Nagging girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I've been with my g/f for about 2.5 years and we've just moved away from Dublin to live in the country. That was about 3 months ago, everything started out great, both jobs going well and she's adapted to life in the country well. She's from Dublin and I'm from co. Cork so was used to it already.

Thing is, an argument that kept rearing it's head when we up in Dublin has wriggled it's way back into daily life again. I'm big into my sports, namely hurling (drove up and down for matches with my club) and golf. To get us settled I gave up the Hurling. Also as a moving in present I bought her some vouchers for Yoga classes so she could have an interest for the evenings.

So for the past couple of weeks she's been doing her own thing for 2/3 evenings a week (gym/yoga), still seeing each other after 9pm and on the weekends I went golfing for Sat morning while she went to Yoga. Which I've been fine with.

Then yesterday she flips when I say I'm joining a gym, I planned to go the nights she was doing something.

This was something that we always argued about when we lived together in Dublin. She has very friends left after a long term relationship she had when she was younger and she's not that close to her family, so she's become very dependant on me. I'd understand if I was out on the rip all the time but I see my friends maybe 4 times a year tops, compared to weekly booze ups when i was single.

It's becoming really frustrating for me because I'm honestly trying my best but i'm beginning to wonder is she the right woman for me. we're both in our 30s and we should be thinking about marriage. I look at other couples and they're perfectly happy with having seperate interests outside of their loved ones and wonder should I go in search of that.

I guess i'd like to know is anyone in a similar situation and if so could they recommend a course of action as I'm running out of ideas.

Thanks

Storm_rages

Hi op,

just wanted to see if i get this right. She has yoga classes 2/3 times a week and one on Saturday (you got her the classes) and while she does this you do sports.. so that leaves you together two night a week and one full day Sunday..


I guess it depends if you use this time together (go out on "dates") or if you are just so tired from all the sport you become a couch potato .. (nothing wrong with being a potato at all but sometimes it can be annoying if you have waited all week to see you loved one and he is being a potato...)

LegacyUser

Storm_rages wrote: »

Hi op,

just wanted to see if i get this right. She has yoga classes 2/3 times a week and one on Saturday (you got her the classes) and while she does this you do sports.. so that leaves you together two night a week and one full day Sunday..


I guess it depends if you use this time together (go out on "dates") or if you are just so tired from all the sport you become a couch potato .. (nothing wrong with being a potato at all but sometimes it can be annoying if you have waited all week to see you loved one and he is being a potato...)

You're spot on but would disagree with the couch potato thing, during the week we usually sit and chill out. Then Sat night we either head out or cook something and stay in. Sunday we always do something like go to the cinema.

And the nights during the week we're doing something we still have from 9pm or so toghether.

COH

I had a similar situation with an ex. She was pretty reliant on me as she had few friends at the time and felt that my joining a gym was time not spent with her etc. My argument was that I'd be going while she was busy anyway so what difference did it make?? She didn't get my side at all! After some pointless arguments I went ahead and joined anyway, everyone needs to pursue their interests whether in a relationship or not. Long story short it didnt effect the relationship one bit, in fact the opposite happened as she wasn't complaining at all when I got into better shape

MagicMarker

Has she told you exactly why she has a problem with this? Because i can't see what she has to complain about.

Anyway, that's really neither here nor there, if you want to join the gym then do so. Nuff said.

St Bill

She might have insecurities about the relationship. Talk to her and ask her why she flipped out when you talked about joining a gym. Explain to her that although you love spending time with her (and will continue to do so) you would like to carry on with your own interests.
You have been very thoughtful and considerate about her feelings so far, so I can't really see how she can get angry with you for wanting to join a gym

Storm_rages

well if you do join the gym are you planning on going on the other evenings? meaning you would be out every night?

it really could be worse... she might not care you are out all the time!!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your input guys

Ah the gym isn't really the point it's more the fact she has an issue every time I try to pursue an interest other than her.

Maybe I am reading too much into it, I'm just gonna go ahead and do it and she can deal with it!

AckwelFoley

Hi OP.

I feel your pain.

