might meet her by chance and pick up where you left off.

MagicMarker

Ugh... as nice as it was of her to be clear with you on the night she sounds like a headwrecker tbh. OP, you didn't make a mistake at all!

If you really want to be friends with her though, just friends! then just send her a casual text tomorrow asking what's up? If she doesn't respond, leave it.

foolish

Thanks for all your responses. Reality check, I guess. Just one thing Seosamh when you say "sorry to rain on your parade but you may have missed the boat on that one", in what sense to you mean? Should I have done anything different for a different outcome? Again, I'm not just saying this & it wasn't just in my mind but we were v relaxed with each other & got on so well. I just feel I might have scuppered things at the end - I think she might have thought that I was going to professs love or something ....which couldn't have been further from the truth. Is there anything salvageable here?

Sugar Drunk

she doesnt want romance, you barely know her so why not just leave it. What benefit would there be in being friends with her - you obviously want more and she doesnt so it would just end in tears

AngryBadger

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

she doesnt want romance, you barely know her so why not just leave it. What benefit would there be in being friends with her - you obviously want more and she doesnt so it would just end in tears

+1

SpookyDoll

OP, she does sound like a headwrecker..... very presumptuous !!!
"there will be no romance".....eh its not like you even got that far anyway, she sounds like she was taking a lot for granted.

She sounds like a bit of a timewaster to me.

missmatty

SpookyDoll wrote: »

OP, she does sound like a headwrecker..... very presumptuous !!!
"there will be no romance".....eh its not like you even got that far anyway, she sounds like she was taking a lot for granted.

She sounds like a bit of a timewaster to me.

For God's sake, it's not presumptuous. The guy was about to ask her out and she obviously picked up on that, maybe she thought it was kinder to head him off in case he got really embarrassed when she refused.

OP, I'd leave it. Girls like to be friends with guys but it takes them a long time to learn that guys don't really do friends if they're really into the female friend in question.

BAM!

If you really do want a romance OP then it would be hard to be her friend as you would always in the long run want something more. Maybe meet up with her again and determine if she feels it will ever lead to more. If she's just insisting on being your friend then I think it could be quite difficult for you if you really do like her.

foolish

BAM! wrote: »

If you really do want a romance OP then it would be hard to be her friend as you would always in the long run want something more. Maybe meet up with her again and determine if she feels it will ever lead to more. If she's just insisting on being your friend then I think it could be quite difficult for you if you really do like her.

yes, you're right. I don't even know if I want more at this stage anyhow. I just feel a nagging feeling that I handled the situation wrong. I mean, I didn't nother to contact her afterwards....yet she contacted me....do you see what I mean? Why did she bother to do that, particularly as we parted on a dampner , so to speak.

I don't know how to approach meeting up with her again?

Really appreciate all this advice, BTW.

Andystoran

She knew you were interested in romance so she put a halt to it there and then. fair enough but then shes texting wanting to meet up.:rolleyes:
U cant be friends with a girl that u fancy.
She sounds like she likes the attention and is looking to string you along for a while to boost her ego.

Sugar Drunk

yep thats right she doesnt want you but she wants you to want her - girls like this give the rest of us a bad name! They want the friend benefits but not go give anything back.

why do you want to meet up with her again? Do you need a friend that badly? or do you think that hanging out with her in the guise of being 'just friends' will eventually lead to her developing feelings for you and becoming more than friends?

because that rarely happens especially when shes already said no romance and will just lead to you posting on here that your mad about a friend who doesnt feel the same

SpookyDoll

yep thats right she doesnt want you but she wants you to want her - girls like this give the rest of us a bad name! They want the friend benefits but not go give anything back.

Correct, totally agree, thats why these types of girls bug me.

Girls like to be friends with guys but it takes them a long time to learn that guys don't really do friends if they're really into the female friend in question.

"it takes them a long time to learn" -But that not good enough when other peoples emotions/hopes are involved. I think that often girls know well enough, sometimes it just flatters them to have someone panting around them. If you are not interested in a fella I think its better to just kindly tell them, rather than to leave them floating around in the friend zone! Its too much of a head fry!

LegacyUser

foolish wrote: »

yes, you're right. I don't even know if I want more at this stage anyhow. I just feel a nagging feeling that I handled the situation wrong. I mean, I didn't nother to contact her afterwards....yet she contacted me....do you see what I mean? Why did she bother to do that, particularly as we parted on a dampner , so to speak.

I don't know how to approach meeting up with her again?

