Mother issues please help!

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Last night I happened to watch a documentary about the Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco (where the most number of people jump to their deaths).
Anyway after it finished I couldnt stop crying because my own mother attempted suicide when i was barely 13 yrs old & was lucky to live through it. I then started thinking about the r/ship i have with my mother.. its not good. We havent talked for 4 months because she was trying to manipulate & turn me against my boyfriend & its tearing me up inside because i havent done anything wrong, all ive done is try to get my own life together!

Basically she lives the other side of the globe to me but I am heading back to my home country (where my mother & close family live) at the end of this year. During the times I have talked to my siblings on the phone, once i asked is mum there? & i heard her say "tell her i dont want to talk to her". I cant believe after all the terrible things shes put me through ( her suicide attempt, numerous boyfriends, no job, no money, me helping to support her for years emotionally & financially etc etc) she now thinks because i have found a boyfriend who cares about me & who has made me realise I have the right to my own life without her controlling or manipulating me into organising hers for her that she can just throw me away since i wont support her anymore!

What on earth can i do, this is killing me inside, please help me.

Sincho

You poor thing. I think before you go home maybe write your mother a letter and say you want to put the past behind you and you need her to accept you're happy with your relationship. Or maybe get one of your siblings to broach the subject with her if you're close to them. If this doesn't work I think its probably time to accept that you'll never have a relationship with your mother. I know its incredibly hard but just because someone gave birth to you doesn't mean they're a good person to have in your life or that they're worth making an effort for. You'd probably be happier if you could keep contact with her to an extreme minimum and focus on the areas of your life that do make you happy.
My uncles wife had the same issue with her mother for a long time and felt she couldn't cut contact with her mother but since she eventually realised they were never gonna have a healthy relationship and stopped calling and visiting she's been noticeably happier. I hope everything works out ok and that you can find a solution you can live with and just remember that you're boyfriend is right, you are entitled to a life of your own, you're very lucky to have someone who obviously loves and supports you.

dudara

From reading your post, it seems that you have made no attempt to understand why your mother attempted suicide or why she acts the way she does. The post comes across as all "ME, ME, ME".

I'm not saying that you're wrong. But you do need to try and understand your mother's actions. Then you can start to figure out how to build a relationship or approach her.

Wagon

Stay in Ireland with your boyfriend. Feck it, after all the crap you seem to have been put through, thinking of yourself seems like the most sensible option. Unless your prepared to get abuse face to face from her, I wouldn't bother my arse moving back.

animum

i dont think its all ME ME ME at all, at the end of the day, the mother is the mother and string of boyfriends, relying on her children, financially and emotionally, is not good for the children, its about time the OP put herself first but the mother not talking to her child because she was so depended on her is terrible. u need to write a letter to your mother as advised, she should be happy to see you free and happy after all these yearsm instead of drowning in her own self pity! a mother is the strongest person out there, u have to for your children, unfortunately she didnt have the resources at the time to help her through her own problem, but u shouldnt take them out on your children, nor should u depend on your children for adult support! my opinion is your mother is hurting and angry and jealous, but IMO she should be happy for you. if she doesnt reply to the letter or whatever attempt you make to reconcile, i think for your own sanity you should stay away! your are obviosuly a very strong and caring person, and for what it is worth, all u can do is try your best, but dont let it consume you. enjoy your life and from the post it sounds like u deserve it. your parnter is obviously a smart guy, so he should be kept!!

LegacyUser

I know how you feel, I am in a similiar position, my own mother had a really bad upbringing however has never attempted to seek help aside from taking some pills to keep her on the straight and narrow, she had an unsuccessful marraige which was down to the 2 of them but ever since has been cruel to all of us, not just, my relationship with her is up and down... I am a classic people pleaser and obviously would love a relationship with here but since the most recent blow up where I actually haven't done a thing wrong I have come to the conclusion its easier to have no relationship or at least minimal contact. My fear now is that history repeats itself and I'll end up like her, I am thinking of seeking counselling so I can preempt problems that may come up down the road, if anyone can recommend do so- I would like a name not an organisation though... thanks