My dad died

LegacyUser

hey im 18 and my dad died last month suddenly

he was a wonderful man and its tough getting to terms with the whole thing.
sometimes i find myself upset with no warning.even the smallest things can set me off.i know its natural but the pain is unbearable at times.the memories of my dad are cruel at times because they are so real.

im especially worried bout my mum who was as close as can be to dad and how tough it is on her.

i was just wondering how other people coped with their own bereavement.(it doesnt have to be a parent)

thanks for reading

Dizzyblonde

I'm so sorry, you must be devastated by your loss. I don't have any answers for you, but I really do believe that your dad is still with you in spirit.
Time will help you to cope with the loss, and your mother too. Being there for each other and talking about your dad will help the grieving process.

Handsome Bob

tM2008 wrote: »

hey im 18 and my dad died last month suddenly

he was a wonderful man and its tough getting to terms with the whole thing.
sometimes i find myself upset with no warning.even the smallest things can set me off.i know its natural but the pain is unbearable at times.the memories of my dad are cruel at times because they are so real.

im especially worried bout my mum who was as close as can be to dad and how tough it is on her.

i was just wondering how other people coped with their own bereavement.(it doesnt have to be a parent)

thanks for reading

Hi OP, first of all, please accept my condolences.

I haven't lost a parent, but I've lost a godmother(she was my cousin too, and in truth, a sister I never had). The circumstances of her death drove me to absolute despair and the only thing that ever helped me to cope was to talk to people who loved my godmother as much as I did. What I'm saying is just share your feelings with the people who are sharing your grief, it will do you the world of good to vent.

You'll never get over it, but you'll learn to live with it in time.

Darragh29

Hi OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't compare my experience to yours, but I almost lost my Dad a few years ago and I can't watch ER or anything like that since that happened, as I was the one who brought him in to A & E and saw the whole recussication thing unfolding in front of me, so I can understand what you describe as an event that can set you off. I have to change channel if there is someone in intensive care or in an A & E situation, because it brings it all back, the terror of what was going on around me on that day, people trying to recussicate him and pump blood back into him quicker than he was losing it.

It was through the skill of the medical staff where he was brought who copped what was going on, more or less immediately and a bit of luck on his own part, he survived an event that should have caused his immediate death, but he survived and I still can't watch certain things on TV, and this is after he survived and recovered, so I can't imagine what you are feeling... I hope this makes sense...

ASIL1983

Im sorry to hear about your dad. My granda died in January and he was like a second dad to me so i kinda know what you are feeling. Its so tough i imagine the whole year will be tough. All i can say is that what gets me through is that i talk to him every night before i go to sleep and i ask him to show me that he is with me-which he does. I have also been to see a psychic which has helped me, she told me things about him that were great to hear confirmed from an outside person. Sending lots of love your way- feel free to send me a PM if you want someone to talk to.

mike65

My dad died when I was still quite young (and the internet message board had yet to be invented), I dunno if I coped at all. I was "lucky" in that he was self employed and had a contract to fill and so I had to pick up the pieces very quickly in all sorts of ways. My head was so full of practical things I never just sat down and thought about what had happened.

I could say talk about it with your sibblings/mother, freinds but even that can be damned hard, your mum will of course feel devastated and only those around her and time will get her through. Mine clasped me to her a day or two after dad passed and just broke down saying "what am I going to do?". I clearly had no wise consel at the time I was just there and needed to be.

You and the rest of the family will get past the shock and pain (and indeed anger) if only because life keeps getting in the way and stuff has to to get done.

Mike

mud

Hi OP, This is my recent experience:

My Godfather (Uncle) died in February following a six month hospitalisation for throat cancer. Although it was apparant towards the end that it was the end I couldn't prepare myself for it actually happening and was devastated when it did. The funeral was very tough but looking back on it I'm struck by the amount of people who were so so sad to see him pass.

It can really really help to talk to people who have special memories of your Dad, please don't worry if you well up or start crying, this is completely natural and a critical part of the grieving process and it can be a huge relief to let your emotions out, I find myself crying but inevitably smiling or laughing at a memory or story relating to my wonderful Uncle.


My Dad was the closest person in the world to my Uncle, they did so much together, matches, visiting, going for a couple of pints having the odd argument and delighting in being the one who would end up being proved right! I'm still not sure how to comfort him though, I know he'll never have a replacement for his brother and it's plain he knows it too. I just call in and chat and hope that we'll all feel better soon. There's a lot of unspoken grieving going on but slowly I'm adjusting to life as it is now.

