i love him but he hurt me bad

macbarbie

ok so iv been with my boyfrind three years....... we had a few problems at the start with an ex of mine wouldn leave me alone.... while my boyfriend was a way he tried to kiss me... but i didnt tell him to avoid conflict, he was hurt and said he didnt trust me... he broke up with me....then we sorted everything out and got back together and a month later found out he was with another girl so again we broke up..... eventually after all this we got togather and have been together 2 strong years.... madly in love.... everything perfect... he was amazin an we didn everything together..cant stress enough... perfect in love couple.

then two days ago we got back from Vegas and i got an email.

saying he has realised lately his feelings run deeper and he knows he wants to marry me and wants to buy a house together asap.....

BUT..... he needs to tell me hes been cheatin on me the last year and a half with that same girl.... goin cinema..goin on dates... sleepin with her.....full blown everything..... i am devistated wen i read the email i vomited i cant believe this is happening......

i adored him and i thought he felt the same......

he said it was the hardest thing hes had to do but had to tel me coz he wants us to start over....

i know i should be going mad...kill him...say no...get out of my life...
but i stil dont feel its really happenin and jus keep thinkin i love him..... i dont want to let go....

i know its sad and as a third party id say...what an ass get rid of him but its so diff in reality, im so lost confused hurt empty but stil in love...

where do i go from here.... can i be strong enough to handle this.....

any general opinions and advice please....... i cant believe this is happenin

meditraitor

Thats brutal, he sounds like a complete chancer (another C word also come to mind)

Cut contact completely, cry your eyes out and in about 6 months you'll be grand.

There is no future whatsoever!

Good luck

chickenhawk

What an as$hole! You are probably thinking that it is hard to leave and you still love him and he says he loves you so maybe it can work......it can't.

You will always think that he is cheating (and he probably will be) and frankly you deserve better.

It will be hard for the next few months but the right thing for you is to break it off with him and delete all means of contact. You will be happier in the long run.

star-pants

OP that is awful you poor thing *HUGS*

I totally understand that you feel so betrayed and sick at the thoughts but yet of course you still love him. And as hard as it's going to be - the best thing will be to get rid. He's lied for a year & a half... not like a once off date, or a drunken kiss that *maybe* ye could move past. But full blown being with someone else as you said - dates/sleeping etc... That even make me want to vomit.
I don't think I could even look at a guy if they did that to me.

You love who you thought he was, not who he is. Yeah I'm sure it was tough to tell you (as I'm sure on some level yes he cares about you) but damn, that's one hell of a bombshell to drop on someone. I know some may think 'well he told you, he wants to start afresh' and that choice is of course yours. But either way - a break up is needed, whether it's 'bugger off buddy, enjoy your OTHER girlfriend' or 'I need a hell of a lot of time to deal and we can see in 6mnths down the line if I want to talk to you'.

Outsider's opinion - get rid. What if you did get together, got a house, got married,
then he goes 'I want us to go further, to have kids, but I've been with that other girl again, and I wanted you and I to start fresh' ... ?? seriously!

2 years ye have been together 'madly in love' ... but a year & half of that, he's been with someone else too.... as much as it will crush you hun - clearly he doesn't feel the way you feel. It shouldn't take being with someone else to realise who you really care about. He should have known that on his own accord.

*hugs* to you, this is going to be very tough I can imagine, but you need to be strong, hold your chin up and send him on his way (my opinion, not one you have to take) It'll hurt like hell, you'll cry for days, feel so sick, but if you think 'oh but I love him' remember he's been with that other girl....
who knows, maybe he told the other girl about you and she dumped him and so he wanted to try with you?

Sorry this is a lot longer than I intended but I just know you can't see past the hurt right now, so a lot of stuff you won't want to do, but don't let this guy have the chance to break you again. He was getting his cake & eating it so he deserves to lose someone great like you.
You deserve someone who wants you and ONLY you.

*hugs* and good luck

carlowguy32

at least he told you now and not after ye commited to each other like buying a house and stuff, he had a choice of doing it now or not doing it at all so he did do a good thing there, he knew he might loose you by telling you but still wanted to be honest, i would give him one last chance, but that is just my view

togster

What kind of a scumbag tells you this by email. OP get out while you can. You deserve better.

macbarbie

Thanks so much for that... seems so much clearer wen its layed out in words... your mind betrays you and thinks of good times... but then i think none of them good times ment anything wen he was sleeping in another girls bed the night before....

i just cant believe it.... thats the problem im in total denile.... this cant be happening,it cant be real! i dont know how i can move on from this, this is such a blow at a devistating level, i loved him so much.

chickenhawk

macbarbie wrote: »

but then i think none of them good times ment anything wen he was sleeping in another girls bed the night before....

i dont know how i can move on from this.

