Pregnant & broken up with the Dad

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

I'm gonna try keep this as short as possible. I was going out with a guy for about 5 months, things were going great, we really hit it of & we were both really into each other. We both introduced each other to our friends and family & everything was looking good.

About a month ago I discovered I was pregnant, it came as a total shock as we were always careful & it was definitley not planned as we are both in our late teens & early 20s. When I told him the news, he turned saying "I trapped him" and basically that he wanted me to get rid of the baby.

Obviously after alot of thought I decided that I could not abort the child as it is against my principles. Since then we haven't spoken at all and he says he wants nothing to do with the child EVER!!!!

I'm really hurt & confused & don't know what to do about the situation. Like should I give him space to come to terms with everything(How long should I give it?) Should I tell his parents?

I don't want my child growing up not knowing who its father is but I'm worried to do anything incase I make the situation any worse.

Just need some advice on what other people think of the situation THANKS

Karen_*

Hiya OP. Its a very tough situation to be in and I really feel for you. I was in the same situation myself when I was 19 and I kept the baby and he's now a moody teenager. But I do love him to bits and although he has me broke I wouldn't be without him. You'll never regret keeping the baby.

I think you should just start planning your future without him and let him be. Possibly take him to court for maintenance when the child is born but if he doesn't actually want to see the child then you can't force him. But yes do tell his parents as they might like the chance to get to know their grandchild and hopefully will make him see sense. Don't be surprised though if they aren't exactly welcoming to you though.

Bear in mind as well that hes probably pretty terrified and shocked so give him a chance to get used to the idea and he might change his tune. In the meantime tell your own parents and go and get some advice from Cura or some pregnancy counselling service.

LegacyUser

I'm just so hurt over the whole situation, I never wanted things to end up like this. I'm just wondering would that be interfering if I told his parents?? If he didnt want to see his own child I would not be bothered trying to get money of him as to me that gives him all the ammo to say that I "trapped him" so I could get money of him,if that makes sense?? Also how long should I give him to come to terms with everything??

Bottle_of_Smoke

He could well come around, perhaps he's hopeing you'll abort.

Don't tell his parents, he needs to do that in his own time, you start spouting to them & he'll never trust you. He'll tell them before he risks them seeing you pregnant.

Did you break up over the baby or did it happen before you found out?

Are you both in college/school? If you can afford it maybe say to him he doesn't have to pay maintennance until he's working.

Don't bombard him with contact, explain you didn't do it to trap him & you won't insist on a relationship unless he actually wants it, but give him a few weeks and ensure he knows the problem isn't going away.

If you can keep a friendly relationship going he'll probably change his tune when the baby is born, men can be very devoted if they're not pressured.

Don't become a control freak, it's just breeding ground for resentment.

Best of luck.

Scoobydoobydoo

You poor thing, this is so tough for you. I'm sorry this guy turned out not to be who you thought he was, and it's not much comfort, but at least you know now, before your child is born, that you wouldn't be able to rely on him for support.
You are very brave to decide to go it alone, for now anyway. If I were you, I'd probably try to focus on myself and the baby, hard as it is, you can't be worrying about him as well. It seems to me, you are having to be a grown up and face this, and he is being a child and running away. It's hard to give advice to a stranger, but I would probably give him a month of space, and then see where he's at. After that, if he hasn't told his parents, I would do it. Not to annoy him, but if he's not going to do it, they may be upset if they find out late in the day, and they could blame you also for not letting them know. They have a right to know, just as much as your parents do, no matter what their son is like. They may react badly, they may be supportive, you don't know.
The main thing for you, I think, is that you focus on your own wellbeing, and heartbreaking as it is, I think you've got to get over this guy. Unfortunately, you've now got to be practical about things, and if I were you, I'd look into the child support thing as well, so you'll know where you stand. Find out where your nearest Citizen Information Centre is and just make enquiries. Don't mention this to him yet, because he's obviously extremely immature, so mentioning this may just antagonise him, and this will just put more stress on yourself. In his twisted way of thinking, you're to blame for a huge mess, even though he is equally responsible, so I think you need to distance yourself emotionally from him.

