tempted to have an affair

LegacyUser

Here is goes... for a couple of weeks I have been contemplating to get help and advice about what i have done. (rationalising?)
My 6yr relationship with my BF is falling into routines and boredom.His personalilty evolves in routines.I wasn't bothered when I was so involved with my career.Now, I have toned down to spend more quality time (since he asked for it). I love him with all the right reason.

I am very independent.Attention? yes, I am longing for a bit of it now,somehow I still want to feel attractive and wanted. He gives me compliments in "baby talk-ish" way and not like a man to a woman. I told him, but he falls right back to it.
Once i attracted an admirer and i jumped ship to flirting because it felt thrilling and different from ol' routine.I felt a woman not a a baby girl.I have met this friend/admirer more than twice and I felt complicated? getting attached? comparing? No sexual happened but its getting inevitable.Told him to end this before it gets too difficlut to deal.He said as long as we are enjoying and nobody knows... nobody will get hurt. Now c'mmon, me being smart shouldnt believe this, right? but because he is filling this emptiness (boredom) it sounds logical to me. Stupid me!
Believe me, I tried reaching to my other friends -seems scarce these days- and I cant confide to my closest because she might say it to my BF.
This only day 4, not communicating with this admirer. And I'm struggling and tempted to have an affair. I want to deal with soon before its too late...HELP?

chickenhawk

If you are not happy with your boyfriend talk to him and tell him what you feel is wrong with the situation. If that doesn't work then leave. How will cheating help? You'll only have to keep doing it to get the feeling you want.

AARRRGH

Cheating is selfish - don't do it.

Talk to your boyfriend about "fixing" your relationship. If that doesn't work you need to break up.

Don't be a coward by seeking excitement through cheating.

Gary ITR

Don't do it... Either finish with your boyfriend and get with the admirer or cut all contact witht the admirer. If the biggest problems you have with your boyfriend is the way he compliments you then your relationship can't be all bad.

Just remember the grass is always greener on the other side

beth-lou

If you love you boyfriend do not have an affair.
Talk to him. Tell him you don't want to be talked to in baby talk.
Ask him for the attention you crave.

And don't fool yourself that nobody will get hurt.
Everyone will get hurt, including you. This things always come out one way or the other and you will have let both your boyfriend and yourself down.

If you really want to pursue this other guy, then finish it with your boyfriend.
It's the least you owe him after six years. You can't have it all. Well you can, but not for long and not without hurting your boyfriend.

Beruthiel

bugsme wrote: »

I'm struggling and tempted to have an affair.

It comes down to this, you have two choices:

If you wish to stay with your b/f, then talk to him, explain what's going on in your head and work towards sorting it.
Or,
Finish with your b/f.
Then you can have a relationship with who ever you wish.

milkerman

You are in a BF/GF relationship, not marriage. BF/GF relationships fall apart every day of the week sadly and I think yours is one of the casualties. If there are no kids involved you should try to be honest with the guy and just make a clean break. If there are kids it becomes more complex.
TBH I think your trying to justify having an affair will result in your being ripped apart on this forum, but I am not going to do that.
I have always found honesty with your partner to be the best way forward - even if it means breaking up.

MagicMarker

Bear in mind, this other guy most likely only wants to bang your brains out and will not be there when things go sour with your boyfriend. Otherwise, he'd be trying to persuade you to choose him instead.

How would you feel if your boyfriend cheated on you? I'd say you'd be pretty hurt wouldn't you? Now, assuming you do actually love your boyfriend do you really want to inflict that kind of hurt on him?

Time to start acting like a grown up, relationships have to be worked on, and the first moment of duress you want to run into the arms of another man? Why not sit down with your boyfriend and explain in detail what you want to change and make sure it's known that changing for a couple of weeks and then slipping back into the same routine just will not do. If after this things still don't improve, then you can go your separate ways in the knowledge that you tried, and not acted like a coward and ran away into another mans bed.

Dragan

Time to be honest with yourself and your fella and think about moving on.

Chat to him, see what he says.

ergonomics

bugsme wrote: »

And I'm struggling and tempted to have an affair.

Very simple question, do you love your boyfriend? If yes, then work on it. If no, leave him before you break his heart. If yes but... then you're just looking for an excuse to have an affair.

