How do I react to this.

LegacyUser

So last night my boyfriend of almost 10 years broke up with me during a row. He said he was not able to pretend to be happy anymore. He claimed to be thinking about it for months and the row was the last straw. Fair enough. I'm pretty distraught, and trying my best to keep the hysterics to myself. It wouldn't be fair on either of us to try Guilt him into changing his mind by bawling like a fool. I have a few thoughts that might be worth getting out and help me clear my head.

We're not too long engaged, I wonder if that made him think about what he actually wants and he realised it's not me.

He's saying that we are two different people. This is true.

He's sick of rowing - we don't row that much at all, but lately there seemed to be an athmosphere of trying to not annoy each other. I feel like he's been very very selfish lately, but did not say anything until last night. This is what the row was about. I've been walking on eggshells around him for the past two weeks or so.

I'm so scared, we're together so long that all of my friends are his friends & partners. I have seen it happen before when couples break up. The girlfriends becomes the "ex". No real friendships really, just drinking buddies. I'm going to be totally alone. Totally.

Little things that are coming up, like a hospital appointment, for nothing serious, are really upsetting me.

We own a house, that we can't sell, we shared the bed last night when all I wanted to do was to be alone so I could cry. He's talking about moving out, on one hand I want him to go now so I can start to cope, on the other hand, if he goes it will be definate. How do we do this, we can't afford to pay rent on a place and half a mortgage each. I don't want to move out, I love my house.

Part of me thinks he's angry because we were fighting, the other part of me almost hopes he's serious. I'm very confused about that last bit.

So any advice from people recently out of a long term relationship, how best to act now?

Thanks.

StormWarrior

As far as your joint assets go, contact citizen's advice. As far as your relationship goes, maybe one of you should move out to stay with a friend or relative while the house gets sorted out.

not yet

Sit down, tell him how you feel and what you really want, if you get nothing back, leave.

AngryBadger

You need to determine exactly what you feel yourself before making any decisions. From your post you seem to be very much of two minds right now.

You can't force a relationships to work, (and I realise that you're not doing this), in the end if you do it will make things worse, and you'll wind up hating each other.

If you think you want to try and make things work, then talk to him, it seems odd that he would suddenly have this problem with your relationship, but as you say maybe the recent engagement set off alarm bells in his head.

LegacyUser

I think you'll just have to bite the bullet and
split the house 50-50. It doesn't sound good
I'm afraid.

Craft25

how to react? wrote: »

I have a few thoughts that might be worth getting out and help me clear my head.


He's saying that we are two different people. This is true.


Part of me thinks he's angry because we were fighting, the other part of me almost hopes he's serious. I'm very confused about that last bit.

You know the thing you said about having only shared friends(i think thats what u meant!).. it seems like you really need to talk this thing through with someone who's totally on your side.. your friend or family.. if not then a counsellor..

It is possible that you brought about the two weeks of eggshells yourself to bring things to a head... (just a suggestion)... I dont mean that you nessecarily wanted to end the relationship.. with getting so close to actually sealing the deal after 10 years, the two of you needed some sort of focus on how big of a deal marriage actually is..forever and ever, rest of your lives, through thick and thin!!(and all that implies).. so by this split happening the two of you are forced to look at everything alot more seriously

whatever you do dont give up on 10 years without a fight.. some serious introspection.. and serious focus on communication...

If you think you are distrought now.. try and think how you will feel in 3/6/18 months if you have given up on everything

it sounds like you need to tease out your thoughts and feelings for yourself.. and vocalising them will help you do that

G&T

The recent engagement may have made your
oh look at your relationship very closely.

I have seen it before,the person who has
doubt's throws a load of crap/bad behaviour
at their oh to test their committment to them.

Write him a note,explain that if it's over
then you respect his decision(can't make him want you)
but you feel ye are giving up too easily and
want to find a mediator to help in the make-up or break-up.
Then what ever happens ye will have tried everything.

carlybabe1

What about relationship guidance counselling? If you can talk to him without getting too upset (easier said I know) and ask him if there is any chance he could give it another try, just to be sure. Ten years is along time to throw away, its not impossible he may have beeen just angry and it escalated from there, maybe he felt pressurised into proposing and is resenting you for that?? Hope this may help a bit OP I feel for you

LegacyUser

how to react? wrote: »

I'm so scared, we're together so long that all of my friends are his friends & partners. I have seen it happen before when couples break up. The girlfriends becomes the "ex". No real friendships really, just drinking buddies. I'm going to be totally alone. Totally.

