sexual morals

LegacyUser

wonder what people think. i am having real difficulty understanding why people seem to sleep with other people so easily nowadays. for me it was alway a major thing. i split up with my girlfriend a while ago. then she told me that she had slept with someone while we were apart. i can t understand why she did this. we were only apart a few weeks, why did she sleep with someone she barely knew or someone she did not want to go out with. she had broken it off with me. now she wants to get back and she tells me i should be happy because she has chosen me. confused does not adequately describe how i feel!!

SarahJ

Seems like something she had to get out of her system to be sure about you. To be honest, I don't see anything hugely wrong with this. She could have done it when she was still with you, so I suppose its good that she broke up with you. Its just down to you know whether you want to take her back.
You could ask people about their morals, but at the end of the day, everyone is going to be different.

homerun_homer

Horrible thing to hear and something you'd rather be oblivious to. I only heard once that my ex had drunkenly kissed a guy a week after we split and I was devastated.
Thing is, if you still love her and want her then take her back. She didn't technically cheat, though it may feel like it. If you can't get over it then let her go.

james123

from reading your post i can see this being a major issue in the relationship if you got back together i would like to see her reaction if you broke up with her slept with someone then told her to be happy because you choose her. She sounds very shellfish i personally would not stand for it and move on. i was in a similar situation i stayed and was the worst mistake of my life!!

Mr. Incognito

So you should be GRATEFUL that she broke up with you, slept with someone else and now has decided to ALLOW you to be her boyfriend again?

Get rid of this selfish muppet. This isn't about morals, this is about self respect. If you let her away with this she will make a habit of it the next time she meets some chap she wants to sleep with.

Wagon

Yeah I'd feel the same way as yourself man. It's not a matter of "getting it out of her system". If she still wants to sleep with other blokes and have one night stands that's fine, but she shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Telling you you 'should' be happy is also pretty shyte too. She can't tell you show she should think you feel.

I'd say dump her. I don't go for one night stands myself as they are pretty pointless but it sounds to me like she'd do it again, based on what I gathered from your post. Breaking up with someone for a few weeks so that they're single and able to do what they please and then go back to their partner when "they" are happy isn't what a relationship is about. You'll also be suprised of how accepting of a person's morals or past you can be when you find someone on the same wavelength, but this definately isn't the case here. Dump this tool and let her feck around and see where it gets her. Don't hang about and chin up! :cool:

AngryBadger

It may be a major thing for you but it isn't for everyone else. In this instance I think your girlfriends only mistake was in telling you that she'd been with someone else. I don't think she's done anything wrong by actually being with someone else since ye were not a couple at the time.

This isn't really about how you view sex, this is about you not being able to deal with the fact that your gf was with someone else because you feel that cheapens whatever is/was between the two of you. You could argue this either way, that she genuinely didn't know how she felt, and now she does, and maybe she needed to be with someone else to realise that, in which case she did the right thing breaking up with you, but the wrong thing in telling you.

Or you could take the view that she's being completely selfish, knows you're a safe bet, and so is starting into a cycle of on/off with you as it suits her.

It's up to you to decide OP, you're well withing your rights to feel that the relationships isn't worth it if she can so easily go off and be with someone else, however this is something that may well arise with future partners, sex isn't always an emotional rollercoaster of commitment and mutual respect. oftentimes it's a purely physical exchange, or even just a release, and there are times when it needs to be something that it can't be with the partners we have.

None of that excuses someone cheating, but the point here is that she hasn't cheated on you, but it does raise questions about whether the relationship has the same depth for her as it seems to have (had) for you.

LegacyUser

i suppose my question is why did she sleep with him. she tells me that although they started to have sex she stopped it and he did not cum. but surely starting it was enough. does it mean she had forgotten about me in such a short space of time?

Wagon

declanodeas wrote: »

i suppose my question is why did she sleep with him. she tells me that although they started to have sex she stopped it and he did not cum. but surely starting it was enough. does it mean she had forgotten about me in such a short space of time?

Can't say she forgot about you. She probably got drunk and had second thoughts halfway through but then only you know how you'd feel about that. By the sounds of it it seems to be a dealbreaker. You can (a) take a step back yourself and take a good long look at the situation and be brutally honest with yourself and see if you can forgive her. If you cant, there's no point continuing. Or (b) stay with her if you can put this behind you, and I mean really put it behind you and not have it playing on your mind.

AckwelFoley

im generally not the best person to give advice on sexual morals, but i'l try.

