Am I aiming above my league?

LegacyUser

Hi Im 27, quite good looking afaik, and a nice social friendly bloke. I haven't gone out with someone in about 5 years and I rarely score, maybe once every 6 months. Im not the most confident in bed but can please well with my hands. This in itself seems childish and embarrassing for my age.

Im also not great at flirting really but can still tend to get women to like me. On a whole I am not good when it comes to women, I was asked by some friends at one stage was I gay.

The problem is Ive recently had some opportunities...twice in the past 2 weeks Ive had chances to get with women that I knew liked me,(told by their friends, and also it was fairly obvious) and I still avoided the opportunities. The problem is I dont understand why. Sometimes I think Im just avoiding sex because im sort of "afraid" of it but then again I say to myself that I'm genuinely not attracted to some of these women. Some of my friends are then left wondering why I throw away opportunities.
Just a few questions:
Do you think im going out of my league? I know you dont know what I look like but do you think this is a common thing that people tend to do?

Girls, what would you think about meeting a guy and after a few dates,although you liked him he wasnt great in bed? maybe good at pleasing in other ways though.

Can anyone else relate to this kind of problem and did they solve it?


Sorry about the messy post, it seems like I sort of posted 2 problems in one but any help would be really really appreciated.

Karen_*

Firstly, how are you going out of your league if you're not trying to get with any women?

And secondly, its very rare you get into bed with someone who's fantastic. Moreoften than not a first time with anyone is a bit of a nervous time and you don't know each others bodies so it can seem a bit rubbish.

Personally if I really really liked a guy then I wouldn't judge him on what he was like in bed the first few times. Things get better when you get to know each other.

krpc

OP, what are you looking for when you meet someone?

Some people look for random hook-ups, some people meet people with a view to whatever happens, happens and others are looking for that special someone and don't waste time on those that they believe aren't the 'one'.

Could it be that you are not availing of these opportunities you mention because there's no connection? Some people only need a physical attraction to be with someone, so perhaps you're someone that needs something more than how someone looks in order to be attracted to them?

newestUser

Without having a lot to go on, my guess is you're settling for less. You've low self esteem and are scoring 'sure-things' as opposed to women you're really attracted to, because they're less work and it doesn't really hurt when they reject you, because sure you're not even attracted to them. That's me reading between the lines, big time.

You just need to lose your fear of looking stupid, or of being bad in bed. It's going to turn into a self-fulfilling thing. You'll never get good, or comfortable with your performance in bed if you avoid any opportunity to score!

SnowMonkey

Dude chill out ....

so you can work with your hands its allways important to preheat the oven.....

that in it self is good in bed i would of thaught ?

what because you dont feel a connection you dont go for it ????

for example...
i work in a shop theres a girl in work whos a sise 8 got th eboobs the personality th looks the body the hole package yet Im attracted to her but not Attracted to her, as in i dont really feel a connection. If I was to say anything id look at her as a friend...

9 weeks ago i meet a girl and she was atracted first picture i saw of her I was boom instant... I've never meet any body who impactedwho as impacted me I felt so comfortable with her it was like as tho, to not sound to odd I feel as tho I known her all my life... sadly she's gay so i couldnt do anything about it... except, except it.... what Im getting at Op that some
people need to feel something in order to want something deeper then just oh she's hot.... Il have her. a connection.. No i dont think its out of your leauge thats the problem i think its down to not meeting the right girl...

wouldnt worry about it man

guy123

guy123 wrote: »

Im not the most confident in bed but can please well with my hands. This in itself seems childish and embarrassing for my age.
...


Girls, what would you think about meeting a guy and after a few dates,although you liked him he wasnt great in bed? maybe good at pleasing in other ways though.

Can anyone else relate to this kind of problem and did they solve it?

The only problem I'm seeing here is your being convinced that being good with your hands isn't being "good in bed". What exactly do you mean not good in bed, if you're pleasuring them anyway? It's all part of the parcel and how you think some part of it is "childish and embarassing" seems odd to me.

Marksie

guy123 wrote: »

Hi Im 27, quite good looking afaik, and a nice social friendly bloke. I haven't gone out with someone in about 5 years and I rarely score, maybe once every 6 months. Im not the most confident in bed but can please well with my hands. This in itself seems childish and embarrassing for my age.

It seems you are leaping from: i haven't been in a relationship to bedroom skills immediately.
Are you sure you aren't putting yourself under pressuer right away, in that you buy someone a drink and are worrying already that you wont bring her to an orgasm.

Take a step back and deal with getting to know the person.

guy123 wrote: »

Im also not great at flirting really but can still tend to get women to like me. On a whole I am not good when it comes to women, I was asked by some friends at one stage was I gay.