By the way, what you're currently doing, the flirting and hoping no one finds about it, is just as bad as a full blown affair in my books. It's an emotional affair.

jellie

either break up with him, or be with the new guy. if you have any sort of decency in you, dont have an affair. breaking up is tough enough when you love someone, being cheated on makes the pain a million times worse.

(unfortunately, speaking for experience)

Poloman

My fiance had an affair years ago and believe me its the worst thing that you could ever do to a person. We broke up, I put on weight, hid in my room as I was ashamed. You will break him because believe me the truth always comes out eventually no matter how careful you think you are.

Eventually i copped on i had done nothing

For the love of God dont have an affair. If you want to leave him then do and then shag who you want but dont go behind his back doing that. Its the lowest thing you could ever do a person let alone someone you love so cop on and end it with one of them. Full stop.

And.. relationships do get boring after a logn time. thats a fact of life. try having a date night once a week where ye do something together and different. Even every two weeks or once a month. That will help.

star-pants

Lots of good points given to you here OP

-don't cheat/have an affair
-take this time to think about how you feel - is it your boyfriend you truly want to be with?
-talk to your boyfriend about your relationship if you do love him
-don't hurt him for the sake of a few compliments off a guy who may or may not be interested in you when you're single

Sugar Drunk

dont be so selfish as to have an affair. Your boyfriend doesnt deserve that especially after 6 years together.

Your not happy at the moment thats clear. What efforts have you made to rectify the problems with your BF - have you spoken to him about this?
You need to decide wether you want to try fix this problem or if your done. If you done have enough respect for your BF to finish with him before going near anyone else. If your prepared to work at fixing things then speak to your BF and give it a go.

Doing nothing to solve your problems except have an affair is really selfish and to be honest smacks of an excuse like you are trying to justify your reasons for having an affair

Oryx

He said as long as we are enjoying and nobody knows... nobody will get hurt.

If you get emotionally involved with someone in a hidden situation, hurt is inevitable. You and/or those around you will get hurt, one way or the other. Dont kid yourself. And hell, even written down that sounds like a bs line hes feeding you.

Please dont fill a bored space in your life with this. Yeah, it will be thrilling for a while. But its based on a lie. Think how hard it will be to look your bf in the eye if you sleep with the other man. Think how hard it will be to look yourself in the eye if you let this progress.

I'm not here to preach or condemn you. Far from it. I understand how frustrating it can be to be with someone you love, who simply is not all you need them to be. But what you are considering is a stupid and temporary way to make yourself feel better. Far better to attempt to resolve the problems you are having now, by whatever means you must, whether attempting a new start with your fella, or a breakup.

If you go ahead, along with the fun, be prepared to have to deal with a host of unpleasant feelings and emotions in the months ahead. Trust me, you'll take boredom over them, any day.

Uh Oh!

Gonna speak from experience here. For me, having an affair just slowed everything down in my life, cause the guilt kept me blocking out the negatives in my relationship. The man I had affair with was a good guy too but I put him through hell cause of my guilt. And meantime I didn't deal with the reality of anything, my guilt made me put my other half on a pedastal even though I was much more alive with my lover. I'm still working it out.

On the other hand, I've known two people who've had affairs, gone off with their lovers and lived happily ever after. The trick is to make your decision soon and stick with it. Easier said than done I know but you do sound youngish - you have time to make mistakes, just try not to dither

BCD

End your relationship with the B/F! Your mind is obviously elsewhere & if you're not happy there, move on.

LegacyUser

What efforts have you made to rectify the problems with your BF - have you spoken to him about this?

Doing nothing to solve your problems except have an affair is really selfish and to be honest smacks of an excuse like you are trying to justify your reasons for having an affair

I have made efforts(gazillion times) of discussing things with him ( that's why we lasted for 6 years) fair enough he does change ( for awhile) then as I've said earlier , then,he will fall back to his old ways. I am a very patient person.
Yes I love him so much that I dont want to hurt him or both of us, tha'ts why I asked for an advise. And I'm thankful for all of it, at least now its only not my flippin brain telling this and that because at the end of the day, I end up contradicting myself??!!! arghhh
So now people telling me a different angle.... seems more real to me and I really do agree an affair is an unfair ! and will ruin my BF .... and meself.
Is there a way to strengthen my will power?

LegacyUser

BCD wrote: »

End your relationship with the B/F! Your mind is obviously elsewhere & if you're not happy there, move on.

