Should I do it?

LegacyUser

quick question, broke up with ex few months ago of 4 yrs, last time we spoke was about 2 weeks ago, agreed at the time not to speak for a month or so cause we wanted to move on, finding it very hard now not to just email/text and see how she is cause I miss her alot. both know it is v unlikely we will get back together, is it bad idea for me to text/email? i think though my real reason for texting/email is cause i am hoping she will say she misses me etc...when i know in reality she won't. should i just let it be so and not bother?

(apologies if these type of questions come up alot)

paulusdu

Don;t do it, these things take time, its like picking a scab, if you keep at it, you have a good chance you are going to make it worse for you. Leave it be and it will get better and heal.
Next time you get the urge to text or mail, walk away from the phone or your computer. I would also advise that you delete their email address and mobile number, but very few people ever do.

You can;t move on and they can;t move on if you keep in contact. Its really not fair on either one of you.

LegacyUser

spent the best part of 4 yrs though as best friends, is it really that bad to just text to say how are you or am i only really hurting myself? i probably know the answer to this question, just interested to hear others opinions

paulusdu

Wel then you need to show some respect for her for those 4 years, and abide by her wishes. Its as tough as hell, but all you are going to do is tick her off and end up getting hurt again.
Seriously, every time you get the urge, go and do something else.

You have to ask yourself, why are you sending her a text to say "hi", its just to open the lines of communication again. everything is still raw for both of you, you really need to give it time. make sure that you aren;t sitting around doing nothing, make sure you have something to do, friends around, family, anything.

But she asked you for something, you own her a month at least.

metamorphic

I hear ya Brother, nearly texted an ex of a year ago last night, just missed her and wanted to reach out, but I knew whatever the response it would have sent me into a downer for a couple of days. If she sent me a nice text in return I'd be all "ah she's lovely, I miss her". If it wasn't so nice it'd be "damn her, the wretch" so yeah, there is no winning in these cases.

Just leave it alone, and your mind will wander onto other things in time.

What happens after a month by the way? have a chat and see what the craic is? or is it just a brush off?

If it's more a brush off then start looking at other women as possible new GFs. No point in standing still if you're going to get more bad news in a months time.

Karen_*

I think that if you have to ask then you know its not a good idea.

And its very tough to leave things alone when you miss someone and when you're hurting but it really is the only way you'll heal. And its far better than having to heal a year down the line because they've met someone else. Keeping up the contact is a terrible idea. Its like putting a band aid on a broken leg. Don't do it mate. Be good to yourself.:)

LegacyUser

damn you's, i hate that you's are right, haha - this is not easy!!!!

jellie

you can make excuses for it all you like eg. "hoping she will say she misses me" - but even if she does miss you, what then? it makes it harder to know you both miss each other but arent together.

its a bad idea youll have a chat & then youll only end up thinking of her more, running the conversation over & over in your head, wondering why you broke up, etc.

& thats if she replies. think how much worse youll feel if she ignores you.

i know how you feel, its really really sh*t that you have to lose your best friend as well as your gf, but time & space is the only thing that will make it easier.

give it a few days, hopefully it will fade.

or alternatively, write the email, pour your heart out or whatever it is you want to say, but dont send it. it gets rid of all the emotions. but, make SURE you dont send it. i found that times when i really missed me ex i would write out the text i wanted to send & save it in my phone. then id read over it a couple of days later when i was feeling a bit better & be REALLY happy i hadnt sent it & delete it

Karen_*

shouldi wrote: »

damn you's, i hate that you's are right, haha - this is not easy!!!!

Well wasn't it good of us to conduct experiments of keeping in contact with exes and going through hell just so we could advise you correctly?:p

themacdaddy

you already know the answer from your post mate...don't do it....time is a healer but you gotta give it just that!

00_katie_00

you've got some great advice here, move on & upwards good luck! Lets move on to helping other ppl on this forum hehe

rvd156

Dude really feel for ya...

I agree with what everyone else say's here but I know how though it must be...

BE STRONG BROTHER...

LegacyUser

right, im not gonna do it, looks like another few months of me wrecking my head thinking about her a hundred times a day, great, can't wait......

time for some positive mental attitude!!!!

Burial

shouldi wrote: »

quick question, broke up with ex few months ago of 4 yrs, last time we spoke was about 2 weeks ago, agreed at the time not to speak for a month or so cause we wanted to move on, finding it very hard now not to just email/text and see how she is cause I miss her alot. both know it is v unlikely we will get back together, is it bad idea for me to text/email? i think though my real reason for texting/email is cause i am hoping she will say she misses me etc...when i know in reality she won't. should i just let it be so and not bother?

(apologies if these type of questions come up alot)

No don't do it. Wait the month.

