Must. Win. Girlfriend. Back.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my girlfriend last month, largely because our sex-life had slowed to a complete stop (actually it had never really gotten going), and I guess I thought that we were sexually uncompatible, that neither of us could change, blah blah blah

I'm an idiot.

I loved her, I still love her, and a month spent 'playing the field' so to speak has made me realise I don't want anyone but her. I don't care about the the sex/no sex thing anymore, and I know now it would have gotten better had I just given us more of a real chance. I thought I was giving it a chance just by sticking around for the length of time I did, but really I was just drifting along. I didn't actively try like I should have. Even if it doesn't work itself out, I know I could be just as happy as I was 99% of the time we were together.

It's a month later and I'm still just as in love with this girl, except now I miss her loads, having not seen her. When we broke up she begged me for 2 weeks straight to change my mind, told me how much she loved me, couldn't live without me, etc, but I was very hard, trying to keep my resolve, all I could tell her was that I felt like I couldn't go back...

So on monday night I contacted her and told her how I really feel. The next day she got back to me and told me to forget about it, that she had moved on. It's over.

I saw events like this coming, but not nearly so soon. I can't believe she says she's totally over it. I guess being the one that feels like they were dumped pushes you more to pick yourself up and go out and move on. But I was badly torn up over the break-up too. I hated that things had gotten the way they did, I saw no alternative, I'm still unhappy I let things go the way I did.


The worst part is that she said she met some new Mr on a night out a few days ago and is texting (and meeting??) him.


I don't know exactly what to do but I know that I'm still crazy about her and I know that she, even if it's just a tiny bit at this point, must still feel something for me. How can you go from loving someone as much as she did, to feeling nothing in such a short space of time? All I can think of is that the thrill of having someone new is what's helped her forget me so damn quickly. How can I, the ex-BF of nearly 2 years, compete with that thrill of having someone new?

Maybe this someone else *can* make her happier, but there's no way I'm going to just assume that. I don't believe he or anyone else would show the patience and understanding I showed in coping with the sex-life issues for over a year and a half. This is far from the first thread I've made here in PI over all this. My username has been variations of "unrollerblades" in these threads. I don't know if I could find them again but the background info might be helpful.

And yes, to reiterate, I am genuinely an idiot for putting the both of us (not to mention PI) through all of this. Sorry.

She said she doesn't want to end up back in situation where I'll just want to break up again. But I've learned a hard, hard lesson. It took me a long time to make up my mind in the first place, I won't be changing my mind on this one, ever.

We had the most amazing relationship in every other respect, and I would have bet my life on being able to trust her completely. I know she trusted me too.

I know I probably don't deserve any kind of second chance, but I need to know how to undo the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not even being dramatic here. Biggest. Mistake.

Does anyone have experience in something like this? Has it worked for you? Did it not work on you, if so, why?

Someone advise me how to get her back, I'll do absolutely anything. ANYTHING. No scheme is too crazy, no gesture too grand. Time, money and my shame are no objects here. The only thing I can't seem to do is wait around doing nothing, *hoping* she'll change her mind ...like I did.

Beruthiel

You hurt her. Big time. She's gotten past that.
I'd say, leave her be.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

You hurt her. Big time. She's gotten past that.
I'd say, leave her be.

You don't think I should even try? Not even a little bit? Not even for my own peace of mind, so I know I did everything I could?

Or are you saying that the best think I could do with a view to helping her come around would be to leave her be?

LegacyUser

How much of the real reasons for the breakup did you tell her, and how did she take it? If you told her it was because she wouldn't have sex with you, and she has now accepted the breakup as valid, it sounds like she won't change her mid about having sex with you, so she's right that you'd end up in the same situation.

bigeasyeah

Hire a prostitute.Problem solved

Loopy

You have hurt her big time but I think if you pursue her passionately (as passionate as your post is) you have a good chance of getting her back. Her feelings cant have just switched off like that. This new guy is a distraction for her.

Write her a long letter, send her flowers, let her know honestly how you feel. If she is adamant that its over - walk away knowing you have tried. Good luck.

davyjose

UnrollerBLEW IT wrote: »

I
Someone advise me how to get her back, I'll do absolutely anything. ANYTHING. No scheme is too crazy, no gesture too grand. Time, money and my shame are no objects here. The only thing I can't seem to do is wait around doing nothing, *hoping* she'll change her mind ...like I did.

