Girlfriend asked me if I love her

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl for about a year. Lets call her Kelly. She is the kindest sweetest girl, you'll ever meet, and I really like her. The thing is, I just don't feel like I love her. I know for a fact she loves me. She said it to me once, to which I just pretended I didn't hear her.

So, yesterday, she asks me outright. "Do you love me".

The easy thing would have been to just say "yes, I love you", but I didn't want to be dishonest, so I said "I don't know. I've never been in love before. I really like you, and I really like spending time with you."

I could tell she was dissapointed, but she didn't seem too upset, at this, but it made me think.
I'm pretty sure I'm not in love with her. I've had unrequited crushes, which I felt much more passionate about, than I do about her. Where, I couldn't stop thinking about them. With Kelly, I can go days at a time, never really missing her, same as I would good friends of mine.

That's not to say, I don't enjoy spending time with her. I really enjoy talking to her, doing stuff with her, and the sex life is great. It pains me, that I don't feel more passionate about her, in a romantic sense.

Is there any sense in continuing this relationship? I'm perfectly happy in every way, other than the kind of hollow feeling I get, when I think about my lack of love towards her.
I wish I did love her. I have a feeling I might finally realise I do love her, when we've broken up and it's too late.
However, is it fair to continue this relationship, for her? She knows now, I don't love her, but her response was "That's alright. It's only been a year". I don't want to keep her hanging on to false hope. If I don't love her after a year, is there much likelihood of love growing over time?

So what is your advice? Should I just make a clean break, even though it'll hurt?(Particularly for her. I know she'll be distraught. I was her first boyfriend, and I can see how much she loves and cares for me. It breaks my heart to think of hurting her like that.)
Or should I stick it out? We're both happy, and over time, I could grow to love her, the way she loves me.

wasper

[QUOTE=

That's not to say, I don't enjoy spending time with her. I really enjoy talking to her, doing stuff with her, and the sex life is great. It pains me, that I don't feel more passionate about her, in a romantic sense.

.[/QUOTE]

Isn't talking, doing stuff & sex counted to be spending time with her?
You are right not to give a dishonest answer. But why not just enjoy the moment together. See where that will take you. You might fall in love with her or she will fall out of love with you.

davyjose

Listen dude, if you're with her a year and you don't love her, I would say to let go. That mightn't be everyone's opinion, but here's the thing: if you don't love her and stay with her, then you're just preventing her (and yourself) from being with someone you actually might love.

Sure, it's an interesting diversion, but so is playing Golf. And yeah, it's great to have a sexual partner whom you respect etc. etc., but it's clear that this girl is looking for more than that.

But basically, go out and live life with the top down, don't settle into something you're not 100% about, because you can get trapped, stuck in a rut. And neither of you want that, I'm sure.

zuroph

what age are you?

Marksie

Notinlove? wrote: »

So, yesterday, she asks me outright. "Do you love me".

The easy thing would have been to just say "yes, I love you", but I didn't want to be dishonest, so I said "I don't know. I've never been in love before. I really like you, and I really like spending time with you."

I could tell she was dissapointed, but she didn't seem too upset, at this, but it made me think.
I'm pretty sure I'm not in love with her. I've had unrequited crushes, which I felt much more passionate about, than I do about her. Where, I couldn't stop thinking about them. With Kelly, I can go days at a time, never really missing her, same as I would good friends of mine.

Oh dear, its one of the perennial questions that get asked and get people all in a fluster. She was hoping for an answers, but at least seemed to accept what you said.

Unfortunately its seems to have put you under some self pressure and thinking about it all rather than accepting.

Well being apart is good, as is enjoying the differnces between you. Really its what you do when you are together that is important

Notinlove? wrote: »

That's not to say, I don't enjoy spending time with her. I really enjoy talking to her, doing stuff with her, and the sex life is great. It pains me, that I don't feel more passionate about her, in a romantic sense.

If the sex life is great that indicates a great deal of intimacy, there is also a lot of positives here in the fact you enjoy time together.
The idea of romantic passion is a non definable or at least non quantifyable concept. The idea of loving or in love is something that can mean different things to different people, there is no "normal". The trick is to accept what the other gives and just be natural and not get in the head about having to feel such and such a way at such and such a time

Notinlove? wrote: »

Is there any sense in continuing this relationship? I'm perfectly happy in every way, other than the kind of hollow feeling I get, when I think about my lack of love towards her.
I wish I did love her. I have a feeling I might finally realise I do love her, when we've broken up and it's too late.
However, is it fair to continue this relationship, for her? She knows now, I don't love her, but her response was "That's alright. It's only been a year". I don't want to keep her hanging on to false hope. If I don't love her after a year, is there much likelihood of love growing over time?

You are putting yourself under too much pressure here. Yes you can go with your instinct or believe you have to end this because of the notions that grow up around romantic love. Or you can live in the now and just be and see where it leads.
Alternatively you can openly talk, its obviously worrying you and its your own pressure. It will require some tact but may help you to understand each other.

Notinlove? wrote: »

So what is your advice? Should I just make a clean break, even though it'll hurt?(Particularly for her. I know she'll be distraught. I was her first boyfriend, and I can see how much she loves and cares for me. It breaks my heart to think of hurting her like that.)
Or should I stick it out? We're both happy, and over time, I could grow to love her, the way she loves me.