Happy? how do you really say "im still happy with him" ? I feel PLATONIC ... we live in uncomplicated, not arguing, not exciting relationship.We still go out.
Intimacy? we do touch intimately only when we are having sex...afterwards? well, he leaves the room and Im still longin for that intimate moment.(told him that too, then goes back to his old ways)
We talk but its more like......... will u do this, or do that? (so we can work?)

Is there a way MEN can really hear what women say? I don't want to be constantly on his case, like nit picking his errors. I don't enjoy naggin' him to it, but I feel numb now waiting for things I wish he will do for this relationship.

iTS only 6 years and it feels like we ve been together like OAPs, just there for companionship.

How can I make sparks (romance/intimacy)back to our relationship?

bumblebee0207

• you said you told him what you want- but went back to his old ways

maybe try harder....get his full attention...no distractions i.e. TV

• its been 4 days without communication with your admirer

good on you!;) you are making an effort, give yourself a treat! but remember temptations can still happen, do something that will make your mind off him.
Get things weighing: Think of more of (-)things about this admirer VS (+) about your BF.Surely they shouldn't be a balance between them.

efforts are made , so talk to him lay down your cards and wait what he say and do ,to keep you relationship.
You are patient enough for 6 years, be patient enough for a longer time if you really love him and want to keep this relationship going.

LegacyUser

bottom line is your a coward...your not willing to face up to the problems in your relationship once and for all and to satisfy your own selfish needs your thinking about having an affair whiloe stringing your bf along...thats not on.

Im a man, i was there, i felt what your feeling, the difference between me and you is that i faced up to the situation and it turned out the relationship had to end...but at least I gave her the opportunity to see how i was feeling and not took the "easy" "cowardly" route by becoming a cheater.

cop on and face up to reality,what you hoping to achieve anyway? that this affair might help your relationship, are you hoping someone here will justify it?!

mirwillbeback

Beruthiel wrote: »

It comes down to this, you have two choices:

If you wish to stay with your b/f, then talk to him, explain what's going on in your head and work towards sorting it.
Or,
Finish with your b/f.
Then you can have a relationship with who ever you wish.

if this was a fella posting, the answer would more than likely be " you don't deserve to have a gf, you are scum " :rolleyes:

Oryx

OP, what is it about the other guy that makes you feel special? What is it that he does that your partner does not. And I mean specifics here. Words, actions, gestures? Is it that he listens? Wants your attention? Gives you his? Cos in reality he is not Mr Wonderful. He's just another guy who happens to be in the right place at the right wrong time, to fill the emotional and erotic void your bf does not. You need to realise what it is thats missing for you, that this other man provides, and see if you can find it within your own relationship.

What you have described with your fella is normal life for lots of people (a depressing thought perhaps, but true). Couples fall into a pattern of behaviour with each other that if they are not careful, can lead to boredom and frustration. You could add some spice to your life with another man, but if you love your bf I can only see that leading to so many emotional and guilt problems for you. If youve got to the stage where you are willing to take that risk, then it means your relationship needs, and cannot avoid, a massive shake up. You need to risk breaking up with your current man by changing and challenging the way you are with each other. It is possible to bring excitement in, and change your lifestyle, but its not easy, as both of you have to adapt and be willing.

But if you choose not to try that and find your thrills elsewhere, its like papering over the cracks. Your relationship will not improve, it will suffer even more. You cant find the happiness you want in two different places. It will just tear you apart.

Marksie

bugsme wrote: »

Happy? how do you really say "im still happy with him" ? I feel PLATONIC ... we live in uncomplicated, not arguing, not exciting relationship.We still go out.
Intimacy? we do touch intimately only when we are having sex...afterwards? well, he leaves the room and Im still longin for that intimate moment.(told him that too, then goes back to his old ways)
We talk but its more like......... will u do this, or do that? (so we can work?)

Is there a way MEN can really hear what women say? I don't want to be constantly on his case, like nit picking his errors. I don't enjoy naggin' him to it, but I feel numb now waiting for things I wish he will do for this relationship.

iTS only 6 years and it feels like we ve been together like OAPs, just there for companionship.

How can I make sparks (romance/intimacy)back to our relationship?

Right: Now this idea that men don't listen is incorrect its not gender specific. Believe you me there are women out there who don't listen and communicate effectively.