Did anything work on you for the two weeks she spent begging you? TBH, if the sex wasn't working, then even if you DO get beck with her, you're gonna end up back where you started. So give it time and you'll find someone you're content with (and sex is a big part of a relationship, so don't feel too shallow). But you have to accept that the ex has moved on, and you should be happy she is through the agony you put her through - now it's your turn, I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

looptheloop wrote: »

You have hurt her big time but I think if you pursue her passionately (as passionate as your post is) you have a good chance of getting her back. Her feelings cant have just switched off like that. This new guy is a distraction for her.

Write her a long letter, send her flowers, let her know honestly how you feel. If she is adamant that its over - walk away knowing you have tried. Good luck.

Thank you so much. This tiny bit of encouragement and support means a lot.

Feelings can't just be switched off is exactly what I've been thinking. God knows my own can't be.

You say pursue her passionately, which sounds like a plan, but how much? How do I avoid the pitfalls of coming off like a stalker-ish pest? I think I should avoid ringing her, anyway. Any text messages would probably end up becoming annoying for her, too.

The flowers and letter thing - as cheesy as they are, I will definitely try them. She's a romantic girl, after all. I wish I'd done this kind of thing for her a little more when we were together. It's a sad state of affairs when it takes something like this for me to wake up and show her what she means to me. I know it'll take more than things like this, though. But I don't want to play my best cards just yet.

I'm trying to be very positive when speaking to her, even though I'm missing her I don't want to seem miserable. Misery is never very attractive or appealing. I've told her I'm not going to just stop loving her, and her reply was basically "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be". Although I've said I'm not giving up on us, I think the notion that I myself may eventually move on would make her think more about what it is to lose what we have... But I guess she's already been through that because of me.

LegacyUser

davyjose wrote: »

Did anything work on you for the two weeks she spent begging you?

Honestly, no, nothing changed my mind. But the whole time, I was just wishing she would call me and give me a reason to change my mind. Wishing she'd give me something I could buy. Just anything sound that I could believe would make a difference. She said she could change, but that was word for word a line I had heard too often before.

The point is, I don't want her to change now. I want her back as she was. Even if nothing changes. I was happy with what we had, even if the sex part was poor; we're both relatively young and inexperienced. I know now it could've been fine if I'd just kept faith...

Nevyn

bigeasyeah Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Well if she's of the mind that "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be" then maybe the best thing for your chances are actually if she goes off for a while and sees other people. I think I remember one of your posts from before, so if I've got the right person here, I think she probably needs to face up to the fact that sex is important in every relationship, especially at your age, and perhaps she will see that very few guys will even hang around as long as you did for a sexless relationship. Just maybe she will get over whatever is holding her back and if the rest of your relationship was really as amazing as you say, maybe she'll be back to you. But you can't force it and I wouldn't recommend bombarding her with pleas.

Auldloon

I have been there dude all be it for totally different reasons. I left she begged i wouldnt hear of it. She moved on i got lonely missed her and tried to get her back. She wouldnt have me.
I begged, grovelled and promised her the sun moon and stars and eventually she took me back.
Guess what the reason i left in the first place was still there of course and after loads of heartache we split again for good this time.
My advise to you is let her be. Try and think of the reasons you left and concentrate on them. Easier said than done i know but i wish i had.

LegacyUser

Reasons wrote: »

Well if she's of the mind that "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be" then maybe the best thing for your chances are actually if she goes off for a while and sees other people. I think I remember one of your posts from before, so if I've got the right person here, I think she probably needs to face up to the fact that sex is important in every relationship, especially at your age, and perhaps she will see that very few guys will even hang around as long as you did for a sexless relationship. Just maybe she will get over whatever is holding her back and if the rest of your relationship was really as amazing as you say, maybe she'll be back to you. But you can't force it and I wouldn't recommend bombarding her with pleas.

Yeah, thanks man. I think this is good advice.

There's always the chance that she's learned from the break-up (partially) over the sex thing and just goes and has lots of great sex with this new guy incredibley soon and they then stay together FOREVER.
I know that in this eventuality I should just be happy that she's happy, but I guess I'm selfish enough to really want that happiness to be with me. I can't help it.

But, anyway, if that was the case then there would be no reason for her not to be able to make it work with me, either. Unless of course she fancied the new guy more, but I've covered that ground with her before and have been assured there's no lack of attraction between her and myself, so, I dunno. A lot of it is probably the "new" thing.

I don't even want to get into talking about this other guy, I actually can't handle thinking about it.


