Unwanted attention

sma2008

Need a bit of advice about what i should do in the position i am finding myself. I'm attending night classes and recently returned afer the summer break. There is a guy in my class approx 30-35 yr old who is really bothering me. I endured this for the whole of last term and am really dreading another 8 months of it.
Basically, there is something not quite right about him. I suspect he has a mild form of autism or maybe asperger's syndrome, he just doesn't seem to know how to behave "normally" in a social situation. He has completely fixed all his attention on me. He askes me loads of questions about myself that i'd prefer not to answer, where do i work, where do i live, what kind of car i drive... He joins me and my friends on our break but has no interest in what they are talking about. As soon as i partake in the convsation he's in my face asking qustions again. I have almost stopped talking at break and the people i've become friendly with are getting really annoyed by his presence. Last term he consistently gave out to me if i left the class early or missed a class. He took to following me to where my car was parked even though his car may have been parked on the opposite side of campus. This really unnerved me and one of the other girls always made sure to walk me to my car. Sometimes i find the questions he asks me so ridiculous that i end up laughing, his usual response is "you're very easily entertained, always laughing at something" in an almost diapproving tone. Last night, as i set off to go to my car, my friend called me back as she saw he was setting out to follow me and i ended walking the opposite direction to her car so she could drop me at my own car. He still followed the two of us halfway then announced his car was the other direction and headed off.
I really dont think there is anything malicious in his nature it's the intense attention that makes me feel uncomfortable and is driving other people away from me as they are also uncomfortable in his presence. I want to tell him to leave me alone but i almost feel sorry for him. I know a few families whose children have problems socialising and it's probably an achievement for him to be attending a night class. I find it very hard to be rude or mean to him but everyone is telling me i need to start ignoring him.
Help, what should i do?

Davei141

I dont understand why women put up with that **** under the guise of "i would feel bad" telling him to get lost. Seriously reading that post its creepy, the guy may be a "social retard" but it is no excuse for letting him act like that. Listen to what "everyone" has been telling you.

johnnysmurfman

The sentence you are looking for is: "I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to talk to you, stop bothering me and stop following me or I am going to inform the university authorities that you are harassing me". Do this as soon as possible.

SpookyDoll

Listen, the only mistake you are making is trying to give him the "hint" politely. There are times in life when it is appropriate to be polite and times when its not, you dont have to be rude, just a lot clearer.

You dont have to be a b1tch but if you think he has Aspergers or is on the autistic spectrum. you are going to have to forget pleasant "hints" etc and avoidant behaviour wont work either. You are going to have to explicitly state what you want him to do to leave you alone.

Explain to your friends who you sit with the story and then when he tries to join you use firm and direct statements and instructions like "Sorry Jimbo No dont sit down there, we are happy on our own, we dont want company right now"

If he starts following you somewhere say "Jimbo what do you want, No, I dont want company right now, go back to your own car/friends/bus stop, bye" etc
Autistic people have trouble reading expressions/nuance of tone and meaning etc, you have got to be literal in what you want. He may well say "Why, do you not like me?" You have got to be ready to say "No sorry Jimbo" as much as that sounds harsh you dont have much choice, short term pain for long term gain.

You have got to stop pussyfooting around, stop being afraid of offending him. He wont be that offended anyway and anyway what do you care, you dont have any alternative Dont say you are afraid "people will think I am a b1tch" because its either that or put up with it.

My sister was like you are, always being nice and afraid of offending these people who for whatever reason bug others, like you said there may be no malice in it, but I never entertained people like this too long, I find be quite direct and if they bug you back with more questions/statements etc just say "ah look Jimbo you are bugging me with all these questions etc" whatever and they will usually go on their way. They might moan and grumble a bit that you are "mean" etc to others but sure others see what they are like anyway and will be running away too!

Be direct, its gone beyond the time for politeness! He's annoying you, you've got to stop it!

