moral dilema

AckwelFoley

My lovely girlfriend bless her patient soul has a friend, now her friend (which we will call "Mrs Cheating", as to not use her real name) - anyhow, her friend is married 2 -3 years to a guy called "Mr Poor unfortunate"
They have 2 adorable children He, is a pretty decent guy, working hard and doing very well for himself and seems from what im told loves his job, she doesnt work, build a lovely new home last year just outside town - my girlfriend tells me he is rather an abrasive man but his family and home always comes first. He is currently away for a few months, - but before he left he found out that his wife (26) was "texting" another man (i use man for want of a better word). He was devestated, he went to my gf crying and distraught.. Anyhow, he does "control" his wife with an iron fist, he doesnt let her go to night clubs and even when he is away, goes mental at the idea of her going out, - personally although this would not be how i would deal with it - as i dont believe anyone should have that control over anyone unless they are in nappies.

When he went away, it turns out that the "texting" continued and moved onto a full blown sexual affair, along with the odd use of cocaine on nights out.. She got pregnant and subsequently lost the pregnancy - the man she is doing this with is also married and always cheating on his wife, who is now also pregnant!

He "Mr Poor Bastard" is comming home soon, and doesnt know the extent of the relationship or any of what has happened, she on the other hand spent nights with this other prick while his wife is in hospital sick, and pregnant. She made half arsed attempts to end it but i knoew they were not meaningful, she claims she will "make a go of it" when he gets home, which is a load of bollocks if you ask me.

I acknowledge that the husband is not perfect but, essentially he is a good man, the other guy shes cheating with is a slimeball and if she leaves her husband for this man - he will do the same on her.

My issues are - What should my gf do? Shes friends of both of them - husband and wife, but he did confide in my gf before he left and asked her to tell him if there was anything going on.. so this leaves my gf in a difficult situation..

Then theres me, im looking at this poor guy.. working his arse off providing for his family and hes going to come home to this.. what do i do? Ive never met the guy yet - but i know the full story of this and im feeling terrible for the guy..


So what do you think?

Macha

Whatever he's done, he doesn't deserve to be cheated on. If you're not happy - just leave. Although, sometimes it's more complicated than that and if he's controlling, she may be afraid of him

Anyway - I would say don't intervene, as in your gf shouldn't go looking for him to tell him. But maybe if he comes to her, she can let him know..? That's one option. THe problem is, the husband may tell her that he'll never tell his wife how he found out but sometimes in the heat of an argument, things get said...So she has to protect herself as well.

Tricky one.

MagicMarker

Sounds like they're all perfect for each other tbh.

luckat

Have you ever considered writing a novel? Wonderful mise-en-scene there.

LEIN

That's a bit of pickle you got your self there Mr. Snyper. I think you not knowing Mr. Poor bastard should say noting to him.

Your gf and you should sit it out for a while when he gets back and see if it sorts its self out. If push comes to shove your gf will have to tell him the truth.

I would imagine all the truth will come out and he will be a very foolish man if he gets back with her.

AckwelFoley

taconnol wrote: »

THe problem is, the husband may tell her that he'll never tell his wife how he found out but sometimes in the heat of an argument, things get said...So she has to protect herself as well.

Tricky one.

exactly

i just hate to see the man being made a fool of

Cadyboo

Your gf was obviously friends with the wife first, so maybe she should just talk to her and tell her she needs to tell the husband and if she doesnt get anywhere,I would not get involved, you know, Shoot the messenger and all that!

karlr42

Take the safe option and stay out of this- to him, your his wife's friend's boyfriend, you're not directly involved.

aidan24326

snyper wrote: »

exactly

i just hate to see the man being made a fool of

I'm not condoning her cheating on him, but if he's a control freak who won't even let her go out then I'm not at all surprised she is looking for some fun while he's away. Guys like that don't deserve a wife. Though to be honest, it sounds like maybe this pair deserve each other, him the controlling bully, her the lying cheat.

Anyway I'd stay well out of it if I was you. It never pays to stick your nose into these things. Their marriage is obviously not the best but I wouldn't butt in, he's probably already suspicious of what she's up to anyway.

kraggy

1. Get her to tell him or tell him yourselves. The kids will suffer if there's crap going on and on into the future.
2. What's cocaine got to do with this?
3. I think you gave too much detail and should have ommitted that he's in the Army. Ireland's a small place.

The Sweeper

By the sound of it, it's all going to fall apart anyway. If the control freak squaddie who won't let his missus live her life and who your own girlfriend calls 'abrasive' doesn't pull his socks up, his missus will probably just wait until someone comes along who she feels can defend her from said squaddie. If that's third party horny guy, then so be it.

If I was your girlfriend, I'd get some different friends.