I think some people are more open to a sexual encounter with a stranger than others. You may not have sex with somone you hardly know, yet others will have sex with a person without even knowing their first name (in some caseswithout even fully establishing a gender )

I knwo how you feel, its a sickening feeling, you probably feel the same now as you would if you were still going out together. You need to let go of it and realise she has moved on, there are many women out there that will hold a similar "moral" standard as yourself, and i think its best you find one of them

Chin up

nobodythere

declanodeas wrote: »

she tells me i should be happy because she has chosen me. confused does not adequately describe how i feel!!

Don't let her tell you how you should feel. Listen to your feelings.

As wagon said, only stay with her if you can put it behind you. People have different attitudes towards sex and that's ok.

davyjose

Op, it ultimately comes down to the fact that your girlfriend (and so many people on here), made a decision, and now wants to unmake that decision - undo what was done. She can't. And she can't expect you to accept what happened simply because she changed her mind.

You might think that taking her back would erase the pain you feel now and make it disappear, but it won't, it'll just make it worse. You've been hurt by her twice now; how many more times do you think she's capable of doing that?

The Sweeper

OP, there are two kinds of people in this case.

The people who can get over the fact that their partner has slept with somebody else and the people who can't.

Sometimes for the people who can't get over it, whether or not their partner was going out with them or married to them or young, free and single or it was years ago or it was yesterday, it doesn't matter. Those people just don't like to imagine their partner with someone else, ever.

Other people can never get over hearing that their partner slept with someone else since they first met, even if they were on a break. There are people who, in the 10th year of marriage would discover an infidelity by their partner that happened in year one, and they would simply never get over it.

Then there are people who would discover an infidelity the morning after it happened and, while they would be justifiably angry about it, they would strive to understand the reason for it, and just put it behind them.

You could describe it further as people for whom sex is black and white (it's either with them or it isn't with them), and people for whom it has shades of grey (was it drunk sex or sober sex? Sex with a stranger or a long-time friend or a colleague? Sex just once or sex a number of times? Sex with someone just for sex, or sex with someone you could see yourself in a relationship with? Sex with someone you'll ever speak to again, or not?)

You, OP, sounds like a black and white sort of person, and that's fine. But if you're like that, and your girlfriend is a shades of grey morality type, then best that you don't get back together with her. You'll find that what you perceive as infidelity on her part will eat away at your self esteem, and she'll probably find you a bit obsessive about it and she'll feel stifled. The next stage of that could be her cheating on you and trying to justify it to herself because she thinks you're controlling, when all that's happened is two people with different perspectives tried to make a relationship into something it wasn't.

brendansmith

SetantaL wrote: »

So you should be GRATEFUL that she broke up with you, slept with someone else and now has decided to ALLOW you to be her boyfriend again?

Get rid of this selfish muppet. This isn't about morals, this is about self respect. If you let her away with this she will make a habit of it the next time she meets some chap she wants to sleep with.

+1

Shockingly poor on her part!:eek:

StormWarrior

YOU split up with HER. She was then single and could sleep with whomever she liked! If she's not up to your moral standards then find someone else!

AARRRGH

declanodeas wrote: »

why did she sleep with someone she barely knew or someone she did not want to go out with

1. She was probably seeking to fill the void in her life caused by not being with you anymore.
2. Some people associate sex with pleasure rather than guilt/serious stuff.

Balmed Out

She broke up with you in order to get the desire of sleeping with someone else out of her system. Steer clear of her, she seems selfish and i doubt shes worth it. I cant see why shed even tell you to be honest.
Regardless of rights and wrongs its important that whoever your with should share your morals.

Homer Sexual

Sex is just sex. It's just like eating a meal, having a drink or playing games.

LegacyUser

declanodeas wrote: »

now she wants to get back and she tells me i should be happy because she has chosen me. confused does not adequately describe how i feel!!

Don't jump into her hoop. If you accept this, then you will likely escalate other things that are acceptable to you. You fight again, she goes off with someone, etc., then comes back. Don't be a wuss, she has no respect for you or the relationship.

If you want to remain in control of this or any relationship, you will have to make it known what you think is and is not acceptable. Did you sleep with someone while your were broken up briefly?

Was the break up time to think about the relationship, or was it an excuse for her to shack up quickly with another guy? Looks like she got herself laid pretty quickly and then got a bit guilty and lonely - so she runs back for emotional stability to you, while trying to get you accept her bull**** reasoning: that you should be happy she chose you. Tell her she can choose the door.

Davei141

StormWarrior wrote: »

YOU split up with HER. She was then single and could sleep with whomever she liked! If she's not up to your moral standards then find someone else!

she had broken it off with me.

Learn to read before you make yourself look like a clown in future.

G&T

Think you should move on,

sound's like this girl changes the "rules" to suit herself.

You'll be Mr. Alright for now if you go back ,imo