Every time you think of him think of the first sentence quoted above. You'll soon forget him.

miles teg

macbarbie wrote: »

.... this cant be happening,it cant be real! i dont know how i can move on from this...

Think of it this way...he's spent more time cheating on you than being faithful. Enjoy your new independence

paperclip2

He wants to come clean and tell you he was cheating but he tries to stock up on brownie points first by suggesting ye buy a house and get married. And he tells you this in an email. :eek:

There is such dishonesty in how he came clean imo. Is this how you have imagined being proposed to? "Darling I love you, lets get married and buy a house, by the way ye know that other one I was knocking off while back, well guess what..."

I reckon I'd be cutting contact for a while at least OP. He sounds like a piece of work and his actions in 'proposing' to you are at best disrespectful. If you love somone enough to marry them you dont treat them like this. Simple as.

Good luck OP. You deserve better.

Loose Lips

OP: I'm sorry to have to say this, but it looks to me like his intentions were to dump you, and the stuff about him wanting to have a fresh start and make a real commitment and so on was just fluff that he threw in because it made him feel like less of a scumbag.

Which is what he is.

Put him behind you and move on. Tonight's Friday night. Just think, in the morning you could be waking up in bed with Mr. Right!

God bless

The Corinthian

Loose Lips wrote: »

OP: I'm sorry to have to say this, but it looks to me like his intentions were to dump you, and the stuff about him wanting to have a fresh start and make a real commitment and so on was just fluff that he threw in because it made him feel like less of a scumbag.

"Never ascribe to malice, that which is better explained through incompetence."

It's possible that he set it up as a complex device to get 'dumped' while emotionally leaving the door open, but unlikely IMO. Most people are not that clever.

Chances are that he recently decided that the OP was 'the one' and/or that the other one has dumped him or given him an ultimatum (resulting in that he cannot continue his cosy affair as before) and the whole fresh start is because he wants to feel better about it all. I've never understood such misplaced honesty, born of dishonest motivations.

Maybe he genuinely has seen the light, but my guess in not. People who can keep an affair running for a year like that rarely turn to fidelity overnight, and never with someone they're already been unfaithful with.

Move on.

Wibbs

TONY T banned

macbarbie

i feel awfull about telling people too, specially if they find out what i did, i feel like a fool, and hes so close to my family and visa versa, they will be so hurt, hes good friends with my brother and im quite close to his 4 year old daughter. Jus to give you an idea im only 22, and i know this can all be fixed but im dreadin it. I jus want it all to go away, you know the phrase heartbroke, i actually feel like the pain in my heart like its broke.

beth-lou

Please, please, please do not continue to see this man.
He has lied to you for a year and a half. He will lie to you in the future if you stay with him. And he will be unfaithful to you again. I am sure of it.

This was not a mistaken one night stand. He had two women on the go for a long time, and was obviously quite comfortable doing it. He also started it quite early in the relationship, so he doesn't have the excuse that you were having problems etc. He should have just finished it with you if he wanted to be with her too. After all you were only together 6 months at that stage.

If you want to have a happy life, don't settle for this man. He will break your heart over and over. He's already done it. You deserve better. You are better.
And there are better men out there. You are only 22!

Please consider your future. Do not buy a housse with him and do not marry him. Tell everybody what he has done. They will only be hurt for you and angry. They will not be hurt by him, only by how he has hurt you. Think about yourself first. And I would be inclined to think that he has only told you because she gave him an ultimatum or somebody else did.

How can someone carry on two relationships at the same time? It takes a very selfish individual to do for as long as he did. I really hope you find the strength to move on. Please tell a friend or a family member so they can support you and listen to you and comfort you.
Big hugs andlook after yourself. x

MJOR

Sounds to me like this guy is a total moron. Don't take him back. He's a selfish prick. Tell him to hit the road...

towel401

what a complete douche

go back with the first guy

MagicMarker

First he disrespects you by cheating on you, then he disrespects you by being such a coward he can't say it to your face.

Lose the loser.