You need to give him space, but also for yourself, because you need to get used to this double shock. I wouldn't say anything to his parents for a while, because your emotions and hormones may be in control of your words, and that is not ideal. Give yourself some time, think everything through, look after yourself, enjoy your pregnancy - it may be the most important and exciting thing you ever do, savour it! You're a brave girl, be proud of yourself!

Mr. Incognito

Space my arse.

This guy needs to grow up. This baby isn't going to go away.

My son is three and a half, also unplanned, with a girl that was a half stranger at the time. We sat down and had an adult chat about it and it's worked out really great.

Explain to him calmly that this child is coming whether he likes it or not, sure he's in shock but you don't need this head-wreck for the next 7/8 months.

I wouldn't approach his parents but does he have an older sibling of his you could talk to that will be able to sit him down and give him a kick up the arse?

TheZohanS

Big bump wrote: »

Hey Guys,

I'm gonna try keep this as short as possible. I was going out with a guy for about 5 months, things were going great, we really hit it of & we were both really into each other. We both introduced each other to our friends and family & everything was looking good.

About a month ago I discovered I was pregnant, it came as a total shock as we were always careful & it was definitley not planned as we are both in our late teens & early 20s. When I told him the news, he turned saying "I trapped him" and basically that he wanted me to get rid of the baby.

Obviously after alot of thought I decided that I could not abort the child as it is against my principles. Since then we haven't spoken at all and he says he wants nothing to do with the child EVER!!!!

I'm really hurt & confused & don't know what to do about the situation. Like should I give him space to come to terms with everything(How long should I give it?) Should I tell his parents?

I don't want my child growing up not knowing who its father is but I'm worried to do anything incase I make the situation any worse.

Just need some advice on what other people think of the situation THANKS

SetantaL wrote: »

Space my arse.

This guy needs to grow up. This baby isn't going to go away.

My son is three and a half, also unplanned, with a girl that was a half stranger at the time. We sat down and had an adult chat about it and it's worked out really great.

Explain to him calmly that this child is coming whether he likes it or not, sure he's in shock but you don't need this head-wreck for the next 7/8 months.

I wouldn't approach his parents but does he have an older sibling of his you could talk to that will be able to sit him down and give him a kick up the arse?

+1 Good advice.

Chucky the tree

SetantaL wrote: »

Space my arse.

This guy needs to grow up. This baby isn't going to go away.

My son is three and a half, also unplanned, with a girl that was a half stranger at the time. We sat down and had an adult chat about it and it's worked out really great.

Explain to him calmly that this child is coming whether he likes it or not, sure he's in shock but you don't need this head-wreck for the next 7/8 months.

I wouldn't approach his parents but does he have an older sibling of his you could talk to that will be able to sit him down and give him a kick up the arse?

I doubt a "kick up the arse" will change his mind. He will have to do that himself. If he doesnt want to have anything to do with the kid/mother that's his choice. Having an older brother or sister telling otherwise wont do much good.

Rev Hellfire

I must say I have some sympathy for the young man in this story and must say his reaction to his plight is quite understandable. By your own admission you got to weigh up the pro's and con's of terminating the pregnancy to suit yourself, while effectively denying him the same rights. You can understand how he may see this as a less than equitable arrangement.

That said he does need to face up to the reality of the situation he finds himself in since you are determined to proceed despite his objections. A more softly softly approach is called for here rather then attempting to brow beat him with treats to tell his parents (who may not necessarily side with you in the matter).

John Mason

He has made his feelings clear, just because you want to keep the baby that shouldnt mean he has to have anything to do with.

you have both made your own choices. You decided to keep the baby which makes it your responsibility

anonGirl

He might come around when he realises you are keeping the baby, then again if he is very childish he may not.

I relation to telling his parents, maybe in a few months or maybe after you have had the baby, but do tell them.
My mother had me, my father totally abandoned her and subsequently left the country. Early eighties meant jobs were scarce.