I won't try to force it. At this initial stage I guess I'll just make sure she knows my position, which is that I'll do anything to have her back under pretty much any circumstances. After that I guess I'll just leave it alone, but try to stay in contact a little so I don't vanish off the face of the planet.

RedXIV

ok mate, the reason people give advice here is because they can see things objectively, we don't know either of you so your love for the girl isn't going to blind us. But the facts as we see them are, simply:

1) you dumped her
2) she begged for you back, you said no
3) she got a new fella and you started begging

In HER mind, she probably thinks your just reeking of jealousy and you only want what you can't have. which may be true. i don't know. What i do know is that at the end of every relationship, there is a period of mourning (unless the OH was crazy or something, then it's usually relief ). it's only been a month man. longing can go on alot longer but it does end.

While she's interested in this new guy, the best thing you can do is stay completely out of her life. for her and for you. if you think love will find a way, it will. but both of you have to want it, not just you.

My advice is cut ties for a while, be brutal, come back in 3 months and see if you still want her as bad. and take the three months to do something incredible with your life. make yourself a better person.

best of luck mate

Karen_*

You broke up with her to test greener pastures. She must have been heartbroken. You now have decided that the grass was not greener on the other side. Good for her for telling you to take a running jump.

They are the chances you take OP when you dump someone. You can't have it every way. You regret it now especially that she has found someone else. And you've tried to get her back but it hasn't worked. Its awful that in this instance that you didn't get your own way but I'm sure she didn't enjoy not getting her way when you broke up with her. But whats good for the goose OP. Be a big boy about it and let the girl get on with her life. You have to grow up sometime.

Beruthiel

UnrollerBLEW IT wrote: »

You don't think I should even try? Not even a little bit? Not even for my own peace of mind, so I know I did everything I could?

I wasn't thinking of your peace of mind, I was thinking of hers.
The point I was trying to make was, you've messed with her head enough, leave her be to get on with her life.
If at some point in the future she should change her mind, she'll get in touch.

Pub07

Karen_* wrote: »

You broke up with her to test greener pastures. She must have been heartbroken. You now have decided that the grass was not greener on the other side. Good for her for telling you to take a running jump.

I doubt you'd be taking a shot at the op if you knew the background to this - he has made the right decision for both of them he's just getting post-breakup cold feet like everyone does and it's probably his first time experiencing it.

Anyway, it's a pity the op couldn't link his threads so people know the deal here - I remember them and found some bits of them in googles cache so let me refresh your memory peope -This is the guy whose girlfriend posted that he was about a year into his relationship and his girlfriend had stopped having sex with him a good while ago and had shown zero interest in having any kind of sex with him. Then he posted another thread 11 months later saying the situation had actually gotten worse - here's a quote from the last thread -

Nothing has changed. It's been discussed over and over and over and I've heard promise after promise and I still keep trying my luck, but no. Not happening.

OP, you have 100% made the right decision to break up with her, what you are feeling now is totally natural, post break-up blues, especially if it's your first relationship, you think you made a huge mistake but you wouldn't be back with her two weeks before you'd realise that you are unhappy in the relationship again. I made the same mistake when I was younger, thinking I had made a huge mistake two weeks after breaking up with someone and we got back together, but within a day I knew getting back together was the real mistake. And I still repeated this mistake twice more lol.

I don't want anyone but her. I don't care about the the sex/no sex thing anymore, and I know now it would have gotten better had I just given us more of a real chance.

Em....this is delusional thinking, it would not have gotten better, as you said yourself in the previous threads you had put a huge effort into improving your sex life (as in trying to get it just to exist) and despite that things were getting worse.

As for not caring about the sex/no sex thing - how could you not care about it? Heterosexual men in their early twenties probably spend 60-70% of their time thinking about sex lol. You have posted three threads on this subject so you obviously do have an issue with it. You resented her for your non-existant sex life, nothing wrong with that...I would too in your position, and you will resent her again for it if you got back with her. You honestly think you'd have no problem spending your whole life with someone who won't have sex with you?

My advice is just deal with the pain at the moment, after a few months you'll care far less than you do now. And when you find a girl to have a real relationship with you will think back to how you are feeling now and say 'what a fool i was, thank god we didn't get back together'.


