Dilemma keeping me awake at night.

Tupins

I have a problem which is really playing on my mind and it's really getting me down. Basically, the problem is that I am 90% sure that I don't want to have children. (I won't go into all the reasons here.) However, I know that my husband does. I know everyone will be saying "Did you not discuss this before you got married?" and looking back yes we should have but the thing was at the time I felt I wasn't ready to have children but I thought that I would feel differently in time. I am 30 now and I just don't have any of the maternal instinct that other women seem to have. I wish I did but I don't.

I have spoken briefly to my husband and have told him that I'm not really sure that I want to have children but he is sure that I will feel differently in one or two years when we're more settled (we've had some financial difficulties recently) but the more I think about it the more I feel I won't change my mind.

The issue really upsets me because I'm terrified that I will lose my husband. I love him and couldn't bear to be without him but why should he stay with me if he wants to have children? He might wish to have them with someone else. I was so upset one night that I even asked him would he leave me if I told him I didn't want children. He looked sad and said that he loved me and he wouldn't leave me but that he would be very disappointed.

So assuming that I don't change my mind, could I possibly expect him just to do without children? Surely he would resent me in years to come. Or do I have children just to keep him happy? This doesn't seem fair to either me or the children.

It seems to me like a lose-lose situation. I can't see any way out. Its causing me a lot of worry and I think about it every single day. Is this the end of our marriage? I honestly don't think I could cope with that thought.

Has anyone been in this situation? I'm so upset that I'm close to tears even writing this. Please help.

Nevyn

You need to figure out why exactly you don't want to have kids, explore it deal with the issues that arise and see what happens.

LegacyUser

I am in exactly the same boat, although we are not married.

He does not know and the more time goes on...there is just never a good moment to tell him. Plus I dont think he would take me seriously, so I just say nothing and Ostritch hoping that it will never come up.

cafecolour

TBH I consider that basically a deal breaker. I've know two mates that basically broke up several year relationship because of it.

How old are you though? Since I went from 'no way would I ever have children' (and not really enjoying being around them) at age 18-20 to finding them cute and becoming amenable to the idea by like 25.

Jack B. Badd

cafecolour wrote: »

TBH I consider that basically a deal breaker. I've know two mates that basically broke up several year relationship because of it.

How old are you though? Since I went from 'no way would I ever have children' (and not really enjoying being around them) at age 18-20 to finding them cute and becoming amenable to the idea by like 25.

She's thirty. Realistically she doesn't have 5 - 7 years in which to see if she'll change her mind...

OP, I agree with Thaedydal. You need to figure out why you don't want to have children and then discuss it in depth with your husband. You may find that you can live with having children (or adopting) or your husband may find that he can live without. Or you may find that you just can't be together because of this. It may very well be the case that neither of you will get what you really want if you stay together.

seahorse

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

She's thirty. Realistically she doesn't have 5 - 7 years in which to see if she'll change her mind...

At thirty, of course she does; she's got even longer than that. Many women nowadays don't even start trying for kids till they're thirty-seven or thirty-eight, but that's beside the point because this doesn’t sound like something that will change in time.

OP, maybe you'd consider bringing this issue up in marriage guidance?

Victor

I think you need to work out the bits you do and don't want. Ask yourself questions like:
* Do you want anything to do with children, e.g. nieces and nephews?
* Would you consider adoption or fostering?
* Does pregnancy scare you? Some women in their late 20s still have hang-ups from their mother telling them "don't your get pregnant" 15 years earlier.
* Do you feel looking after a child would be a burden or hindrance?

LegacyUser

Well, I really don't think you should have kids, just to make him happy, that's for sure.

Ann22

I was never one of those people who love all children. Strangers kids can appear tiresome and total nuisances.
However I can't express in words the joy my two boys have brought me. One is 19 now (I was young and horrified to find I was pregnant but I thank God every day for him as I've had five miscarriages) he's my best friend and makes me laugh all the time and the other is eight-my little darling, a clever sensitive funny little lad and also so precious to me. They bring laughter and fun into my life every day.Robert Downey Jnr's character in 'Ally McBeal' once said 'you never realise the capacity you have to love another human being 'til you have your own child'. It's an overwhelming unconditional love that you can't imagine 'til you're holding a little bundle that's part you and part the special person you've chosen to spend your life with.
It's commendable that you're really taking the decision seriously, there are many people who bring children into the world without any thought and then resent them when they've become 'tied down'. For me the joys of parenthood far outweigh the hassles children bring...but not everyone feels that way. It's a big decision for you and i hope you make the right one. I wish you the best of luck.:)

davyjose

He probably will come to resent you in years to come, if you don't have kids. It's a pretty basic human need. Some would argue it's why we're put on this world. I would feel pretty unfulfilled if I never were to father a child. That's just personal. If my girlfriend were unable to have kids, it's something I'd learn to accept, but if she just told me she didn't want to, well, without properly explaining why, it's not something I could accept. It's a little bit too important for an answer like "I just don't want to". So for the sake of your relationship, I would get some sort of answer to this.