Anyway she brought me to see his parents when I was a baby + toddler, she couldn't keep it up at the time and she was sorry that she hadn't tried harder to keep it up, but as she says times were different and they were in a different county.

Point is that they should have a chance to get to know their grandchild, no matter what their reaction is don't deny them that.

As for my father, he has his own family and I met him when I was older (in my 20's), he regretted what he missed out on. Maybe your baby's father will be talked into not missing out on his baby by his family. Hopefully attitudes have changed since I was a baby and someone might talk some sense into him.
Good Luck anyway, I feel you have made the right choice already, no matter how hard it is to do it alone, I hope you have your own good support system behind you (family / friends).

Karen_*

irishbird wrote: »

He has made his feelings clear, just because you want to keep the baby that shouldnt mean he has to have anything to do with.

you have both made your own choices. You decided to keep the baby which makes it your responsibility

And his financial responsibility since it did take two of them to make this baby. The option of abortion or adoption don't absolve him from that responsibility.

Ebonyellie

the exact same thing happened to me when i was 19, going out with the dad a few months, shock pregnancy,was told to get rid of it etc so i know exactly what you are going through and its an enormous life changing situation and its horrible being treated like that, i only know too well. We broke up too because he didnt want the baby, he walked out of my life completely and despite all my efforts to get him to see the baby when he was born he never did. I never asked for a penny from him, he has had no contact with him and he has moved to a different country. His parents ignore my son on the street and even after 10 years they are still in denial, i knew what they were like at the time when i was pregnant so i wasnt too bothered if they were involved or not, they have never seen me holding my head down when i pass them, im proud of my gorgeous child. having said that, had they being approachable and half decent people i would have wanted them involved in my sons life, if the father of your baby is too immature to deal with it that doesnt mean his parents wont, only you can judge that situation, they might surprise you and provide much needed support.

id also like to add that when i was pregnant i was confused, hurt, worried sick so i never enjoyed being pregnant - one of my greatest regrets, and let me tell you that i wasnt prepared for the huge feelings of love that i felt when i first saw my baby. Hes 10 years old now and i just love him more and more as time goes by. He was made my life an absolute joy, its hasnt been easy, but we had each other, i had to grow up a lot quicker than my friends but that hasnt been a bad thing really, i did the best i could for my son and i have nothing to feel quilty about. I wish you all the luck in the world, keep strong

Mr. Incognito

Look the guy is in shock and the ostrich approach may work for other avenues of unease in life but is not the way to approach children.

Yes, one could contend she is being selfish, but ultimately it's her body and she will have to live with the emotional scars of an abortion. This is a personal choice for every woman. She has decided to keep the kid, well Kudos. Now that the choice is made it is NOT the time to play the blame game or draw lines in the sand, it is time to grow the hell up and deal with the situation.

He can feel whatever he likes, but ultimately it's not going to change the facts.

He needs to understand this and he needs someone to tell him. Luckily, I have an amazing Dad and we had a good chat. Perhaps he has a similiar figure in his life to act as a mediator, that's why I suggested the older sibling route. My pops was a hippy, I think the majority of Irish men's fathers would freak out aswell

LegacyUser

ive been in your shoes and your boyfriends,i have a baby and have also aborted one that i really did not want
please take notice of my advice
1.enjoy your pregnancy and forget about the father of the baby for a while
2.get councelling asap or after baby is born (very important)being abandoned at your most vulnrable really does take a toll on your emotions ,think post natal depression,being a single parent, post traumatic stress and it doesnt go away on its own
3. go your own way and make sure you arrange maintanence when baby is born

I know what your boyfriend is thinking, he wants no baby and will try to get out of it any way possible and there is no chance of a reconciliation
when i found out i was pregnant i wanted out,and would have begged,borrow or steal in order not to continue the pregnancy, i did not love the father and abortion was my one and only choice and was relieved when it was all over

G&T

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I must say I have some sympathy for the young man in this story and must say his reaction to his plight is quite understandable. By your own admission you got to weigh up the pro's and con's of terminating the pregnancy to suit yourself, while effectively denying him the same rights. You can understand how he may see this as a less than equitable arrangement.

