Taken

cHaTbOx

Hi I write a good few lyrics and want to share one and get some opinions on one I wrote recently.I am getting better at guitar but atm I don;t have the skill to put this with music.When I do I will put it up ,but for now theres the lyrics:)

Taken
I don’t wanna face these things, the dread.
Just my memories keeping me going in this messed up head
I don’t seem to know what it means anymore.
I wake up but I don’t know what for,
Dreamer here, dreamer now,
Dreamer lost somehow with nightmares
That just won’t go away.

I carry a burden so heavy around,
All I want to do is forget,
But you made my burden so insignificant,
Heaven you have all that I want and need
The someone I want to come and get,
the only someone my heart will heed
The only person I will never forget.

I don’t wanna face these things, the dread.
Just my memories keeping me going in this messed up head
I don’t seem to know what it means anymore.
I wake up but I don’t know what for,
Dreamer here, dreamer now,
Dreamer lost somehow with nightmares
That just won’t go away.

Taken, taken she was took from me
I don’t know who I am
She was my better half you see,
Etched across my face are her tears that will never leave,
From telling her it’ll be alright
While I watched her body heave.

Torture is nice to what you have done you see
Black dyed her mind and stained her tongue,
And took her soul of her playful fun
God oh god I asked you, to give the pain to me,
And let her live free from this cruel misery.

Taken, taken she was took from me
I don’t know who I am
She was my better half you see,
Etched across my face are her tears that will never leave,
I am a dreamer here with hope,
Hope it’ll never leave.

cHaTbOx

Btw this is the first one I felt confident of posting up . Really would like some opinions:)

humberklog

random chatbox wrote: »

Really would like some opinions

I'd estimate all people that put thier lyrics up are looking for the same. It is helpful to receive some honest opinions and it takes a bit of balls to post up lyrics. All good so far? Well it can't be all take, take, take. What your looking for would happen more for you if you did for others what you want them to do for you. I'm not being narky. Just pointing it out. If you can write lyrics for yourself and are seeking opinions then give some criticism on other peoples lyrics. Be a bit more Kibbutznik.


To open your thread a bit I'm gonna start with a broad observation on songwriting in general. Is sadness a default mode? Do we dig deeper when reflecting darker feelings? Take ourselves closer to authenticity? Is it just simpler? Is it simply easier to rhyme?
For my 2cents...it's a default mode.

Random this song is far too self obsorbed in the immaturely dealt emotions of the subject relating the song. Instead of the reader having empathy with the subject you want to slap him and tell'm to stop being so sloppy.
On a structural level it's very clunky. Rhyming for rhymings sake completely negates intent and effect. As does word selection. 'Heed'(13line) and 'cruel misery' (line32) should be reconsidered with serious reflection. But not these 3 words alone. I'm using these as starting points as they're the easiest identified be this reader and should be by you too.
Try more self indulgent lyrics as a lyracist rather than having a self absorbed subject.

How's the tune coming along?

cHaTbOx

humberklog wrote: »

I'd estimate all people that put thier lyrics up are looking for the same. It is helpful to receive some honest opinions and it takes a bit of balls to post up lyrics. All good so far? Well it can't be all take, take, take. What your looking for would happen more for you if you did for others what you want them to do for you. I'm not being narky. Just pointing it out. If you can write lyrics for yourself and are seeking opinions then give some criticism on other peoples lyrics. Be a bit more Kibbutznik.

You are right about that,thanks.Just hate being critcial but I will start .Will do into detail later on about what you have said .

Matt Holck

I can show you the words the song doesn't need

humberklog

random chatbox wrote: »

Just hate being critcial but I will start .

I do too!! Really though I do. It takes a lotta balls to be critical of someone elses work and put up your own. But when done it's a very liberating experience. Jump in and throw a few shapes around.
The forum needs a bit of livening up. Don't be nasty for nasty's sake. But I know myself that criticism of my work makes me work harder than when I recieve a feigned compliment.

I'm working on one at the moment and should be able to put up music to it too soon. So start polishing your oxblood George Webbs ready to give it a good kicking.