Should I stay or should I go now?

LegacyUser

Hi, just looking for some feedback on whether to stay in a stale relationship or just throw in the towel.
I have been with my hubby for almost 20 years now. We have 2 young children. Hubby has done many things in the past that hurt me greatly, but I endured for the sake of the kids and because I loved him and stood by him. Over time, he has seen the error of his ways and is a lot better than he ever was.

The thing is, I think that it's just not enough. I feel at this stage that I can never really trust him again no matter how hard he tries. Am I being unreasonable? The kids adore him and I would never let them know about the problems as I think they need to stay innocent.


I am very confused, he tells me he changed for me because he loves me, but I cant help wonder why he didnt "love me" when he was doing the hurtful things.
He is not violent, but is a master at mindgames.

Everything is "rosey in the garden" now, but somehow I dont feel it's enough.

What do you think?

LegacyUser

you really should seek some professional help and consider exploring exactly which areas you are having problems with trusting him with and perhaps have a couples therapy to identify what you need to work on and where the sources of the mistrust comes from.

jimmycrackcorm

Unregistered wrote: »

Everything is "rosey in the garden" now, but somehow I dont feel it's enough.

What do you think?

What is enough then?

brendansmith

To be honest, why do you want to go now and now when he was horrible to you?

Do you think that if there is no drama in you life you get bored?

I dunno tbh, this is not the kind of question you should put on the internet, what if he saw it and recognised you.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Everything is "rosey in the garden" now, but somehow I dont feel it's enough.

Do you know what 'would be enough'?
That's the crux of it really. If things are now rosey in the garden, then you have to look inward now and see what's really going on in your head.
For want of a better word, you sound 'bored', that can change with some effort from yourself.

Tarakiwa

Looking here for advice cant really hurt but to get real benifit I wold suggest taking with a professional.

Good luck!

Marksie

I dont think any stay or go advice would be useful as simply we do not know the full situation or what "enough" means.

So:

Have you ever been to professional couples counselling or mediation?

Have you explored the reasons why he was hurting you?

What do you mean by "rosey in the garden"?

Things are rarely a one way street: have you explored possibilities that your behaviour may have triggered responses?

What do you mean by he hasn't done enough?..have you continued to support and encourage while he has attempted to change?

"error of his ways" almost seems like a correctional facility, how have you dealt with his changes support or carrot and stick?

"he changed because he loved me": well best change is because someone wants to do something for themselves. But there is at least felxibility there. Are you being flexible enough.?

He plays mindgames, ...do you?

Questions questions questions.

Probably lots more that need to be explored and you wont be able to nexplore them fully here.
But you will if you both seek professional counselling.

Have you already made up your mind and are looking for affirmation? THis sometimes happens in threads like this, 99 posts giving reasoned advice that a poster doesn't want to hear and 1 post they do, and that isnthe one that gets leapt on.

Now Stay or go its your choice, but lets assume you are open minded to all of this.
Then the best advice is to make a reasoned decision via mediation. But be prepared for some surprising answers if he opens fully. THings aren't necessarily clear cut and you may find that some of your behavioural attributes may need to be looked at.