Now, why would you want to wreck something that seems on the face of it to be so good on the basis of worrying about what may or may not happen?

You have sowed the seeds of self doubt and its up to you to resolve them one way or another.
So giving advice on whether to continue or not is almost like taking a poll.

In the end you have to make conscious decisions based on communication and what results from that.

realtiosnhips, love and being all change with time OP. So "growing to love, the way..etc" is not something to look at. Thats future, and while the future is about expressing hopes, its not set. Being in the now is where its at, where it exists.
If you are happy now, and things are good and not drifting or complacent then why ruin it by beliveing that there is a set way?.
If however, you feel that there is no point, then be prepared for a large amount of hurt and accept the consequences of your actions. be prepared to give valid reasonings and not spurious airy fairy sound bytes... she does deserve that
In the end its your choice

Edit: its also about how you approach these things, if you wade in you are likely to completely destroy any chance of resolution should it be apparent that you made an error. Be tactful in what you do.

jellie

had you any doubts about whether you should be with her BEFORE she asked you that?

do you at all feel like youre falling in love with her?

& as someone else asked, what age are you?

for me, if i didnt feel that i was at least FALLING for someone after that amount of time i wouldnt see the point in it if it. but thats me, & everyones different. i have a friend whos been with her boyfriend nearly 2 yrs now & for at least a yr & a half of that she couldnt tell him she loved him because she wasnt sure, while he had told her after a few months. i think she has said it recently though.

everyones relationships are different. if you & your girlfriend are happy with the situation as it is then dont question it, just enjoy it.

Ann22

It's good that you're not saying it just to keep her happy, at least you're honest. I'm curious to know how old you are. If you getting to settling down age I'd understand why you're fretting a bit as you'd have to decide about rings and weddings-a good time to think about what you really want. If so ask yourself the following questions-
If she had to go away for a few months would you miss her a lot? If you love her you would without a doubt. If you did finish with her and you met her out with another fella how would you feel? If you love her it would be unbearable.Do you look forward to seeing her? Again if you love her you should, the sight of her walking down the street towards you with a big happy smile should lift your spirits. If you don't feel these things you're missing out on a lot and so is she, life's too short.
If you're still quite young you could just stay with her if you're getting on well - take each day as it comes. You'll know when you don't want to be with her anymore. She'l start to irritate you and you'll feel relieved when you have a night away from her. That's when you really need to put an end to it.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Very similar, with her for a year and a bit. Know she loves me but has not asked me the question yet. I have a terrible feeling I am procrastinating as I get on well with her - she is a lovely person and I know I will hurt her terribly if I leave her. I guess it's much easier to let it continue, but know in my concience that this is terribly unfair on her, and she would have plans (marriage, kids etc). I feel dreadfully guilty and end up buying her jewellary and holidays to assuage my guilt. I know what the right thing to do is, but can't face the loss of company and the hurt I will cause her (both equally).

LegacyUser

Thought, I'd post an update, for whoever's curious. I often wonder how PIs turned out in the end, so I'll let you know.
I took the advice, and decided to stick the relationship out, for a while. Things didn't really change.

Over Christmas, we spent over a week apart, and I realised, I barely thought about her the whole time, we were apart. I decided it was time to end it, before it got any more serious, and she got any more hurt.

I had decided I'd break up with her, next time, I'm at her house, but last week, lying in bed in my place, she confided that she thought our relationship had lost it's excitement, it's novelty (I was her first serious boyfriend) but she was still happy.
Cue, a long discussion about our relationship. I asked her if she thought we had a future. she said no. I asked her if there was much point in staying together, if there's no future. She said she didn't mind, but I told her, that she should be with someone who loves her back, like I should, and that I think it would be best for both of us if we broke up.

She was upset, but not overly so. It was a bit of an awkward time to break up, as it was too late for her to take the DART back home, so we stayed late, talking, trying to console her.

I dropped her to the train station, and we said our goodbyes, and she left. As is often the way, I felt much sadder, after the actual breakup, than during, but I still think it was the right thing. I just hope I don't start to regret it, and realise I actually did love her. I know it's going to be hard to find a girl with as nice a personality as hers, but I'll just have to do it.

Curvy Vixen

Thanks for the update OP.

I also often wonder about some of the PI's as to what the outcome was in the end so it's good to get some from a poster.

For what it's worth it seems to me that this had run it's natural course and you both got the right outcome. Sometimes there is no specific reason for a break, no fights, no affairs, no beatings, it's just...time.....

Good luck to both of you moving forward..you both sound like good decent people..

Ann22

Thanks for taking the time to update. You did the right thing, even if you did end up regretting it which I seriously doubt you will, she doesn't sound as if she was madly in love with you either, unless she was playing it cool.... So if you had stuck it out, who knows what problems and threats to your relationship lie ahead. It doesn't sound as if you have enough love glue between you to stick it out. Better to end it now than for one of you to end up being unfaithful, you 'cos you miss the passion or her 'cos she feels unloved. Best of luck:).

Salome

Hi OP, if you don't feel love now, you'll never feel it for her. You both did the right thing - now you can move on and find that passion that was lacking with someone else. Good luck!