Wibbs

Spookydoll nails it. Follow that advice and it should get him off your back.

sma2008

think you're spot on, Spookydoll, with the direct statements, I suppose i have been holding back because of what other people may think of me for being mean but as this stage everyone is probably wondering why im still putting up with it! Will try this next week. Hope he gets the message.

sam34

i had trouble with someone hassling me, texting and ringing, despite having repeatedly told him that i didnt want contact. when i was at the end of my tether, i sent a text saying "if you contact me again, by any means, under any circumstances, i will report you to the guards for harrassment, which is a criminal offence" . it worked, no hassle since.

slumped

Does his first name begin with A ?

If it does, PM me.

I know a guy like that - fairly tall and has curly hair - really freaked out a few girls when I was in college with him before!

shoegirl

sma2008 wrote: »

Basically, there is something not quite right about him. ... he just doesn't seem to know how to behave "normally" in a social situation.

... I want to tell him to leave me alone but i almost feel sorry for him. I know a few families whose children have problems socialising and it's probably an achievement for him to be attending a night class. I find it very hard to be rude or mean to him but everyone is telling me i need to start ignoring him.
Help, what should i do?

I can really sympathise with your situation here. I am a magnet for nutters like this. The key for those of us who get into this situation is your statement "i almost feel sorry for him."

Unfortunately society is rather pee-see about people with personality disorders so its un-PC to not be really nice and accepting to people with big problems. Trouble is, in the real world, they do provide you with what you very accurate and nicely put as "unwanted attention." Most people would be way less PC and label this as a form of stalking. And you know what? I hate to say it, but they are right, and people like this so latch onto anybody who is in any way kind towards them, as clearly you have been towards this guy. You've respected him, treated him just like anybody else, and for your trouble, now he's homed in.

Part of the problem with people like this is that he is unlikely to hear what you say. I am trying to cut the ties with an old hanger-on who has worshipped me for years. My main reason is this lady has taken to making up all kinds of stories about herself that are not true. And I am sick of it.

But you know, like your classmate, everybody thinks of people like that as "harmless." I find "harmless" when applied to people a very dangerous word. If I were you I would try to get this guy on his own, but in a public area (i.e. with a friend in the vicinity), and explain to him that his attention is excessive and unacceptable.

I know what you are thinking and yes you are right - he more than likely won't hear anything you say. He'll put words into your mouth or interpret things differently, but at least you'll have tried.

That is one option and the more ethical one.

The less ethical option is to totally cut him off and ignore him. Chances are you will end up doing this anyway. I have friends who say to me that it is unfair but I think if you are dealing with somebody with a version of reality that involves imagining things or inventing things, you might have no real choice. As I said: there is no such thing as "harmless."

It sounds like you are a really nice person, so don't feel bad. Its the nice people that get latched onto by folks like this always.

Alun

There's someone very like that in a club I'm a member of, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that in the same way that they're unable to pick up on the subtleties of social interaction that other people can, they also appear to be in no way offended if you just tell them in black and white that you're not interested in talking to them any more and not to bother you again. The more you put it off, just feigning mild disinterest and remaining a soft touch, the more they'll latch on to you. I did this to the guy in question after he regaled me for the 50th time on the pros and cons of the various car washes in the Dublin area, and he's never bothered me again. I even see him on the bus every now and again, and he totally ignores me.

Davei141

shoegirl wrote: »

I can really sympathise with your situation here. I am a magnet for nutters like this. The key for those of us who get into this situation is your statement "i almost feel sorry for him."

Exactly, and im afraid that unless you lose that whole "feeling sorry for them" "i feel bad telling them to get lost" mentally you will deal with this a whole lot more in future. Nip it in the bud with this guy and learn from it, because some people can really manipulate that sort of weakness and it can lead to a whole lot of needless hassle.

LegacyUser

I have Asperger's and I do not act like that but I would not be offended if someone remarked on my being 'a little off' (usually eye contact or frequency of speaking, though) as people sometimes do.

I've attended 2 social development projects for adults with AS - I know what some of the personalities and traits are like so I feel for you. If anything these have projects have taught me that sometimes there are times when you need to be a little and say that something is making you uncomfortable. Boundaries are a huge issue for me so more often than not I would simply stay away from a person after a class or whatever so as to avoid being perceived as a weirdo, not that I believe I am, I'm just a bit too quiet for some people's liking. Irrespective of a diagnosis there is no excuse for someone, particularly somone of that age, to behave this way though I know many people can be diagnosed later in life. I don't know if there's a specific soluation but I think you need to be firm without being too blunt to make him realise what he's doing is inappropriate. I would make it clear you've found it difficult to be around him, honesty is the best policy.

