Leaving Home and wife and son

limerick100

Please can you give me any advice

My wife and I have been having problems for years now. Little communication and no physical contact at all for last year or two. We have been married for 5 years and have a 3 year old son.

Over the years she has been very untrusting and has accused me of having an affair once or twice. I never did. Well at least not until recently.

About 2 months ago I met a girl , she is 20 through a mutual friend. We met up a few times and things happened. I was going bowling with my friends once every week but was skipping the bowling to see her.

Now I have fallen for her and want to leave my wife. I dont love her any more and dont think she will be too heartbroken. I am mostly worried about leaving my son as I dont want him to hate me. Should I just go on seeing this girl and stay pretending or should I move out now and hope the kid will understand in a few years

I dont know what to do

AngryBadger

limerick100 wrote: »

Should I just go on seeing this girl and stay pretending

I think you definitely SHOULD NOT do this. I'd also question if this new girl is really worth ending your marraige over? I'm guessing oyu're mid to late twenties? Possibly older? I think compatibility is in serious question here, and you don't really know this girl at all, 2 months is no time to get to know her particularly given that you've been doing this on the Q/T.

I'm inclined to think that if your marraige is really that bad, and you really feel you can't salvage it with counselling or whetever, then you should finish it amicably as it would be better in the long term.

however, I do not think you should be considering ending a amrraige so you can pursue a woman who is so much younger than you and whom you really know next to nothing about, and have not had sufficient time/space to properly form any kind of bond with.

In other words leave your wife if you feel the marraige is really dead, if after that you feel you want to see this 20-year old (or any other woman) then fair enough, but do it the other way around and it's likely to blow up in your face.

Dragan

I would say it's time to man up and face your responsibilities.

If your not happy then you need to sort that out, torturing yourself and your wife for the sake of your son will not help.

Talk to your wife about the possibility of seperating and go from there.

Also, you should knocked things with the other lass on the head, your a married man, be that happy or not.

You need to cop the **** on a bit there.

Wagon

I'd make the move to this new woman and speak to a solicitor. Get some perspective on this because it's very possible that your wife will want full custody over your son and blokes get virtually no rights when it comes to this sort of thing. Get as much behind you as you can. It's also unfair on the child who have parents who hate each other.

Sumire

You & your wife have invested 5 years in this relationship, as well as however long you were together before that, it seems ridculous to throw all this away for a girl you know 2 months.
I would think you owe your wife more than this, stop the affair and put some effort into saving your marraige, for instance trying counselling.
As for your son, how would you feel if your father left your mother for some 20 year old he barely knows?

pwd

midlife crisis. Dump the kid (the 20 year old one) and get a games console instead.

r3nu4l

Have yourself and your wife tried any couples counselling? What drove you (as a couple) to this point? Was there an initial driving force?

Have you both tried to discuss the problems or is this just something that happened to you both over time without any communication or effort to put it right?

I'm not asking you to answer these questions for me or anyone else but have you asked yourself. I'm giving you something to think about. Don't just give up if you both haven't already tried to put things right. Counselling might help. What have you got to lose by trying?

barbiegirl

First stop seeing the 20 year old. She is too young to know what she is getting onto and in all fairness your relationship will have very little chance of success.
Then sit down and talk to your wife, you know that word communication. Talk about the problems, try councelling give it as much effort as you have and then more. How will you explain to your child in the future that you just gave up. If this doesn't work then yes split but only after you have tried everything else.
Grow up man, face your responsibilities, re-read the vows you made to your wife, look at your child. Maybe you'll make it through, maybe you won't but at least you can look your child in the eye and say you tried and that there was no third party involved.
Just my two cents worth.

Sugar Drunk

leave rather than continue an affair behind your wifes back.
lets face it the marraige has been over a long time. Living with someone where theres no physical contact and little conversation is not a marraige its the sad remains of a relationship.

You need to make a decision - do you want to save your marraige or not? If you cant be bothered to try save it, then be honest and leave so at least you both have a chance of happieness with someone else.

TheBigFella

barbiegirl wrote: »

Then sit down and talk to your wife, you know that word communication. Talk about the problems, try councelling give it as much effort as you have and then more.......... If this doesn't work then yes split but only after you have tried everything else.
.

Very good advice.

If you left your wife for this girl without trying to make things work then finished with the 20 old shortly after, you would have no chance getting your wife back.
Sort out your problems at home first before even thinking of taking up with another woman.