If it helps I draw a big comfort from my Uncle's memory and a lot of things have gone right for me lately, I feel like I'm turning my life around, going back to school etc and I really like to think that it's due in some inexplicable way to my Godfather still looking out for me

Time will help you a little bit at the time! Don't worry about how much you are grieving, these feelings do fade, talk to your family and friends and finally may I say how sorry I am for your loss x m

snowey07

OP , condolences on your dads death.

My dad died just over a year ago and it does get easier. I still think about him every day and sometimes its tough but it does ease with time. Sometimes i remember vividly the atmosphere in the hospital and i feel sick but it passes.

For the moment look after your self and your mum. Your dad wouldnt want you getting sick through grief. Its taken a year but my mam is in a night class now and slowly meeting new people.

have you any brothers or sisters you can talk to? an aunt or uncle ? or maybe someone who didnt know your dad too well that you can just chat away to ?

best of luck.

MayMay

All I can say is that my thoughts are with you. I dread the day I lose a loved one. Take care of your Mum, be there for eachother, he is always with you, talk to him, he'll be listening x

G&T

So sorry for your loss,

Talk,talk,talk

To anyone who will listen,

Ring your dad's friends meet them for an hour
to talk about the good olde days,

Tell your barber/hair dresser what a great guy he was.

He is your dad forever so take your time finding
new ways to include his memory in your life.

LegacyUser

Hey man i really sorry about your Dad.

Last December I lost my Grandfather who was an amazing man. He was truly the centrepiece of the whole family. He had 7 children( one of them being my mother) and way more grandchildren. I remember I was in college and didn't come home some weekends(coming up to Xmas exams) and I knew he was getting sick and had bladder cancer and everything but I was told it wasn't really serious and with treatment, he would get another 3 years out of life anyway so that was a huge relief! I remember the second last weekend i was down and he was grand,albiet lost a good bit of weight, laughing away and everything(he was the biggest joker:)) and i felt so glad

Then the next weekend i was down(2 weeks later) I was told to prepare myself for the worst. And I was just thinking its just a weak point he'll bounce back so we coninued shopping. My mother was just putting on a brave face though. That friday night we went to the hospital and he was in a bad way.He died the next day. And i felt so so guilty cos i was just out that Thursday night having a great time.

Point is talk about it. I didn't and it got the better of me!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

My Dad died 13 years ago, I was 17 and just finished school. I know what your going through and wish you all the best for the rest of your life, because in my experience the hurt and pain never goes away...

However, that is not to say that you and your family cannot get on with living a happy life. Embrace His life, what He did, what He stood for. He sounds like a Good Man and they are always the ones that seem to be taken away, as my friend said to me "God needs good men by his side as well".

He will always be with you, and you with him.

Time will be a big help here, I know its the old cliche but it really does. Its what you do in this time that will help you. Talk about him, dont be afraid, talk about the silly things he did that made you laugh, and even the things he did that made you mad. Visit his grave, even talk to him if that helps, I know it has helped me and still does. At times of need I still go up and ask his advice, I know it sounds silly but it actually helps.

Be strong, take care of your mother, I know you feel bad but your mother has lived side by side with this Good Man all her life, so its obviously tough on her as well.

My thoughts are with you.

Colonel_McCoy

Hi Op,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, I have been there but I was a lot younger than you. I was almost 5. I still find it hard to this day. Cherish the memories you have together, never forget them (all i have are ones of him in hospital) , he will always be with you. Don't bottle your feelings talk to friends to family. You need to look out for your Mum, spend time with her, she will need your suppport and strength.

I know nobody words can comfort you, its a sh*t deal losing your father so young but always remember he loves you and will be looking over you.

Take care......

phaze

Please accept my sincerest condolences OP. It was my mother's 3rd anniversary on Saturday and her death was very unexpected so I can appreciate what you may be feeling.

It is completely natural to be getting upset at any time. Even still I will occassionally burst into tears even if I haven't been thinking about her. At your stage of grief it is so very raw and so very difficult to accept and understand. It gets worse before it gets better and you are probably in the worse stage now.

I found it very difficult to speak about the circumstances surrounding my mother's death. My Dad and sister were intensely angry and very vocal about it. My husband got me a pup though and I poured all of my need to love into that dog. Everyday I would bring her for a long walk and replay the week leading up to my mam's death in my head, bawl my eyes out and clear my head as best I can. Whatever works for you be it talking, writing, whatever.

