So bloody miserable

LegacyUser

I will try keep this brief but i fear i cant, i am a male student and today was my first day. I am studyin away from home but thats not the cause of my misery. I have battled alot and overcome some fierce hurdles to get here and i should be delighted but i am not. I feel so depressed that i literally wish i was dead. Last night i came real close to doing it and have thought about it for months. If i am honest i have suffered with depression for a long time and i have done the counsellin and anti depressants and neither have helped really.

I just feel broken inside, like even if i do manage to pick myself somethin comes along to knock me down further then i was before, my gran dyin and then less then 7 months later a very close friend committing suicide i feel crushed inside and i feel like i have a year of tears in my chest but even when i do cry it is for only a few minutes like i cant get it all out of my system even when i am sat alone. It only comes out when i am drunk.

My gf of 16 months has done some things to me recently that have left me even more broken inside and no i am no saint but she has done worse and admits it. Any friends i had here (i have lived here over three years hence the not bein at home thing not bein a big factor cos i get home most weekends) but my friends have all finished uni and moved out of the country and i am left alone.

I dont know what to do or how to make the hurt stop except to finish it

Dudess

You can't deal with this alone - you need to speak to a professional. You say counselling didn't seem to do much for you, well go to another counsellor. There is light at the end of the tunnel - I promise you. It doesn't seem like that right now from your perspective but I'm not trying to give you false hope. Please talk to someone as soon as possible.

Wibbs

Can you elaborate more on the stuff that has brought you to this point?

Karen_*

You don't want to finish it really or you wouldn't have posted here. And I'm not suprised you did because from your post you don't sound like a quitter to me. You're after having an awful time of it so its not suprising really that you're feeling this low. Plus you're now in a strange place. So that doesn't help either really.

Can you ring your mam or a relative or even try calling the samaritans? Sometimes in counselling you go in and talk but its to a set time and the real sadness can come when you're alone.

I know it must feel like the world is coming in on top of you but you're grieving too and that takes a bit of time to get over.

Your mam would hate to think of you sitting there feeling like this. And there are people who really love you who would never get over it if anyhting happened to you. Please call someone.

LegacyUser

Dudess i have seen three of them now i understand what you are sayin but i went into each counsellor totally honest and open and i am now far worse off then i was before it

Wibbs if i go into it too much certain boards users might know who i am, it is me the last few years and everythin that has happened to me, the way to describe it is just constant misery and self loathing amongst other things but of course i hide it behind a smile when i am dyin inside

The two things i touched on would be big things like i was depressed before my gran died which emotionally and mentally knocked me to my knees and then my friend committed suicide and that put me on my back and one thing that kept me goin was thinkin i was strong enough to keep goin and come out the other side but now i feel drained and as strong as a marshmallow

Wibbs

alone+inhell wrote: »

Dudess i have seen three of them now i understand what you are sayin but i went into each counsellor totally honest and open and i am now far worse off then i was before it

It's like every profession. Sadly just because it's in the health/medical sphere doesn't mean you don't get eejits. Or you didn't meet one of these types you could connect with. Could be that simple.

Wibbs if i go into it too much certain boards users might know who i am,

Ah right. Got ya. Duuuuuh on my part.

it is me the last few years and everythin that has happened to me, the way to describe it is just constant misery and self loathing amongst other things but of course i hide it behind a smile when i am dyin inside

Still and all, you're still here.

The two things i touched on would be big things like i was depressed before my gran died which emotionally and mentally knocked me to my knees and then my friend committed suicide and that put me on my back and one thing that kept me goin was thinkin i was strong enough to keep goin and come out the other side but now i feel drained and as strong as a marshmallow

Yea but here you are. All that shíte and... oh look, you've gone through it. Look at all the times when you may not have, yet here you are. One of life's survivors. What kept you going will keep you going still.

Victor

alone+inhell wrote: »

I dont know what to do or how to make the hurt stop except to finish it

I think that will only tranfer the hurt to someone else.