Karen_*

shouldi wrote: »

right, im not gonna do it, looks like another few months of me wrecking my head thinking about her a hundred times a day, great, can't wait......

time for some positive mental attitude!!!!

Well you take a chance on people and you get hurt sometimes. But if you text or mail her you'll still be thinking of her hundreds of times a day. So its not going to make anything any better.

Boom_Bap

Nah dude, dont do it.

Was in a similar situation, with her for 3 years, broke up and we stupidly kept in contact, got back together again after laying out how we felt. After another 6 months we broke up. That was a few years ago and we have only spoken to each other once since then.

To be honest i think from time to time what she is up to as we where 'best friends' but what i have in my life now is far more beautiful than anything that transpired between us.

mbren

paulusdu wrote: »

You can;t move on and they can;t move on if you keep in contact. Its really not fair on either one of you.

+1. When my ex and I split up, we lost contact for about 18 months and then I randomly met her recently enough and we were able to get on fine.

We actually ended up having a great day and are still in contact as friends because we gave ourselves time to get over each other.

Just give it time and the wounds will heal.

Best of luck

unhappycamper

This would be a very selfish post but I am going ahead with it. I got dumped a month ago and have been feeling the exact same as you. Now here's the thing, I do miss my partner but I am starting to open my eyes of late. You see, even though I got dumped there was definitely a few times in the relationship where I knew that this girl was not the one for me, not my soul mate. Now maybe you and your partner were amazing friends, shared amazing times and even had an amazing bond and great times together, and that is allowed and certainly a wonderful thing.

Thats how it was for me anyway. ...


I have started to look at other women and I am gradually reminding myself that there is actually some girl out there who will blow my heart right out of my chest, and I think deep down pain and hurt and missing a good pal, x, whatever you want to call her is not enough to justify one last contact with her. Forget her, your not a sure match.

I know and maybe you do too that the girl you really want is floating around out there, and the reason women leave a comfortable relationship is because they have a sixth sense that tells them 'we both would be better moving on' where guys confuse loyalty with love. Girls don't confuse those factors.


So lift your head up and start to imagine, even fantasize about what is to come next and raise the bar to the place it should have been all along. It might take longer and we might both feel lonely at times but when the spark is there and you meet this new girl you will be glad you are in that moment in time. You will want to be know-where else on the planet, past, present, or future.

That split second of realization will change everything so sit tight and go out and have fun with z boyzzzzzzzzzzzzz....


Rock n roll!

jellie

unhappycamper wrote: »

This would be a very selfish post but I am going ahead with it. I got dumped a month ago and have been feeling the exact same as you. Now here's the thing, I do miss my partner but I am starting to open my eyes of late. You see, even though I got dumped there was definitely a few times in the relationship where I knew that this girl was not the one for me, not my soul mate. Now maybe you and your partner were amazing friends, shared amazing times and even had an amazing bond and great times together, and that is allowed and certainly a wonderful thing.

Thats how it was for me anyway. ...


I have started to look at other women and I am gradually reminding myself that there is actually some girl out there who will blow my heart right out of my chest, and I think deep down pain and hurt and missing a good pal, x, whatever you want to call her is not enough to justify one last contact with her. Forget her, your not a sure match.

I know and maybe you do too that the girl you really want is floating around out there, and the reason women leave a comfortable relationship is because they have a sixth sense that tells them 'we both would be better moving on' where guys confuse loyalty with love. Girls don't confuse those factors.


So lift your head up and start to imagine, even fantasize about what is to come next and raise the bar to the place it should have been all along. It might take longer and we might both feel lonely at times but when the spark is there and you meet this new girl you will be glad you are in that moment in time. You will want to be know-where else on the planet, past, present, or future.

That split second of realization will change everything so sit tight and go out and have fun with z boyzzzzzzzzzzzzz....


Rock n roll!

Wow this pretty much sums up the way im feeling about my ex. it hurts like hell, i loved him, but deep down i knew he wasnt 100% right for me & we wouldnt last.

all of which id forgotten! nice to be reminded

LegacyUser

ye, thanks for the response unhappycamper, very good post. i suppose im just not at that place yet where i am starting to imagine myself going out with someone else who can make me as happy as the ex did. ye, i see other girls now in work/out etc and think i defo would, but i still think that if i went out with any of them i dunno if id be as happy as i was with her. maybe there is a bit of me that thinks I won't get another girl like her.

saying that though, deep down there was things that got to me in our relationship so in reality maybe im just forgetting those things now and all im remembering is all the good memories.

just hope you's are right and eventually i will start feeling like there is someone right for me out there, because it doesn't feel like that at the moment, feel more like i've lost the someone. still not gonna contact her though as much as it is tough!