As for your Mum.... I can really understand your concern for her. I too was preoccupied with how my Dad was coping, a lot more so than how I was coping myself. My Mam was his life and they literally did everything together. It's only now these few years later that I can see my Dad as the mature adult who has lived through a whole lot more than me. Yes, it was incredibly diefficult fo him. Yes, he was very lonely and angry. How could he not be when his partner of over 30 years had died? But your Mum will be okay in time. It won't be easy for her but she will be ok. Spend time with her. Let her talk to you about your Dad. Let her cry. But make sure you mind yourself too.

I know this is the timesless cliche but it's actually true. Time does heal.

My thought are with you and your family OP.

Scráib

I'm so sorry for your loss tm2008

Well while it's not nearly on the same scale I lost a my pet cat in April, he was 14 and slept on my bed all his life. I was cut up for days afterwards until I finally settled back into some semblence of normality.

But y'know what? After a while all I remembered were the good times. It's the same with my Grandparents who died a few years back, these days I think of them and smile. After a while you'll start to remember the good times and the positive things instead of the negative ones.

As much as you can focus on the positive things about him.

LegacyUser

First of all my heart goes out to you and the rest of your family for your terrible loss. The shock of the loss leaves you in bits for weeks, and comes back to torment you at the most unexpected moments. But if it is permitted under board rules I'd like to suggest a book you could read which will ease the pain. The book explains the distinction between our human bodies and the soul and the journey the soul travels. It doesn't promote any religion but because reincarnation is a theme it may not be suitable reading for your Mum if she is a strong Catholic. Title is 'Journey of Souls' by Dr Michael Newton.
Your Dad is with you and your family and is enjoying everlasting life as his soul lives on forever. Also remember that your Dad's soul was the main essence of the man you knew and according to that book you will meet him again, both as a soul and as a human.

Be there for your Mum, offer her a comforting hug whenever you can. Don't leave her on her own but at the same time give her some space too (just be in the house with her), and remember although upsetting talk as much as you can to her about him, wear your Dad with pride and share your love for the man with her.

I wish you the very best.

NoelJ

I know how you feel cause I lost my best mate when I was 16. Talking was the best cure for me as I realised I wasnt the only one that felt this way. Memories are always going to be there and with time the memories will make you happy to remember the person.

Talking to your mom can be good as I became closer and talked to my parents more around this time.

A day doesnt go by where I dont think about it and its been 3 years. You dont forget it but thats cause someone is so important to you that you'll never want to forget them

Time helps you come to terms with it.

LegacyUser

tM2008 wrote: »

hey im 18 and my dad died last month suddenly
he was a wonderful man and its tough getting to terms with the whole thing.
sometimes i find myself upset with no warning.even the smallest things can set me off.i know its natural but the pain is unbearable at times.the memories of my dad are cruel at times because they are so real. im especially worried bout my mum who was as close as can be to dad and how tough it is on her. i was just wondering how other people coped with their own bereavement.(it doesnt have to be a parent) thanks for reading

Op I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I havent lost a parent but i have lost quite a few very close relations in the past 3yrs. Two i dearly miss, Both my Grandads. My dad's Dad died after a very long battle with cancer exactly 7days b4 my 21st. He was my 2nd dad i was the eldest grandchild he had and also the last grandchild to see him hrs before his passing. He made my dad promise him that my 21st bday party would go ahead. I didnt know of the promise until the funeral. I carry a picture of my grandad in my locket (I'm a female). My mam's Dad died with Cancer exactly 17months later. I was always told "Time heals all sorrows" And yes i agree with it. Right now you are grieving and happy thoughts of your dad will bring you into a euphoric sense of feeling. Never let those fun loving happy memories go. Grief itself will get more bearable with time. My thoughts are with you and your family. Best of luck x

girl2

Hello

My heart breaks for you. Please accept my most sincerest sympathy to you and your whole family.

I lost my da in March. So I am a few months ahead of you in this. I am 31, so Im a bit older than you too.

I found in fact that I was ok in the month or two after he died (I was very upset in the first few days of his death, but this passed). It was as time went on, that I became very upset. Maybe because it was the enormity of his death had just hit me, I dont really know. But like you, I would get upset at the smallest thing. I would look at a photo he took (he loved to take photos), I would look at his favourite seat, I would think about times I should have took him out and about with me, and I would break down.

Understand that your daddy was the main male role model you will ever have had in your life. No one is ever going to replace him, and no one is ever going to have the same influence or share the same experiences as you two had. And the enormity that he is no longer going to be there for any milestones in your life is very very difficult.

But it will get easier, I find days where it is fine, where I dont get upset at all, and then there are days when its tough. You will find this too.

I hope you are ok, and I can only advise that you find some solace in your close family members and friends. You have every right to be heartbroken and you have every right to talk openly how you feel.

I wish you the best and hope this has been of some use to you.