Here are the old threads -
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055096727
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055149953
http://66.102.9.104/search?q=cache:UC--nLRkwJsJ:www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php%3Fp%3D56714610+pub07+site:www.boards.ie+personal&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=20&gl=ie

tbh

the only thing that will help you in this situation is time. you are having all the "I want her back" feelings because your life has changed, and most people are not big fans of change - so you want things to unchange. You say that people can't change that quickly after being together for two years. So, how are you so sure that YOU have changed - that is, if you DO get back together, you won't be back on here soon saying "I thought i loved her, but the sex thing is still too big to get past". And if you can change your stance on that issue, she can too. Yes, it's possible she's having the best sex of her life with the new guy. Maybe she was so ready to move on because you and her haven't had a proper relationship in a while - so she was moving on from a friend, not a boyfriend, you know?

it's hard, I know. Listen man, if you talk to anyone on this board over 30, I'm sure that 99% of us will have an anecdote about someone we went out with that we broke up with, we wanted them back and we didn't get them. Did we spend the rest of our lives pining? hell no! we moved on, we learned from the relationships, and given the choice, most of us wouldn't go back.

The reality is, she says she's happy with this new guy. You can do all the assuming you want, but you are not in control of this situation. You CAN, if you want, decide that it's not going to end like this, and you can put a whole pile of effort into getting her back. And maybe you will. But what then? Will the problems just disappear? They have a habit of not doing that.

Or, you can accept that the relationship is over, and put all that effort into getting yourself a new girl. Do you think that the girl you lost was the only one for you? Really?

I might be coming across as unsympathetic, but I'm not. This is like the leaving cert. When you are going through it, it seems like the biggest thing in the world. Once it's done, meh.

g'luck fella. All things will pass.

Karen_*

Pub07 wrote: »

I doubt you'd be taking a shot at the op if you knew the background to this - he has made the right decision for both of them he's just getting post-breakup cold feet like everyone does and it's probably his first time experiencing it.

Thanks for bringing the threads to my attention. No I don't know the backgroud of the whole situation and I don't search threads and posts when replying so my answer WAS based purely on what's in this thread. I stand corrected and apologise to the OP.

It doesn't alter the fact that the girl was broken up with and is entitled to move on. And even when you break up with someone it can be very tough actually living with the lonliness and regrets afterwards. All I can say is OP you broke up for a reason and that reason would still be there if you got back together. It may not be a good idea to go back although it certainly might feel the safest option at the moment.

Burial

must win her back? Yeah sound like you love her lots... Anyway, let it be. You ruined the chance. If I was your friend I'd tell you to try and win her back through various means. However, I'm thinking objectivly, and all I've gotten from your posts were just the wrong reasons to get back with someone. Problems will still be there, neither of ye have grown, you let her get over you, you hoped she'd change but realised she didn't/wouldn't so now your regretting not changing yourself or taking her back when she wanted you too.

If you truely wish to get her back, make her read this thread and then ask her how she feels about you.

*EDIT*

Just read the second page now.... So, let things be and leave her alone...

Wagon

I'd leave it dude. This is pretty normal, you miss the companionship especially after you've been with her for so long. She hasn't moved on and is probably on the rebound so it'll probably end with your man soon enough. Never mind that though, I'd stay well away. She does want to move on and it'll save you an unbelieveable amount of trouble and misery and depression if you accept that now. It's also not a shallow reason to break up with someone if the lack of a sex life was getting you down as that's a huge part of any relationship. Also, there's NEVER just one person for everyone. I don't believe in that soulmate ****e.

So my advice is leave it mate. Let her be and give yourself loads and loads of space and don't bother with the friends thing, at least not for months down the line. Get out with the lads and get hammered. Go on the pull for the craic when you feel like it. Look for new interests that you didn't have time to do when she was wasting all your precious time I've been there before (and a lot of us have) and had the thought "she's the only one for me" more than once. These thoughts will pass and trust me, in a few weeks you'll be glad you ended it. Good luck

Mr. Incognito

You made a decision to have guilt free sex.

After you've had the sex you miss the relationship world.

You sound like you've come full circle here.

Look mate, you made a decision, now a month later you're panicing

If she took you back in another month you'd want the sex again.

Take some time out and play the field. You're head must be melted but you seem the type to always want what he can't have, be it the sex or the girls.

Try and find someone who gives you both.

K-9

RedXIV wrote: »

ok mate, the reason people give advice here is because they can see things objectively, we don't know either of you so your love for the girl isn't going to blind us. But the facts as we see them are, simply:

1) you dumped her
2) she begged for you back, you said no
3) she got a new fella and you started begging

In HER mind, she probably thinks your just reeking of jealousy and you only want what you can't have. which may be true. i don't know. What i do know is that at the end of every relationship, there is a period of mourning (unless the OH was crazy or something, then it's usually relief ). it's only been a month man. longing can go on alot longer but it does end.