That said he does need to face up to the reality of the situation he finds himself in since you are determined to proceed despite his objections. A more softly softly approach is called for here rather then attempting to brow beat him with treats to tell his parents (who may not necessarily side with you in the matter).

Agree with this,

Feel sorry for ye both equally,

mom has hard choice,
dad has none.

My advice-dont do the toughest job(parenting) alone unless you have no choice.

Raskolnikov

Ebonyellie wrote: »

I never asked for a penny from him

I don't think this is anything to be proud of and would advise the original poster to ignore this advice.

The fact is, your ex-boyfriend is responsible for this child. If he has no interest in it emotionally, that's fair enough. However, it's his legal responsibility to provide for this child financially. Make sure you get his name on the birth cert. If he refuses to provide for the child, take him to court and a judge will force him to take responsibility.

There is absolutely no reason why you should be enduring financial hardship due to your deadbeat ex-boyfriend.

carlybabe1

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I must say I have some sympathy for the young man in this story and must say his reaction to his plight is quite understandable. By your own admission you got to weigh up the pro's and con's of terminating the pregnancy to suit yourself, while effectively denying him the same rights. You can understand how he may see this as a less than equitable arrangement.

That said he does need to face up to the reality of the situation he finds himself in since you are determined to proceed despite his objections. A more softly softly approach is called for here rather then attempting to brow beat him with treats to tell his parents (who may not necessarily side with you in the matter).

+1000000 couldnt agree with you more. At the end of the day it was your decision to keep it, and if he doesn't want to be a dad yet then thats his preroggative. Although there are ways to get him to pay maintenance (legal) it doesnt mean he will want to see the child. And I reckon if hes convinced that you done it deliberate;y then theres little or no chance of you being a couple, but e may change his mind about the baby

K-9

Raskolnikov wrote: »

The fact is, your ex-boyfriend is responsible for this child. If he has no interest in it emotionally, that's fair enough. However, it's his legal responsibility to provide for this child financially. Make sure you get his name on the birth cert. If he refuses to provide for the child, take him to court and a judge will force him to take responsibility.

There is absolutely no reason why you should be enduring financial hardship due to your deadbeat ex-boyfriend.

Agree on maintenance, also remember maintenance and his name on the birth cert maybe tied in.

If he refuses to sign the birth cert you can't force him.You will have to get a maintenance order. Once you have that YOU can add his details without his consent. A maintenance order is an admission of paternity on his part.

I'd always say put the Dads details on the cert, voluntarily or not. It gives him NO rights but the childs Dads details are recorded, which is the childs right.

OP, A judge cannot force a Dad to see a child. Just wanted to correct that in case you get your hopes up.

OP, Many single parents have gone onto get a better career, education, house etc. precisely because they got pregnant. It could be the making of ya!

I've heard very few regretting having the baby!;)

Good luck with everything and don't stress over things you can't control, being precise, the Dad!

carlybabe1

I'd always say put the Dads details on the cert, voluntarily or not. It gives him NO rights but the childs Dads details are recorded, which is the childs right.

Actually it does. even though its not written legislation, if he takes you to court for access he'll get it, unless theres something unbelievably wrong with him.

OP, A judge cannot force a Dad to see a child. Just wanted to correct that in case you get your hopes up.

As above, they can and do, if you take him to court a judge will dictate access times for him, but that doesn't mean he'll turn up. This is relatively new, I knew about it but my solicitor didnt, i foung out through an aquaintance.

OP, Many single parents have gone onto get a better career, education, house etc. precisely because they got pregnant. It could be the making of ya!

This is very true, and there are support systems in place to help you too, both financial and emotional

John Mason

Raskolnikov wrote: »

I don't think this is anything to be proud of and would advise the original poster to ignore this advice.

The fact is, your ex-boyfriend is responsible for this child. If he has no interest in it emotionally, that's fair enough. However, it's his legal responsibility to provide for this child financially. Make sure you get his name on the birth cert. If he refuses to provide for the child, take him to court and a judge will force him to take responsibility.