C

LegacyUser

i just want to say thanks to each and everyone of you for your sympathy.

it means so much that i can just turn on the computer and have people who don't even know my face, consoling me,feeling for me and sympathizing with me.

i don't want this thread to be only about my loss because many other people have been through such periods of grief.

so feel free to tell your own story because its comforting to for me(and im sure others) know that others have been there before and that everyone can help people who will sadly go through this after me.

its very moving to have people expressing such sympathy..not only to me but to everyone who has lost someone(or a pet - scráib) close to their hearts

heartfelt thanks again to all for your beautiful messages.

Heckler

Lost my dad bout 3 years ago. I was 31, he was 76. Must be a lot harder for a guy the OP's age. Dealt pretty well I think but sometimes for no particular reason something totally silly can set me off.

My condolences to you. The "time is a healer" adage is a trite cliche but its also true.

Also I have regrets with regard to things i did or didn't do/say with my old man and I'm trying not to make the same mistakes with my Mum. Not saying you didn't appreciate your dad but sometimes you may not know what you had till its gone.

Darragh29

I don't know why I'm posting this, it's just something that stuck out in my mind, this song:

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=_l5yHuiWj-g&feature=related

...was on the radio when I was frantically driving my father to hospital when he was dying, on the way to St. James. The surgeon who copped what was killing him was a small Afgan medical student, the same age as me. My first thought was that he would be more at home in a marketplace in Kandahar waving an automatic machine gun and telling me why I should believe in Allah and how I would suffer all the wraths that I could possibly suffer for being an infidel.

While my old man was being recussicated & triaged, this young Asian lad passed me a few times, as he was going in and out of the trauma room. Unknown to me at the time, God orbid my ignornace, he was the A & E consultant, the book stopped with him, he had identified what the problem was, an Aortic Aneurysm.

There was a couple sitting on a row of seats outside the rucissation room, not elderly but probably in their fifties, I don't know why they were there, maybe a relative with a broken arm, in any event, they seemed in control and for them, there wasn't a life or death situation unfolding.

I remember seeing am empty seat beside them and I sat there. My dad had been swept into the recussitation room in front of me and this couple. They didn't want to turn around, neither did I, they just knew that my troubles were about to become much worse than theirs, but still they couldn't look at me.

The old man that I had never got on with, and spent my teenage years arguing with, breathing his last and I of all people, the witness to his last moments, this bizarre spectacle opening up in front of me, he losing his human complexion by the minute and turning into the colour of grey limestone, not that I could see his face for the number of surgeons trying to keep him alive, but I could see his feet, the intern calling on a phone for more blood, the A & E surgeon beginning to make life saving incision marks down my old mans stomach, because time was of the eccence, so that the surgeon who would be carrying out the operation, might have a small advantage and be able to save him...

Then the surgeon who I had consigned to the poppy fields of the Helmand province, sat down beside me and put his arm around me and took my hand witha firm manly grip, with a clip board in his other hand.

As I sat on my arse in a corner just outside the recussication room, with ten years of tears regret flowing from me, and all sorts of emotional baggage running down my face, he told me that my old man had 5-10 minutes to live, if they couldn't operate within that time, he would blead to death due to a ruptured Aortic Aneurysm. I had to sign what he had on the clip board or else my old man would die within 10 minutes and he assured me that he would assist the surgeon who would carry out the life saving opporation, and that the theatre had been cleared for my auld lad, such was the severity of his condition. I never had a surgeon holding my hand, but I couldn't have signed that form if I didn't have this surgeon holding my elbow and holding me up, as I scribbled the consent on the clipboard....

Beruthiel

So sorry about your Da OP.
Yes your Ma is probably going through hell, as are you all.
She will appreciate the little things from you, a cup of tea, tidying up around the house, cooking the odd dinner, practical stuff that she will find difficult to do at this time.
It's wonderful you want to help her, but in the process, don't forget yourself.
As others have said, time will heal, but in the mean time, lots of love and hugs and hot cups of tea.

not yet

My sisters husband died 3 years ago, his daughter was 18 at the time, I really thought she would not be able to cope, my heart broke for her, but little by little, day by day, the pain got a tiny bit easier.

She now has great memories of her dad and can chat about him and smile. It still hurts like hell but at least that all consuming grief has passed.

So I guess what i'm saying is give it time kiddo.

Mr. Incognito

hi there.

Sorry for your loss.

My Dad died in January from prostate cancer. I posted here and found that it was a comfort at the time too.

You see life going on around you and it's hard when yours has just stopped.

I found the first few months were a shock and it's only when you return to normality so to speak two or three months later that it's hits you. Talk to your siblings and family. They'll know how you are feeling.