Here is a sexist fact that im happy to stand over - women nagg, all of them.. its in their genetic makeup from when we used to live in caves, the women used to nagg as a survival instinct to keep the male on edge, grumpy and short on sleep, so that when a bear or a lion would come into the cave at night the male would be riled up enough to beat it to death with his bare hands.


I think you need to find out what really is the problem, what shes bothered about is probably deeper than just simply you what you are doing, perhaps shes unhappy with the move or the relationship?

dan_d

I'm the other side of that story!!My boyfriend's got no brothers or sisters, and has a couple of VERY full-time hobbies, with loads of friends through them. Well....as in, in the summer he was out Tuesday nights til after 10 and most saturdays, and some Sunday afternoons, not counting the odd Thursday evening aswell. The Saturdays have stopped now, but a couple of weeks ago I heard from a friend(male)that my bf had agreed to spend a day doing a sport they are both a bit into, that Saturday.
I completely lost the plot!And he totally did not understand. Thing was, i knew the problem was mine, and that it was completely irrational. There was nothing in particualr that I wanted him for that Saturday, just something about it really annoyed me. REALLY annoyed me.I said all of this to him, and he was a bit speechless, but I got over it, and that was it.
Look it's woman's perrogative to get irrationally annoyed.She''l get over it though.

RentDayBlues

OP, she is being very unreasonable here, you gave up one of your interests to help the relationship and now that you want to do something on the nights she's out anyway, she's throwing a strop??

Some girls are high maintenance and need constant attention - its a pity but a fact.

You need to tell her that you are joining the gym and you will go on the nights she's doing something. If she really has a problem with this, then I would advice to look a little deeper. You cant spend all your time with her, its not your fault she doesnt have a large circle of friends and you should not be punished for this.

If you take a stand on this, she will be fine - it sounds like attention seeking. One other option if she really wants to spend so much time together is for you both to join - see how that idea foes down

PurpleBerry

snyper wrote: »

women nag

I'm going to throw a contraversial opinion out there. Perhaps if you do something the first time you're asked, no-one (male or female) will have to ask you a second time.

Davei141

Neesa wrote: »

I'm going to throw a contraversial opinion out there. Perhaps if you do something the first time you're asked, no-one (male or female) will have to ask you a second time.

So do everything your told basically? right.

TripleAce

Neesa wrote: »

I'm going to throw a contraversial opinion out there. Perhaps if you do something the first time you're asked, no-one (male or female) will have to ask you a second time.

Perhaps if women understood that “No” means “No” the first time they are told, then they would need to ask again and men wouldn’t accuse them of nagging.

Storm_rages

now maybe i got the wrong end of the stick but i think he is talking about going to the gym as extra nights .. so he would normally be out 3-4 nights a week and now wants to go to the gym as well..

if that is the case then i can understand why she would be upset..

if its the case that you want to go to the gym when she is out of the house anyway then i can't see why she would care ...

shellyboo

I'm reading this as the OP being out of the house golfing on Saturdays only. If that's the case, it's unrealistic of her to expect you to be there for her 24/7 while it's ok for her to have her gym and yoga time.

What I would do is join the gym but make a really concerted effort to show her that it's not going to impact on your time together. Tell her you're only going to go when she's busy, and stick to that. What about joining the same gym as her and going together?? She'd be at yoga, you'd be at the gym at the same time...

McGinty

Hi Op

Your girlfriend sounds like she suffers from the odd bout of neediness, and really there is nothing you can do other than go ahead and do what pleases you, she will either adjust or lose you, but in essence you have no choice other than to be true to yourself.

PurpleBerry

Some people around here need a good strong dose of salt.

Gibbins123

Hopefully she will make friends soon.

Maybe, as a bit of a compromise, give her a couple more months to make some friends, then join a gym.

I knew a couple and the husband worked all day and the wife stayed home to mind the kids. Then about 3 nights a week the husband did a second job (which he didn't get paid for) about 2 or 3 evenings a weeks. Needless to say they argued about it!

You could even go gym for an hour after work. you'd only be home an hour later than usual. Or ask her if she'd like to go with you!!

