Long Distance...Not Coping Well

LegacyUser

Ugh… My head is wreaked so apologies for the dribble dabble that may follow.

I’m in a long distance relationship with my bf (we’re in our mid 20s). He moved abroad during the summer for work. He’s only going to be gone a year – and the stint abroad will give him the edge over others in his field which is great especially considering the fecking recession! He needs to be there for now and I need to be here due to family/work commitments.

I’m finding the separation very hard. I have suffered in the past with depression and I had a relapse recently. This has further strained my relationship with my bf. He’s thriving in his new placement and I’m so relieved for him but at the same time I’m jealous. He’s handling it much better than me.

He’s so busy and preoccupied with new friends that he often doesn’t respond to messages. I have to chase him nearly all the time and I’m getting tired. He keeps saying he’ll make more of an effort and I see slight improvements from time to time but then back to normal.

When I was at my lowest he wouldn’t talk to me on the phone saying he was too tired to talk or had to go to the pub/shop/whatever. After a week of this I sent an email (because he was not contactable by phone) explaining I felt let down. In fairness to him he spoke to me at length then saying sorry and that his mind had been elsewhere.

I know everyone will tell me to keep busy, go visit him etc. Visiting him isn’t an option until January but he will be home at Christmas. As for keeping busy, I have been. But even when I’m out with friends or at dinner I miss him.

I love him to bits and I know he loves me. But I’m growing bitter and feeling increasingly neglected. I know I’m probably expecting too much but he’s my best friend as well as my bf and I miss him terribly.

For the record I'm glad he's settling in so well. I just want advice on how to handle things better.

speaktofrank

He’s so busy and preoccupied with new friends that he often doesn’t respond to messages.

That tells you all you need to know, if a guy is into someone they stay in contact, even if its just 2-3 text messages a day. Doesn't sound like someone that loves you, sorry to be harsh.

Kirnsy

tell him how often you expect some form of communication from him be it text,calls,emails every second day/day/etc...

LegacyUser

OP I was in the exact same situation as you last year, b/f went away for the year and was often preoccupied with his exciting new life... for the record we got through it and hes home now and we're very happy..

I know when he doesn't respond it can get you down.. my own advice would be to give him a little of his own medicine which is what I had to do on a couple of occasions.. when he gets on to you to ask why you aren't returning his texts you can let him know thats exactly how he was making you feel by not responding to you! Don't be aggro about it but point out that why should he get away with not responding to you when you dont.. and why would you bother having a one sided conversation?

- remember that sooner or later the novelty of the new place and the new friends will wear off, and he will probably realise what he is missing at home and contact you more. if you can hang in till then, more power to you! I did and everything is great now.. some people may not agree with this but I was happy with it and it worked out for me.

- socialise socialise socialise! Your friends will get you through, honestly! It will also help to keep your mind off things.

Good luck OP, the year will fly! Im having trouble writing all my thoughts down today so if i have any more advice will post

brianthebard

Have you thought about asking him to make a certain amount of time, probably at the weekend, which ye will both keep free so ye can be in contact? so even if the whole week is hectic there will still be that relationship time? I don't agree with the first response, he's having to build up a life and friendships and stuff in a different country and even if he's enjoying it it doesn't mean its not a lot of work or that he's not missing the op.

LegacyUser

Hi again, thanks to those who replied. It really does mean alot.

I do worry about him not responding and what it could mean. But for the time being I'm trying to be positive and take his word that it doesn't mean anything bad. I want to be able to trust him.

He's a brilliant guy and he treated me so well when he was living here. I don't want to lose him.

I've told him I want contact every day even if it's just a lil message saying hi. I don't think that's asking for much and to be fair he's started to respect my request.

What kills me is when I send an email first thing in the morning that I want a response...But zlitch. I hear nothing until I send another message that night saying hi. I'd have sent it in the morning and he'll have visibly been online chatting to other people so I know he has had time to send a short response.

When I query this it's always - "I was going to send you a response." Then he changes the subject.

I have waited to see if he responds without further prompting. Sometimes he does...Mostly he doesn't.

It's just so frustrating. I don't think/hope he's behaving this way because he's not in love with me. I hope it's just because he doesn't need contact everyday.

DemocAnarchis

I've been in a long distance relationship for the last three years, and while myself and the gf would talk or text most nights and during the day, some days your head is just wrecked and you don't want to talk to anyone.