Lets say that is communication breakdown between couples and you are experiencing it. It is unfortunately not a one way street, it very rarely is.

In effect you are facilitating his behaviour by allowing it to proceed. It is up to you to do something about it and maintain it...its not nitpicking to want to do that.
i suspect you talk briefly, gloss over the issue and it still remains.

There is a saying: "if you want your lover to become and ecstatic lover, become one yourself"

After six years you should have some idea of your partners likes and dislikes and his ecstatic response. If you don't or have let it slide then again you have facilitated this.
Its not a one way street.
Intimacy is important: do you allow him to go from you ? again look to your own lack of initiative.

I would suggest tantra as a path, but first you have to rediscover how to communicate and connect and what it was all about in the first place.

Its up to you whether you have an affair or not. But you have to understand that this situation is not the sole responsibility of your boyfriend.

Wibbs

OK IMHO when a man appears not to be listening? A lot of the time he hears you, but because there's no consequence he ignores it. That's why nagging or pushing the same button will just escalate his resolve to ignore it. Then you push an ultimatum at him, like you're leaving etc and then he'll react and do something, but as you see that's only temporary. He won't change until he wants to change. He may simply not be able to change.

I've also noticed that many blokes in long termers find a status quo and are happy to stay within it. They get into a comfort zone and trying to drag them out of that can be counter productive. As someone once said; "A woman marries a man hoping he will change, while a man marries a woman hoping she never will. Both will be disappointed". There is an element to that in many long termers. The ones that survive, even the mediocre ones, do so by meeting half way. At this stage that half way point should have been reached.

Now all of that is lovely an all, but it could simple be that you're bored. Bored of the mundane and bored sexually. He's a companion at this stage. Common enough too. I have found that while some men will moan that their GF isn't as exiting or sexual as them three years into a relationship, fast forward ten years and it usually the woman doing the moaning and not in a good way.

This new guy is just that. Shiny and new. He's exiting in that newness and the potential of that newness. As others point out though, he's just a bloke, like any other. The novelty is what's giving you the wide on for him.

If you do decide to stay with your current bloke, then you'll have to accept that novelty can never be re-established. Not to the degree someone new can bring anyway. You can swing from the chandeliers, be the most intimate and sexually adventurous as you like, but unless you have or find a connection with him, long term nothing will change.

Marksie

Wibbs, i agree with some of what you say in that last post there.
But don't just say its the men...it cuts both ways. Both men and women can get complacent either together or with one facilitating the other.

While i agree to an extent with the new guy is novelty. A deeper and more intimate understaning can be achieved if both parties are willing to explore that avenue.
So from that aspect it can be like discovering a shiney new toy hidden beneath grime. So i think that the novelty can be re-discovered within the relationship

But other than that as for having an affair, novelties can wear off eventually then its onto the next shiney new toy, if the whole toy box hasn't been tipped up by that time.
You will remain with the same old communication issues OP so it really depends on you and your understanding in the end

Oryx

To echo whats being said here, about communication and novelty. A new person does have a novelty and excitement factor, this would be the case whether its an affair or a legit relationship. But if you have a tendency not to say what you need, or to voice problems as they arise, then you will fall into the same mistakes and pattern regardless of who you are with. It is something to bear in mind.

MagicMarker

It doesn't sound like you've even contemplated leaving your boyfriend. It's as if your only options are staying with him and be miserable, or cheat on him....

Leave him! If you've tried then you've tried, leaving him might be his wake up call, then again it might be what he wants and sounds like it would be best for both of you.

LegacyUser

bugsme wrote: »

Is there a way to strengthen my will power?

Any advice please? This new guy is so accesible, he communicates constantly to me. Tried deleting his contacts details etc... ignore him completely but moments i find myself weak.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advices and opinions. Points taken well. I am going to talk to my BF- how to improve our relationship. And see how it goes. I aim to be firmer this time.

For the other guy, I spoke to him and he respected my decision. We remained good friends and he will not further his pursuant. And I , will try(harder) not to communicate to him and avoid to get hooked again with his attention.

Honestly, I am really thankful to the board. Again thank you all.

this thread may close.

RubyXI

bugsme wrote: »

Any advice please? This new guy is so accesible, he communicates constantly to me. Tried deleting his contacts details etc... ignore him completely but moments i find myself weak.

It's very difficult. I understand your problem.