Confused

LegacyUser

Hi

I have been married for 12 years and I would say that they have been 12 very happy years of marriage. I love my wife dearly and we have 3 wonderful kids. There has been a couple of incidents lately which have made concerned me and I am not sure what I should do.

The latest incident happened last night, we had an argument about something silly which escalated to the point that she threw a hot cup of tea over me. I have never at any stage physically or verbally treathened my wife, I'm not that sort of person, I'm not a saint and I am capable of saying hurtful things and I do stand up for myself so arguments although infrequent do occur. I know my wife was frustrated when she threw the tea and I know that this is not her normal demeanour however it worries me that she is capable of causing me serious injury, if you consider Hot Tea as being capable of hurting people.

On one other occasion recently I felt she lost control with one of or children and hit him aggresively to the point that I shouted at her to stop as I felt she was not in control.

I would point out that these are isolated incidents and in no way characterise our marriage. I'm just wondering what I should do I said I would talk to her about it tonight and I am wondering what to say to her. Any advice greatly appreciated

Beruthiel

As you have said already, talking to her is the first step. Be calm, ask her if there is something on her mind. Can she put her finger on why she would behave like this.
I'm sure this is bothering her too and she has probably done some thinking on the reasons behind this.
Is she for example, under more stress than usual?
This must be addressed before it gets worse and she needs to know that you expect that.

Loose Lips

Husband wrote: »

Hi

I have been married for 12 years and I would say that they have been 12 very happy years of marriage. I love my wife dearly and we have 3 wonderful kids. There has been a couple of incidents lately which have made concerned me and I am not sure what I should do.

The latest incident happened last night, we had an argument about something silly which escalated to the point that she threw a hot cup of tea over me. I have never at any stage physically or verbally treathened my wife, I'm not that sort of person, I'm not a saint and I am capable of saying hurtful things and I do stand up for myself so arguments although infrequent do occur. I know my wife was frustrated when she threw the tea and I know that this is not her normal demeanour however it worries me that she is capable of causing me serious injury, if you consider Hot Tea as being capable of hurting people.

On one other occasion recently I felt she lost control with one of or children and hit him aggresively to the point that I shouted at her to stop as I felt she was not in control.

I would point out that these are isolated incidents and in no way characterise our marriage. I'm just wondering what I should do I said I would talk to her about it tonight and I am wondering what to say to her. Any advice greatly appreciated

OP: It sounds like your wife is struggling with some major resentments and frustrations, and is finding them boiling up to the surface and causing her to lose control. She is surely as unhappy as you are about this.

Is it possible that she has some hopes and dreams that were not fulfilled? Is it possible that she feels she makes nothing but sacrifices and does not get any appreciation for it? Think along these lines and do something nice for her that shows you are seeing things from her point of view. This might help to open up the lines of communication and you can then discuss the root of her issues and take action to resolve them.

12 years of marriage is something to be treasured.

God bless.

m'lady

I find it so sad that because this is a man there are a couple of excuses being given in this situation, if it was a woman the replies would be totally different.
Op, I have worked with men in your situation and in my opinion this is ABUSE, and there is no excuse. I agree, you need to sit your wife down and talk to her, but you really need to let her know it can't continue. Not only is she being aggressive to you but also to your children. Do you really want your children growing up in an environment like this, where their father is being physically abused?

There are too many excuses given for domestic violence against men, PMT, tiredness, depression etc., the list could go on. At the end of the day, nobody- man, woman or child deserves to be abused in any manner.
There are organisations that can help you OP, the first one that would come to mind is a charity called 'AMEN'.... www.amen.ie they have a helpline that perhaps you could get advice. One piece of advice I would give you and its very, very important is, do not be provoked into retaliating.
I sincerely hope it all work out for all of you as a family.

kayos

Ok I know I’m going to be hunted for saying this but if the situation was reversed and it was the man carrying out the violent actions the responses would be “get out of there”, “if he did it once he’ll do it again” etc etc etc. Only a few days ago there was a post where the BF/Husband pushed past his partner to get into the house and he was made out to be the devil and the world’s worst wife beater in waiting. Now when a woman does something which would be more serious, boiling water can burn and from the sounds of it she was not just giving her child a spank, people say she should be talked to or that the husband has not fulfilled her dreams? I say this not trying to say the OP’s wife is the world’s worst but to highlight the difference in responses depending on which gender is the aggressor. I don’t believe there should be any place in a relationship for physical aggression.

Personally I agree with the talk and sort things out way, as everyone comes under stress at some point and when that builds up it gets released on the people closest to them. So yes sit her down and talk, tell her you are worried and try and get to the cause of this behaviour. Throwing a hot liquid that could cause burns is not on and if she is losing her temper with her kids she is putting but her children and the family unit in danger.

not yet

She has something serious on her mind and is struggling to deal with it.

She may be just fed up with the mundane day to day grind etc.

I've noticed some women at a certain age seem to panic as in ''christ is this it'' is my lfe made up of kids and dinners etc.

enda1

I have just lost all respect for this forum.
I have seen on numerous occasions women being told to GET OUT, call the police etc. etc. when at most a push occured!

Hot tea could cause serious long term injuries and all you can say is its her emotions??

See ye all later, I won't be back.

Carturo

Beruthiel wrote: »

As you have said already, talking to her is the first step. Be calm, ask her if there is something on her mind. Can she put her finger on why she would behave like this.
I'm sure this is bothering her too.

Oh FFS! Tell him what you would tell a woman!

neuro-praxis

Mmm, in a way I think I am in agreement with both sides. I have been challenged on my own double-standard attitudes by this thread! (However it is probably worth pointing out that a woman is often a less imposing abuser i.e., where a woman may be truly frightened by the strength and authority of a man, an abused man may be aware that even in the face of abuse, he has the upper hand, physically speaking.)

This is abuse though - of both you and the children. It is serious and should not be tolerated, regardless of what she is going though.

But that doesn't mean leave her - surely after 12 years of marriage (and presumably many years of dating beforehand) I think it is clear that this is a symptom of a deep problem, and not her normal self. If my (very peaceful) partner who I've been with for ten years threw a cup of tea at me I would be very angry, shocked and upset, as I am sure you are feeling, but I would not leave him. However I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour a second longer, and if it did continue, where either I or my children were at risk, I would leave. But you are not at that point yet.

I suggest telling her, as you have told us, how much she means to you, but that you will not ever again tolerate her beating your son, or throwing anything at you. This is heartbreaking behaviour. Be ready to forgive her and help her work through whatever is causing this behaviour - but she does owe you an apology and a promise that this will not happen again. She needs to take responsiblity for her behaviour without any excuses.

Wibbs

Well I have to agree with others and call bollox on the double standard. I've seen enough threads around here where the genders were reversed and the usual vitriol spewed forth. Also the idea that the guy has "the upper hand" physically is an utter nonsense too.

I'd say the same to you as I would say to a woman. This will escalate if not nipped in the bud now. You have to sit her down and make her see the problem and to get help for it. If she refuses to see the problem or get help, then I would suggest you make it clear that you will rethink the whole marriage if she doesn't. Her getting physical with a child would be my tipping point to be honest.

vandermeyde

Husband wrote: »

I would point out that these are isolated incidents and in no way characterise our marriage.

Most domestic abuse starts off being out of character and isolated and escalates from their. To be honest you sound like you're trying to downplay it. Regardless of yourself she has assaulted your child. You need to nip this in the bud now.

Nevyn

You can't stand for that type of behaviour.
The fact it happened once means it might happen again and what will it be next time ?
Lots of people find 'other' ways to lash out at thier partner with out ever 'laying a hand on them', it is not acceptable.
What will it be next ? A pot ? a frying pan ? a knife ?
Already this will have erroded your level of trust and repect for her.

You need to let her know this is not acceptable is abusive, I get that you love her and that you have a lot invested in your marriage and family but this can not go unchecked.
You have to draw the line now and she has to agree to never do it again and to get help, be it angermangement or what ever she needs.

Yes marriages take work and it's hard going and life can suck but that is never justification to lash out.

Lizzykins

I'll second Thaedydal's remarks. It soesn't matter whether it's a man or woman-there's NO excuse for abuse.

beth-lou

There is no excuse for abuse.

You sound as though you really love your wife. I think you are right to talk to and suggest she gets help to deal with her anger. It could escalate, although throwing hot tea over you is pretty extreme in my book. If she is receptive to sorting through your problems, then great see where it goes.

However if she is defensive, I suggest you seek a seperation, as you have to put the welfare of your kids and yourself first. If she threw hot tea on a child she would be arrested and rightly so. Indeed you could have brought charges against her yourself.

But 12 years is a long time, and you don't mention that you want to leave her, so try the talk route first. But you have to be very assertive and adament that this problem is tackled head on, and thorougly and with professionals. She is being abusive and you need to nip it in the bud now.

So sorry that you are in this situation. I hope it gets better.

Fiend-Foe

Hi op,

I'm not sure what age bracket your wife falls into, but I remember reading a story about a year or so ago (I have tried to dig up the article can't find it anywhere).

Anyway the wife was cooking dinner and they were having a mild row and she saw red and tossed a saucepan of boiling water over her husband. This was totally out of character for her. Anyways on going to the doctor she discovered she was in onset of the menopause, it was sending her hormones all wacky.