There is absolutely no reason why you should be enduring financial hardship due to your deadbeat ex-boyfriend.

No, the father had no choice in the decision to keep this child, he has made his feelings clear, he shouldnt be made pay for something he doesnt want.

If the OP decided to abort, and he wanted to keep it, he would have been told that it is the womens decision and nothing to do with him.

So why this time is it the womens decision but everything to do with him.

Disssgruntled

carlybabe1 wrote: »

+1000000 couldnt agree with you more. At the end of the day it was your decision to keep it, and if he doesn't want to be a dad yet then thats his preroggative. Although there are ways to get him to pay maintenance (legal) it doesnt mean he will want to see the child. And I reckon if hes convinced that you done it deliberate;y then theres little or no chance of you being a couple, but e may change his mind about the baby

"Keep it"? - This isn't a large screen TV that they both paid for sweetheart, this is a person that they are both responsible for making........... Its not "I don't want to keep it so how dare you even consider it" etc. [?] The oversimplification involved leads me to believe you posted that on a break from your homework - sorry

To the original poster I'd say take care of you and your "big bump", surround yourself with the positive people in your life - friends, family etc. Only a fool would tell you that theres an easy road ahead, but I can guarantee you that having a child is what life is really all about [not a BMW and a mansion] and the rewards, happiness and feelings of accomplishment are immense.

Regarding the father.... [?] He doesn't have to be the best person in the World, he doesn't have to be wise or have all the right answers straight away, he doesn't have to turn into "Dad of the year" overnight - BUT he should have some decency and feel his obligation to do the right thing. You trapped him ? What the fcuk - looks like you have two babies on your hands - sorry.

To finish, your come across really well, a very wise, mature head on young shoulders, take care of you and your baby and keep up your level headed approach..... The other stuff will be handled by you whenever with help from your real friends.

P.S. Post back a baby pic when you can.
P.P.S Not all guys are immature 9 year olds - next time you'll be luckier babe

K-9

carlybabe1 wrote: »

Actually it does. even though its not written legislation, if he takes you to court for access he'll get it, unless theres something unbelievably wrong with him.

I'd be interested in a source for that.
The name on the birth Cert is irrelevant to access, in fact it's irrelevant to anything.

carlybabe1 wrote:

As above, they can and do, if you take him to court a judge will dictate access times for him, but that doesn't mean he'll turn up. This is relatively new, I knew about it but my solicitor didnt, i foung out through an aquaintance.

Which begs the question why? Btw, as I said the Judge still can't force him so what I said is correct.

irishbabe wrote:

No, the father had no choice in the decision to keep this child, he has made his feelings clear, he shouldnt be made pay for something he doesnt want.

If the OP decided to abort, and he wanted to keep it, he would have been told that it is the womens decision and nothing to do with him.

So why this time is it the womens decision but everything to do with him.

Because that's life and it's unfair!

I don't like the idea of men screwing around them with no consequences!

MizzLolly

irishbird wrote: »

No, the father had no choice in the decision to keep this child, he has made his feelings clear, he shouldnt be made pay for something he doesnt want.

You havin' a laugh?




Congrats on the baby OP, it'll all work out for the best. Forget about him for now and allow yourself to get excited/enjoy the idea of becoming a mother.


What he's doing is very, very wrong. Do not be told otherwise.

SpookyDoll

he shouldnt be made pay for something he doesnt want.

Its not her fault though, he doesnt want the baby but neither did she, but they havent got much choice now have they, the baby is coming and nothing can stop it.

OP is stepping up like a grown up, he's got to do the same.

The time for saying "I dont want a baby" is gone. Choice is gone.
Too late. Got to make the best of it now.

Blush_01

irishbird wrote: »

No, the father had no choice in the decision to keep this child, he has made his feelings clear, he shouldnt be made pay for something he doesnt want.

I have to disagree. When you sleep with someone you understand that there is a risk - of contracting an sti or of pregnancy - even if you are careful about everything. It takes two to tango. It wasn't exactly the immaculate conception, and if the OP can't live with the guilt of a termination on her conscience, then so be it. It by no means absolves the guy involved of his responsibilities.