While she's interested in this new guy, the best thing you can do is stay completely out of her life. for her and for you. if you think love will find a way, it will. but both of you have to want it, not just you.

My advice is cut ties for a while, be brutal, come back in 3 months and see if you still want her as bad. and take the three months to do something incredible with your life. make yourself a better person.

best of luck mate

Agree with this, especially the new bf and the jealousy part.
I think you want what you can't have!

Also, why are you going back to something that made you unhappy?
Unless things will change, no point!

missmatty

UnrollerBLEW IT wrote: »

How can you go from loving someone as much as she did, to feeling nothing in such a short space of time?

Pot. Kettle. Black. You loved her so much you dumped her and went off for yourself. Which is fair enough, but you can't possibly expect her to take you back now. As for the sex issue, that would have become a problem again in time for sure.

Sephiroth_dude

let her be,shes with someone new now and you know man its your tuff luck.

Wagon

Might as well add this:

Just found the link to your previous threads. Dude, do NOT go back to her. I think I advised breaking up would be a good idea before. I'm sticking by that. Don't try take her back she wasn't very nice and didn't give a **** about your feelings on the sex issue and strung you along. These aren't the actions of someone who truly loves you. Why in the name of god would you want to win that back?! this may sound terrible but don't bother counting your losses because you didn't really lose much.

beth-lou

I think it would be best for you if you her be.
When you feel better you will eventually meet someone who you are more compatable with. Just give it time.
She's not the one for you, nor you for her.

pookie82

Pub07 wrote: »

I doubt you'd be taking a shot at the op if you knew the background to this - he has made the right decision for both of them he's just getting post-breakup cold feet like everyone does and it's probably his first time experiencing it.

Anyway, it's a pity the op couldn't link his threads so people know the deal here - I remember them and found some bits of them in googles cache so let me refresh your memory peope -This is the guy whose girlfriend posted that he was about a year into his relationship and his girlfriend had stopped having sex with him a good while ago and had shown zero interest in having any kind of sex with him. Then he posted another thread 11 months later saying the situation had actually gotten worse - here's a quote from the last thread -



OP, you have 100% made the right decision to break up with her, what you are feeling now is totally natural, post break-up blues, especially if it's your first relationship, you think you made a huge mistake but you wouldn't be back with her two weeks before you'd realise that you are unhappy in the relationship again. I made the same mistake when I was younger, thinking I had made a huge mistake two weeks after breaking up with someone and we got back together, but within a day I knew getting back together was the real mistake. And I still repeated this mistake twice more lol.


Em....this is delusional thinking, it would not have gotten better, as you said yourself in the previous threads you had put a huge effort into improving your sex life (as in trying to get it just to exist) and despite that things were getting worse.

As for not caring about the sex/no sex thing - how could you not care about it? Heterosexual men in their early twenties probably spend 60-70% of their time thinking about sex lol. You have posted three threads on this subject so you obviously do have an issue with it. You resented her for your non-existant sex life, nothing wrong with that...I would too in your position, and you will resent her again for it if you got back with her. You honestly think you'd have no problem spending your whole life with someone who won't have sex with you?

My advice is just deal with the pain at the moment, after a few months you'll care far less than you do now. And when you find a girl to have a real relationship with you will think back to how you are feeling now and say 'what a fool i was, thank god we didn't get back together'.


Here are the old threads -
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055096727
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055149953
http://66.102.9.104/search?q=cache:UC--nLRkwJsJ:www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php%3Fp%3D56714610+pub07+site:www.boards.ie+personal&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=20&gl=ie

Ah. I was wondering if this was the same guy.

Op, come on. Your post here dismisses the "no sex" reason in the first couple of lines as if it weren't that big a deal in the first place and was in no way deserving of your actions.

Read back over your old threads. It's absurd what your relationship had become. No sex, no talking about sex, no real reason for no sex, no promise of sex ever becoming a reality again in your life, constant pleas to just forget about the sex..... It was silly. No matter how perfect you think your girlfriend was/is - she wasn't. You posted here a number of times, deeply unhappy, and now that you've made the break you're missing her and are understandably feeling regret.

It will pass. It'll take time. Give her space. I really don't think you've thought long and hard enough about signing yourself back up for a sexless life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that. You miss her friendship, her familiarity and her company. All natural. But still no reason to go back.

And on the new boyfriend issue...... By the sounds of things she won't be jumping into bed with anyone soon considering her general feelings on sex. I really think you need to grit your teeth, put the head down, and get through this alone. Leave her to fool some other guy into a sexless relationship.

