Bit of a long one

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

i'm writing this as i'm at my wits end and really don't know what to do in my life. I'll try to keep it short and just mention the main things but its going to end up long so apologies for that. I'm a single mum with a toddler living at home. I was engaged to her father and found out he was cheating on me when i was 6 months pregnant. When i found out he said he's a man and should be allowed his life, then he told me to get an abortion and i left returning to my family home. His girlfriend was sending me dreadful emails for a while claiming to kill me if i ever went near him or her country, wishing harm on my baby and i etc. He has since floated in and out of my life seeing my daughter a handful of times. He has never contributed to her and when we were together i paid for an awful lot, between that and costs around the birth the little savings i have are zero and i owe about 2000 on my credit card. I haven't heard from him in quite a while and don't know where he is or how to get in contact with him, i don't expect to hear from him soon.

So the week we broke up, my grandfather also passed away at the end of a difficult illness. I hadn't told my family i was pregnant yet as they are very 'Catholic' (i'm catholic too but i think you'll get my meaning) and knew they'd go crazy. I was afraid they'd want nothing to do with me either. When i told them they went crazy and said some really awful awful hurtful things. It was then decided that i should stay in my family home which fills me with dread. I had moved out as soon as i could because of the poor relationship with my mother. I had hoped that this would improve as i was an adult now. It hasn't really, my Mother is very very critical, always saying that her telling me i look like a slapper or deserve to be raped etc is her way of teaching me.

For as long as i remember i've had a hard time with depression, in my teens i struggled with suicidal thoughs which are coming back to me now. If it wasn't for my daughter i am certain i would have tried this, as it is i find it hard to fight these thoughts. My parents split up when i was very young and i have always had a very poor relationship with my Mother. My relationship with my Father is vague at best, he alienates himself from the family and we've just found out he's been married to a hateful woman for quite a while. This woman is very materialistic and goes nuts when my Father contributes to our family as she believes that its all her money he's giving away-its not she doesn't work, drives a bmw and claims its her own money that bought it. She hasn't spoken to me at all since she found out i was pregnant as i've let everyone down, she also told my Father that i cut contact off with her which isn't true.

Basically where i'm at now is my relationship with my Mother has just turned into hoards of abuse as she says she has to teach me. I work part time as i can't afford creche/sitter and it doesn't bring in much money to have much of a standard of life for me or my daughter. If i ask my Mother to babysit sometimes she does but the rest of the time she goes crazy that i'm taking advantage of her, she frequently says that soon she'll fall down dead and its all my fault.

Every day i hear that i'm a whore, i've let everyone down and ruined my daughters life by bringing into this life, i'm dirty, a slut, a slapper, i dress like a tramp, i'm filthy and disgusting and i'm not fit to look after my child myself-i really can't take anymore. I'm in fits of crying everyday, i'm trying so hard to be a good mother to my daughter but how can i when i'm so unhappy and everything is so hard? I've looked into social housing and tbh a big fear is to end up in a bad area where my daughter might fall in with the wrong crowd, i've given her such a crap start in life i don't want to make it worse. I don't earn enough for affordable housing and the social housing waiting lista are really long. I don't think i'd cope if i was living by myself with my daughter either.

I've tried talking to my Mother a lot it always ends up with her either screaming the above to me or me just saying i accept i am above, i feel so horrible about myself, my daughter deserves a much better mother than me and a better life than i can give her. I don't know what to do, i can't just leave as i have nowhere to go, i've tried talking with my mother but it never works, usually just makes it worse, i have very little free time and hardly ever see or speak to my friends. I'm just so so so unhappy and can't see a way out

RossFixxxed

I understand money is a concern but you need professional help on this. This is very very critical and a few extra euro will be well worth it.

Ignore what your mother says for now that is in no way helping and in no way how a mother should act.

Gotta run here but feel free to PM me in confidence if there's any help I can give, know plenty of people in banking/finance/loans and plenty of councellors who may be able to help as a favour to me!

Hope I'm allowed mention that!
Ross

SpookyDoll

Oh my God OP, I am so very sorry to hear all this. One thing strikes me strongly here, your Mother is abusing you mentally and emotionally.

She has weakened and depressed you and it will also be damaging your daughter, I know you are afraid of Social Housing due to possibly being put in a bad area and I understand that, but it seems to be the current situation is untenable.

I am not sure if you have grounds to go to a womens shelter, I just know what is happening to you is seriously abusive.

You have got to start thinking about getting out of there for you own sake and your daughters.

I think more practical advice and help should be along soon.