The OP is hardly portraying herself as a money-grubber. From what she has said, she wants the father to acknowledge his part in creating a child with her - which anyone with a reasonable level of maturity should be able to do. She's not asking him to move in with her and massage her bloated feet when she hits her third trimester!

Nobody is saying he's not entitled to be freaked out or scared. Nobody is saying he won't come to terms with it in a few weeks and cop on. It's been a harsh lesson in how far the OP can rely on this guy, but at the same time he may still come around to the idea and help the OP in some way.

OP, I wouldn't go to the parents just yet. See if he comes around himself first. If he doesn't, still offer his parents the option to be involved with their grandchild as you suggested though.

You seem like someone who has her head screwed on right and is taking things in their stride. I know this is probably a hugely difficult thing for you to deal with and you seem to be coping admirably. I second advice on talking to CURA or some other agency for advice and support - you can never have too many people on your side.

Best of luck.

JuliusCaesar

http://www.onefamily.ie/ Used to be called Cherish - the organisation for one parent families
www.treoir.ie federation of services for unmarried parents

For accurate information, advice, and counselling

Karen_*

irishbird wrote: »

No, the father had no choice in the decision to keep this child, he has made his feelings clear, he shouldnt be made pay for something he doesnt want.

If the OP decided to abort, and he wanted to keep it, he would have been told that it is the womens decision and nothing to do with him.

So why this time is it the womens decision but everything to do with him.

They had consensual sex. I'll take a wild guess that she didn't force him. Now she's pregnant and looking for advice. She's keeping the baby. And even if she wasn't then this would be really tough on her. Where is her choice in the matter?

At the end of the day a young teenage girl is pregnant and in dire straits. She's asking for some advice. She must be in an awful turmoil. We can throw the cat among the pigeons and stir up a debate about whether he should have responsibility but there's no point. Because the law already says he does. And its not exactly helpful to the OP either.

AngryBadger

OP it would be foolhardy not to suss out EXACTLY what the legal situation is regarding your ex and whatever maintainence is due when the baby arrives, as well as what the situation is regarding whatever rights both you and the father have, you have no way of knowing where this is all going to wind up, and it would be prudent to have this information to hand early on.

You've decided to keep the child, fair dews, not as easy road by any means, unfortunately you can't force the father to be involved beyond his statutary obligations, he's made it clear he doesn't want a child, and regardless of the personal views of anyone on this forum, you've efectively taken the decision out of his hands. From his perspective you're foisting him with a massive burden that he doesn't want.

There's one or two points I'd like to query, and I apologise for any offence that I'm about to cause, that's honestly not my intent.

Ye were seeing each other for 5 months, you were being "careful", and yet you're now pregnant. Without knowing the specifics, this does kind of raise some awkward questions, and to some extent I can see how your ex might feel that you set out to "trap" him. I'm not saying he's right at all, I'm simply pointing out that he may honestly believe that you set him up.

This in no way excuses anything, however it may help you to have some kind of grasp on what's going on in his head right now.

Nevyn

AngryBadger wrote: »

Are you 100 % sure this baby is his?

I really find that to be an objectionable question.
If it is an issue a paternity test can be done when the child is born but to raise in such a fashion is spurious and having a go at that OP as it implies
a whole range of things none of which are flattering or helpful to the OP.

AngryBadger wrote: »

You said you were being "careful", what does that mean exactly?

One would assume that they engaged in some counter measures to prevent pregnancy. No contraceptive method is 100% and a lot of young men assume that the oral contraceptive pill is.

AngryBadger wrote: »

Ye were seeing each other for 5 months, you were being "careful", and yet you're now pregnant. Without knowing the specifics, this does kind of raise some awkward questions, and to some extent I can see how your ex might feel that you set out to "trap" him. I'm not saying he's right at all, I'm simply pointing out that he may honestly believe that you set him up.

They had sex and one would hope they had a conversation like adults about what contraception to use and what they would do if it would fail, rather then sticking their heads in the sand, it's something every couple should do.