Jack B. Badd

davyjose wrote: »

It's a little bit too important for an answer like "I just don't want to".

Sometimes, as with any personal preference, it is a case of "I just don't want to" though. I have a number of very logical reasons as to why I don't want to have children, however if those reasons were removed I still wouldn't want to have children. It's a bit of a Marmite situation tbh. You either like it or you don't. You can try to explain your position to someone of the opposite point of view but your arguments won't add any weight to your own personal opinion either way.

Maggie Simpson

OP. You say you're 90% sure you don't want kids. You really need to explain it to him in those sort of terms. The reason I'd say that is this: I have a close friend who was married to a guy for 3 years who was ambivalent about having kids and when it came to it, he admitted that he definitely didn't want to have kids - ever. She did. So they broke up. A few years later she hasn't met anyone else she wants to have kids with. If she'd known he was so definite I don't think she'd have married him in the first place.

That said - finding someone you want to have them with is a different story. So while your fears that your husband may want to have kids so badly that he'll end your marriage are warranted, it does not necessarily follow that it means an end to your relationship. It may come down to it that he wants his life with you more than he wants a child.

It's too easy to look at things as black and white (and I fear you'll get a lot of that advice here) - talk to him, think things through and see where that takes you both. I see a fair few of the posts suggest that there must be some reason why you don't want kids. However, I know people who don't want kids and it's as natural a feeling for them not to want it, as the urge to have kids is for those who do.

davyjose

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Sometimes, as with any personal preference, it is a case of "I just don't want to" though.

Yeah, but my point is, that wouldn't be a satisfactory answer for me, regardless. I couldn't spend the rest of my life fatherless, without that sort of explanation bothering me greatly. And if that's all the OP can offer her other half, then she should be ready for some tough times IMO.

People break up for all manner of reasons, many of which are a lot more fickle than this. Some people just aren't meant to be, and for those who don't want kids, well, they really have to realise that they're in the minority, and there are a LOT of people they are automatically incompatible with.

SarahMc

Sorry, but "I just don't want to" doesn't cut it with an issue this important.

Marriages survive when there is infertility and a decision is reached to live life without children. There are happy marriages where neither want children. I just can't think of a marriage amongst my peers which has survived when one wants children, and one doesn't. I know of a few which have broken up over this.

You need to examine carefully why/if you don't want children, and lay it on the line to him. Then, frankly, it his decision.

Stheno

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

OP, I agree with Thaedydal. You need to figure out why you don't want to have children and then discuss it in depth with your husband. You may find that you can live with having children (or adopting) or your husband may find that he can live without. Or you may find that you just can't be together because of this. It may very well be the case that neither of you will get what you really want if you stay together.

SarahMc wrote: »

I just can't think of a marriage amongst my peers which has survived when one wants children, and one doesn't. I know of a few which have broken up over this.

You need to examine carefully why/if you don't want children, and lay it on the line to him. Then, frankly, it his decision.

I'd agree with the above, having children and both people in a marriage having the same viewpoint in terms of having them for many people would be important.

I don't know what age your husband is, but for your sake and his, imo this is an important and pretty fundamental issue within your marriage that you need to address.

One couple I am close friends with had a similiar situation, however she did talk to her OH from the outset about the fact that she didn't want children, and 8 years later, her OH's view changed from being happy to be with her and not having children, to hoping that they would have children, and they have since split up.

I think with something as fundamental, that you should also consider your OH and his wishes in relation to this issue, and really try and discuss it with him in depth, via counselling if needs be, and determine what you most want/expect/hope for from your marriage.

Good luck.

Tupins

Well thanks everyone for your replies - it has given me a lot to think about.

In answer to the question 'why don't you want to have children?', I suppose the main reason is that I just don't feel maternal enough. i don't melt when I see other peoples children and it scares me that I might be an emotionally distant or cold mother. My own family home was not a very loving place at times as there was a lot of conflict between my parents and sometimes I still resent my parents for a lot of things. I don't want any future children to resent me that way. I know I am capable of loving a child as I have nieces and nephews who I adore (and a dog and cat who are totally pampered!) and sometimes people say to me that I am good with children. But that's all very well for a couple of hours here and there when you can hand them back to their parents.

Another reason is that I never had much luck in love until I met my husband. I had my share of messers and losers like the rest of us and I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have met him. I love being with him and I suppose I just don't want to change anything. I've read a few places that having children can cause a lot of stress and problems for a couple. What if they came between us?

I suppose I'm realising myself as I'm writing this that it's fear that's holding me back (god, this is as good as any councellor!!). The thing is, in an ideal world I could picture us with a family - it's just the reality I can't face. I don't know if I could cope!

I think I still have maybe 2-3 years before I have to finally decide. Does anyone think I will have a change of heart? I'm really hoping I do.

cafecolour

Tupins wrote: »

Well thanks everyone for your replies - it has given me a lot to think about.

In answer to the question 'why don't you want to have children?', I suppose the main reason is that I just don't feel maternal enough. i don't melt when I see other peoples children and it scares me that I might be an emotionally distant or cold mother. My own family home was not a very loving place at times as there was a lot of conflict between my parents and sometimes I still resent my parents for a lot of things. I don't want any future children to resent me that way. I know I am capable of loving a child as I have nieces and nephews who I adore (and a dog and cat who are totally pampered!) and sometimes people say to me that I am good with children. But that's all very well for a couple of hours here and there when you can hand them back to their parents.

Another reason is that I never had much luck in love until I met my husband. I had my share of messers and losers like the rest of us and I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have met him. I love being with him and I suppose I just don't want to change anything. I've read a few places that having children can cause a lot of stress and problems for a couple. What if they came between us?

I suppose I'm realising myself as I'm writing this that it's fear that's holding me back (god, this is as good as any councellor!!). The thing is, in an ideal world I could picture us with a family - it's just the reality I can't face. I don't know if I could cope!

I think I still have maybe 2-3 years before I have to finally decide. Does anyone think I will have a change of heart? I'm really hoping I do.

Yeah I'm going to agree with your own assessment. You don't not want kids - you're afraid of changes, having a kids is a big change, and since you're not like "I really want babies" you feel safer sticking with the status quo.

Other people's kids and your kids are very different things. After carrying a child in your belly for 9 months you will be biologically wired to adore he/she. As for repeating your parent's mistakes, I'd go to a counselor over those unresolved issues. But honestly, acknowledging those issues and going in with them in your head is half the battle.

Of course having children causes stress, but it can be a massively unifying as well. The main cause of stress in relationships is money issues, not kids, though the later obviously contributes to the former.

Is there anything else? Do you have a very ambitious career/volunteer goal or such that's going to be hindered by raising children? Since I'd say at this point you prob could have kids and be a good mother and enjoy it.

AngryBadger

Tupins wrote: »

I think I still have maybe 2-3 years before I have to finally decide. Does anyone think I will have a change of heart? I'm really hoping I do.

OP I think you definitely have plenty of time. Succumbing to the notion that you have to decide immediately will only make this more difficult to address. It sounds to me as though it's only very recently (with your current partner) that you've found yourself in a situation where you might even think about kids, whereas before it wasn't on the table at all.

It doesn't sound to me like you don't want children, just that you're only now beginning to acknowledge the concept of children, and a family (in a broader sense) as a tangible concept that will be shaped (or not!) by the decisions you make in the next few years, but those are decisions you'd prefer to make with solid footing.

My advice is this; If you honestly feel you have an "issue" with having children, then as Thaed and others have suggested maybe talk to a professional just to get some perspective on your feelings.

If you don't think there's a reall "issue", but that you're just not too sure, and you need to feel more secure in your current circumstances before considering this seriously, then do exactly that. Enjoy life with your partner, and come back to the idea of children in a year or a few months when you feel more comfortable about it and may be in a better frame of mind to actually make a decision about it.

Also, to the people bleeting on about "I just don't want to" not being a good enough excuse, the implication I can't avoid is that you all think someone should have children just to keep a partner happy? Am I completely miss-interpreting ye or is that the case? Do ye not realise a person put in that situation is just as likely to wind up resenting their partner as the opposite scenario, and quite possibly their kids as well?

Honestly...

The Sweeper

Tupins wrote: »

In answer to the question 'why don't you want to have children?', I suppose the main reason is that I just don't feel maternal enough. i don't melt when I see other peoples children and it scares me that I might be an emotionally distant or cold mother. My own family home was not a very loving place at times as there was a lot of conflict between my parents and sometimes I still resent my parents for a lot of things. I don't want any future children to resent me that way. I know I am capable of loving a child as I have nieces and nephews who I adore (and a dog and cat who are totally pampered!) and sometimes people say to me that I am good with children. But that's all very well for a couple of hours here and there when you can hand them back to their parents.

Another reason is that I never had much luck in love until I met my husband. I had my share of messers and losers like the rest of us and I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have met him. I love being with him and I suppose I just don't want to change anything. I've read a few places that having children can cause a lot of stress and problems for a couple. What if they came between us?

Oh look, it's me! Hi, me! /me waves at me.

You're certainly not alone. I'm nearly 32 and have no children. Some of my friends who already have children - they used to tell me it wouldn't really change their lives. I remember them, sitting there, pregnant and glowing, telling me they'd still do all the things they do at the moment, they'd just probably be occasionally distracted by their children. And hey, why didn't I want kids too?

Years on, of course their lives are completely different. Yes, they adore their kids, but they're pretty sheepish about how far off their expectations were.

I have the opposite difficulty - my expectations of motherhood are very negative. If I were to get pregnant, I would expect to feel exhausted and tearful. I would expect to find my resentment of the currently barely manageable irritants in my life to grow. I would expect to be crushingly disappointed by the lack of a support network I have in Australia.

I would expect to be struggling every day to do things on my own. I would be worried about resenting my husband, or feeling that he wasn't stepping up to the plate. I would be very afraid of fighting massively with my in-laws, with whom I've held my tongue for long time.

I would be worried about neglecting my pets, who up to now have been right up there in the priority line, second only to husband. I would be afraid of feeling 'stuck' down here, totally alone, if I were to fall out with husband and in-laws. I would fret about money, sanity, lack of free time, and a strangling of self.

A lot of that is because my mother indoctrinated me, from tiny-sized, that "When you get married and have kids, your life's over". I don't believe that to be true, but starting from such a negative view has led me to have what I believe is a very accurate idea of just how hard it would be for me, in my personal circumstances, were I to get pregnant.

And see, because I'm not pregnant, I don't have any bond, or even a start of a bond, with this little visitor to my life who'd be in all this with me. This little person, who I'm terrified of failing.

The upshot? 32 years old, and not as much as a tock out of my body clock - we are truly turning into a potential era of geriatric first time mothers.

Nevyn

Tupins wrote: »

I suppose the main reason is that I just don't feel maternal enough.

According to my mother the most shocking thing I ever did was to have kids
as growing up the eldest of 5 I had said I didn't want to be tied down by them
and resenting having to help with my younger siblings and never had time for cooing over babies.

Tupins wrote: »

i don't melt when I see other peoples children

Never did and still don't.

Tupins wrote: »

and it scares me that I might be an emotionally distant or cold mother. My own family home was not a very loving place at times as there was a lot of conflict between my parents and sometimes I still resent my parents for a lot of things.

Ah see now these are real reasons. Have you ever talked about what growing up was like for you and dealt with those issues and feelings ?

Firstly you are not your parents and if you really want your home to be different then it will be if you make the choice to do things differently and be aware that you don't fall into old pattern which you learned growing up.

What about the good times when you were a kid ?

I think these are issues you should explore for your own sake and that of your
relationship going forward.

Tupins wrote: »

I don't want any future children to resent me that way. I know I am capable of loving a child as I have nieces and nephews who I adore (and a dog and cat who are totally pampered!) and sometimes people say to me that I am good with children. But that's all very well for a couple of hours here and there when you can hand them back to their parents.

There are people who choose to live thier lives that way and that is thier choice and the are entitled to it if it makes them both happy.

Tupins wrote: »

Another reason is that I never had much luck in love until I met my husband. I had my share of messers and losers like the rest of us and I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have met him. I love being with him and I suppose I just don't want to change anything. I've read a few places that having children can cause a lot of stress and problems for a couple. What if they came between us?

I'll not lie to you the first two years of having an infant is tough, you do need a good relationship and a partner who is supportive and wants to do his share and will work with you, if you have that then having a child will make you even closer.

There is a parental bond between parents, even tough I am not a romantic relationship with the Dad of my kids there is still that there.
To look at our kids running and laughing and then look at each other and smile both of us thinking we made that.

My parents always refused to let any of us kids come between them.
They would say we were a wonderful by product of their love for each other and their marriage but we were not the reason they were together, they were together before any of us came along and would be together long after we all grew up and had our own life's.

They were right and they are still together and love having thier grand kids call up.

Tupins wrote: »

I suppose I'm realising myself as I'm writing this that it's fear that's holding me back (god, this is as good as any councellor!!). The thing is, in an ideal world I could picture us with a family - it's just the reality I can't face. I don't know if I could cope!