Thoie

I have no idea why this thought has sprung into my head, as it's not mentioned anywhere, but I wonder is housework involved in this anywhere? Is it possible that the problem is not the gym, but the fact that she might have been vaguely hoping that you might do some housework those evenings? I'm not by any means saying that you don't do your fair share, but I just can't think of any other reason why she'd want you to be at home while she's out. Maybe she's secretly hoping that she'll get back from yoga and find a nice dinner cooked for her, or all the vacuuming done or something?

She Devil

I hate being on my own in Dublin, i don't have many friends up here, so when my boyfr goes off doing stuff with some of his mates, I am so jealous. He brought up a new hobby the other day and i was like AAAAAAAH i dont think so!!! But he works shift work aswell so its not fair :O
I nag to,but i know he loves it!
but OP i will let ya in on a secret if he put his foot down, i'd listen,he just doesnt.

Nevyn

Neesa
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Redpunto

Ok from what i see it there could be a few reasons shes pissed off, one being the fact that you are actively seeking things to do without her. Maybe she would like you to make and effort and find a hobby that you both could do. May be shes pissed off that you didnt decide to ask her if shed like to join too??

Maybe she has ideas of what a relationship should be and that you should both be together for most of the evenings during the week.

Maybe shes worried down the line if you have kids, are you still going to be going out most evenings and leaving her at home. Maybe she just misses you and thinks that you dont enjoy spending time with her.

You need to sit her down and ask her what would make her happy without turning it into an argument.

I understand you still need to pursue your own goals but truth is youre in a relationship now and if you want it to work youll have to compromise (and her too) - if shes not willing to compromise maybe shes slightly paranoid about what youre up to when youre out and about (like all those scantilly clad women in the gym with their leotards on!!).

BAM!

I think she is being unreasonable OP. If you are planning on going to the gym when she is at yoga/the gym then that still leaves the same amounts of nights free for ye to spend together, so I don't see the issue here. It really annoys me that some people in relationships really resent their partners for having alot of friends/interests, especially if they have lost contact with their friends because they want to spend all their time with their OHs. I would not be able to only see my friends 4 times a year, and I am in a five year relationship!

She might be insecure and dependant because she's lost her friends but that's her fault and you shouldn't have to give up your friends/social time because of this. I understand it's hard for her, especially now being out in the country, but I really think you should put your foot down here. You can't be with her all the time: both of ye need time apart, away from each other, either spent with friends or at the gym, in order for this relationship to work (like most relationships). My 2c anyway. Hope it works out OP.

BAM!

Gibbins123 wrote: »

Hopefully she will make friends soon.

Maybe, as a bit of a compromise, give her a couple more months to make some friends, then join a gym.

I knew a couple and the husband worked all day and the wife stayed home to mind the kids. Then about 3 nights a week the husband did a second job (which he didn't get paid for) about 2 or 3 evenings a weeks. Needless to say they argued about it!

You could even go gym for an hour after work. you'd only be home an hour later than usual. Or ask her if she'd like to go with you!!

Why should he? He has already given up stuff for her, he needs to do things on his own and shouldn't have to ask permission. She can't stop him from doing all of his hobbies!

AckwelFoley

Neesa wrote: »

I'm going to throw a contraversial opinion out there. Perhaps if you do something the first time you're asked, no-one (male or female) will have to ask you a second time.

Taking orders are for children and animals.

Couples work together and there can be a limit to what one man can do.

I'm more worried about the only seeing your friends 4 times a year.
Completely unhealthy imo, I can't see how a relationship can be satisfying if it needlessly limits other aspects of your happiness.

scary_tractors

It sounds like your gf is quite needy. Speaking as a former needy gf, I can sympathise with her, but she needs to toughen up. I moved away from my bf to do long distance in order to grow out of it, because I knew we would get into a bad pattern and I'd end up totally dependent on him.

If ye are planning on living in the country long term, she needs to start branching out and making her own friends. Otherwise the relationship cannot work.

the_syco

Moonbaby wrote: »

I'm more worried about the only seeing your friends 4 times a year.
Completely unhealthy imo, I can't see how a relationship can be satisfying if it needlessly limits other aspects of your happiness.

2nd this.

=-=

OP: bring her to the gym. It'll be one of those "couply" things you can do. It'll also keep her fit:D:cool: