A poem i wrote

Wise-one

Hi guys, this is a poem i wrote.Im not claiming to be Seamus Heaneyi know it's a very simple poem but just let me know if you like it. xx

School Tie


As he steps into his suit of armour
for the very last time.
He thinks regretfully of his parents-
This is not their crime.



The crunch of gravel under his feet
sooths him slightly,
he blocks out other sounds
and marches to his own death beat.


To the place he thinks of as prison.
None of the inmates pay him any attention
as he slinks away
to where no-one can listen.


He chose the time,
maybe it chose him.
Now its up,its over.
He is going to the place where he cannot sin.



If someone had talked to this troubled young guy,
It might have stopped him wanting to die.
But no-one did.
He hung himself with his school tie.

Matt Holck

strong tie

I would eliminate word to tighten the rhyme


As he steps into his armour
for the very last time.
He thinks of his parents-
This is not their crime.

lmtduffy

I like this alot its very well done,

and because I like it so much I have a need to make some suggestions,

"and marches to his own death beat.


To the place he thinks of as prison."

maybe keep up the analogy consistent and say something like to his prison as in the next lien you refer to inmates you dont say his school mates who to him are inmates, it keeps it tighter I think, and maybe loose the full stop at the end of beat.

"If someone had talked to this troubled young guy,"

I also dont think it necessary to say troubled guy as its quiet evident hes troubled I know it helps the rhyme but I consider it a lazy way of rhyming.

Do give us more eventually,

Matt Holck

full stops are not intrusive.
And I think they help the reader follow the logic of the sentences

lmtduffy

well look at it conventionally as a sentence,

and marches to his own death beat. To the place he thinks of as prison.

or

and marches to his own death beat, To the place he thinks of as prison.

poetic licence is always good when used right,
when it is justified.

I dont think in this case it is justified.

also note that each stanza ends with a full stop,
this could be a remnant left over from the formula like idea of poetry school can sometimes leave in people.

Matt Holck

I usually end setences with stanzas for organizational reason
though an occasional break is fine


I would have stayed to sentence convention

and marches to his own death beat

to the place he thinks of as prison.

Wise-one

Thanks guys this is all very helpful!

pickarooney

I like it, but am not sure why you choose to have some stanzas rhyme and others not or else do so in a different rhyming order.

Also, the suit of armour image jsut doesn't fit with the rest of it for me. I don't know what it's referring to in this context.

The last verse is great. I like the implied pause between the third and last lines.

Homer Sexual

I wrote a poem on the same subject. *ahem* Short and sweet. hope u like it!

For the last time I looked around
Unhinged, uncoiled, ready to sound
Clasping hold of my own rage
Keeping well within my stage

My heart was beating, cold as ice
Creeping up to shock me thrice
Don't worry, I won't eat the rice.
!Warning! said the sign, "all play nice..."

Wise-one

pickarooney wrote: »

I like it, but am not sure why you choose to have some stanzas rhyme and others not or else do so in a different rhyming order.

Also, the suit of armour image jsut doesn't fit with the rest of it for me. I don't know what it's referring to in this context.

Thanks for takin the time to comment pickarooney.

The suit of armour refers to the guard the character puts up every day when he goes to school it is a metaphor really also implying his school uniform


ALl verses rhyme but i prefer not to keep to a strict structure if it means i have to compromise the meaning and the flow of the poem...thanks for readin!

Homer Sexual

Homer Sexual wrote: »

I wrote a poem on the same subject. *ahem* Short and sweet. hope u like it!

For the last time I looked around
Unhinged, uncoiled, ready to sound
Clasping hold of my own rage
Keeping well within my stage

My heart was beating, cold as ice
Creeping up to shock me thrice
Don't worry, I won't eat the rice.
!Warning! said the sign, "all play nice..."

Wow, 2 months and nobody noticed yet.

Matt Holck

perhaps this stage is not frequented enough

I like rice

Insect Overlord

Homer Sexual wrote: »

Wow, 2 months and nobody noticed yet.

Matt Holck wrote: »

perhaps this stage is not frequented enough

I like rice

Or perhaps he should have made his own thread for it...

Homer Sexual

You guys know what I'm talking about, right?

Matt Holck

some one self expression was muted by the system
so he hung himself by the rules of that system

petethebrick

pickarooney wrote: »

I like it, but am not sure why you choose to have some stanzas rhyme and others not or else do so in a different rhyming order.

Also, the suit of armour image jsut doesn't fit with the rest of it for me. I don't know what it's referring to in this context.

The last verse is great. I like the implied pause between the third and last lines.

I agree that the suit of armour image seems out of place - are you suggesting that he feels his uniform protects him? Surely the attire of a place he considers a prison would not be associated with such sentiment?

Insect Overlord

petethebrick wrote: »

I agree that the suit of armour image seems out of place - are you suggesting that he feels his uniform protects him? Surely the attire of a place he considers a prison would not be associated with such sentiment?

Suits of armour are traditionally quite heavy weights to bear.