The Corinthian

What attempts have you, or your wife, made to deal with your marital problems? I ask because, from your post, very little effort has been made. You're married five years and have a child, thus the onus is upon you both to exhaust all reasonable avenues to solve your marital problems.

The 20-year old is a bit of mid-life-crisis poontang that makes you feel good about yourself - that you felt the need to tell us her age is a tell that this is a bit of a catch for you. Problem is that if you did leave your wife, then she would become 'real' and not simply an abstract trophy - warts 'n all.

In short, you're in love with what she represents, not who she is.

So I'd look at a councillor for yourself and your wife and either get rid of the girl or at least bring it down a notch and dispel any romantic delusions. Personally I'd favour the former option as I don't think you have the willpower for the latter.

If you and your wife do break up, be sure that you will have made every reasonable effort to stay together. Ending a marriage, with or without children, is not the same breaking up with a boy/girlfriend.

Although, if it does happen, I suggest that you also begin salting your assets off shore three to six months before breaking up.

Mr. Incognito

I think you should treat your wife with some respect.

Sit her down and see if you can sort out your problems.

How much does the young one know? She might not be too happy about the thought of you leaving your wife- if she even knows you have one. She might just be having a fling. Settle down at 20- with a married chap with a kid-

yeah- every girls dream scenario.

Grow up mate and stop being so selfish.

seamus

I'd echo what everyone else says.

You are not in love with this other girl. As Corinthian says, you are in love with what she represents. In fact, it may be the excitement of this illicit affair which drives you towards continuing it. Once it stops being an illicit affair and turns into a relationship it's likely to be less fun, and before you know it you both find out that you're very different people at very different stages in your life and she fecks off with the next man to take her fancy.

And where does that leave you?

Even if you think that leaving your wife is a good idea, than it's best to do that with a clear head, and not with the promise of 20 year old nookie at the end of it.

Forget about the other woman and talk to your wife. Having "little communication" is not a reason to end a marriage. Especially one with a child in it. All couples have their problems, all couples have their black spots, some of these can go on for months and years if either party fails to address them. A bump in the road is no reason to bail out.

On a more practical level, if you leave your wife, then you have little authority in the way of access to your child. You will also be tied into whatever financial debts you and your wife accrued, and you don't have the right to sell out of them - i.e. you cannot sell your house without your wife's agreement, and she has no obligation to buy you out.

LegacyUser

First of all I have to offer you my greates sympathy, your head and your heart must be in shreds! It is a terrible situation to find yourself in when your marraige has become dead, sometimes through no fault of your own, and all the counselling in the world doesn't appear to help it. I found myself in a similar situation so I fully understand.

However, slow down a little here and don't rush things. You say you have a three year old son, married for 5 years and have had problems for years now! Well, if you do the maths on this something is telling me things have not been right since the birth of your son. There is a strong possibility that your wife is suffering from post natal depression. If she is suffering from this there is every possibility that with treatment you will get her back to who she was. Now given a choice....the woman you married with all the affection she had for you at the time or this young girl you're seeing...I'm sure you'd pick your wife.

Don't give up on her so easily, I know it's been tough (I went through 6 years of it) but if the loss of affection and love is the result of her pregnancy then you have an equal share in being responsible for it and should get involved in helping her recover (that's if she has post natal depression!). I'd suggest you go to her GP and discuss things with him/her as your wife may very easily be hiding a condition. My wife hid her depression for over a year as our relationship fell apart. Our relationship never recovered but I owed it to her not to go chasing young ones and instead took it upon myself to be there for her.

You're not a bad man but jumping ship without understanding what is wrong is a very silly decision to make. You owe it to your son and your wife to seek some form of professional help as a couple.

Best of luck in making the correct decision.

primastar

I sympathise with both of ye, my wife left me over an affair she had with my bro in law, it got found out and she felt like she could not come back from it. It was all over in no time, her whole family turned against her and she now is regretting all of it, i dont want her back as i feel i cant trust her anymore, its depressing, but all i will say is go to couple councilling and try a sex therapist. God knows it myt work some bit, dont give up on your family man, it meant something once, just try..

EamonnKeane

pwd wrote: »

midlife crisis. Dump the kid (the 20 year old one) and get a games console instead.

Help or leave. Mods, no-one would get away with speaking to a woman in such a fashion.