I sort of got myself into a similar situation. It sucks at the start but over time your life moves on, you reconnect with your old friends, make new ones. Requires a bit off effort. I'm not going to say it was fun but it's not permanent. Hope that helps.

Oryx

This only happened last night, so take a deep breath and stop for a minute. You dont have to sort everything out today, even though I know your mind is doing cartwheels with all the problems a breakup will bring. You make the point that on some level you hope he is serious. If this break is giving you relief in some way, well, hold on to that. Because it shows that at the very least you need time away from him to work out your own feelings about whether you want to be with him.

Give yourself time to think and absorb all this. Do talk to someone (in real life, not just here) a relative, parent, whoever. It helps to just vent it all out.

Regardless of how big a mess it all looks now, the details, financial and living arrangements, will sort themselves out. As will the friendships. You are not an island and you will find people to hang with again. Just dont stress about it today. And dont make it a reason to attempt to patch up a relationship that isnt working.

If you need space, then ask your ex to please find somewhere else to stay, as soon as he can. This week, if possible. Then lick your wounds and let it all sink in before tackling any of the other problems. Then when youve both had time, you can sit and talk about how to sort the house (who moves, whether you sell, buy one person out, rent it out, take a lodger in, there are many options). Who knows, you may not even stay apart, but dont walk on eggshells with him, youre past that. Be brutally honest and allow him to be as well, about what you do next.

lushballs

Not a good idea to be sharing the bed while this is going down. Mixed messages. You need your space to deal with the shock and disbelief. Part of you will want him out of the bed and part of you will want him to stay thinking it might represent a chance to get together.
Sounds like he has been hiding his feelings from you which means he is ahead of the game ie he is ready to move on while you are coping with the shock.
Could there be someone else involved?
If he is not communicating it makes the process of ending very painful for you, but you can't force him to talk. You both need space to integrate what has happened and to deal with strong feelings of multiple losses.
You will find that most mutual friends do not want to get involved so will come across as being unupportive. Use your own personal supports, people who will support you.
Mind yourself becasue 'this is going to hurt like hell'.

The Sweeper

Your relationship and your living arrangements are two different things. You don't stay in a relationship you're miserable in because you don't want to move house.

Separate your joint assets from your emotions and deal with them separately.

IanCurtis

I went through something similar to this recently. I say "went through", but that's not the case as I'm still going through it.

No one here can give you advice really. You can temporarily sort it out with your bf, patch things up, but it may fall apart at a later stage...you need to try everything. It kinda sounds to me like it's at that stage already.

This breakup won't register with you for a long long time....maybe 3 or 4 months, but in the meantime you need to sort out the house and your wellbeing.

Don't sell it...rent out your half or get him to rent out his. I paid my ex's half for 6 months which worked out ok, bar the going to bed alone to the same bed, but it was ok. It gave me a chance to get things sorted in my head. Try and be clever and strong at this point - like a previous poster has said, my ex knew well before me it was gonna happen and was prepared for a financial fight....an awful thought I know, but one you must be aware of. His family and friends will be behind him now and you will be at a loss. I feel for you, but you can't grieve until this is sorted.

Really I never BEGAN to move on until the house was sorted out and I expect you will be in the same boat.

Get it settled one way or another and then lick your wounds. Your true friends will be around you and you try to be positive. Days will come up and bite you when you least expect it, but treat it as a challenge to your character and forgive yourself for being weak at times. Treat yourself too, as you deserve it more than you think. There's no point me saying forget about your ex cos you won't, but try not to look back with rose-tinted glasses...he's not a bollocks as everyone will make out, but he's not right for you and he never was. You got lucky being let off before kids etc. You won't think this for a long time, but you will.

PM me by all means if you're caught unawares with pain, but know this....it's not forever and if handled right, may just be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I.C.