Beruthiel

Tell your g/f to keep out of it snyper.
As majd said, it will all fall apart of it's own accord and you're g/f will only find herself caught up in it if she gets involved.

marti101

Keep out of it your gf knows whats shes been told but doesnt know what goes on behind closed doors.Just tell her friend and her husband she cant be there for them to confide in her its to messy as they are both telling her to much.Just let them sort it out between them after all your gf wont get thanx chances are they will both end up falling out with her and they will stay together/

chickenhawk

snyper wrote: »

So what do you think?

If you were him you would like to know!

But it would be really hard to tell him. Your girlfriend would get dragged into it. But sometimes the easier thing to do might not be the best.

RoosterIllusion

I would find it hard to go out with or be friends with anyone who had friends like this.

RoosterIllusion

snyper wrote: »

Shes friends of both of them - husband and wife, but he did confide in my gf before he left and asked her to tell him if there was anything going on.. so this leaves my gf in a difficult situation..

Seriously, your girlfriend should have told him to **** off and manage his own marriage. If someone asked me to tell them if I noticed someone cheating I would tell them that it is not my responsibility as an adult or a friend to do that. If someone has to ask that then they have trust issues (whether they are justified or not) and they need to go deal with it themselves.

Your girlfriend has no obligation here. By saying nothing she is separating herself from the situation and in my opinion she should tell the guy that she is not going to spy on someone for him, however subtle.

I'm in agreement that they all sound right for eachother.

Rosita

snyper wrote: »

Anyhow, he does "control" his wife with an iron fist, he doesnt let her go to night clubs

I know when people get the 'control freak' thing into their heads all other analytical faculties seem to shut down, but if she is married and looking to go to night-clubs - irrespective of his reaction - there are obviously serious underlying problems in that set-up. Sniffing around night-clubs is no place for a married person with two kids under normal circumstsances. I can understand someone being out with friends for a night and ending up in one, but actively seeking to go is a different matter. On the face of it, it seems there may be good reasons for his apparent 'controlling' impulse.

AckwelFoley

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

I would find it hard to go out with or be friends with anyone who had friends like this.

sorry, but im one of those people that judge a person for who they are and how they treat me, NOT who or based on what their friends do.

AckwelFoley

Rosita wrote: »

I know when people get the 'control freak' thing into their heads all other analytical faculties seem to shut down, but if she is married and looking to go to night-clubs - irrespective of his reaction - there are obviously serious underlying problems in that set-up. Sniffing around night-clubs is no place for a married person with two kids under normal circumstsances. I can understand someone being out with friends for a night and ending up in one, but actively seeking to go is a different matter. On the face of it, it seems there may be good reasons for his apparent 'controlling' impulse.

well as i say - if she acts like she does when she is out when he is away isnt it any wonder hes like this

But the way i see it - if it gets to that stage where he cant trust her out on her own - well there is no relationship there. Trust is the No1 factor in a relationship, which everything else is based around.

Davei141

Your heart is in the right place but leave well alone. Not worth it.

wylo

Rosita wrote: »

I know when people get the 'control freak' thing into their heads all other analytical faculties seem to shut down, but if she is married and looking to go to night-clubs - irrespective of his reaction - there are obviously serious underlying problems in that set-up. Sniffing around night-clubs is no place for a married person with two kids under normal circumstsances. I can understand someone being out with friends for a night and ending up in one, but actively seeking to go is a different matter. On the face of it, it seems there may be good reasons for his apparent 'controlling' impulse.

:eek::eek: What??There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to regularly go to nightclubs when married, its this kind of attitude that would destroy a marriage.

Rosita

wylo wrote: »

:eek::eek: What??There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to regularly go to nightclubs when married, its this kind of attitude that would destroy a marriage.

Nonsense, nightclubs are primarily 'pulling joints' where single people go to meet other single people and if someone is married with two very young children as in this case, and looking to maintain the lifestyle of a single or 'going out' person by going to these places regularly there clearly are serious issues with the marriage, and/or massive immaturity on the part of the person in question, and/or an affair already going on.

Obviously people can claim all sorts of "I won't be controlled by anyone" human rights on the matter of attending such places and good for them, but reality always lurks in the shadows nearby.

G&T

B]Nonsense, nightclubs are primarily 'pulling joints' where single people go to meet other single people and if someone is married with two very young children as in this case, and looking to maintain the lifestyle of a single or 'going out' person by going to these places regularly there clearly are serious issues with the marriage, and/or massive immaturity on the part of the person in question, and/or an affair already going on[/I]

+1

If she wants to behave like a single person
she should have stayed that way.

A night club once in a while is ok but if
she is getting tarted up to get attention from other
men she is not behaving like someone's wife!