The world seems less bright and less exciting at times. No-one will ever replace your father. I wrote him a letter and sent it to my family as I'm much better on expressing myself that way and I found it quite the help. I also wrote it for me so that I would remember the little things about him when I got older as I was terrified of forgetting something about him. Memories are all I have now.

Don't hide it. Don't be afraid to cry or ask for help. It'll only happen once in your life.

Chin up, I know you won't believe it because your heart is creaking but time is a great healer though you'll never forget.

Linoge

tM2008 wrote: »

hey im 18 and my dad died last month suddenly

he was a wonderful man and its tough getting to terms with the whole thing.
sometimes i find myself upset with no warning.even the smallest things can set me off.i know its natural but the pain is unbearable at times.the memories of my dad are cruel at times because they are so real.

im especially worried bout my mum who was as close as can be to dad and how tough it is on her.

i was just wondering how other people coped with their own bereavement.(it doesnt have to be a parent)

thanks for reading

Hey OP, sorry to hear about your da. My father died there last month too and my mother died when I was younger again so I know what you're prob going through. In all honesty I do feel jealous at people my age that still have nearly all of their grandparents, nevermind their parents. It all seems so unfair. There will be none of my parents at my wedding when i get married, nobody to see the house you just bought and tell you how nice it is, none of that type of parental support at all now. The only thing that I keep thinking of is that it could be worse, they could have died when I was an infant and i would never have had any of those relatively short years with them.

paperclip2

I'm sorry about your Dad OP.

My brother was killed in a car accident a year and a half ago. At this stage the grief kind of hits in waves, theres good moments in bad days and bad moments in good days. The things that I associate with him like particular songs on the radio or even the way sunlight comes in through a window will wake up a memory and it sticks me to the floor. There are times when I miss him so much that I literally ache to give him a hug and I have been caught hugging the headstone, its as close as I can get.

Dealing with loss is different for everyone, how my parents have dealt with it is different from how I cope which is different from how my sister deals with it. Theres no one 'right' way. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm resigned, sometimes I put lots of energy into metaphorically putting my fingers in my ears and going 'la la la la la' so I can't hear the little voice thats eternally reminding me that he's gone.

The 'shape' of our family has changed, it used to be me, my brother and my sister. Now there is a gap and slowly other things move in to take up the part of the world that my brother filled. And thats natural and normal, but it hurts like hell, that the only place he's really real anymore is in my head.

To be honest I haven't found that time 'heals' anything. I think you just get better at living with it. Its like moving further away from ground zero. Up close the loss is the only thing that you can see or focus on but the greater the distance from it the more your vision can include, like those good minutes in the bad days.

Mind yourself OP. Give yourself lots of time and be gentle with yourself and your family.

Take care.

von Neumann

Hi OP, I really feel for you right now.....these are some of the thoughest days of your life.

My own dad passed ways, 22 years ago, and to this day I still have moments of sadness.
On the other side, I can stop and think of fond memories and it makes me really smile.

The only advise I can give you to make space for how you feel, stop ever now and then and just think about it.

People are right, when they say life goes on, it does and it's great,
But don't be rushed either by others or yourself as it's a lot to deal with and takes time.

LegacyUser

So sorry for your loss OP

I lost my dad suddenly nearly a year ago. I can understand totally about the being upset without warning, last week walking through a shopping center a song came on, one that my dad loved and I found myself tearing up. I know I have gotten a few headaches from holding the tears back out in public.

The way my brother, mum and I dealt with it was by always remembering my dad with a smile. A week or so after he died, we went over to his house to sort through things, we put on his favourite music, went though the books he loved, dvds he watched, and shared memories and few tears about the good times. I think it was important for us not dwell on the death/way he died ( I know it is so hard sometimes), but to bring him up in conversation, if we heard a funny story, we would say...ah dad would have loved that. This helped so much.

And as others have said it gets easier with time.

MizzLolly

Hey OP,

I'm so sorry to read your story. Losing somebody like that is so hard but I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I lost a parent. I think you're very brave to be posting your feelings so soon.

A few years back my family went through a hard time. My Godmother (who used to say me and her daughter were the 'terrible twins') died suddenly. I still can't believe it and it was almost six years ago. I can remember being told about it and being upset but it not really 'hitting'. Though I found that when I'd sleep, my dreams would seem so real and like you said, it's cruel how it freezes you. A few months later my uncle died. The whole family was just stunned and it was so exhausting emotionally. To add to that, my other uncle had an accident and died shortly afterwards and then my cousin died the year after. There were so many sudden, young deaths that the first one never really got a chance to heal or 'sink in'. That was very painful for me because I used to always look at my cousins/aunts etc.. and feel heartbroken, wishing I could make them feel better. I paid very little attention to how I was actually feeling.

