Not Getting Enough??

LegacyUser

Hey folks going unregistered.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year now and have been living with each other for a few months. I just feel that since we've moved in together our sex lives has taken a nose dive. We've gone from twice a day to once week or even once every 2 weeks. I'm just a normal red blooded male and wouldnt say I've got a huge sex drive but I think once a week is a little low. I have asked her a few times if everything is ok with her in regards to sex and she says there isnt a problem but gets upset thinking that i've a problem with it. I'd say I'd make 90% of the advances for sex and this gets to me as it makes me feel that pestering her for it. I need some advice people!!!

Marksie

this does seem to be a common enough issue.

You are perfectly entitled to ask the questions OP, but unfortunatley here defensive response is probably putting you off exploring it further.
You may have to change your approach in how you ask.
When she gets upset, do you stop questioning?

its a common reaction as the person thinks there is something wrong with them. But you may wish to not stop questioning, but waiting until they have got over the initial upset and then ask again. Openly.

How is your communication in general?
Do you think that living together has brought an air of complacency into the realtionship?

I would avoid trying to second guess whats in her head, all you can do is keep talking and asking.

As for initiating, well yes I really can see where your feelings of pestering come from, but tell me is initiation something you do when the telly has gone off and just before the lights go out for bed?

The situation may be more than a one way street you see, and unknowingly you may be adding to a sense of routine.
When you weren't living together, there was always the sense of it being more spontaneous.

My suggestion is to break the routine, make its somethinga little special again, its doesn't have to be major, just an awareness that her sexual arousal is not perhaps as immediate as yours.
Trying to draw you both out of the complacency trap by both setting aside time in your schedules to just be with each other as a couple

miles teg

you could try not instigating anything for a few weeks. After a week or 2 she'll notice and come to you asking if there's a problem. Just say you're doing what she's doing. She won't like that:pac: but she might realise that if you're not putting effort in then nothing happens at all

LegacyUser

Communications is good and apart from the sex our relationship is fine. There could be a little bit of complacency alright and I do agree with you that it does feel like it is becoming a routine (which I hate) but I've tried to be spontaneous but I've been rejected a few times which is a huge blow to my confidence.

LegacyUser

me and my oh are having an issue with this at the mo op,
The poblem started when we fell into a boring routine of only being intimate at bed time, this was a total turn off for me as i felt i was being slotted into his routine and i missed the sponteneity that we used to share, I started to reject his advances and never made the effort to instigate anything as my confidence sexually had taken a severe knock, this can turn into a huge issue as it's very very hard to relax and be intimate when you've a load of doubt and frustration associated with it.

My advice would be to to show her that you love her by having lots of hugs and cuddles that don't need to turn into full blown sex, also spend time seducing her and getting her in to the mood, if this doesn't work try asking her in a nice way if there's anything on her mind or anything she's like to do, show her that she's not just a body in the bed!!!

cafecolour

How much non-sexual physical time to you get in? ie cuddling on the couch watching a movie or such? Women esp. tend to like that a lot, and of course it can lead to other things as well. Though don't necessarily push for it when you are cuddling (esp. all the time) - you don't want her to think that you're only cuddling with her to get her horny.

Also add in little quick bits that don't lead to anything. A quick shoulder massage, a passing kiss or sensual stroke, a moment in the shower. Then go have a sly **** by yourself. Leave her slightly horned up but not satisfied at points, and get entire walking horniness levels up.

LegacyUser

Notgettit wrote: »

Communications is good and apart from the sex our relationship is fine. There could be a little bit of complacency alright and I do agree with you that it does feel like it is becoming a routine (which I hate) but I've tried to be spontaneous but I've been rejected a few times which is a huge blow to my confidence.

Sit your girlfriend down and ask her what the point of her is supposed to be.

SpookyDoll

I have asked her a few times if everything is ok with her in regards to sex and she says there isnt a problem but gets upset thinking that i've a problem with it

In the gentlest possible way be persistant OP, I know its difficult when she is "getting upset", but do not let that put you off.

She has to be a big girl and realise in a relationship your happiness and satisfaction are just as important as her own. She is happy but thats not enough. Dont mind her turning on the tears, stick to your guns.

Notgettit wrote: »

Communications is good and apart from the sex our relationship is fine. There could be a little bit of complacency alright and I do agree with you that it does feel like it is becoming a routine (which I hate) but I've tried to be spontaneous but I've been rejected a few times which is a huge blow to my confidence.

Another thing you need to talk to her about. Rejection from a partner can be soul destroying, does she understand that? She needs to realise its not really acceptable that she gets to control everything, its not balanced.