Meanwhile, keep your chin up, you are NONE of those things she says, you are just a normal girl who deserves so much better than this.

gubby

ohmygod.. I cried when I saw your post. You poor thing. please dont listen to your mother. she may think she is "teaching" you not to get caught again. I guess she has her own problems and maybe taking it out on you. as others have said. you do need to get out of there. you know I suppose that you would get rent allowance if you rented a house of apartment. Do you have any other relations that can listen to you even if they could not help you with money etc. You just need someone to give you a hug now and then and tell you that you are doing a great job taking care of your daughter. My daughter and her little girl have been living here with us for the past 5 yrs and I try to do the best I can for them but I know that they would be better off if they had their own place. I hope things work out for you soon. keep your head up. you are doing a great job and it may not seem like it now but I promise everything will work out for you. maybe you could talk to your doctor and he could put you in touch with some services.
God Bless you I will say a prayer for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I don't think its entirely my Mother, i know she can't be happy either to behave like this and i'm probably not the easiest person to be around. She's always talking about a neighbours daughter who was pregnant outside of marriage and how she got herself together all she does is wear tracksuite but my Mother sees covering up as a sign of respectability, if i wear a sleeveless or string top she goes crazy about me being such a whore and i look like i'm anyones for the taking. She's constantly saying no one would want me like this and i have to become more decent if i want to meet someone. I honestly think she believes it and i know she doesn't see it as hurtful when i tell her she's hurting me she gets into a sarcastic strop that she can't talk to her daughter or can't talk in her own home and goes on a rant about how horrible i am to live with and i'm arrogant and sneering and insulting. If i answer her with ok when she tells me to do something i usually get come back here, don't you walk away from me how dare you etc. I know its something about me that makes her so angry but i don't understand why she claims to love me and be supportive and is so hurtful. I find it really hard to do everything, i never have any energy unless i'm drunk and i hardly drink because i can't afford it. Everything is really difficult, changing a nappy, getting up, washing dishes. I even need to mentally prepare myself to walk to the bus stop, i feel like i'll cry at everything. I still haven't even sent in my one parent family form, i started thinking i'm upset today i'll do it tomorrow and now i'm just terrified to do it, i'm sure there will be some massive investigation as why i haven't done it and lots of questions and accusations and it will just be horrible. I hate talking to anyone i'm just waiting for the next bomb to go off. I know i'm not making much sense and i know a lot of people will think like my Mother that i'm just acting the victim but i'm really not. Before i met my ex i had a great job and a nice home, good friends and could easily afford things. Everythings just gotten so fcuked up now and i don't know where to begin to make it ok or if theres any way possible

SpookyDoll

LongStory, you sound very depressed, that feeling you have where everything is a massive effort and you have no energy, those are big red flags right there....

I know you dont think its entirely your Mother but from the little you've written here I really cant emphasise enough that I think she is a toxic presence in your life right now.

Its like she has infected your thoughts with her constant negativity. She sounds like she is indeed unhappy but its not an excuse for wearing you down mentally like this.

You need to start thinking of leaving this situation, you need to start getting breaks away at least from your Mother, gather some strength and start thinking about making plans to go.

It sounds so bad at the moment, you need to start getting some sort of support network around you.......Could you have Post natal depression?

I am sure there are support groups and help for that...

Anyone?

barbiegirl

Your depressed. You mum is making you depressed. Your mum has issues and she is passing them on to you and if you don't move you'll pass them on to your daughter.
Go to doctor. Get him/her to diagnose your depression, then document what is happening, talk to your social welfare office, get housing. Then look at help with child minding through the welfare services, get a job, save a deposit on a better place, in a better area and get yourself "sorted".
But the doctor first, then leave your mother to her own problems. You have a responsibility to your child and where you are now is not healthy.
Stay on here and you'll get support.

Nevyn

You need out of the toxic enviroment both for your sake and that of your child.
You need to make this happen, get the forums filled in, go to your dr and go to your local welfare officer and get help.
As for your mother she is not very christain or forgiving by the sounds of her and seems to be caught up in her own pride and anger. Next time she has a go like that tell her you are going to talk to her parish priest to ask advice about how to pray for her.

LegacyUser

Hi sorry to see what your going through ! You should see the doctor and talk to him/her about your situation your mum is totally out of order! The social welfare will help you but they will not pay your months rent in advance or your deposit,as for coucill houses don't count on that as you could be waiting quite a while!

dudara

OP - as well as considering moving away from your mother (who clearly has her own issues to deal with) you also need to consider taking some legal action against the father of your child in order to seek child maintenance. You are bringing up his child, therefore he should be assisting you financially.

Go to a Free Legal Aid centre - you won't have to pay.

LegacyUser

First thing's first, if you suffer, or think you may be suffering, from depression then you need to hit the doctor's. They'll probably refer you on to a psychiatric clinic and they'll take care of it from there. If you're put on medication it should be free for at least the first six months.

I've suffered with depression for over a decade now myself and it led to me, among other things, procrastinating over the simplest of tasks (filling out and posting a form, for example) as if there were an invisible wall between me and the thing I wanted to achieve.

Upon occasion I would interpret an innocent remark from a friend or family member as some sort of veiled attack on me and let it send me into a spiral of anger/sadness. I can only imagine what it must feel like being insulted in the way you have been.

So my advice would be simple: if you think you may be depressed go to a doctor and get referred, diagnosed and treated. Your situation seems quite bad, but if you're suffering from an untreated mood disorder you will find it much, much harder to make the situation better.