Really appreciate all this advice, BTW.

Yeah it seems like she might like the attention. Normally if this happened you might be a bit uncomfortable and want to leave the situation alone to avoid leading someone on. Maybe she is flattered that you like her and wants to keep being admired

If she contacts you again maybe you should ask her to meet for a chat, just check out the vibe and if it seems like she's stringing you along just say flat out, look I like you (if you still do), would you ever see this going to the next level? If not then ask yourself if you can remain friends with someone who you have feelings for. I've learned the hard way that's it's far better not to play games from the start, it gets too complicated and you'll only end up frustrated.

If she doesn't contact you and you do feel like you need to see her to move on, just send a text and ask if she wants to meet for a coffee and then do the above. This is just what I'd do OP- if you feel like you can just break contact now and move on then just go with that. I understand how this can really play with your mind!

Just my 2c anyway

STUBBORNGIRL

hey Op,

I have been in your situation before and when the guy told me he didnt want a relationship but he still wanted to be friends with me I told him that i had enough friends of my own and that i wasnt looking for a friend. I had grown to like him after our few dates and i knew that because i felt for him that i would only be hurt wanting something that didnt want me! I would advise you to nip it in the bud and move on now!

She said she didnt want anything romantic so i dont think that she is goign to change her mind! Cut that thread now and believe me in a few months you wont even remember her name! Life can be cruel but i think it is just making way for someone better to come into your life!!

Good luck with it

not yet

foolish wrote: »

Any advice here - however harsh - would be gratefully received.
I met a girl a while ago (we've known each other for a few months through friends, the usual). Anyway, we went out on a date & got on like a house on fire. Talked from early evening till the early hours of the morning. Some flirting on both parts, etc etc. At the end of the evening, I was about to ask her if she wanted to do this again, i.e. go out on a date & before I even had a chance to say that, she jumped in & said that she'd had a great time but didnt think there'd be any romance.Anyway, I kind of brushed it off & changed the subject & said I'd had a great time too & was fairly drunk and tired so was going to head. She then said, 'are you going to leave it like that?' I just made very polite excuses, then left. That was on a Saturday night. I didn't contact her again but got a message the following Tuesday from her saying that she'd had a great night but that it was a shame I didn't want us to be friends. Don't know where she got that impression. Anyway, I wrote back saying that of course we could be & sorry for any misunderstanding & if she wanted to meet up again, to give me a shout. Anyway,she hasn't been in touch and I'd love to see her again but just don't know how to approach it. Any ideas? Is there any point in pursuing this? If nothing else, I WOULD like to be friends with her.

Please my friend get real, women like to have loads of ''friends'' for one reason or an other.

You like this girl and I'm guessing would find it hard to keep it platonic(even in your head) while on the other hand she could do it for years.

So just leave it, and politely decline her next (and there will be a next) offer of a chat,drink,catch up etc.

foolish

[/quote]If she contacts you again maybe you should ask her to meet for a chat, just check out the vibe and if it seems like she's stringing you along just say flat out, look I like you (if you still do), would you ever see this going to the next level? If not then ask yourself if you can remain friends with someone who you have feelings for. I've learned the hard way that's it's far better not to play games from the start, it gets too complicated and you'll only end up frustrated.

If she doesn't contact you and you do feel like you need to see her to move on, just send a text and ask if she wants to meet for a coffee and then do the above. This is just what I'd do OP- if you feel like you can just break contact now and move on then just go with that. I understand how this can really play with your mind!

Just my 2c anyway [/quote]

Thanks...My guess is that she won't contact me. She actually emailed originally to send the message she sent...putting it over on me, saying that it was me who decided we couldn't be friends. Look, I just need closure, I guess. I suppose the context of this is that she did say to me how similar we were - similar lives, worldview, etc., etc.. easy in each other's company, etc.She was [hysically at her ease with me, touching my arm & hand, etc...I mean, I'm not imagining this. I just really, instinctually feel this was a missed opportunity & I don't know how to even re-open dialogue? Am I a loser to want to do that? I'm beginning to feel like one. This is the FIRST time in my life that I've felt like this (&I'm in my 30's with a long relationship behind me). If she doesn't contact me, is there anyway I can contact her again without looking like a sad case?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

In your original post you said you were fairly drunk...from that I'm just thinking maybe you took her up wrong, just maybe? When she said the stuff about the no romance I mean, maybe she was testing the waters with you?
I dunno, it sounds like she may have wanted to go slow, perhaps, (although mentioning romance at all into a first date's a bit forced and silly I think) or maybe she is just one of those girls who thinks a bloke who doesn't want to be friends when there's no romance is on the horizon is only into casual stuff, who knows...I don't think any of the above... I just think that maybe she could have, but you're not going to get the answers you are looking for from anyone here...ask her.