I wouldn't get childish and try to give him a taste of his own medicine, he can't see you sulk over the phone and mightn't notice at all. Don't try to schedule fixed times to talk, agree (dont TELL him, come to a mutual agreement) roughly how often ye want to make contact.

It's also possible that he doesn't want to deal with your depression/feels that talking to you only gets him down. Not saying that its right, but it's a possibility.

LegacyUser

Ah thank you Brianthebard and Dontworry btw. Ye've made me feel like I'm not just kidding myself.

I don't want to play games but maybe I will try things his way. Wouldn't do him any harm to see how things can be like for me. He says he understands but maybe it would be good for him to experience it. Maybe it would be good for me to try distancing myself from it too.

LegacyUser

Demo yeah he mightn't notice but I've told him now that I'll try things his way so he knows why the contact will change.

As for him maybe not wanting to support me with my recent relapse... Well tbh I know it's hurt him seeing me on skype upset and not being able to cuddle or whatever but... All I wanted when I was at my lowest was to hear his voice.

LegacyUser

Ok... OP here! I no longer feel silly so I've changed the unregistered nickname!

Here's an update:
Things are going much better I'm happy to say! The distance malarky is still difficult as to be expected but we're ticking along happily.

EXCEPT

I've this thing that's been bothering me.

My bf is coming to visit me Dublin when he comes back for Christmas. I thought for me as it will be the first opportunity we've had to see eachother in 6 months! But I've found out that he's planned a major lads night because he got "his dates mixed up". So basically he's coming up mid afternoon and said he'll meet me for a short spell (2 hrs) before leaving to meet the lads and spending the evening with them. He's staying with relatives so he'll be sleeping there which to be honest suits me because the thought of him coming home blind drunk looking for the first shag in months doesn't appeal.

Here's my issue:
-The lads he's meeting are fellas he's been in contact with online. A few he's met before but most he's never met just chatted to via some sporting site. Now I understand that many of the people who post here probably do socialise with eachother and perhaps first met online not prior to posting...
But seriously would you choose a thai meal and pints over having a proper reunion with your OH? For the record I'd never stop a bf having lads time. God knows I enjoy spending time with my mates by myself!

But surely being reunited with your partner after a loooooong separation should come before a night out with people who you only ever talk to online? I've been looking forward to this for months... Now instead of having a nice leisurely evening with my bf I'm meeting him for a coffee... It just hurts. I've tried talking to him but he doesn't understand why I'd be bothered seeing as I'll see him again.

Am I just being a hopeless romantic? He's definiately going so that's that. I just am worried I'll wreak the mood of the 2 hrs by looking at my watch and resenting him choosing his internet mates over me...

LegacyUser

Hmmm... The previous message took so long to approve it's only showing up on the second page.

Excuse my bumping up! It's just I really don't want to wreak the first time I see him in 6 months by resenting the fact he's ditching me for a lads night. He's going to be having loads of lads night with his closest buddies by the way as well.

Am I being stupid in wanting a proper reunion at the expense of one of the many lads nights he's having? I don't expect any big wooha - I'd just been looking forward to meeting him for maybe a drink, a lil walk and a cosy night in.

What should I do people? Please don't be too harsh. I realise this is a bit selfish on my part. Truth is I cancelled plans so I'd be free when he'll be here. If it were possible I'd "uncancel" them but that ship has sailed...

Queencake

Maybe if possible he could come up a day earlier? Although I'm guessing this isn't if it's still unresolved.

spinandscribble

i dunno, he's be there for more then one day right? and you're visiting him again in jan? the one thing i've learnt in the last few months friends are alot more important then any fella/girl.

its probably the only night all his friends will be together in one place, given that its xmas time.

it mightn't be the ideal welcome home you had wanted but at the end of the day, its him coming home, not you.

davmol

Emmm... you havent seen him in 6 months?? and he'd rather see a couple of lads hes met online rather than hook up with you??????...........

If it was my GF she'd get a quick hi and good bye!!

G&T

Tell him you dont want to meet him for the 2
hours,sloppy second's, no thank's
Meet him the next day and find out what the story is,
it is not good enough at all for him to behave like that,
you have waited for 6 months with your knee's closed
to see him and your second on his"to do list".

codeblack

Yeah, if i hadnt seen my bf in 6 months I would want way more than just 2 hours with him, especially for just a coffee. I would never pick some friends I have been talking online with over my Bf. I mean if i really really felt i had some obligation to go out with these online friends, I'd ask the bf if he minded and ask him to come along, go show my face, then leave and spend some quality time with my bf.