MissyN

The separation will initially be so painful and I know exactly what you mean when you say a pain in your heart you poor thing. Thats real heart break and you just need time. You're doing the right thing. Thats the main thing that you need to remember. Take care Sweetheart.

Sephiroth_dude

For god sake get rid of him will ya,he did'nt even have the guts to tell you he was sleeping with this girl face to face,I know it will be hard,but you gotta dump him asap.what a langer and a pathetic excuse of a boyfriend.

LegacyUser

based on the title of the thread, you should definitely stay with him.

Dark Artist

Don't give him the satisfaction of even contacting him again. He's hurt you more than you can feel, so the least you can do in response is to not get in touch with him again. It'll sort him out nicely and in a few months time you'll be very glad that you had that last laugh.

DeiseChick87

u sooo need to get rid of him! Easier said than done i know...

but think of it dis way, if u do decide to marry him etc...ur gonna spend the rest of ur life wondering if he's being honest with you.
Like he says he's working late. Is he really working late? or where is he?? whose he with etc. It could well be the truth...but there's always gonna be that doubt in ur mind! Can u really live with that?

as u said it urself, it made u so sick, u actually vomited! Now imagine yourself ten years down the line (maybe with a few additional kids), what if he decides he'll send u another little email, cause god love him...he doesnt even have the [EMAIL="b@lls"]b@lls[/EMAIL] to tell you face to face! Dat email could change ur life & ur kids!

U deserve so much better than him!!! I realise this may sound harsh but he thinks he can get away with it, cause he says he wants to marry you...thats wat u call buttering someone up.

Dump him & move on with ur life! yes it will be hard at the start...but imagine how you'll feel, wen the guy that DESERVES you asks u to marry him!

ur worth so much more NEVER play second best to anyone!!

xoxox

LegacyUser

What a son of a b1tch. (tho i'm thinking a worse name)

Personally i was in a similar situation to yourself. I was with the ex for 3.5yrs. Had travelled a bit and so forth. He was my first sexual partner. I was madly in love with him. After 2.5 yrs, Conversation of engagement was brought up. Of course it was a hypothetical conversation but i took it the wrong way. In my head i had the whole marraige/kids/life planned out etc. We started drifting and broke up on NewYears Day a few yrs back. Only then did i discover he had been cheating on me for nearly the full relationship. He was still in college at the time but i had trusted him. I was disgusted to hear that the engagement he was talking about was to the other woman.

My point is that you are not alone and yes you would feel every emotion under the sun but i can only give you my personal opinion on what you wrote which is that the guy is trying to make amends and has spilled all the beans but he has cheated on you before and there may be a next time too. You now need a break. Take a break in the relationship (no contact at all) go out with your mates a few nights and judge from this. It will be hard and you will need some1 to talk to while ur on the break.

Best of luck hun

gubby

oh dear, it look like I will once again have to change the tone of these replies. oh yes, all of what everyone says is true.. he hurt you etc you and you alone can make that decision. But not everyone is brave enough to tell someone that they love that they have cheated on them.. to stand there and see someone heart breaking but at the same time wanting to be totally honest. In a way I dont think he should have told you and just the keeping it to himself would be his punishment. Nobody is perfect and we shoud all remember that he who is without sin can cast the first stone.
I am not saying that my advice is to take him back and be all sweetness and light but I do think you should go away and have a good think about it..and maybe do some research about the whole thing. even speak to the other girl to find out if she had put pressure on him as some have suggested. Information is a very powerfull tool. use it wisely.
God Bless you and keep you safe.

macbarbie

Thank you everybody for the really supportive words, they really helped and for everyones genuine advice.

To update i completely finished with this guy, it was so hard, i loved him but then again the person i loved was not the person i thought, how he could do this il never understand, he begged me to give him a chance but i know i can never trust him again,
how could somebody be with someone, tell them they love them completely, involve them in every aspect of there life, plan a future with them and then sleep with some1 else... multiple times...and dates, cinema,meals,drives, it doesnt ad up. I asked why and he said he loved me but really liked her.

The main thing Im feeling right now is numb, no tears or anger, just emptiness, no emotions, I feel hallow, When i said goodbye I didnt even cry, i feel dead inside.

Karen_*

Well you should be proud of yourself because that was and incredibly difficult thing to do. You'll be just fine. This guy isn't right for you because you don't want to be with someone who can lead two lives without you suspecting. Yes round of applause to him for coming clean. Would he like a medal for that too? Reminds me of the saying the honest thief.