Best if you stay out of it,
your oh should ask her friend what she expect's her to do
if the husband ask's whats been going on.
Id be relly pissed if my friend asked me to lie for her or put
me in a similar situation.

Craft25

Minefield!!!! run away, run away from it all and dont look back - you cant tell your wife what to do but hopefully she'll feel the same...

when people try and pull you in to their drama it is only a recipe for disaster - often you'll end up getting all sorts of guff to deal with, while it washes off original 'warring' factions backs, like water off a ducks arse..

its just some peoples buzz creating drama and drawing people in, steer well clear

Jack B. Badd

snyper wrote: »

My issues are - What should my gf do? Shes friends of both of them - husband and wife, but he did confide in my gf before he left and asked her to tell him if there was anything going on.. so this leaves my gf in a difficult situation..

Then theres me, im looking at this poor guy.. working his arse off providing for his family and hes going to come home to this.. what do i do? Ive never met the guy yet - but i know the full story of this and im feeling terrible for the guy..


So what do you think?

Don't get involved - this applies to both you and your girlfriend. It's not your problem and if you get involved you will, more than likely, get a kick in the teeth for your troubles.

Macha

Rosita wrote: »

Nonsense, nightclubs are primarily 'pulling joints' where single people go to meet other single people and if someone is married with two very young children as in this case, and looking to maintain the lifestyle of a single or 'going out' person by going to these places regularly there clearly are serious issues with the marriage, and/or massive immaturity on the part of the person in question, and/or an affair already going on.

Obviously people can claim all sorts of "I won't be controlled by anyone" human rights on the matter of attending such places and good for them, but reality always lurks in the shadows nearby.

That is utter rubbish. According to your logic, any partner that goes to a nightclub has a failing marriage and/or is having an affair. Her going to these places is possibly a backlash against his controlling nature but you know what, it might just be the case that she likes dancing. Crazy, I know.

But that really isn't the issue. Snyper, what it comes down to is that she could get into an awful mess trying to help and even if nothing goes wrong, she still won't be thanked for her efforts. Stay well away is my advice.

Rosita

taconnol wrote: »

That is utter rubbish. According to your logic, any partner that goes to a nightclub has a failing marriage and/or is having an affair. Her going to these places is possibly a backlash against his controlling nature but you know what, it might just be the case that she likes dancing. Crazy, I know.

She likes dancing?! Yes, crazy is right. If it was as simple as that she could throw on the CD players at home and have a dance around the floor to her heart's content without any of the attendant hassle or cost of going out.

As for your interpretation of my logic, it would help if you actually read my posts first. I never said "any partner that goes to a nightclub has a failing marriage and/or is having an affair". That is your, inaccurate, paraphrase.

What I am saying is that most married people who have two young kids would not be in a position to go to night-clubs regularly as this lady seems to do if they had any real regard for their responsibilities. At least not people on planet earth anyway. If they attempting to do so regularly and maintaining the lifestyle fo a single/availabel person it is not outrgaeous to suggest that there probably is something amiss somewhere along the line and that as I wrote earlier - but seems to have by-passed your attention - could also be down to sheer immaturity.

If a married person goes out with friends once in a while and wants to let the hair down and ends up in a night-club so what? You are the only one talking about "any partner that goes to a nightclub has a failing marriage and/or is having an affair".

The specifics of this thread suggest that this is quite a different matter entirely. This is a person who has already become pregnant by a man other than her husband so it is just possible that she is frequenting night-clubs do so something other than shake her booty to the Birdie song. Only someone in la-la land could not consider this possibility.

davyjose

Anonymous Letter FTW!!!

AckwelFoley

wow..last night.. its gone from bad to worse now. :rolleyes:

i wont even bother with the details.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

I can say this... Mind your own business... Unless these people are family, and even at thgat you should think very careful about it, stay the hell out of it. No matter how much you might think you know what is going on, I can guarantee you that you don't While knowing some facts (or some rumors) you will not know every detail of this situation.

I understand your concern for "Mr poor unfortunate" but if I have learned one thing about this type of situation... STAY OUT OF IT

AckwelFoley

Alden Gentle Gunslinger wrote: »

I can say this... Mind your own business... Unless these people are family, and even at thgat you should think very careful about it, stay the hell out of it. No matter how much you might think you know what is going on, I can guarantee you that you don't While knowing some facts (or some rumors) you will not know every detail of this situation.

I understand your concern for "Mr poor unfortunate" but if I have learned one thing about this type of situation... STAY OUT OF IT

I have to agree with you there.

Problem is my gf is wrapped right up into it, in that "the whorebag" is always whingin to her, but wont take my gf's advice.

Ive told her this morning that she needs to step back, and ive told yer wan.. shes a fckin idiot after what went on last nite.