AngryBadger wrote: »

This in no way excuses anything, however it may help you to have some kind of grasp on what's going on in his head right now.

Fair enough.

Op I think you should give him space and that you should prepare the best you can for your developing pregnancy and giving birth. You have said you are going to continue the pregnancy, are you going to keep the child or give it up for adoption ?
What support network do you have to help you ?
If you are keeping the child then I do think you will have to let his family know over the due course but again they can choose not to be in the child's life.

AngryBadger

Thaedydal wrote: »

I really find that to be an objectionable question.
If it is an issue a paternity test can be done when the child is born but to raise in such a fashion is spurious and having a go at that OP as it implies
a whole range of things none of which are flattering or helpful to the OP.

Point taken, post edited accordingly.

Thaedydal wrote: »

One would assume that they engaged in some counter measures to prevent pregnancy. No contraceptive method is 100% and a lot of young men assume that the oral contraceptive pill is...They had sex and one would hope they had a conversation like adults about what contraception to use and what they would do if it would fail, rather then sticking their heads in the sand, it's something every couple should do...
Fair enough.

All of this is true, and correct, I'm not suggesting that the father is in some way excused of responsibility or anything like that. I am saying that a lot of this is likely to be what's going on in the fathers head, and if the OP has a grasp of that it may make it easier for her to give him space, and in that instance he may come around.

Just to be clear, I'm in no way trying to imply/allude/insinuate anything regarding the OP, or the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy, but there is an issue here, and I firmly believe the path to a solution requires an understanding of both sides of the situation.

Op I think you should give him space and that you should prepare the best you can for your developing pregnancy and giving birth. You have said you are going to continue the pregnancy, are you going to keep the child or give it up for adoption ?
What support network do you have to help you ?
If you are keeping the child then I do think you will have to let his family know over the due course but again they can choose not to be in the child's life.[/QUOTE]

NoreenMF

Dear bigbump,

I am in exactly your situation at the moment although somewhat further down the line. I'm 7 months pregnant now. I also have a 7 year old son whose father decided last year he no longer wanted anything to do with us anymore and has had no contact with my son since. I'm also 32, so I guess that is a bit different too.

Firstly, very few people regret having their baby, but a lot of people regret having a termination.

I have had a termination and it was this experience that made me decide to keep this baby. I have come to accept that the father does not want to be involved in this childs life and I can understand his anger towards me because I have the choice of whether or not I want to keep my baby and he is being forced to have a child he doesn't want.

Please make sure that your keeping of this baby is not done to spite him and that it is being done because you truly want to give this baby a happy and fulfilling life as best you can.

My own decision as how to move forward was to leave the father alone for a few months to give him space and then try talking to him again. Unfortunately he was still angry and his mind had not changed. I have decided not to pursue it any further as I don't want to have someone in my life who does not want to be there and to try and force him to spend time with my child would be detrimental to my child more than anything else. I have planned to tell him when the child is born and possibly will send a letter to his parents to offer them the opportunity to know their grandchild but again, I have decided that if I don't get a response or if I get a negative response that I will not pursue that either.

There are some aspects of being a single parent which are great. You make your own decisions about how you raise your child and how you want to do things without the worry of someone else interfering or undermining you. This can be particular difficulty if you are estranged from the other parent and have no control or cannot agree how to deal with the child. You will be the center of this childs world and everything that you say will be gospel. But equally, when it comes to all the tough decisions, you are doing it all yourself and if things go wrong, it's down to you. But on the flip side, when things go well, it's also down to you!

Go into this with your eyes open. You will be doing this all by yourself. He probably won't wake up and realise what a mistake he is making. Maybe he will. But you can't make your decision to keep this baby on the basis that he MIGHT change his mind. Another point I'd like to make is that at least he is being definite about how he feels now. You know exactly where you stand from the very beginning. My 7 year old has had a very difficult time because he had a very involved father who one day decided he wan't bothered anymore. I personally think that is worse. At least this baby won't have to go through that.