Sometimes partners are not really in the humour and thats fine, but it can become a lazy habit to say no. If she broke that habit and allowed herself to be persuaded she might realise that those unexpected encounters turn out to be some of the nicest!

Not just that, she needs to be initiating herself at least some of the time.

Anyway, you are doing nothing wrong so dont let her guilt manipulate you.
Keep the communication open and yes there is a problem so she needs to aknowledge that and understand it.

Burial

Notgettit wrote: »

Hey folks going unregistered.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year now and have been living with each other for a few months. I just feel that since we've moved in together our sex lives has taken a nose dive. We've gone from twice a day to once week or even once every 2 weeks. I'm just a normal red blooded male and wouldnt say I've got a huge sex drive but I think once a week is a little low. I have asked her a few times if everything is ok with her in regards to sex and she says there isnt a problem but gets upset thinking that i've a problem with it. I'd say I'd make 90% of the advances for sex and this gets to me as it makes me feel that pestering her for it. I need some advice people!!!

Your still getting more than me

Probably talk to her about it??

LegacyUser

As I've said I've raised the sex issue with her in the past and she is getting upset. Before when we talked about it she suggested that we need to put aside some time for sex,, I didnt want this as I dont want "Saturday" to be our sex day as this would be getting into a routine.

I've tried to seduce her and be spontaneous but it doesn't get anywhere, We are affectionate to each other and there is a lot of kissing and cuddling but it hardly ever turns into sex. If we start kissing and I'm getting horny the only way that it would turn into sex is when I ask for it.
I think that sex just doesn't cross her mind. However when we do have sex it is great and she really enjoys it - but getting to it is such a chore.
I thinking of satisfying my needs myself until she notices that sex is missing (this could be along time).

Do you think that me wanting sex more than once a week is too much?

Marksie

Notgettit wrote: »

As I've said I've raised the sex issue with her in the past and she is getting upset. Before when we talked about it she suggested that we need to put aside some time for sex,, I didnt want this as I dont want "Saturday" to be our sex day as this would be getting into a routine.

I believe You have made a huge mistake here. Its not the fact she wants to set aside the time to do this that makes the routine, its what you do in it.

She is absolutely correct in what she says, i am afraid that its changing my views on whats happening here.

She has come across with a great way of doing things and you have shot it down without a second thought, because you couldn't see what she was saying.

Notgettit wrote: »

I've tried to seduce her and be spontaneous but it doesn't get anywhere, We are affectionate to each other and there is a lot of kissing and cuddling but it hardly ever turns into sex. If we start kissing and I'm getting horny the only way that it would turn into sex is when I ask for it.

Me and I .

Listen, your may believe your communication is good but she is saying things to you and you aren't open to listening.

One of the things about routine is the fact that sex becomes juts somethng else to do when one person or the other wants to and the other half can't be bothered saying no.
One of the ways to get around this, and you dont have to be tantric..look around for couples issues, and you will see that "setting aside time" for sex is a very good way or getting things connected again.

You can go to town and really connect if you use imagination and openness....

Do you know what the net result of that is???

Be open and spend hours in the space, and in coming out of the space, spontenaity becomes juts that, the sex increases outside of the "ritual" or set aside time.
Several reasons, not the least being she realsies she is something more than to be used when you feel horny.

Notgettit wrote: »

I think that sex just doesn't cross her mind. However when we do have sex it is great and she really enjoys it - but getting to it is such a chore.
I thinking of satisfying my needs myself until she notices that sex is missing (this could be along time).

I think it does cross her mind, i am tending to believe that she sees it as something more than stress relief, and i am not sure you do.

Notgettit wrote: »

Do you think that me wanting sex more than once a week is too much?

I think the "me wanting" is the crucial thing here.

You see i was working on the assumption that your OH was avoiding the issue.
This post by you has flipped it 180 degrees.

Far from avoiding sex, she has come up with a very good way of beginning to enhance it.

You havent taken on board what she was saying. Go back, revisit her suggestion and look around on the net for what is being said about setting time aside, creating a sacred space and how to use what she has offered to really expand where you are

Money Shot

Notgettit wrote: »

As I've said I've raised the sex issue with her in the past and she is getting upset. Before when we talked about it she suggested that we need to put aside some time for sex,, I didnt want this as I dont want "Saturday" to be our sex day as this would be getting into a routine.