Can I suggest you talk to someone? Friends, family, the Samaritans? www.samaritans.org

Footsteps In The Sand

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.


When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.


This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."


The LORD replied:
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you,
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


Author unknown

Now, you don't need to believe in God, you don't have to believe in counselling and medication, but something has carried you through those troubled times - you can go on.

Craft25

might be wrong here but here goes.. and forgive me if the analagy seems a little trivial its only for illustration purposes:

alone+inhell wrote: »

one thing that kept me goin was thinkin i was strong enough to keep goin and come out the other side but now i feel drained and as strong as a marshmallow

you know when you go on the piss the weekend, late nights, but you still rock into work monday, get through it just about, tuesday is fine top of the world, then wednesday hits you like a ton of bricks and you can barely make it through..

well you got through those tough times by being strong, and fair play to you that was probably for the benefit of others around you, it goes to illustrate what a strong and valuable person you are, but now wednesday has hit and its all caught up on you and thats not youre fault you're only human... you need to make it through the day, go home pour yourself a hot bath, have a hot chocolate and rest... take care of yourself mate, really make an effort to take care of yourself..

if the person you most love in the world came to you and said in earnest that he/she wanted to end it.. what would you say to him/her?.. "you cant, i love you... you are the most wonderful person in my life.. the world cant afford to lose a person like you"... you need to learn to say these things to yourself

LegacyUser

Karen i couldnt talk to my mother, let me give you an example i was attacked for no reason when younger and was lucky to not have had much damage done, they (parents) expected ME to apologise to THEM (Parents) for "bringin trouble on them" so guess how far talkin bout this would go

Wibbs i did feel strong, but the way it feels now its a case of it doesnt come back its just like drinkin water from a cup keep drinkin and its gone and thats how i feel bout bein strong and bein able to cope

Victor i am a man of faith thats part of why i havent done it as well because of the ramifications of if i do take my own life what happens afterward and you quoted one of my favourite religious quotes

snowdaze

I would say that you should never underestimate the effect of the death of a grandparent on you....you have been through an awful lot...you have also lost someone to suicide.

I would say that it is very hard for those close to you to support you because they too are suffering too but maybe in a different way...

or you might not have anyone capable of recognising and empathising with your grief/sadness...some of us don't show it and appear strong and therefore don't seem to need support.....

Also having problems with your relationship really puts the tin hat on everything...

I feel I can relate a lot to what you are going through....the year I started college I lost a family member to suicide, both grandparents I had, a family member to a car accident and a work colleague to a sudden death....all that and starting college in another country...woah!! The people I needed to support me weren't able to because they too were going through the grief of unexplainable loss...I was so confused adn like you I too wondered why I should exist at all....times were very tough indeed.....quitting college, quitting life were all considerations I had.....I don't know what saved me really....retail therapy, student debt, alcohol, skipping college, writing bizarre poetry trying to put into words those feelings I had.....I wenbt to places I felt safe and loved.....older relatives perhaps amd I used support services in college....I can not say how nice all the people were that I met on the way - and I wasn't half grateful enough to them at the time...I was too busy trying to find my way....
I must add that I had also had a b/f of a few years who did the dirty badly on me and that was just another kick in the teeth..

You will come through it - you will get longer periods of being able to cope and shorter periods of feeling fretful/worried/upset/confused etc....there are so many good and nice people out there and they will help you...without wanting anything in return accept your happiness....people on here will help you too

There isn't a magic solution and nobody really has a blissfully perfect life....I often found it strange throughout my life when people said they envied what I had etc...I always thought I had nothing and envied others who seemed happy and content....it was the way I was looking at things and not seeing myself at all...wanting something else and not accepting what I had...some of us are just made that way...in can be the way we are reared....brought up by parents with low self esteem and it gets passed on etc

sorry for rambling....

all turned good in the end by the way but life aint rosy 100% and that is normal....some folk get the bad luck in a steady drop and others getting a whole bucketful once in a while.......not as easy to cope with but not impossible either.....Rome wasn't built in a day and all that ...it is all true

I am sure you can turn this around and post back in a few weeks/ months whatever it takes with a brighter outlook....it won't be tonight or tomorrow but keep posting and chatting.....you must get decent sleep too!
I could say to listen to music or watch a film but I know when you are feeling down you read into everything the wrong way and it makes it worse....that bottle can be half empty a lot of the time and that is the only way it can look.....but one day it will be half full and remember that:)

Looking forward to reading your posts and take care of yourself!!!!!