Ask her what she meant if you're looking for closure. Tell her you thought the date went well, and that you wanted to see her again but she confused you by putting you off and then inviting your attention again, that you're more straight forward than that, and does she want to go out and have some fun with you, without the promise of anything else, or does she know what she wants at all. Then if she chops and changes any more, move on for sure because then you'll know she doesn't know her own mind and will probably bend yours into a banana too. That's as simple as you can make it, you'll get your closure either way and if she doesn't at least reciprocate by being equally candid then she's not worth your worries.
You're too old to mess around or be messed around. Best of luck.

Drift

Hey OP. I think you should listen to exactly what Sugar Drunk is saying.

From what you've told us about this girl I think that she has no romantic interest in you (just as she told you) but she still wants the ego boost of feeling like you want her. Thats why she didn't want you to just leave on the night and it's why she texted you after. She already has plenty of her own friends so what she's looking for from you is the emotional ego boost of knowing you want her. Like a safety net that she can go to to feel good when the men she actually wants aren't doing what she wants.

The way I see it you've two ways of dealing with this situation:

Option 1: Get away from her fast, anyone immature enough to be playing these games isn't worth the hassle. She'll probably text etc. but you should completely ignore it and get on with finding a woman who's worth it. (This is the option I'd take.)

Option 2: Play the game. If you ignore her and throw her the odd bit of half-hearted uninterested contact she'll more than likely get a bit annoyed that you aren't falling for her (like in her opinion you should be). This MAY lead her to pursue you, although she won't really be pursuing you she'll be pursuing her own peace of mind and self esteem so that she can believe that every guy wants her. Either way you could end up getting some action and maybe even a relationship but you'll be setting yourself up for drama queen land and it will all end in tears. (I definitely wouldn't take up this option and I don't think you should either because you seem like a good guy - but there are plenty of game players out there that would, including this girl by the looks of things.)


Reading back through my post it seems a bit cynical. I may be completely off target with my opinion of this girl but from what you've posted OP she really doesn't seem worth the effort. She intercepted you before you could ask for another date, which from some girls would be a genuinely nice thing to do to prevent you from embarrasing yourself. A nice girl however would not get in mood when you made your excuses to leave just after and almost certainly wouldn't text a few days later to check if you still want her.

foolish

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP

In your original post you said you were fairly drunk...from that I'm just thinking maybe you took her up wrong, just maybe? When she said the stuff about the no romance I mean, maybe she was testing the waters with you?
I dunno, it sounds like she may have wanted to go slow, perhaps, (although mentioning romance at all into a first date's a bit forced and silly I think) or maybe she is just one of those girls who thinks a bloke who doesn't want to be friends when there's no romance is on the horizon is only into casual stuff, who knows...I don't think any of the above... I just think that maybe she could have, but you're not going to get the answers you are looking for from anyone here...ask her.

Ask her what she meant if you're looking for closure. Tell her you thought the date went well, and that you wanted to see her again but she confused you by putting you off and then inviting your attention again, that you're more straight forward than that, and does she want to go out and have some fun with you, without the promise of anything else, or does she know what she wants at all. Then if she chops and changes any more, move on for sure because then you'll know she doesn't know her own mind and will probably bend yours into a banana too. That's as simple as you can make it, you'll get your closure either way and if she doesn't at least reciprocate by being equally candid then she's not worth your worries.
You're too old to mess around or be messed around. Best of luck.

Thanks...that makes alot of sense. I do think it was a series of misunderstandings & she DID pre-empt me saying something amorous, I guess....totally WRONG! I had no intention of it! That's really good advice & I'll take it. The next thing is to actually get to talk to her...my dignity is telling me to wait till she gets in touch...I DID respond to her message leaving it open for her to contact me again & she hasn't been, so the last thing I'd want her to do would be to think of me as some sad loser chasing her...just might put her off. You know what I mean? I've had people chase me before (well, not often but one or two in my time ) & it IS a bit of a turn-off, even if you're undecided. I was thinking of contacting her next week (a good few weeks have passed)....and saying what you've just said (I owe you, thanks...) but SHOULD I do this? Sorry, but I'm just up the wall STILL. Haven't really slept right since.