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why is this

  • 24-09-2008 6:52pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This guy is my flatmate. He enjoys spending time with me, thinks I'm a great company, good laugh, always says I'm gorgeous and sexy, he likes me as a person,he always helps me out and does all those nice little things for me, like he always makes me cup a tea every morning before he goes to work ( we leave the house at around the same time). We get on great. Sex is amazing..... but he says he doesn't know what he wants, he likes to be left on his own and do his own thing. He always needs a little push to start cuddling and things like that. He never initiates anything I always have to start with kissing and stuff. I like him a lot to and don't know if its worth it waiting for him to decide??? Few days back he got this amazing huge bunch of flowers said it was for being bad to me, but he has never been bad to me I don't know what to think....


Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 12,110 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dizzyblonde


    Do you think he might be using you for sex and feels a bit bad because he has no intention of having a proper relationship with you? It does sound as though he has it pretty handy....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    not at all, I think I'm using him for sex more than he is using me :-) he is just strange likes his space and wants to be left alone when he feels like it


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,559 ✭✭✭✭AnonoBoy


    :-) wrote: »
    not at all, I think I'm using him for sex more than he is using me :-) he is just strange likes his space and wants to be left alone when he feels like it

    Sounds like most men I know. :D

    If you want it to go further talk to him about it. Say - "I want you to be my boyfriend!"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yea, sounds like a good idea. I tried to talk to him tho and he just says " Look I hate doing this to you, I just dont know what I want and sure you dont know what I want, Im sorry I dont want to string you along" What else can I do?? I really like him and I think he likes me to but does he want to be my boyfriend ?? He doesnt know


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭IRISH RAIL


    +1
    weird how you call him your flatmate! the two of you sound like you have a great relationship im jealous


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    :-) wrote: »
    Yea, sounds like a good idea. I tried to talk to him tho and he just says " Look I hate doing this to you, I just dont know what I want and sure you dont know what I want, Im sorry I dont want to string you along" What else can I do?? I really like him and I think he likes me to but does he want to be my boyfriend ?? He doesnt know

    If he did want to, he'd know.

    I'd say this is a no, for the time being anyway. You'll either have to wait it out, or give it up.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    He wants no strings sex. You give it to him. Seems quite clear cut to me.

    Sorry.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,174 ✭✭✭✭kmart6


    No need for a PI thread over something you both gotta love,lol!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    :-) wrote: »
    This guy is my flatmate. He enjoys spending time with me, thinks I'm a great company, good laugh, always says I'm gorgeous and sexy, he likes me as a person,he always helps me out and does all those nice little things for me, like he always makes me cup a tea every morning before he goes to work ( we leave the house at around the same time). We get on great. Sex is amazing.....
    Up to this point I'm thinking that's soooo sweet etc. then.....
    but he says he doesn't know what he wants, he likes to be left on his own and do his own thing. He always needs a little push to start cuddling and things like that. He never initiates anything I always have to start with kissing and stuff.
    he gets what he wants and doesn't have to take the responsibility of a proper relationship. Sweet for him, not so good for you. Men often complain of being stuck in the "friendzone", well this is the female equivalent, the "Nookiezone" and you sound to be right in it. MagicMarker puts it pretty much on the nose.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 870 ✭✭✭Pen1987


    Corner him and give him a now-or-never ultimatum. Maybe he has insecurities over his abilities to maintain a relationship, he does seem to like you.

    He does have all the benefits of a relationship without the hassle though, from a bloke POV


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 419 ✭✭wasper


    :-) wrote: »
    This guy is my flatmate. He enjoys spending time with me, thinks I'm a great company, good laugh, always says I'm gorgeous and sexy, he likes me as a person,he always helps me out and does all those nice little things for me, like he always makes me cup a tea every morning before he goes to work ( we leave the house at around the same time). We get on great. Sex is amazing..... but he says he doesn't know what he wants, he likes to be left on his own and do his own thing. He always needs a little push to start cuddling and things like that. He never initiates anything I always have to start with kissing and stuff. I like him a lot to and don't know if its worth it waiting for him to decide??? Few days back he got this amazing huge bunch of flowers said it was for being bad to me, but he has never been bad to me I don't know what to think....

    Test the water, bring a guy one night & take him to bed. Lets see how your flatmate will react.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He wants no strings sex. You give it to him. Seems quite clear cut to me.

    Sorry.

    Sounds about right, the only thing is he is never looking for sex of me, only if i sit beside him and start kissing him myself, but I'm pretty sick of it at this stage always taking the initiative in my hands. Yeah... probably give em up.. feck em :-)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    wasper wrote: »
    Test the water, bring a guy one night & take him to bed. Lets see how your flatmate will react.

    Ha ha yeah, sounds like a great idea!! I do get a lot of attention in work and all and since he calls himself my friend i tell him about it.... doesn't look to happy listening ;-)


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    If i had a female flatmate who sat next to me and started initiating sex i wouldn't say no either.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If i had a female flatmate who sat next to me and started initiating sex i wouldn't say no either.