The reason I mentioned this is because in your post you said how horrible your mam must be feeling right now. Well, please don't exclude yourself here. Sometimes you can run around trying to help eveyone else's grief without dealing with your own. You're so brave and admirable to be worried about your family like this but do make sure you allow yourself to be taken care of aswell. I can't even imagine what you're going through, I'm lucky to still have both of my parents. (after all the deaths mentioned above I used to be terrified something would happen) and I always wondered how people coped. I know I can't really offer any advice that will make it any easier, I just decided I'd share my experience with you as you asked and to stress how you need to look out for yourself aswell.

Sit down and talk with your mam, don't be afraid to let it all out. I promise you, she's just as heartbroken for you guys too. Go speak with her and remember him together.

Take Care

x

paperclip2

Firstly to the OP,I'm sorry for your loss.
I know how you feel.
I lost my Da nearly 10 years ago and my Mum last year.
Mum dying was particularally difficult because apart from the love you have for your parents , there the great big thing that the entire reason for your being not just half of it has now gone and you are the next generation.

It's difficult,it's tough,it's a major shock.It's a shock actually that never really leaves you.You just cope better with it in time.
Be glad that you had 18 years with your Father and be there for your Mum is what I'd say to you.
I was at a cancer funeral the other day,where the guy who died had 3 small children under five and one under a year.They didn't have a chance to get to know him.
Don't be disappointed with the fact that you need attention for a time aswell yourself.
Don't feel guilty about that.

paperclip2 wrote: »

To be honest I haven't found that time 'heals' anything. I think you just get better at living with it. Its like moving further away from ground zero. Up close the loss is the only thing that you can see or focus on but the greater the distance from it the more your vision can include, like those good minutes in the bad days.

You I think are only begining to find out what time does to the hurt and the disbelief of death.
Yes and you sum it up well.
Of course you will have moments when you will be tearfull.As time goes on one should try to concentrate on the happy memories,the funny things that they did and said.But you will still feel tearfull.
My Mum for instance lost her brother when he was 17.
40 years later she still felt the hurt.
Thats in everyone that has had a loss and always will be,it's part of life.
It's just as time moves on-people you see every day who have had bereavements aren't talking as much about it unless they are asked.

Incidently-even though it's all part of life-I've found the sense of disbelief palpable.It's uncanny that way.Logic tells you that every living thing on this earth including yourselve and people close to you will die but accepting it is hard when it happens and in my experience anyway the disbelief stays.

Naked Lepper

tM2008 wrote: »

hey im 18 and my dad died last month suddenly

he was a wonderful man and its tough getting to terms with the whole thing.
sometimes i find myself upset with no warning.even the smallest things can set me off.i know its natural but the pain is unbearable at times.the memories of my dad are cruel at times because they are so real.

im especially worried bout my mum who was as close as can be to dad and how tough it is on her.

i was just wondering how other people coped with their own bereavement.(it doesnt have to be a parent)

thanks for reading

Its over 2 years since my dad died suddenly

It definitely gets easier but you still have **** days and feel pain, just in a different way

make sure you stay close to your family and friends, talk to people and let your emotions out.

Sorry to hear the news btw, a death in family always sucks

LegacyUser

likewise I was close to my dad who died just over 2 years ago. Miss him terribly when I think about it. It gets a little easier with time but still miss him terribly.

Talking to friends and just say whats on your mind helps enormously. People do listen and have a warm ear for these situations. How I cope myself is still thinking he's still alive at home and when I'm at home I think of it as he's just popped out somewhere. I always remember him positively then. I just don't think of the death part.

As for your mum .. similarily my mum was extremely close. She will always miss him .. she will get lonely and stuff which is inevitable but what she does is keep busy everyday.

Like get out of the house, go shopping, go visit someone, get hair done, take a trip somewhere, try and get mobile - like drive or get bus/train but get out of the house and be active. This really helps my mum. Like she's blinkin' out of the house more than I am which is great.

Find something that works for you and your mum. Help each other .. it's what your dad would like. This is what works for me and my mum and is only an example.

marlie2005

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss ..

My Dad also died (suddenly) when I was 18, just 2 months before my leaving cert and it crushed me.. My Dad was my life and we did everything together all the time, in a way I was raised by Him ..

It was the most fightening part of my life and I felt so empty. For a very long time I couldn't bring myself to talk about him or even look at photo's as it would reduce me to tears..