I hope my post helps you a bit. Feel free to PM me if you ever fancy a chat. Take care of yourself

K-9

Good to see a couple of posters pointing out the positives of keeping the child.

Also remember many fathers do get over the initial shock and get involved and work well with the mother. Some walk away and well it's their loss.

If they aren't man enough to deal with the consequences of having sex that isn't your problem. If he can't deal with it you are entitled to seek the childs maintenace. We all have to pay for our pleasures in this life, despite what some may like to think! It isn't some moral debate over father v. mothers choices, it's a childs life if you so decide.

carlybabe1

Seanies32 wrote: »

I'd be interested in a source for that.
The name on the birth Cert is irrelevant to access, in fact it's irrelevant to anything.

The name on the birth cert is far from irrelevant or it wouldnt be an issue. If the name is on the birth cert then he is more likely t get gaurdianship of said child, and my source on this isexperience, Ive been in court with my sons father more times than I ever shuld have been

Which begs the question why? Btw, as I said the Judge still can't force him so what I said is correct.

Why what???? Why my solicitor didnt know? Its Because as most people with any experience of family court and legal aid will know, though you go to a solicitor, its not uncommon practse that they hire a barrister to take the case for them, and so haven't been near the family courts in years. Of course I will be quick to point out this is not the case with every solicitor.

And in my case the judge shamed him into seeing his son

Redpunto

First off, congratulations,, this is the biggest thing you will ever go through and you will never regret it.

Secondly sounds like you're so well off without this guy in your life,, if he cared for you his first reaction would have been for your welfare, not to go off and act like a toddler having a tantrum, He needs to cop himself on.

What you need to concentrate on is you and your health and the babies health, let the ejiitt stew and dont even bother trying to make contact. If at some stage he does cop himself on and apologises profusely for his behaviour then maybe things could change but seriously, hes not 13 he is an adult and should behave as one.

K-9

carlybabe1 wrote: »

The name on the birth cert is far from irrelevant or it wouldnt be an issue. If the name is on the birth cert then he is more likely t get gaurdianship of said child, and my source on this isexperience, Ive been in court with my sons father more times than I ever shuld have been

How many times for Guardianship?

Mines was granted without my ex being in court and the Judge never asked, "wait a sec,are you on the birth cert?"

Anyway, I could post link upon link stating that the fathers name on the Cert means nothing.

Here's one:
http://www.solo.ie/law/5023.htm

I've yet to hear of a Judge about to grant Guardianship suddenly asking "is your name on the birth cert?" and then deciding no.

Indeed, the reverse would make no sense. Judge is uncertain if he'll grant it say, because of irregular access and then goes, hmmm, "sure his name is on the cert, therefore I'll give you the benefit of the doubt". He could have signed it 5 years ago and being gone for 4!

Indeed, the very reason the Dad maybe seeking the Guardianship order is because he wants to put his name on the cert!

http://www.groireland.ie/registering_a_birth.htm

4.4: At the written request of the mother (Form CRA 5 completed), or the father (Form CRA 6 completed), on production of a certified copy of any court order issued by the District, or Circuit Court regarding guardianship of infants or maintenance, or under the Social Welfare (Consolidation) Act 1993 naming him as the father of the child. In this case, the mother (if CRA 5 used), or father (if CRA 6 used) will be required to attend at the Office of the Registrar to sign the Register of Births. Please ensure all parties are named fully and correctly on the court order


OP, hopefully it will not come to it but beware of the myth that the Dads name on the cert gives him rights or will effect SW. Indeed, I'm sure he will not refuse and he'll cop on, but if it comes to it, the above can be used to get his name on it.

curlybabe1 wrote:

Why what???? Why my solicitor didnt know? Its Because as most people with any experience of family court and legal aid will know, though you go to a solicitor, its not uncommon practse that they hire a barrister to take the case for them, and so haven't been near the family courts in years. Of course I will be quick to point out this is not the case with every solicitor.

And in my case the judge shamed him into seeing his son

Indeed, the judge shamed Him. Unfortunately many don't have that shame.

Was it the Circuit Court? Great for you that you could afford a Barrister, most people can't!