As I said I have no idea if this applies to your case, it just might be something to bear in mind if she is at that age and this behaviour is totally unlike her.

You sound like a decent bloke and good husband, noone deserves this.

Best of luck, hope you can sort it out.

kraggy

enda1 wrote: »

I have just lost all respect for this forum.
I have seen on numerous occasions women being told to GET OUT, call the police etc. etc. when at most a push occured!

Hot tea could cause serious long term injuries and all you can say is its her emotions??

See ye all later, I won't be back.

Wibbs wrote: »

Well I have to agree with others and call bollox on the double standard. I've seen enough threads around here where the genders were reversed and the usual vitriol spewed forth. Also the idea that the guy has "the upper hand" physically is an utter nonsense too.

I'd say the same to you as I would say to a woman. This will escalate if not nipped in the bud now. You have to sit her down and make her see the problem and to get help for it. If she refuses to see the problem or get help, then I would suggest you make it clear that you will rethink the whole marriage if she doesn't. Her getting physical with a child would be my tipping point to be honest.

Couldn't agree more with these two posts.

I'm sick of reading here,and hearing in society in general, the double standards when it comes to physical violence in relationships. A guy is pushed around or beaten by his girlfriend and its brushed off because he's supposedly bigger and stronger. It's almost seen as comical. If the roles are reversed, it's "call the guards, get the hell out of there..he'll kill you". What people forget about violence is that the emotional pain far outlives the physical pain. To be on the receiving end of physical abuse from the person who supposedly loves you is seeing your whole life crumble before your very eyes. Devastating doesn't even begin to sum it up. There are no words that could.

OP, I really feel for you. I've been there and I'll tell you now that you need to nip this, right now. If you don't, it may happen again. You sound like a gentle guy who wouldn't dream of reacting. But if you let it happen again, and again, your character may change from the relentless onslaught of abuse from the woman you have spent the last 12 years with. Don't let that happen. It did me. I took it and took it. And then when I started to defend myself, I was seen as the bully. Don't let that happen to you. It was the darkest period of my life and I will NEVER forgive the perpetrator.

Go to counselling if you must. Try and sort it out with her. Don't let it escalate. You will be going down a very dark road if you do.

I hope you things work out.

Best of luck.

MJOR

Op if this is as you say an isolated incident then i am positive you will work through it. However if she has behaved this way in the past something is very wrong. A friend of mine suffered some serious abuse from his wife and they are now divorced, she frequently hit him and he has been left emotionally drained. Please talk to your wife and tell her that this is not acceptable.

Dizzyblonde

OP I don't think it matters what's caused these outbursts, you need to tell your wife it's not acceptable. We all get frustrated and fed up at times, but we don't all lash out at our families.
Your wife needs to seek help for this, maybe anger management, because this won't go away on its own. An adult hitting a child in anger is not on. Even if you were willing to put up with her being violent towards you (and you really should not), you can't risk this happening to your child again. Plus she's teaching your children how to behave - not good.

I have just lost all respect for this forum.
I have seen on numerous occasions women being told to GET OUT, call the police etc. etc. when at most a push occured!

Exactly. A woman posting that her fella shoved her or raised his voice is told he'll turn into a wifebeater and to call the guards, and a guy saying his wife poured hot tea on him gets 'ah sure it's just her hormones'. It's a joke. Throwing hot liquid at someone is crossing every possible line. OP could have been seriously injured. Maybe the men who assault their wives have problems and need help - do they get sympathy? No. I'm sick of the double standards.

Wagon

Hot tea hurts like hell. She could have been just as easily be holding a kettle or pan full of boiling water or a frying pan (a Wok would be a good example) when her "emotions" got the best of her. I second everyone who said bollocks to double standards, sit her down and draw the line. Get this sorted now. Feeling stressed is no reason to hit your child or burn your husband.

SpookyDoll

Yep totally agree, this "soft soaping" attitude to women abusers annoys the crap outta me too.

Not only because in prolongs the husband/kids suffering but also because it lets these types of women away with it giving us all a bad name.

OP, you tell her straight what she did was assault and see what she has to say for herself.

Terpsichore

This is very serious.
This is an emergency situation.

You and your kids need a loving wife/mother, not a dragon that can steam off at anytime.

You can't leave it untold.

Sounds like your Missus has a big problem that she's keeping in for a while already... but won't be able to keep it in for much longer. You have to get to the bottom of it NOW.

It probably feels extremely difficult for you to talk to her about such a subject. Maybe silence has taken too much place between the two of you and maybe that it part of the problem. You must break it.