I've tried to seduce her and be spontaneous but it doesn't get anywhere, We are affectionate to each other and there is a lot of kissing and cuddling but it hardly ever turns into sex. If we start kissing and I'm getting horny the only way that it would turn into sex is when I ask for it.
I think that sex just doesn't cross her mind. However when we do have sex it is great and she really enjoys it - but getting to it is such a chore.
I thinking of satisfying my needs myself until she notices that sex is missing (this could be along time).

Do you think that me wanting sex more than once a week is too much?

You shouldn't have to practically beg for a bit of the ole 'in out in out'. It kind of ruins the mood when you have to. As for having to initiate it all the time, that's a bit of a turn off too, and you think 'what's the point ?', i'll sort myself out. The inequity is whenever a woman wants it, she gets it, a man will have to beg and take several knockbacks when he wants it before he gets a hit. It's just not worth it - S@x shouldn't be a chore. A lot of women just don't try in terms of that side of relationships. How many men get spontaneous BJ's from their long term gf's or wives - i'd say less than 5% if I was to pull a pointless figure out of the air.

In short, welcome to world of relationships between men and women. I think you'll find most women in settled relationships will revert to the above behaviour. He awaits the onslaught from perfect wives and girlfriends.;)

LegacyUser

Marksie,
Some good points brought up there. I think we have to revisit our sex life together and have a very adult conversation about it rather than "I dont think we're doing it enough" I suppose the hardest fact for me is bringing it up as everytime I have I've upset her. I have to think about how I can approach the subject tactfully without her getting too upset again.
I dont see her as a sex object, I see her as the girl I love and I suppose its my appetite for sex is not being met that is frustrating me. But I'd much rather fulfil my "needs" with her than with my hand.

LegacyUser

Money Shot wrote: »

I think you'll find most women in settled relationships will revert to the above behaviour. He awaits the onslaught from perfect wives and girlfriends.;)

I agree with that to an extent. I've been with the oh for 2 years. Its gone from really hot exciting situations to only a bed time thing in pj's. I'd say its both our fault

Marksie

Notgettit wrote: »

Marksie,
Some good points brought up there. I think we have to revisit our sex life together and have a very adult conversation about it rather than "I dont think we're doing it enough" I suppose the hardest fact for me is bringing it up as everytime I have I've upset her. I have to think about how I can approach the subject tactfully without her getting too upset again.
I dont see her as a sex object, I see her as the girl I love and I suppose its my appetite for sex is not being met that is frustrating me. But I'd much rather fulfil my "needs" with her than with my hand.

May i suggest?

Have a look at what is written about "time outs" what to do and how to do it in general terms.

Ensure that its designed to be long and playful and intimate.

So have some ideas of what is being said.
Then have the talk, but don't start it with we ain't getting it enough.

But along the lines of: Do you remember when you said you wanted time set aside..... well i have been thinking about it and i think its a good idea.
Do you have and suggestions, because i would like this to be just about "us" and have been thinking it would be nice to...x,y,Z...what do you think?

Don't mention the frequency at all, but allow the nights to just be something that happens.

Its a positive means of breaking the ice in the conversation as you are acknowledging you were listening and are capable of thinking and talking things through.

Anyhoo..its only a suggestion on how to talk positively and openly on a tricky subject.

trio

The one thing that doesn't appear to have occurred to the OP (or at least he hasn't mentioned it) is that his girlfriend plainly just has a lower sex drive!

You want to have sex a few times a week, but her libido tells her once every week or so tops her up nicely. Yet you seem to think that she's the one who ideally should change.

Newsflash - that's not going to happen. You two have to compromise. As someone else says, she's suggested a compromise - she's suggested a day where you can both look forward to it, and really get down to it. She plainly enjoys sex, and obviously knows that less than once a week is a no-no for you, so she's suggesting a weekly bang to keep up the momentum.

She's never going to be a 3 times a week girl. Wanting her to adapt to your libido is just going to give you a girlfriend who is seriously under sexual pressure to perform and deliver. No wonder she got a bit upset.

If the weekly thing works out, then maybe after a while, if all is rosy in the garden, you may be able to suggest adding a mid-week session. But if she is wrecked after work, this may frankly be the last thing she's in the humour for.

TheZohanS

There seems to be an underlying issue here that hasn't been addressed.

If your girlfriend likes sex more often at the beginning of your relationship then there is a fair chance that you can go back to the good old times.

You've been in the relationship for 2 years so maybe you have fallen into a routine - and I'm not just talking about your sex life.

Make the time to spice things up a bit and do new things with her, activities etc, don't initiate sex, let it happen naturally...and when it does happen don't just confine it to the bedroom...unless you're sharing a house with others!