    In fairness who would?? ha ha ;-)


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 4,575 Mod ✭✭✭✭dory


    Yea, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
    I'd go with the 'bring someone else home' suggestion.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    If i had a female flatmate who sat next to me and started initiating sex i wouldn't say no either.

    That's pretty much it. He has a cosy arrangement that no single lad would turn down, great regular sex without any of the extra baggage that goes with an actual relationship.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,494 ✭✭✭finbarrk


    He's a lucky guy actually. Gets sex without asking for it and without all the emotional womaney stuff.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Craft25


    i disagree that he has the sex without the baggage, whatever you wanna label it you still have a relationship, and in this relationship there is an unspoken issue that's getting ready to blow up in his face.. try saying theres no baggage when he has to find a new flat cos things went downhill, or if he meets another girl and flatmates feelings lead to sabotage, ill feeling or whatever..

    i'm not saying you would do these things.. just that he's sleeping with you and everything has consequences..

    ask yourself.. do i really need to label this relationship BF &GF, do i need verbalised commitment... if you NEED that then ask him for it, if he doesnt want to give it then forget it..

    DONT sleep with someone else to test his feelings... where will that lead??? if later on you're married and going through a rough patch are u gonna have an affair and get caught to test his feelings??.. stupid recipe for disaster..

    talk for god sake, and if you dont like the answer then draw the line in the sand


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,214 ✭✭✭wylo


    in fairness op , its an obvious one, he likes you as a person, and he also respects you, but he doesnt really fancy you. Hes even told you he doesnt want to string you along. It seems to me he has given you every hint and warning that it is a no strings attached relationship and its up to you whether you want to continue with the way it is now or just end any sex with him.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 16,165 ✭✭✭✭brianthebard


    aidan24326 wrote: »
    That's pretty much it. He has a cosy arrangement that no single lad would turn down, great regular sex without any of the extra baggage that goes with an actual relationship.

    He's living with the op, that's more commitment and baggage than most relationships. Actually is there a chance op that he doesn't want to mess things up by having a formal relationship, which might blow up in yer faces and mean one of ye would have to move out? Perhaps he does like being with you, but seeing as ye live together it would automatically become a fairly serious relationship where ye would spend all your time together. You need to talk to him and see what exactly are his concerns, ask him to speak honestly with you without fear of conflict.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,894 ✭✭✭Chinafoot


    He's living with the op, that's more commitment and baggage than most relationships. Actually is there a chance op that he doesn't want to mess things up by having a formal relationship, which might blow up in yer faces and mean one of ye would have to move out? Perhaps he does like being with you, but seeing as ye live together it would automatically become a fairly serious relationship where ye would spend all your time together. You need to talk to him and see what exactly are his concerns, ask him to speak honestly with you without fear of conflict.

    +1

    Starting off a relationship while you live together could be very, very difficult. You don't usually hear of people moving in together after a few dates.

    Personally I'd either accept that it's a f*ckbuddy situation or I'd stop having sex with him completely and start looking elsewhere.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,163 ✭✭✭✭Liam Byrne


    I'm going to be "politically incorrect" here and state the obvious.

    People are saying that HE has a perfect little arrangement, but isn't it true to say that you do (or at least did) too ?

    True, it's a MAJOR pain to have to initiate EVERYTHING, but you had sex on tap when you wanted it and from the sounds of it it wasn't with a complete wanker, since he did nice things for you and bought you flowers, etc.

    I'm not avoiding the fact that from the sounds of it it seems that somewhere along the way you've decided that you want more from it, and you're entitled to that too.

    If you DO genuinely want more, and he's not giving it, then the advice above is the only way to go - stop what's been happening to date and, if necessary, look elsewhere.

    That's not being unfair to either of ye; it's just a fact of life if you want more and you've reached the limit of what's there. And it doesn't take from what is currently between ye, either - the same logic would apply at a different level if ye were properly "seeing" each other and one of you wanted marraige or kids and the other didn't - despite whatever was there you would have to recognise that you'd hit an impasse.

    And if you need to move out, I've a spare room !!! :D < < < Just kidding!!!! ;)

    Best of luck!!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    And if you need to move out, I've a spare room !!! :D < < < Just kidding!!!! ;)

    Best of luck!!![/QUOTE]

    Limerick???? Just kidding, a bit too far for me

    Thanks anyway.... for the advice and the offer


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 757 ✭✭✭milod


    Liam Byrne wrote: »
    I'm going to be "politically incorrect" here and state the obvious.

    People are saying that HE has a perfect little arrangement, but isn't it true to say that you do (or at least did) too ?

    +1

    I'm permanently surprised by how many people automatically assume that a guy is 'using' a girl for sex. This assumption is based on what exactly? All women are supposedly meek and subservient victims of male sexual assertiveness? Or perhaps women don't enjoy sex and merely dole it out like a treat for good behaviour?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,372 ✭✭✭The Bollox


    the only thing I will say is BE CAREFUL! you are living together, if you become proper boyfriend and girlfriend and something turns sour you will still have to live together (at least until one of you moves on)


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    :-) wrote: »
    not at all, I think I'm using him for sex more than he is using me :-) he is just strange likes his space and wants to be left alone when he feels like it

    why is that strange ? he is single, he can choose to do what he wants with his time

    if you are using him for sex, the why are you trying to hug and kiss him and demand he spends more time with you.

    i think you are deluding yourself, you are just a good mate he has sex with nothing else but you appear to have it up into a relationship


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    +1 to irishbird there.

