Tuesday's Selection

rocky25 · 30-09-2008 11:05am #1

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,

"What’s your IQ?"

The man replied, "140."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,

"What’s your IQ?"

The man responded, "120."

So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him,

"What’s your IQ?"

The man replied, "65."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was my birthday yesterday and the wife asked if I wanted a blow job or a hand job.

Thinking that my luck was in, I said,

"I think I'll take the blow job option, please."

The wife replied, "Good choice.

If you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your f*cking fingers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.

To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jumps into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies,

"That's me before the operation."

~~~~~~~~~~
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair.

She loved to charge around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.

'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted

'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said 'On your way,Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor,

Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,

Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh,good grief,' yelled Ethel,

'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'