Lockstep

You could try telling him politely but firmly.

I wouldn't say there's any need to be overly rude as he does just seem like socially awkward.

But definetly hammer the point home.

Redpunto

First off if he does have a form of autism, the people referring to him as nutter or a social retard, i hope you never have a child with problems like that.

ANyhows to answer the question, if he does have a form of autism youll have to be direct, he wont take any hints onboard that you give him. Hints firstly do not work on blokes anyway, and someone whos has this problem will definately not pick up on the hints. You cannot be made uncomfortable like this, say it straight and dont feel bad about it. Hes probably latched onto you becuase youre being nice to him.

BrandonBlock

You need to go to your local garda station and file a police report immediately. If this nutter does anything then you will have backup, and the gardai will have a solid lead. Inform him he has been reported to the gardai also.

Sangre

BrandonBlock wrote: »

You need to go to your local garda station and file a police report immediately. If this nutter does anything then you will have backup, and the gardai will have a solid lead. Inform him he has been reported to the gardai also.

Or you could what a reasonable person would and actually tell him his attention is unwanted.

BrandonBlock

Sangre wrote: »

Or you could what a reasonable person would and actually tell him his attention is unwanted.

He doesn't sound like the type who will get the message.

He took to following me to where my car was parked even though his car may have been parked on the opposite side of campus. This really unnerved me

Last night, as i set off to go to my car, my friend called me back as she saw he was setting out to follow me

I'm sorry but that is criminal harassment and needs to (at very least) be reported to the gardai.

maireadmarie

To be honest, I'm not sure that this guy has an autistic problem, nor Asperger's Syndrome. People with the latter usually have one main interest and will keep on about it for a long time, but don't usually focus on one person only to talk about it.
I agree with the previous poster who obviously disliked the linking of autism with this character - there are many many other personality disorders this guy could have, and I also find the 'social retard' reference quite offensive.
I do think though that as you are unaware of what his real problem is, it would definitely be safer to deal with the situation now. The poster who warned off by text the man hassling her had a happy outcome, but some people, depending on their problem, might react differently to such a text, becoming angry at the perceived rejection and might prove to be more of a threat.
One solution would be to have a word with the teacher or lecturer on the course, explaining what is going on, and see if they can either investigate his background or even speak to him about his behaviour. Gathering into a group and repulsing this man might not be a wise (nor kind) thing to do until you know more about his problems.

sma2008

Thanks for all the advice. Can i just say that i mean absolutely no offence to ppl with either of the conditions i mentioned. I probably am not that educated on the subject but know a little and this seemed like a resonable explanation for his behaviour. I also find the "social retard" comments a bit offensive. I really don't think i need to do anything as drastic as file a report with the gardai but my intention is to tell him fiirmly and clearly that i don't want him to talk to me, follow me or sit with me at break. if this doesn't work i might do something a bit more full on but the general consensus seems to be that i need to take a stand with him..
Thanks again for all the advice.

Zillah

Be direct. If he is on the autistic spectrum no amount of subtle hints will get through. Please forgive the possible harshness of the metaphor, but act as if you were talking to a computer; direct information, social subtleties will just go over his head. Explain that the attention is making you uncomfortable and explain the things he has done that are inappropriate.

Autistic or not, if he doesn't change his behaviour you need to consider reporting him to someone.

Speaking of which, what kind of classes are they? If he's genuinely autustic then the lecturer would almost certainly be aware of it and know who he's close to, be it a friend or family member.

DapperGent

BrandonBlock wrote: »

You need to go to your local garda station and file a police report immediately. If this nutter does anything then you will have backup, and the gardai will have a solid lead. Inform him he has been reported to the gardai also.

I think you've been watching too much telly.