JuliusCaesar

saddo wrote: »

First thing's first, if you suffer, or think you may be suffering, from depression then you need to hit the doctor's. They'll probably refer you on to a psychiatric clinic and they'll take care of it from there. If you're put on medication it should be free for at least the first six months.

+1
But your medication and treatment / therapy through your local mental health service will be free as long as you need it.

Plus they have Social Workers who can help with maybe moving out or accessing childcare for free or cheap (depends on where you live what facilities are available).

also please go to FLAC as suggested. You could also go to OneFamily as Cherish (www.onefamily.ie - Helpline 1890 66 22 12) is now known, or the Federation of Services for Unmarried Parents (www.treoir.ie) for leaflets or advice. They are very very supportive!

AMK

There is no doubt your mother has issues but your priority has to be yourself and your daughter. Your current situation is her stick to beat you with at present but I bet if it wasn't that it would be something else. It sounds to me as if some type of verbal abuse has probably been going on in one form or another for as far back as you can remember. The reason I know this is that my mother treated me the same way.

At present, your mother holds the balance of power in your relationship. Please remember that what she is doing is not normal and is very, very wrong. You do not mention her relationship with your daughter, her grandchild. You need to consider whether she is trying to create a situation whereby she gets rid of you but keeps your child. Believe me, it happens, and I would be very concerned that her emotional abuse would result in you believing you are no good to your daughter and she would be better off with your mother and without you. Do not let this happen - your daughter will pay the price. You are her mother and it is you she needs, not anybody else. You might like to consider talking to the local priest about your mothers behaviour - given that she is religious he might be able to help.

See a doctor as soon as you can and explain your circumstances honestly and make an appointment with the local Welfare Officer. Take action now.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies! Relationship between my Mother and my daughter is great, she's every inch the doting grandmother but sometimes uses this against me, like saying to her oh i'm so tired because your mummy is such a lazy cow etc. My daughter is still a young toddler so doesn't realise these things yet. All in all she is a very happy and healthy child and i don't want to take her away from a situation thats good for her and bad for me to put her in a potentially worse situation for her thats better for me. As for her father i have no idea where he is, he moved and disconnected his mobile to hide from me and i don't even have a valid e mail address for him anymore To the best of my knowledge he is in France but i'm not 100%

LegacyUser

As regards the depression i have been to several counsellors and two psychiatrists, none of it has gone very well, some were downright hateful people and others were sympathtic but not helpful. I have tried medication, it didn't change anything for me and i've never been diagnosed. I would be slow to try that again. I've tried it on and off for about 10 years

SpookyDoll

LongStory, I am just curious to know what do you want from this thread. It seems to me that your problems are two-fold:
1. Your Mother's abusive attitude twords you
2. Your depression

Most posters have pointed out the importance of getting out of the situation you are in and also of getting some help with the depression.

But you dont seem to keen on removing yourself from the situation. It will definitely be damaging your daughter and looks to already have damaged you.

All in all she is a very happy and healthy child and i don't want to take her away from a situation thats good for her and bad for me to put her in a potentially worse situation for her thats better for me.

Potentially worse, but if you are a Mother, take control, surely you will move Heaven and Earth to see that it is NOT worse, I know your Mother has eroded your confidence, but unless you start wanting to claw it back you will never change things for the better for both yourself and your daughter. Its not a case of it just being better for you, its better for you both, whats good for your happiness and independance is good for ye both surely. Im not telling you what to do, I just wonder what is behind your reluctance to move out?
I would never let someone undermine me like that in front of my child, its not ok, and as your daughter grows up she might start doing the same too, if she see's Granny does it, thats what she will learn....

As regards the depression i have been to several counsellors and two psychiatrists, none of it has gone very well, some were downright hateful people and others were sympathtic but not helpful. I have tried medication, it didn't change anything for me and i've never been diagnosed. I would be slow to try that again. I've tried it on and off for about 10 years

You were not diagnosed, so they should not really have prescribed medication, it really could have made matters worse. Also if you want to expand on the whole thing with the psychiatrists etc it might help us understand more...Of course if you dont want to that is perfectly understandable.

Your Mother is definitely "Black Sheeping" you OP, that one thing is for sure. I think she has you in a very unhealthy relationship with her, she makes you believe it suits you but I think it takes a lot more from you than it gives.

LegacyUser

I left once since i last posted but was came back. All the family started laying the guilt on and i feel too weak to fight her and go against everybody and start a new life. She has told me if i leave to never come back. My father also asked her what was wrong and she made out like she is a long suffering victim of a horrible disgusting person. I am reluctant to move out because i know that will make our relationship worse, at the end of the day she's my Mother and i would like her to be my Mother , also i really am not very strong now. I feel quite beaten by life and this is stopping everyday from being a nice day and for me to become stronger and get more of a handle on things. I wrote the op when i was at a very very low point and just didn't know what else to do.