Op if your bf was going meeting some really good friends then I would understand it. My ex used to be like this, he would constantly pick to spend time with other people over me. We were also in a long distance relationship, and even if he had promised he was coming down to see me, at the last minute he decided somthing better had come along and just not bother visiting me and it really hurt. You feel like you dont matter to them. And thats why he is now my ex.

I agree that maybe you should tell him, nicely though, that although you are so happy he is coming home and that you're dying to see him that 2 hours is not enough for you so he should just go meet these other friends if its that important and you'll see him another day when he can actually spare some proper quality time with you. If you are important in his life he really needs to start showing you.

LegacyUser

Well, he's meeting them and I don't want to make it into any further of an issue with him.

But how do I deal with the resentment I feel when I think about it and how I KNOW I will feel on the day of the the 2 hr reunion?

I know I'll spend more time with him after that day but it's the fact he'd rather have pints with people who aren't even in his usual social circle than have a proper reunion with me that annoys me. His reasoning is he won't get a chance to meet them until maybe next year and I do see his point... It still hurts though.

Should I not meet him that day so like G&T thinks? Wait one more day? I have to say I'm tempted if only to avoid me making a tit of myself being pissed off when he fecks off for pints. Ugh...

I know I should just forget about all this but I can't.

LegacyUser

Thanks floatingsmartie.

He wants to have epic chats with the lads I imagine. Tbh I wouldn't feel right about tagging along.

He's never ever been like this though. He is always very good to me (except when we were finding the long distance thing difficult to get used to but that's all sorted now). I told him how I feel and I told him he'll seriously have to make it up to me. He's just mad keen to see these guys and I guess he needs to take his chance now.

Jesus even if he turned around and said he'll plan something special for the next day I think that would make things feel better.

All my friends agree it's bad form that he's not having a proper reunion with me but no one has any clue of what I should do to resolve things. I'm just scared of it being ****ty because I want to remember how great meeting eachother again was for when the going get's tough once we're seperated again for the last stint of his work placement in Oz. I don't want to be remembering oh well it was nice but then he ran off after 2 hrs to meet some lads and go drinking.

codeblack

You say you dont want to make it any further an issue with him but then you say you cant forget it either...

you have a few choices here..
A. If you really dont want to make it any further an issue with him, then do exactly that. Meet him, have a good time, act happy and tell him "have a good time" when he leaves.
B. Try to do the above but because you also say you cant forget it, you let it show you still have an issue with it, you two have a disagreement about it, he leaves to be with the friends, you feel like ****.
C. Tell him you will meet him when he can provide you with more time for you two to get reacquantied. This will show him you wont stand for being treated like second best.
D. Some other idea that you will have to come up with on your own, because if you feel you dont want to make it further an issue, yet you cant forget about it because you feel somewhat resentful, i'm not sure what else to tell you.

pow wow

Unregistered wrote: »

Well, he's meeting them and I don't want to make it into any further of an issue with him.

But how do I deal with the resentment I feel when I think about it and how I KNOW I will feel on the day of the the 2 hr reunion?

I know I'll spend more time with him after that day but it's the fact he'd rather have pints with people who aren't even in his usual social circle than have a proper reunion with me that annoys me. His reasoning is he won't get a chance to meet them until maybe next year and I do see his point... It still hurts though.

Should I not meet him that day so like G&T thinks? Wait one more day? I have to say I'm tempted if only to avoid me making a tit of myself being pissed off when he fecks off for pints. Ugh...

I know I should just forget about all this but I can't.

It should annoy you. People move away, people change. Sorry to be harsh but if he wanted to text reply to your messages he'd make time; if he wanted to see you more than his sports buddies he would. He might be a lovely guy but distance changes things. Don't overlook his behaviour now if it's annoying you because of how sweet/supportive he was before. Give him a chance, lay it out for him and see what he says. It might be an oversight in which case he'll fix it. If he spews then why are you even bothering? Life is short.

He may be having a hard time being away - would that explain his behaviour?

sunnyjim

Hold up a second?!

There's people throwing mad things around like "he should text 2 or 3 times a day", or that you should be "giving him his own medicine".

How bloody childish is that? Texting, I loath to admit, is the given communication medium for keeping in youch with yer special wan these days. Seriously, what's wrong with 1 or 2 phone calls a week?