Ann22

That's like something that would happen me... I'd find it difficult to tell him to feck off. I'd prob just try ignoring him and get more stressed out when it didn't work.There used to be a girl I worked with who was seriously odd. She was fixated on a girl she worked beside but when the girl left I was friendly to her 'cos I felt sorry for her... then she attached herself to me. Nobody else wanted to sit with her because her attitudes to stuff was so weird for example if you mentioned pmt or evening primrose oil she'd cover her ears and say 'do you mind? I'm trying to eat!!' Dead odd..she would follow me around no matter where I went and I was nice to her and defended her 'cos I knew she had difficulty mixing and would be lost with no one to sit with. Then after a few years one day she suddenly stopped talking to me, I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing was but her eyes were so blank-really creepy. From then on when I spoke directly to her face she would totally ignore me but strangely however she would linger at the coffee machine at break to see where I was sitting in the canteen and follow me, she'd sit at my table and talk to everyone except me after I'd spent years involving her in everything. Even offer sweets around the whole table and skip me. This really upset me. I was so aware of her presence all the time.I ended up talking to my superviser about it as a friend and the next day she was moved to the far end of the factory. Happy days! On the day she left about a year after she'd been moved to the other dept she came up to my area to say goodbye to everyone else except me even though I was the only one to be a genuine friend to her. I never forgot this. Some people are just feckin' weird. I really feel sorry for you, I know what it's like having that dark presence hanging around you.

Carrigart Exile

BrandonBlock wrote: »

You need to go to your local garda station and file a police report immediately. If this nutter does anything then you will have backup, and the gardai will have a solid lead. Inform him he has been reported to the gardai also.

whooooaaaaa, and relax.

So far its a guy who may struggle understanding social boundaries and who clearly has an interest in the OP that can only manifest that by being overly obvious.

I am horrified at the 'nutter' and 'retard' comments towards people who are on the autism spectrum, I think I would rather have them as friends than those that name call.

OP, firm but polite is the way.

The Sweeper

+1 on the need for clarity.

I was talking to someone who works in disability services here recently, and she pointed out that you have to be very careful in your use of jargon around autistic people - if you want them to be quiet, you must say "Please be quiet". If that seems confrontational, so you couch it as 'Here Jim, put a sock in it will you?' you'll turn around to discover Jim, one shoe off, sock in hand, patiently waiting for further information about where the sock has to go.

If you want to seem less aggressive, try couching it as a question - "John, I don't know if you realise this, but your attention makes me quite uncomfortable. The way you question me and follow me to my car - did you realise you're making me feel very uncomfortable, and that makes me quite unhappy?"

Davei141

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

whooooaaaaa, and relax.

So far its a guy who may struggle understanding social boundaries and who clearly has an interest in the OP that can only manifest that by being overly obvious.

I am horrified at the 'nutter' and 'retard' comments towards people who are on the autism spectrum, I think I would rather have them as friends than those that name call.

OP, firm but polite is the way.

Horrified...jesus you poor soul you. I wasn't calling autistic people social retards, i was talking generally about those people who creep women out with their behaviour. What would you call them? Socially challenged? Creepy *****? Weirdo's? I've come across too many people who could be described as the above and are just a menace to women, and guess what? NONE of them were autistic, take your false outrage somewhere else.

TripleAce

Take out the whole class for drinks next time, and if (or better “when”) he asks you the reason for this, you can say you are celebrating that your long term boyfriend finally got out of prison after 2 years for beating up a guy who was being to “friendly” with you

marti101

I think really at this stage go to your tutor and let them sort it out but keep a diary.I know people are saying you cant call them retards and thats fair enough but we dont know for certain if there is anything wrong with him.He could just be a stalker.She has to look after herself the guy who is doing this doesnt come in to it.

badolepuddytat

BrandonBlock wrote: »

You need to go to your local garda station and file a police report immediately. If this nutter does anything then you will have backup, and the gardai will have a solid lead. Inform him he has been reported to the gardai also.

I think that this is really unfair if he hasn't been explicitly informed that his attentions are unwelcome. As the op has said, he appears socially inept, he needs to be pointed (directly and clearly) in the appropriate direction with regard to social interactions. I have had similar 'fans' in the past and learnt from past mistakes, including feeling guilty for pulling them up on intrusive and unsettling behaviours due to their personal circumstances.