SpookyDoll

trio wrote: »

The one thing that doesn't appear to have occurred to the OP (or at least he hasn't mentioned it) is that his girlfriend plainly just has a lower sex drive!

You want to have sex a few times a week, but her libido tells her once every week or so tops her up nicely. Yet you seem to think that she's the one who ideally should change.

Newsflash - that's not going to happen. You two have to compromise. As someone else says, she's suggested a compromise - she's suggested a day where you can both look forward to it, and really get down to it. She plainly enjoys sex, and obviously knows that less than once a week is a no-no for you, so she's suggesting a weekly bang to keep up the momentum.

She's never going to be a 3 times a week girl. Wanting her to adapt to your libido is just going to give you a girlfriend who is seriously under sexual pressure to perform and deliver. No wonder she got a bit upset.

If the weekly thing works out, then maybe after a while, if all is rosy in the garden, you may be able to suggest adding a mid-week session. But if she is wrecked after work, this may frankly be the last thing she's in the humour for.

I think this is unfair, OP has not asked her to come back to once a day or twice a day at all.

She has ungraciously thrown him a once a week "appointment" which suits HER, how is that 50% compromise on her part?
Its not even close.

She wants once a fortnight, he probably wants once a day but I imagine he would settle for twice a week.

So out of 14 that he wants, she "gives him" 2, to be called a compromise it should be 7.

But more importantly I think than the frequency is that she stop rejecting him and begin initiating sometimes and show him she loves and desires him.

Her attitude that it all has to suit her and revolve around her every whim is totally unfair, oh and if he tries to open a discussion about it she gets "upset" -Guilt manipulation, giving your boyfriend sex when you are not in the humour is hardly a big deal -lets stop pretending it is FFS. Getting upset about it is just a tad overdramatic and sorry to say but quite selfish.

Yes, they have two different libidos, but if they love each other they have to compromise PROPERLY, not just a token gesture on her behalf where she can compartmentalise sex into one handy appointment a week and she remains in control of him. He's the one doing all the compromising at present and she doesn't seem to mind that.

Either she is a proper participant in the relationship or she is not, saying oh Boo hoo poor me I have a low libido so you'll just have to like it or lump it or I will cry is just not good enough behaviour.

trio

giving your boyfriend sex when you are not in the humour is hardly a big deal -lets stop pretending it is FFS

Well lets ask the OP.

OP, do you want her to have sex with you when you want to but she doesn't want to?

SpookyDoll

Trio, thats the nature of relationships, compromise, we all do things we aint in the humour for sometimes.

I doubt all the fellas in this world are in raptures fulfilling our needs day and night but they still do it, a little give and take is what its all about.

trio

Yeah, but you're talking about all the time. Every single week of her life, she should give him sex every second day even though she doesn't want to and he knows she doesn't want to. That's insane. It's also one good way to kill off her desire for him permanently.

SpookyDoll

Not exactly, I was rather saying that her idea of a compromise falls way short, a token gesture given with reluctance and without discussion.

Its up to the couple themselves to decide the terms bilaterally, if they are going to go forward through this problem. And for that to take place both sides have to aknowledge that there is a problem. At present she seems reluctant to listen properly to the lad without getting upset. I dont think she has anything to fear by listening to him.

Neither side should be dictating the terms. I think intimacy and the feeling that they are both connecting properly is what could go by the wayside here if she doesn't start realising there is a problem and he is serious.

I know if she does have a low libido this will require some effort from her but equally it is also requiring understanding and patience on his behalf.

I just dont think that OP should settle for the token gesture and be afraid to have a proper discussion about it because it might end with tears etc.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat... recently moved in with g/f and lack of sex is ruining me.
What's worse is, she'd talk about doing it, or make some sexy remark, but then when we're back in the apartment, nothing happens.
She even made comments before we moved in that when we would, we'd be doing it whenever and more regularly. It's actually worse now, and I only used to see her on weekends before we moved in.
I know the whole routine of living together is a bore sometimes, and a lot of the excitement goes, but she just doesn't seem to want to make time. My suggestions for 'early nights' go out the window. I just seem to be putting in all the effort and I can't go on. It's getting me so depressed, yet when I broach the subject, she gets annoyed and won't listen.
I don't know what my question or rant is anymore. I see no other option but to leave her

LegacyUser

Hello again!!
Its not that I want it every night - I want her to want it!! I hate asking for it!
I wouldn't leave her over it - well not at the moment - I love her - We're in our late 20's and we're planning our future together and i just dont want to be stuck in a realtionship that sex is not important, its important to me. I just need to get the spark back. She had a huge sex drive that we both enjoyed but its faded!!