Formal Dance

Ave Sodalis

"Attention all students. There will be a formal school dance in two weeks. tickets are on sale in the office today."

This sent a ripple of excitement through the school. Marie leaned over to me and whispered, "What do you think? who do you wanna go with?" My eyes wandered over to Raymond sitting in the corner. He was drumming his pens against the desk, looking up to flash a grin at his friend in the front row.

Marie rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "I should of known!" she sighed. "What about you?" I asked. "Well, do you know that guy you saw on the piano in the Music room? His name's Alex! I managed to steal his mobile number of him so....," came the reply.

It was my turn to roll my eyes. Somehow Maire always seemed to get the guy she's after. I don't know how she does that!

I glanced over at Raymond again. He had finished his drumming routine and looked so bored that he was ready to fall asleep (maths always seemed to have that effect on him). I felt a smile creep onto my face as I watched him dig a hole in the bottom of the table with a ruler, completely unaware of what was happening around him.

As the day went on I found myself dreaming of the dance and it was obvious that I wasn't the only one. There were girls walking into things all over the place! The poor boys were extremely confused as groups of girls started giggling everytime they walked past.

The next day, as I was just about to tuck into a chicken and sweetcorn sandwhich, the door of the canteen opened. Everyone, as always, looked around to see who had come in. A group of boys walked in and a gaggle of girls in the corner began their usual giggle.

Everybody dropped their eyes again as they realised it wasn't anyone important, but I couldn't. At the front of the gang was Raymond. Being several inches above the rest, his brown hair was easily spotted.

As the gang turned left to their seat, Raymond kept going straight. Straight towards our table! I grabbed Marie's arm. "What?" she mumbled through a mouthful of food. I couldn't answer. Raymond was looking at me.

My mouth was dry and my heart beat so hard I thought it would bust from my chest. Marie followed my gaze and smirked. Raymond was at the table now.

"Zoe," he muttered, but I was listening so hard I could almost hear his clothes move, "Can I talk to you?" I felt my face burn up. Why do I always go red on these sorts of occasions?

"Okay!" I squeaked. Darn! Why did I squeak? Oh, I'm really making a fool of myself now. I stood up and followed Raymond out of the canteen, trying not to fall over the tables.

"Zoe, would....would you go to th..the dance with me?" Raymond asked. My jaw dropped. "Yeah!!," I gushed. Raymonds' face broke into a smile of relief, and I bounced back into Marie and almost screamed the news at her.

As two weeks drew to a close, I had everything ready. I had picked out a baby blue dress with black heels, shawl and bag. Marie had all her things aswell.

The day of the dance arrived. I left my house at one and went to Maries', as her mother was a beautician and hairdresser. After a long three hours there, I went back home to put on my dress and finish up on my nais which my mother insisted on doing.

At quarter to seven, Raymond arrived. My heart fluttered as he stepped out of limo. He was dressed in a black suit with a baby blue shirt. Then at seven we arrived at the dance.

Marie and Alex were standing at the door, so we all went in together.

Inside was stunning. Blue and black ballons floated around the room, and a pale blue light floaded the dance floor. The band were warming up for the First Dance. Couples and groups crowded around the edge.

As Raymond and I reached the floor, the band started. Raymond smiled and pulled me towards aim. I just melted on the spot. As the smell of the aftershave drifted around me, everything disappeared. The band, the other dancers and the room. I felt like it was me and him, lost in a world of our own.

When the song ended, Raymond went to get drinks. I sat down beside Marie. After explaining to her what it felt like, Marie took a deep breath and replied "Awwwwwwwwwwww!". It wasthe longest 'aw' I ever heard and at that point I made a mental note to myself never to mention it again.

At twelve o'clock, the dance ended. Raymond brought me home and walked to my door. As I turned around to say thanks, our eyes met. Just then, at that very stage, I realised that this wasn't going to be a one or two day relationship- like what Marie has- but one that would last a very long time.