Tell him that he has made you very uncomfortable and that you want him to give you space (in a public place as another poster has mentioned). He might not realise how unnerving it is for someone to have this attention directed at them or he might enjoy making someone feel as awkward as he does in social situations. Don't entertain behaviour that's not acceptable, including the interrogations, excessive attention and clinging to your company. Be jokey or firm, whatever works, if he ridicules you for laughing don't feel embarrassed tell him that he's being inappropriate and sorry if you can't help but laugh so please stop with the questioning.

Ask your friends to keep an eye out for you, maybe arrange to meet before college/share lifts if possible. By all means inform him that you will have to report his activities if he doesn't stop harassing you.

Sugar Drunk

God Op what a nightmare! Theres been so great advice on this thread on how to deal with this. Theres no way of knowing if this guy has autism/aspergers or is just a social misfit. The trouble with people who behave like this man is that they force the ball into your court by their actions and you are left facing the decision to put up with it or to say something which makes you feel like a cruel person.

You have tried being subtle and its just not working so you need to be very blunt and specific. A manager in work thought me an invaluable lesson in this. She advised me that I can stand up for myself and be very strong without displaying a lot of emotion or coming across as rude. Like spookydoll suggested my manager said that simple direct sentences are best as they cannot be misconstrued e.g. 'The way that you are bahaving makes me uncomfortable.' 'Please do not follow me to my car or anywhere else again'

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

BrandonBlock wrote: »

You need to go to your local garda station and file a police report immediately. If this nutter does anything then you will have backup, and the gardai will have a solid lead. Inform him he has been reported to the gardai also.

this is horrible advice. please don't do this.

your tutor will be able to sort things out.

first, you might want to have a chat with guy and just make things clear and give him 'a last chance'. I really like minesajackdaniels advice.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Redpunto wrote: »

First off if he does have a form of autism, the people referring to him as nutter or a social retard, i hope you never have a child with problems like that..

Well said I wonder how they would feel if they had a brother like that and he was described as a social retard or nutter?

Carrigart Exile

Davei141 wrote: »

Horrified...jesus you poor soul you. I wasn't calling autistic people social retards, i was talking generally about those people who creep women out with their behaviour. What would you call them? Socially challenged? Creepy *****? Weirdo's? I've come across too many people who could be described as the above and are just a menace to women, and guess what? NONE of them were autistic, take your false outrage somewhere else.

the guy may be a "social retard"

Your words Dave and your inverted commas.

Davei141

Conner Tiny Moisture wrote: »

Well said I wonder how they would feel if they had a brother like that and he was described as a social retard or nutter?

A brother like what? with autism or a knack for scaring women? I wonder how people would feel if they had a sister or a mother being scared **** less?

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

the guy may be a "social retard"

Your words Dave and your inverted commas.

Thats brilliant, off you go.

scary_tractors

I have been at the receiving end of something like this and know a couple of other girls who have, too. More common than you would think.

I also have a relative with a mental illness who probably has freaked people out in his time. Because I know him, I know how to handle him, but if I didn't I would probably be nervous of him.

I think a lot of the advice you've received is correct. Be direct. Not cruel or offensive but direct. If it doesn't stop after that, inform your tutor (there are a lot of comments here saying they will help you, but my third level experience would indicate otherwise, they're not like a schoolteacher and probably aren't that interested in you). After that it may be time to inform the guards. But you have to give warnings first and make yourself clear.

Good luck.

the_syco

Davei141 wrote: »

I wonder how people would feel if they had a sister or a mother being scared **** less?

The person scaring them would get a stern word.

=-=

The lads a looper, either tell him in no uncertain terms to get lost, or ask the police for help with a possible stalker.

LegacyUser

I can relate to the op's situation.. in a way.. Im just after goin into my 3rd year of college, my class as such is relativly small, about 8/9 of us from an original 40. Not a very popular course. Anyway of the 8/9 of us there is one lad repeating the year from the previous year..

He acts the same as the op described towards herself, BUT towards all of us. For the few weeks were back at college, at first we didnt mind as such. Just thought he was alittle odd and wanted to make friends etc etc.. fair enough, give the guy a chance and of course be nice, introduce him to the other and basically try make him feel comfortable around all the new faces.. we all know how it feels to be new in work/college/school or what have you..