I bet that he's here longer than a week, and that the girlfriend is only annoyed because he's not spending the first night with her.

And Ellscurr... If he's abroad, he's abroad. No point bringing this up when he's back home for good. He can't just sit in every night mopeing around because he's away from home. He's got work to do, a mouth to feed, things to clean etc. If he's busy, but makes the time (not incessant texting that is) then whats the problem?

alexjk

I wouldn't say you're being silly at all.I am currently doing a year abroad but before I left my and the boyfriend sat down and worked out times when we could visit each other that worked well for the both of us. Is it possible that you could visit him a couple of weekends over the year? I would say that it is important that you communicate that you are feeling a bit neglected, he might not realise he's doing it.

pow wow

sunnyjim wrote: »

Hold up a second?!

There's people throwing mad things around like "he should text 2 or 3 times a day", or that you should be "giving him his own medicine".

How bloody childish is that? Texting, I loath to admit, is the given communication medium for keeping in youch with yer special wan these days. Seriously, what's wrong with 1 or 2 phone calls a week?

I bet that he's here longer than a week, and that the girlfriend is only annoyed because he's not spending the first night with her.

And Ellscurr... If he's abroad, he's abroad. No point bringing this up when he's back home for good. He can't just sit in every night mopeing around because he's away from home. He's got work to do, a mouth to feed, things to clean etc. If he's busy, but makes the time (not incessant texting that is) then whats the problem?

It's not childish at all. These are things to matter to her, you know, his girlfriend. Some girls are into talking a lot, some aren't. He knows her well enough by now.

When he's back home permanently it's a completely separate, and for now irrelevant, issue.

midlandsmissus

That is totally ridiculous. How can you let him do that to you?

My boyfriend has been away working for the last six months, he is coming home soon and he is planning a big romantic reunion with me. He has been talking of little else.

I mean IMAGINE not seeing your girlfriend for six months and then going out with NOT EVEN his mates, but people he hardly knows!

And you let him away with it! you are letting this guy away with murder.

And if you email him in the morning, if he hasnt replied, DONT email him again at night.

People might think this stuff is trivial but it isnt. guys run a mile form needy women. They like the thrill of the chase. And im a woman saying this. Just from reading your post I felt like banging your head against a brick wall. I just dont understand how some women let men treat them like absoloute dirt, and then still blame themselves for everything.

LegacyUser

ellscurr wrote: »

It should annoy you. People move away, people change. Sorry to be harsh but if he wanted to text reply to your messages he'd make time; if he wanted to see you more than his sports buddies he would. He might be a lovely guy but distance changes things. Don't overlook his behaviour now if it's annoying you because of how sweet/supportive he was before. Give him a chance, lay it out for him and see what he says. It might be an oversight in which case he'll fix it. If he spews then why are you even bothering? Life is short.

Thanks for responding! I do appreciate all input. I'll just clarify for you. He is making time to respond now and I've become more understanding of how busy he is. Like I've said, the long distance thing is working well now. As well as L.D can ever work! No more complaints on that front! He's still very sweet and supportive. He sends me sunny postcards regularly!

He wants to see his sports fanatical friends because he may never get a chance to meet them again and if he does it'll be at the very earliest next Christmas. I'll get lots of time with him over Christmas hopefully. I'm just resenting the crappy reunion and being ditched so quickly.

Thanks for the advice floatingsmartie! Yeah I think I'll have to go for meeting him the day after his lads night. I'm crap at hiding my emotions. I'll organise to do something nice for myself instead - like get a pedicure or something girly. I'll have drinks with my girlie friends.

Sunnyjim - no offense mate but 1 or 2 phonecalls a week and no other communication would be ****. As it happens we do talk properly about 1 to 2 times a week, sometimes 3! And the texting communication maybe happens for a lil bit every day. If you're not seeing your bf for months on end, you need to stay connected... But like I said - THAT WHOLE THING IS NOT AN ISSUE ANYMORE. Honest!

midlandmissus - yes but in his mind they are his friends. ugh as for the communication stuff again read my posts guys things are fine on that front. I probably should have just set up a new thread alogether...

Yes I'd love a romantic reunion but that's not gonna happen. He's a great guy and I don't let him treat me bad. Because he doesn't!!! Even if he did, I wouldn't let him.

sunnyjim

Cool. Glad it's not an issue.

Kinda cool to see the OP responding to all posters, not just the ones they agree with.