The End

Ave Sodalis

Sorry about any errors like capital letters. The keyboards playing up

brianthebard

Ok its not bad, but I can see what the teacher meant about climaxes; there's one when Raymond asks her out, one at the dance and one at the end. Also perhaps there could be a bit more conflict? Like Zoe might not have found anyone for the dance and had decided not to go when she was finally asked out? Also stay away from half words like "wanna", the examiner's want to see you can write correctly, not as you would speak everyday. Apart from that it was pretty well written and flowed nicely. What else did the teacher say about it?

claire h

There are some spelling/punctuation mistakes in there - if they were in the original I can see why your teacher would be pointing out mistakes.

Ave Sodalis

Thanks. The teacher did say something like that but I couldn't understand her as she wasn't explaining it at all. On the first 'Marie' she wrote continuity and also at the 'Marie' on the line were I said she got her dress aswell! I don't understand that. She said it meant that I used the wrong name but I was on about Marie so there was no other name I could of used.

Ave Sodalis

Those spelling and punctuation errors weren't in the original but it took so long typing it the computer logged me out so it got a bit messed up.

brianthebard

sup_dude wrote: »

Thanks. The teacher did say something like that but I couldn't understand her as she wasn't explaining it at all. On the first 'Marie' she wrote continuity and also at the 'Marie' on the line were I said she got her dress aswell! I don't understand that. She said it meant that I used the wrong name but I was on about Marie so there was no other name I could of used.

Maybe with the second marie thing, she might have thought you meant Raymond? although she would have to be kind of dumb for that to be the case.

claire h

Right. Well, aside from things that look like typos, there are a couple of recurring errors which don't seem to be.

The phrase 'could of' is not correct, it's 'could have'.

When writing dialogue, any time someone new speaks, it should move to a new paragraph. If there are exclamation marks or ... at the end of dialogue, you don't need to put a comma in as well.

Apostrophes: when you're referring to something of someone's - Marie's house, Raymond's face, the apostrophe comes before the s.

'Marie' is 'Maire' at one point in the typed version - any chance that there's a similar mistake at some point in the written version that could have made your teacher think it was a continuity error?

In the second-last paragraph it's a little unclear what 'it' is - the feeling of closeness to Raymond and all that, yes, but it could have been developed a little more. And as has been said, the being asked by Raymond is sort of the climax of the story, rather than it being anything at the end.

It's a decent-ish essay for Junior Cert, but it's not spectacular. I can see that some teachers might give it an A, but others might give it a B or even a C if feeling stingy.

If your teacher isn't explaining her comments properly, keep asking until it makes sense. Maybe she isn't reading the essays thoroughly, or has overly-rigid ideas about what examiners are looking for. (It's worth bearing in mind that English teachers generally don't have a background in creative writing, so they may focus on technical issues or writing-for-exams rather than 'good storytelling'.)

Insect Overlord

Most of the tips I would give have been posted already.

Overall I think you've got a good essay here. I probably would have marked it down for a 'B' grade as well. The thing about second level English is that one can achieve very good results while maintaing a fairly low level of effort, but must work very hard to achieve the top grades. I think you did put a lot of effort into this essay, and it shows. Your teacher's point about "continuity" seems to be down to a misunderstanding on her part.

The real missing ingredient here is originality. How many times have you seen this same type of storyline on Nickelodeon-type TV shows? Or in 1980s teen movies? To stand out in the Junior Cert (and later the Leaving Cert) it's very important to show the examiner something new. Perhaps, as brianthebard suggested, you could write a similar story but with an added twist or conflict.

As an extra pointer, I'd recommend you give a brief character description when you introduce Raymond and Marie. Short stories are difficult to perfect because you have so little space to use. Try phrases that describe lots of detail in relatively few words. That way you could give the characters a little more depth. For example, "My friend Marie" says a lot more than simply "Marie".

