Intimacy Gone

LegacyUser

This could be a long one so sorry in advance!!

Long time boards member but going unreg for this.

So I’m with the OH for 8 years. We’re both 28.

We met in college and the relationship got very serious, very quickly. We were best friends, shared a group of mutual friends, shared lots of interests, fancied each other like crazy and had mind blowing sex. We basically got on like a house on fire. And the spark never left us, it was the perfect relationship... or so I thought.

After college (going out 3 years at this point) we were hoping to move in together and had started shopping around. We found the perfect place close to where I had just started working. Then out of the blue she was offered a really good job in Cork (where she is originally from) and so she accepted and moved back to live with her parents. She had never suggested that going home was what she wanted so I took all this pretty badly. But I accepted her decision. I was already settled in my job in Dublin and didn’t want to lose the apartment we were looking at so I told her I was staying put and buying myself. It was hard going but ending the relationship was never an option. So we would talk on the phone every night and I would go down to her every Friday evening after work and head home on the Monday morning for work. The weekends were always great fun and we were still having amazing sex and getting on great. So fast-forward two years and she says she wants to move back to Dublin. I’d never been happier.... until she arrived that is.

She moved in with me shortly after our 5 year anniversary. Things were great for about a week until I came home to find her crying her eyes out one night. After I calmed her down she started talking... it’s a conversation I wish never happened. She basically told me that she cheated when we just started going out, with a mutual friend of ours. It happened over a few weeks at a time when she was unsure if she wanted a steady relationship with me. I was devastated but could understand how it happened. She thought I’d want to leave her but I told her we had moved on as people now and not to dwell on the past but if it ever happened again I’d never speak to her again. It was total honesty from now on or I didn’t want to know her. She listens and then says “ok, I’ll be totally honest...” I thought I was going to be sick but I let her talk. She talked at great length about how she uses chat rooms, porn whilst masturbating and how she fantasises about other people when she’s with me. She went into great detail, describing who she fantasises about and scenarios. Friends, family members, you name it... she said it. I should’ve just stopped her but it was like a car crash... I just sat there and listened. When she was done she went to pack but I stopped her... I mean I look at porn, I have a healthy sexual mind, she was just being a normal, sexual person right?? I just told her to be honest with me... and if she had fantasies we could discuss them if she wanted, to help us grow as a couple.

Things since have gone on a slippy slope. At the start, whenever we were around the friends she mentioned as her “fantasies” I got very jealous and often would just go home early without explanation. Stupid I know but it gradually got a lot easier and I acted like less of a baby. What didn’t improve was our sex life. Ever since she started being honest, things have totally changed. Twice a day was replaced with twice a week... then twice a month. And the quality is gone... she’s holding herself back and sometimes stops midway, apologises, says she’s trying to relax but can’t and she either tells me to quickly finish up or we agree to try again later. I’ve tried everything to help her just relax and get back to ‘normal’. Kinky weekends away, romantic dinners, watching romantic movies, long heartfelt discussions... all lead to nothing. She says she doesn’t want to ‘let me down’ again.

I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. It’s been 3 years since it all started. The lack of intimacy has affected other aspects of our relationship. We seem to fight all the time and although I love her with all my heart, at times I feel like she’d be better off having a fresh start with someone else so one night of crazy ‘honesty’ won’t come back to haunt her every day.

I really don’t know what I expect to hear from people here, think I just needed to vent somewhere. Thanks all for reading (Sorry it was so long!!)

TheZohanS

She opend up to you regarding fantasies and you did in a way throw it back at her by leaving when you met those friends out. Now she mght be feeling vunerable and a bit ashamed.

Have you thought about telling her some of your fantasies? (Remember you don't have to act them out). It wil leave the two of you on a more level playing field and make her more interesed in sex again and might ease any guilt she's feeling for being so open with you.

Sounds like she is holding back big time.

trio

Yeah, she knows that you're repulsed and can't forget it and she's ashamed. And she knows pure well when you're having sex that you're wondering if she's imagining someone else. And she's embarressed and certainly can't actually do any of the fantasising she told you about anymore because you'd know and hate it.

Mind you, I don't blame you either because FAMILY MEMBERS?? Seriously? Please God let them be your family members and not hers!

And I have to say that if my OH said that he was regularly fantasising about my pals whilst having sex with me, I'd find it bloody hard to be in a pub with him laughing away with them too.

I think possibly the ship has sailed, sadly. I'm not sure all the counselling in the world could take the mental images out of your mind, or rebuild the trust. You'll always be wondering if she's in chat rooms or whatever. If you do get your great sex life back and she lets herself go, you'll always be wondering if it's because of your moves or because of some random fantasy person in her head.

Such a shame, I feel terrible for you. Just shows you, some conversations are definately better left unsaid.

seraphimvc

as the above posters said,a bad situation you are stucked indeed :S

i guess deep down both of you love each others very much(after all these years ffs!),so maybe OP you can try to take it easy.its past.you have to 'forgive' her.for her fantasies part,they're just her fantasies,they are not real!convinced her and yourself.maybe talk to her with 100% honesty of what you have in mind would help too.

goodluck chunk!

LegacyUser

simple answer......get out of the relationship before you have children together. Your relationship is dysfunctional, it's damaged goods and as an earlier poster put it, the ship has already sailed.

Sleepy

Have ye thought about relationship counselling? I'm sure organisation like Relate could help as it sounds like you've both got quite a lot invested in the relationship and have come some of the way to working past this yourselves...

You mentioned 'kinky' weekends away but have you just gone away together or have you actually ratched up the kink factor on those weekends just to let her know that you don't think she's a freak for having fantasies and a high sex drive?