I came across a photo of him by accident the other day and after 11 years it brought me some comfort, I felt that he has been with me all along... saying that I can't go to the graveyard without breaking down..

Have to say I do still really miss Him alot and would love him to be part of my life and to introduce him to his Grandchildren would be the best thing ever..

Can't say much more ,crying again already ..

carlowguy32

sorry for you loss op, these are very tough times but it is so true about time being a great healer, i lost my mother 8 yrs ago and the guilt and loss i felt was unbearable at times, something small will just set you off, i did go to councelling and helped a great deal as i was in unknown territory and it guided me in the right direction, i can only say that it does get easier but now i have children that never met her and that is a pity but you just have to get on with it

Slaygal

First of all, I'm really really sorry to hear your Dad has passed away. My Dad passed away 10 years ago. For the first 5 or 6 months I was like a zombie and so was my Mum.
My Mum and Dad did everything together so like your Mum it was extra difficult to lose her best friend and husband.
Please believe me it does get better but it takes time.
The best advice I can give you is talk to your Mum about how you're feeling and ask her how's she's coping ? Give her lots of hugs. Talk about your Dad as much as possible, the funny or silly things he did, the times he drove you mad and the times he said or showed that he loved you and your Mum. Cry, laugh, scream shout, get mad but don't bottle up your feelings. I just want to give you a big hug and let you know it will get better.

I know it's difficult now but try to remember how lucky you are to have a had a Father that you loved and he loved you.

wasper

tM2008 wrote: »

hey im 18 and my dad died last month suddenly

he was a wonderful man and its tough getting to terms with the whole thing.
sometimes i find myself upset with no warning.even the smallest things can set me off.i know its natural but the pain is unbearable at times.the memories of my dad are cruel at times because they are so real.

im especially worried bout my mum who was as close as can be to dad and how tough it is on her.

i was just wondering how other people coped with their own bereavement.(it doesnt have to be a parent)

thanks for reading

My deepest sympathy. I did lose my father. I hadn't seen him for 12 years prior to that. So the pain was double. I too used to cry over his memory & specially at night. The pain gets less, but it will not disappear. I learned to cope with it after 16 years. I still shed a tear now and then but I am strong & you should be too in time. But do not let the lose overpower you & stop you from enjoying life too.

TargetWidow

My heart goes out to you. I was 28 when my dad got mrsa after an operation and died after 6 months of lingering. It was heartbreaking to see how much my mam missed him. I never really got on super-famously with him as my older sister was his pet but in his way we had our own little connections and plenty of disagreements because as I now realise, I'm very like him.

Losing a parent for me was the first real step towards adulthood even though I was 28 when it happened. Like others here have said, be gentle with yourself and your siblings, (my family was ripped apart and it was hard to be with them) and try to offer some comfort to your mam. I did the whole mortuary card thing choosing the pictures and verses and ordering them and sending them out with mam and it really helped her. We were even able to remember nice funny things while we figured it out. His mam (my nan) passed away 5 months later and my own mam two years after that.

It took time to begin to really understand that they were really gone. Now years later I can remember them for the fun times, and having just had my own first child it makes me a little sad that they're not here for that, but I like to think of them as looking after me (I was in a car crash that should have killed me by the state of the car and all the ambulance men said was that the car just folded in around me like someone was minding me!), and my little girl.

I had a hard time accepting my mam passing away so after six months on the couch I went to bereavement therapy which really helped. After that I did a bereavement workshop based on saying goodbye and it was my first step in coming back to life myself.

I'll light a candle for you and your family tonight and ask that you all come through this safely. Keep on talking it out for as long as you need to, sometimes people who've not experienced it can give you an "o god here they go again" vibe after a few weeks or months,but you just find someone supportive who knows the terrritory and keep on talking. You will never stop missing him, but the pain will change into something warm and nice when you think of him eventually and you will remember only the nice things. Take care.

MJOR

Hi OP,

So very sorry for your loss. It's a hard time for your family and my thoughts are with you x

I have lost both my parents, my mom died and being the youngest and only one at home i was there with my dad for a few years. While you need to support your mom you have to realise that you too need to grieve (something i wasn't really aware of). There wasn't a day went by that my Dad didn't mention her.

I bottled some of it up trying to be strong. After my dad died I was upset and found it tougher because I hadn't really grieved properly for my mom.

My only piece of advice is if need to cry do it. If somethings upsetting you, you're allowed to have those emotions.

It does get easier I promise. Even now nearly eight years after my mom, four years after my dads passing sometimes on a birthday or the fact that I'm planning a wedding without them still gives me a lump in my throat.