Get women to like you?
Thats not the ideal, really, it shuold be natural.

guy123 wrote: »

The problem is Ive recently had some opportunities...twice in the past 2 weeks Ive had chances to get with women that I knew liked me,(told by their friends, and also it was fairly obvious) and I still avoided the opportunities. The problem is I dont understand why. Sometimes I think Im just avoiding sex because im sort of "afraid" of it but then again I say to myself that I'm genuinely not attracted to some of these women. Some of my friends are then left wondering why I throw away opportunities.

TBH you have to ask yourself why, we can't do that for you.
You also have to ask yourself what you are afraid of in sex. You could try asking yourself repeatedly and write down the first answer that comes to mind each time, without thinking. Then look at what you ahve written.

guy123 wrote: »

Just a few questions:
Do you think im going out of my league? I know you dont know what I look like but do you think this is a common thing that people tend to do?

You have switched from worried about sexual performance to out of your league in dating?
What are the linked issues here Image/sexual performance?
Its isn't as simple as it first appears, i beleive you will need to reevaluate everything.

guy123 wrote: »

Girls, what would you think about meeting a guy and after a few dates,although you liked him he wasnt great in bed? maybe good at pleasing in other ways though.

Could you define great in bed and pleasing in other ways...seems you are separating the two. Do you mean penetrative sex from "foreplay" or non penetrative sex.
Also what actually is your view on sex?
There appears to be a hell of a lot of assumptions going on in your head here, not the leasts a lack of confidence in your own abilities and a lack of awareness that penetration and "other forms" are not separate and distinct.

In teh end its up to you to look at whats going on here.... foreplay or the other methods can be heightened to such an extent it becomes the whole focus of an evening/night/weekend. Then penetrative intercourse falls into juts another technique and not a goal per se.
When you grasp that concept then the concept of being "good in bed" falls away as you no longer have the mental blocks over it. Consequently it moves on to a much deeper level of understanding.

At this point i will add you can learn techniques and positions that will enhance and prolong your ability to both give and recieve penetrative pleasure. But i guess when you understand where its at you will lose the performance related anxiety and it will not be such an issue.

You are, even at the dating stage, looking at the factc you will not be able to perform, that will affect you in both your ability to interrelate and date. It will affect your confidence as its ticking away there, it is also giving way to the expectaiuons that you will "fail"

Its also worth noting, that a lover will be aware of his/her partner and will be able to communicate. for both sexes there is the expectation of a particular role: male: dominant and knows what he is doing, Female, more compliant and has the expectation that the male knows what he is doing (This IS a generalisation folks to illustrate a point).
Now, effective communication both in the awareness of the other and in asking simple questions while lovemaking is essential as it brings the two into tune.
The reason i brought that up is that you are very adamant that you are good with your hands, its always risky to assume this as every woman is slightly different in the way she responds, so an openness and flexibility to your lovemaking is important...and the best way to ensure that is to listen both to the physical and auditory reactions, but also to ask and listen to whats being said.
You run the risk therefore that if your hands fail, then you will fall apart as you have complexes over all other aspects.

Ummm so in summary:

Ask yourself teh relevant questions as to why you have such fears in sex (they may surprise you...if you have a close friend, then sit opposite them and get them to ask you the question repeatedly and note the answers)

Reevaluate what sex means to you in terms of penetration V foreplay

Reeavlauate what different techniques mean

don't look at sex as the end point when dating, but as a natural state between two people who connect, if it happens it happens.

Get out of your own head when both dating and having sex.

Listen and communicate

jackdaw

Hi OP ...

1st of .. no one is "out of your league" ... people are people .. no one
is above anyone else .. if someone doesn't like you so what someone else will...


as for the good in bed part .. no one is a naturally good born lover ..

practice makes perfect ...

When i was single i didn't score much either ... but when you do score as
it's the 1st time with that person .. each of you is usually a little reserved anyway, no one expects fireworks on the 1st time you're together...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, some eye openers here and I much appreciate it,

@snowmonkey & bloodhound, that is probably the case and I'm glad to see that it seems common that some people just tend to try and go for the "one". I think thats what Ive been doing. It is very true that I havent had a proper 'instant' connection with someone in a while, but it has happened more than once so I guess Ill be patient.

@Bluewolf , I guess I'm just embarrassed at the fact that i tend to be nervous, ejaculating too soon etc, but thats not a problem when Im pleasuring them.

@Marksie, thanks for the post, some good reading there, I guess i phrased "get women to like me" badly, I meant more "I still tend to attract women". Your spot on regarding sex and the reason I guess I seem adamant about the hands is because Ive been told, and I also think I am quite good at reading womens responses in bed(especially after reading up about techniques etc). So as you say maybe Ive to let go of the penetrative thing for a while and just enjoy myself.
On saying that its very easy tell someone to get out of their own head, but its much more difficult when your the one thinking about it if you get me.

Cheers again to all replies, this thread is probably a bit messy, due to it looking like 2 problems at the one time, but I guess Im wondering to myself are they interlinked.

Liam Byrne

"Instant" connections or sparks rarely last more than a month or two.....