Matt Holck

claire h wrote: »

The phrase 'could of' is not correct, it's 'could have'.

must have been audio route memory creating a single word reference

claire h wrote: »

When writing dialogue, any time someone new speaks, it should move to a new paragraph. If there are exclamation marks or ... at the end of dialogue, you don't need to put a comma in as well.

sentence punctuation marks don't sit next to each other
except in the case of quoting

claire h wrote: »

Apostrophes: when you're referring to something of someone's - Marie's house, Raymond's face, the apostrophe comes before the s.

The Apostrophes comes after the "s" in the case of plural words that end in "s"
example
word's definition / words' definitions

Matt Holck

The end seems hurried.

The exchanged glances before the dance over shadowed the dance itself.

Though what was written about the dance itself is engaging,
I don't feel any connection to Raymond.
The lack of detail at the dance between Raymond and the protagonist leaves the statement

Just then, at that very stage, I realised that this wasn't going to be a one or two day relationship- like what Marie has- but one that would last a very long time.

hollow.

Ave Sodalis

claire h wrote: »

It's a decent-ish essay for Junior Cert, but it's not spectacular. I can see that some teachers might give it an A, but others might give it a B or even a C if feeling stingy.

I appreciate constructive criticism but surely there is a huge difference in standard between an Essay worth an A and an essay worth a C.

I'm thinking what your saying is, basically, if I just concentrate on "technically perfect" essays instead of my stories I will get a higher grade on the Junior Cert. Is this the way to go?

brianthebard

Generally yes, there is a marking scheme that can be worked against, plus whether a story is good or not is subjective so doesn't really earn you that many marks.

Ave Sodalis

Aw. Okay, thanks guys.! I'll try and keep all that in mind for my next essay. I'll keep you posted on how I do!

Matt Holck

brianthebard wrote: »

plus whether a story is good or not is subjective.

not entirely

a well written story will have balance
the characters will be definite
the reader will know what's going on

brianthebard

But that's just structure, when I said story I meant the actual plot and narrative. Whether that is good or not is subjective, some people would be put off if it were a horror story even though all the things you listed above may be fine. So it is subjective.

pickarooney

To be hone, it didn't seem at all real and had a very mid-Atlantic feel to it, as though based on something you'd seen on television rather than experienced. The repeated use of precise timing give it a rather clinical feel, very much at odds with what the protagonist is meant to be experiencing - the blur of emotions, the giddiness, etc.
Also, don't simply spell-check, but re-read or get someone to re-read to pick up on errors like 'bust out of my chest', 'out of limo' and 'towards aim'.

There's some good stuff in there, stuff you'll no doubt improve if you try to 'feel' the story more and 'zwite' it less, if you know what I mean.

pickarooney

Matt Holck wrote: »

not entirely

a well written story will have balance
the characters will be definite
the reader will know what's going on

I strongly disagree. Some of the best stories, books and films are completely open to interpretation and this is often the strength of such stories.

Matt Holck

Indefinite meaning allows the reader to interpret multiple answers

brianthebard wrote: »

But that's just structure, when I said story I meant the actual plot and narrative. Whether that is good or not is subjective, some people would be put off if it were a horror story even though all the things you listed above may be fine. So it is subjective.

That is true

pickarooney

Matt Holck wrote: »

Indefinite meaning allows the reader to interpret multiple answers

Are you saying this is a bad thing?

Ave Sodalis

pickarooney wrote: »

To be hone, it didn't seem at all real and had a very mid-Atlantic feel to it, as though based on something you'd seen on television rather than experienced. The repeated use of precise timing give it a rather clinical feel, very much at odds with what the protagonist is meant to be experiencing - the blur of emotions, the giddiness, etc.
Also, don't simply spell-check, but re-read or get someone to re-read to pick up on errors like 'bust out of my chest', 'out of limo' and 'towards aim'.

At fourteen, I really don't have much experience. It was based around a friend and I interpreted how she feels about a lad and put it in the story.

'Bust out of my chest' had to be in it because that whole line was what I was given to be in the essay.!