Anyway, now, he is just literally anoying the fook out of us. Hes harmless, but as the op described he'll follow us around EVERYWHERE.. and i mean that.. literally on one occasion atleast he followed us into the toilet only to stand over out shoulders at the urinals. He didnt even go himself.

He is constantly asking questions to all of us too. Pointless irrelivant ones. Even personal, sometimes too personal. Again we didnt mind at first but they dont stop and as you could prob imagine, doing a 9-5 course mon-fri with the lad is bit frustraiting.

Like the op and her car situation. This guy has taken to following me half way home, well not quite literally. You see i go home for lunch since im only a 15min walk and when im leaving the college the guy will follow me a quarter of the way or so (even tho i said i was heading home, i might not be going back etc to him) he will still walk and then just stop and say "oh, wait are you going home?" to me.. yes.. yes.. i am.. same as yesterday.. the day before that.. and every other day..

He does the above to the others too.. Even as far as getting into cars when were heading for lunch or heading home or anywhere.. He just invites himself..

Again like the op we always hint, but its obvious he doesnt get it..

We dont know what to do because it is clear he has some sort of illness and after all we dont want to hurt the guy sure.. hes only human.. and afaik he has no friends nor life outside so again i'd hate to ask him to leave us alone.

Could anyone offer some advice on what to do? I really cant take any of the previous advice as such..

Thanx

towel401

I wouldnt worry about him too much. even he comes across as being unusual or scary he is most likely harmless

steo87

Hmm and also using paragraphs might help

StormWarrior

Sameprob wrote: »

I can relate to the op's situation.. in a way.. Im just after goin into my 3rd year of college, my class as such is relativly small, about 8/9 of us from an original 40. Not a very popular course. Anyway of the 8/9 of us there is one lad repeating the year from the previous year..

He acts the same as the op described towards herself, BUT towards all of us. For the few weeks were back at college, at first we didnt mind as such. Just thought he was alittle odd and wanted to make friends etc etc.. fair enough, give the guy a chance and of course be nice, introduce him to the other and basically try make him feel comfortable around all the new faces.. we all know how it feels to be new in work/college/school or what have you..

Anyway, now, he is just literally anoying the fook out of us. Hes harmless, but as the op described he'll follow us around EVERYWHERE.. and i mean that.. literally on one occasion atleast he followed us into the toilet only to stand over out shoulders at the urinals. He didnt even go himself.

He is constantly asking questions to all of us too. Pointless irrelivant ones. Even personal, sometimes too personal. Again we didnt mind at first but they dont stop and as you could prob imagine, doing a 9-5 course mon-fri with the lad is bit frustraiting.

Like the op and her car situation. This guy has taken to following me half way home, well not quite literally. You see i go home for lunch since im only a 15min walk and when im leaving the college the guy will follow me a quarter of the way or so (even tho i said i was heading home, i might not be going back etc to him) he will still walk and then just stop and say "oh, wait are you going home?" to me.. yes.. yes.. i am.. same as yesterday.. the day before that.. and every other day..

He does the above to the others too.. Even as far as getting into cars when were heading for lunch or heading home or anywhere.. He just invites himself..

Again like the op we always hint, but its obvious he doesnt get it..

We dont know what to do because it is clear he has some sort of illness and after all we dont want to hurt the guy sure.. hes only human.. and afaik he has no friends nor life outside so again i'd hate to ask him to leave us alone.

Could anyone offer some advice on what to do? I really cant take any of the previous advice as such..

Thanx

Next time say, "Sorry we have tickets to something and there are no tickets left so you won't be able to come."
Then the next time say, "We're going to visit X's aunt in the hospital and she doesn't know you so you wouldn't be able to come."
Just make an excuse every time and he might get the message.

towel401

StormWarrior wrote: »

Next time say, "Sorry we have tickets to something and there are no tickets left so you won't be able to come."
Then the next time say, "We're going to visit X's aunt in the hospital and she doesn't know you so you wouldn't be able to come."
Just make an excuse every time and he might get the message.

a simple "**** off" will save you a lot of trouble