    You are both getting what you want out of this. You are flatmates who have sex.

    You are building this up and looking for more than is actually there. He has prevaricated in his "dont knwo what he wants response" But basically this is the arrangement, he is single, you both have sex when you want.
    You share a flat.
    But essentially you are both single.

    I cannot see the point in bringing someone back to see what his reaction would be. I beleive that would be counterproductive

    If you are looking for something more, you are looking in the wrong quarter, by all means continue and start looking for someone who can provide the additional intimacy. But dont do it from game playing

    MOD HAT ON: this is not a dating site, keep to the topic.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭chocciebutton


    Three words, self explanatary(?)

    Eats, Shoots, Leaves!!!!!

    Sorry.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,008 ✭✭✭not yet


    :-) wrote: »
    not at all, I think I'm using him for sex more than he is using me :-) he is just strange likes his space and wants to be left alone when he feels like it

    So no different to most men then.........

    sounds like he just does not want a relationship,maybe couldn't be arsed with the pressure,as it stand he owes you nothing and could walk tomorrow.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 177 ✭✭Wing Walker


    :-) wrote: »
    This guy is my flatmate. Sex is amazing...

    I actually had to read the last bit about 3 times. If he's your flatmate, well and good. However, this sounds like more live-in lover to me and I'm not entirely sure who's got the better deal; but I'm thinking it's him.:rolleyes:

    If that's what you want too, go for it. But since you're here talking about it, and wondering if you're making the right choices, I think that you already know the answer. As many colleagues say to me, sh!t or get off the pot.

    Hope that helps?!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 252 ✭✭STUBBORNGIRL


    hey OP

    Someone told me this before when i was in a similar situation! IF he aint wanting a relationship with you then he is jsut not that into you!

    yes you are a friend with benefits but that is it! you have got to decide if you are okay with continuing like this but knowing that nothing more is going to come out of it! If not then i suggest you go and find yourself a proper boyfriend - someone that will love to be around you and treat you with the respect that you are looking for - (not to make him jealous cause that kinda game playing can only end one way, in tears)

    Stop the sex, stop initiating it if you want more because until you stop this you are not goign to feel any better in yourself! Time is beign wasted and there are many men out there ready to meet you! LEt this guy do his own thing -

    Good luck


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭syklops


    is it possible the OP's flatmate is as confused about the situation as I am?

    OP how did u sleep together the first time? I think that will help us with the background.

    I think he is confused. You sleep together the first time, ok, he assumes it was a once off. You seem good friends, and so he does nice things for you as nice guys do. You tell him about all the guys in work who eye you up, so he assumes you are both back in the friend zone. Then you initiate sex again. This confuses him even more.

    "Are we friends? Are we F**kbuddies? All the while we are still flatmates. Whats going on?"

    He does not know what the bounderies are, or his role in the relationship. Hence the tea and the flowers. As a result of not knowing where he stands, he is going to the "nice" guy default conclusion that he is in the wrong.

    My advice, sit down with him, don't sit too close, and don't be cuddling with him. Explain that the relationship didnt start in a normal fashion, and that maybe you are both a little confused with what is happening and you would like to talk about where you both see it going.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49 cgan086


    this guy sounds like a genius. your being played.
    wake up and move on:pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 751 ✭✭✭Colonel_McCoy


    Tell him you are considering and moving out and see what he does..........might be the shock he needs to move things along.


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Tell him you are considering and moving out and see what he does..........might be the shock he needs to move things along.
    The reason he is getting the better deal is because his sex is 'no strings', but the OP obviously sees it as more than that, or would like to at least. That's why if everything should go tits up, she'll be the one left hurt.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 62 ✭✭Loose Lips


    :-) wrote: »
    This guy is my flatmate. He enjoys spending time with me, thinks I'm a great company, good laugh, always says I'm gorgeous and sexy, he likes me as a person,he always helps me out and does all those nice little things for me, like he always makes me cup a tea every morning before he goes to work ( we leave the house at around the same time). We get on great. Sex is amazing..... but he says he doesn't know what he wants, he likes to be left on his own and do his own thing. He always needs a little push to start cuddling and things like that. He never initiates anything I always have to start with kissing and stuff. I like him a lot to and don't know if its worth it waiting for him to decide??? Few days back he got this amazing huge bunch of flowers said it was for being bad to me, but he has never been bad to me I don't know what to think....

    OP: It sounds like you are getting mixed messages from your flatmate. Sit him down and ask him where you stand and how he feels about you. Be honest about your feelings and ask him to be honest about his.

    Slan


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    hey OP

    Someone told me this before when i was in a similar situation! IF he aint wanting a relationship with you then he is jsut not that into you!

    Couldn't agree more...

    Btw how long has this been going on? Ye having sex? If it's recent then maybe he needs time and if its been going on for more than 4months then he just not that into you!


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