LegacyUser

Yeah, those are my old threads. There were at least 3 of them. I asked for the most recent one to be deleted a while back in case it 'caused upset for someone involved that might see it. I wish I still had that most recent thread so I could read it, because right now I just don't know what I was thinking when I told her we couldn't go on.

I love this girl deeply. Please read the previous threads if I just seem totally selfish, I can't believe I am completely...

I got strange notions in my head toward the end. I listened to the wrong people and started seeing things between us the wrong way. In the last few months I hardly gave us a chance.

When I eventually told her we couldn't go on, "pastures greener" was the absolute last thing in my head. All I could think of was all the hurt and frustration and rejection that I had bottled up the whole time and I just genuinely felt that even though I would have given anything for us to able to, right then I believed we just couldn't make it work. And I didn't want to mess the both of us around by staying in the relationship when I thought that. It was actually completely unplanned when I did tell her. She asked me a hard question about what I thought of our relationship and I just couldn't lie to her. She must have seen it in my eyes.

ALSO, to the people saying I'm just jealous because of the new guy on the scene. While it kills me to think about her and him, yeah, it's not like that. I contacted her before I knew about anything like that. I was genuinely shocked when she told me she met someone else so soon. I couldn't want anyone else. I guess I shoulda been wiser than that. She felt she had been dumped and rejected (though for my part I felt pretty damn rejected) so I guess she had much more impetus to move on, forget me and find someone new, with no real guilt. The guilt was huge for me though.

It's not like they're going out or anything, but at times I fear the worst. Chances are this dude won't be so patient as I was, but maybe that's better for both of them. I dunno. If I ended knowing she was completely different sexually with him it'd be so horrible. Guess that's not info I'll ever be privy to, though.


I was such a stubborn idiot. I put off thinking about us, blocked it out of my head and then put it off some more. In the meanwhile, one or two girls I know were making sort of a play for my attentions. They failed, because I realised immediately that no-one can compare to this girl I had and let slip away. Think about it, why else would I have stayed with her for as long as I did??


I know people will think I just need to cop on and grow up and lie in the bed of **** I made for myself, but I'm not the kind of guy who just wants what he doesn't have. I spent a long time thinking hard about this girl and what we had. She is the girl I wish I had met when I was 27 or something, when most of these tribulations would be behind us and maybe we could have a chance at being together for good. She's the girl I would want to get married to, whenever I do feel I want that.
And yeah, sure I'm not ready for that and I do need to grow up, but I fear if I lose her now I'll lose her forever. She's not the kind of girl anyone with half a brain just lets get away, you know?

I dunno what to do. I can strike while the iron's hot and convince her I'm for real as soon as I can. Or I can disappear into the background and give us both a much needed chance to grow and then see how I feel. Should I tell her that's what I'm doing? That I'm not giving up on us, just leaving us a chance to breathe?? I will bet anything I will still feel she's the one for me. Maybe saying that some months down the road would lend it more credibility. I've tried telling her that this isn't just some going-thru-the-motions post-break-up blues deal for me. It's me going after what I finally know I want. Ordinarily I wouldn't have the neck, but she's too important for me to be held back by the fact that I was an asshole.

Money Shot

Chances are this new guy will be as frustrated and beleagured as you are now in the not too distant future. You had a lucky escape. You really need to give it a month or two away from her completely and see how you feel.

In my honest opinion, things will never improve in that department, and it will just keep coming to a boil, time and time again. It's better the hurt now and move on, than making a huge mistake and regretting it time and time again in the future.

Karen_*

Most people beleive that their partner was the only one for them and they'll never love again, after a breakup. OP its a really common feeling but a very strong one. And noone can make you happy, only you can. And your happiness is not dependant on one person, place or thing.

Set yourself a goal of say, 90 days and live those 90 days as well as you can and with a view to moving forward. Even start a diary so you can look back on it after the time is up. If after the 90 days you feel exactly the same well then you know you've got a better perception of the situation.

Pub07

Ok, so go back to her and put your flute into retirement at the grand old age of 21. I'm gonna be brutally honest OP and say it was complete a joke of a relationship boyfriend-girlfriend wise. What you were from what I read was very close friends. The thing that separates your relationship with your partner from those of your friends is basically sex. Shure can't you still hang around with her once she cools off from this 'break-up' and for all intents and purposes it'll be exact same as your relationship with her previously was - ie platonic friendship.