I would also recommend your local family life centre for free support services:)

Dudess

Great post snowdaze - wow, you've been to hell and back. I'm awfully sorry you experienced that, but I'm also full of admiration for how you've dealt with things. It's so true - I didn't have problems like yours but I had some, and I was very negative and unable to focus on the good in my life, only the not so good. It really is all about how you deal with things. And yeah, my relationship with my dad wasn't the most amazing, which certainly contributed. Things are better between us now though.

OP, that's dreadful about your folks and how unsupportive they were.

A guy I know was in similar circumstances to you - perhaps he might have been even more depressed (not trivialising your situation - even the mildest depression can be hell). He underwent everything possible: hospitalisation, tons of medications, eventually ECT. He took an overdose but was ok (thank ****)... what finally helped him - and did an amazing job - was cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). He is like a new person now - please consider this.
Also, you may not need anti depressants (they are not always necessary) but you may. There are many types - if one doesn't work for you, another might. But I'm obviously not making a diagnosis - this is something you have to discuss with your doctor/other relevant health professional.

If college is taking its toll, leave it aside for a while - you can always go back to it. Right now, focus on getting well. You have enough on your plate with that - college pressure is the last thing you need.

Also, I'm not lecturing you, but when you feel like ending it, think about what the suicide of your friend did to his/her family and friends... I know you feel at the end of your tether but don't cause that kind of pain - you know what it's like yourself.
And it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Finally, never forget you are NOT alone.

Best wishes...

Allah Hu Akbar

alone+inhell wrote: »

I will try keep this brief but i fear i cant, i am a male student and today was my first day. I am studyin away from home but thats not the cause of my misery. I have battled alot and overcome some fierce hurdles to get here and i should be delighted but i am not. I feel so depressed that i literally wish i was dead. Last night i came real close to doing it and have thought about it for months. If i am honest i have suffered with depression for a long time and i have done the counsellin and anti depressants and neither have helped really.

I just feel broken inside, like even if i do manage to pick myself somethin comes along to knock me down further then i was before, my gran dyin and then less then 7 months later a very close friend committing suicide i feel crushed inside and i feel like i have a year of tears in my chest but even when i do cry it is for only a few minutes like i cant get it all out of my system even when i am sat alone. It only comes out when i am drunk.

My gf of 16 months has done some things to me recently that have left me even more broken inside and no i am no saint but she has done worse and admits it. Any friends i had here (i have lived here over three years hence the not bein at home thing not bein a big factor cos i get home most weekends) but my friends have all finished uni and moved out of the country and i am left alone.

I dont know what to do or how to make the hurt stop except to finish it

please do not ask people to pm you

mbren

Hey Op,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but as other posters have said, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I actually went through a similar rough patch last year and like you, everytime I tried to be proactive about making things better, something else came and made be more miserable. It was like the old 1 step forward and 2 back kind of thing.

The good news is though, that I have bounced back and I am now a new person...believe me, if I can do it, you definitely can. What I did, is found a councillor that I felt really comfortable with and told him everything. If you are completely honest, they can help a great deal.

Regarding your friend's suicide, I can't say sorry enough. What I will say is though, think of the hurt your friend has inflicted on you and everyone he know's by killing himself. If you do the same, your going to leave even more people feeling the same way again.

Just go and talk to someone, even ring the Samaritans. Just remember, you don't have to go through this alone and there is always someone willing to help.

Best of luck Op, and remember to try and be positive.