Just concentrate day by day on it and it will get easier... there are lots of emotions at this time... sadness, anger,loss and sometimes i used to feel mguilty about smiling or laughing at something on the telly. Make aure you use your friends as a support network..mine were and still are amazing.

Nobody can tell you how to grieve it's an entirely personal experience but talking definately help. Talk to your mom about the things you loved, it'll help her to know you remember the good times and will help her too xxxx

Lao Lao

Hey OP - I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad. I know where you are coming from. My mam died 9 years ago and at the time I was only 21.

I really struggled to deal with it back then and even now I still miss her, that will never change but without wanting to sound like a cliche, time really does heal the pain.

I know you will want to be there and be strong for your mam but please remember that you also have to grieve for yourself. Whatever you do, don't bottle it up, trust me on this one, it isn't a good idea!

You will also most likely have moments when it just hits you totally out of the blue. I remember sitting in Bewleys cafe one morning having breakfast. My mam used to always cut the middle bit out of her tomato and for some strange reason, that morning I did the same. Suddenly it hit me, why I was doing it and I just broke down in flood of tears. The whole of Bewleys sat there along with my GF looking at me like I was a weirdo. I can laugh about it now but I can also realise just how important it is to let things out.

Like other posters have said, talk about your Dad to people a lot. It helps you to remember (not that you will ever forget) just how good a man he was and just how many peoples lives he touched.

One thing to note is that often (sorry to say this) is that the first month or two is the easy part. This is when you have loads of friends and family constantly around you fussing and fretting over you and it's hard to find time to actully sit down and take it all in. It's only after this time that friends and extended family have to get back to their own lives. They'll always be there for you but life brings up so much to do, that they need to get about it. It'll be then that you'll feel the loss of your Dad most.

I best advice is to keep busy, keep talking about him and never bottle up your feelings on it, it will eventually get better, I promise.

Both you and your family are in my thoughts

flynnser19

my friend at work died lately as a result of suicide!!!i feel that it hits me in waves...there's days where i can talk about him no problem and we laugh about stuff he used to do and all and how good he was about house partys in his house and stupid things like that....but then other days i get so f*cking angry i just cry and i just dont understand why he did it!!!i find though that by talking about him it helps me, the memorys are painful sometimes but theyre good memories at the same time!!!i do believe in talking through your problems and i wish that my friend had of talked his problems out wiht us too!!!!so dont be ashamed of how your feeling!!!!

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I sorta know how you feel. When i was 16 (about two years ago), my sister died suddenly in her sleep. She was in college in england at the time and had just been back to visit for a week. I remember when she was back she had some tratment done for her acne. She was gorgeous but had mild acne all true her teens. she had planned to get something to get rid of it for years and finally decided to get it done.

She went back to england on a monday. And the tuesday morning, i woke up and did my paper round and came home. I was in a great mood that morning because i was just starting forth year and was having a good summer. The doorbell rang and i answered it. Two Guards. They asked to see my parents so i got my mum. My brother was due to be flying back from Brazil that afternoon and she had heard something on the news about a plane crash in Brazil and was really worried. She went nuts when i told her there were two gards at the door.

They told her they had bad news and she broke into tears thinking her son had died. When they explained it was my sister it was horrible because we realised that my brother was alive but my sister was dead. Relief and agony at the same time. The morning after was aweful. I woke up thinking that everything was ok. I thought it was all a dream for a few seconds then it slowly dawned on me that it was really happening.

The weeks after this were hard but the worst part is getting back to regular life. Everybody slowly forgets about what happened except for you. I was in school at the time and it was aweful. My personality changed completely and i knew people were worried about me. The problem was, i was keeping in my emotions. I don't know why i did it. My parents and my brothers got really angry at me because i never talked about her. They thought that i didnt care but in reality i cared so much about i couldn't bear to even say her name. I tried to hide my emotions and hoped that the pain would go away. It slowly did but took two years.

It's gone now and i can talk about her for hours. The way i got over it was to let out my emotions completely. Just this year before the leaving cert, my year head took me into his office to have a chat. I knew what he wanted to talk about and wasn't really up for it. But I just let out all my emotions and talked and talked and didnt care how much i cried. After that things slowly got better.

Seriously, don't do what i did. Don't sit there and pretend it never happened. Don't hold back the tears. If you feel the need to cry just go into some toilets and let loose. I've had to do this lots of times in school. Don't try to avoid the pain and dont hide your emotions from yourself. If you feel angry, punch something.

It gets better. I'm sorry for you loss. Just never forget him and don't let him be forgotten. It's really great to have this memory of someone special, someone you can pray to and talk to. good luck. RIP