Well maybe you should see a counsellor, your fear seems to come from your past and if your past is impacting in your present and restricting your future then I think you should look at not been held hostage by it any more.

Tupins wrote: »

I think I still have maybe 2-3 years before I have to finally decide. Does anyone think I will have a change of heart? I'm really hoping I do.

If you want to feel different about this and are open to wanting to explore the possibilities of having children and planning to have children and conversations about how that would be and how you would both share the responsibilities and parenting then make the choice based on that rather then fear of repeating your family past and perpetuating a cycle then go get help to lay the past to rest.

Karmella

Tupins wrote: »

I think I still have maybe 2-3 years before I have to finally decide. Does anyone think I will have a change of heart? I'm really hoping I do.

Hi OP, I can't answer for you as to whether YOU will have a change of heart, but personally I did!! I've been with my OH 9 years and the subject of kids never came up really til about 2 years ago (I was 30, he 32), and I stated then that I really didn't want to have them, and he agreed with me. My reasonings were similar to yours I don't feel an iota of maternal-ism, I have v little experience with kids - I've never changed a nappy and I spent zero time with my nieces (I have 6! and now a nephew too), I'm also pretty scared and squeamish about the whole pregnancy thing. At the time we agreed that if years down the line we realised that we did want them then we would try to adopt or something (although since discovered that its a long arduous expensive process).

Anyway, fast forward 2 years to this summer. I had been getting the impression all year that he really did want kids after all - and we eventually had the discussion about it and I found myself agreeing to do it. I think I felt that I didn't want it to be a 'dealbreaker', and that I was willing to put my fears aside and take the plunge. So, I came off the pill and we've been trying since. And I do actually feel ok about it - in fact I've found myself getting broody which is unreal! A lot of my friends are pregnant / have just had babies and being around them has actually been a positive experience for me. Now I'm still squeamish about pregnancy, but I think that I can do it. I think there was that fear of change aswell - we had been together so long it made no sense to change that, but I actually believe now that having a little person to love and share will enhance our relationship if nothing else. (god i know that sounds like having a pet, but its more than that!!)

I am 32 now, and was 30 when we had the first 'kids/no kids' discussion. So I guess it is possible to have a change of heart - but its a very personal thing. I don't know what might have happened if I still vehemently didn't want kids - perhaps we may have split over it, but its a moot point at this stage!

Tupins

Wow, I'm so glad that you all went to so much trouble to write such good posts for little old me (blush)

Seriously though, I do actually feel more positive now. I thought that I was somehow unusual in this but now I realise that there are other women who feel the same. It's just that most of my own friends seem quite happy to go down the 'normal' route of automatically wanting children at our age.

I think I'll try to relax a bit about it for now because I think I'm wrecking my own head with over analysing it all and trying to force a decission. I will speak to my husband too and try to explain things. he is a very understanding person so hopefully he'll see where I'm coming from and we'll be able to work something out for the future.

Now I've just got to come up with a good response for all those annoying people who say things like "oh you're next now" etc whenever the subject of babies comes up, sigh

Thanks again.

Nevyn

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

A lot of that is because my mother indoctrinated me, from tiny-sized, that "When you get married and have kids, your life's over".

You know she was right, the life you knew is over and you start a newer strange one, but that does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of motherhood becoming a shut in and only living for and true your kids.

Things have changed a lot over the last few decade and every parent needs time out for themselves as well as time out as a couple.

Iago

davyjose wrote: »

Some people just aren't meant to be, and for those who don't want kids, well, they really have to realise that they're in the minority,

I disagree with this completely. There are a large number of people I know who don't want kids, and some who say they don't want them now but "might" later. If anything I think the number of people who don't want kids is increasing all the time, hardly surprising really when you consider the expense involved with a child, the lack of freedom combined with the longer hours that people are working and the general increase in stress in this country and elsewhere.

I can't only speak from my experience, but more of my friends and family have stated a wish not to have children, than those that do want to have children.

beth-lou

Hi OP, so sorry for your dilema. I was similar to you about having kids. Just to give you my experience now I'm on the other side...

I said I'd never have kids. All my life, I had no interest in other peoples babies. Even when my sister had her kids, I thought they were lovely but I never got that rush of maternal hormones ushering me towards parenthood. In fact, if anything, it had the opposite effect. My Mam used to tell people that she'd never have grandkids from me, granddogs, but no grandkids. And that's how I was. I'd go all gooey for a puppy, but kids were just boring. They'd interfere with my lie on. How would I manage getting up during the night for feeds, teething, colds etc? I just didn't think I had it in me.

When I was 27 I got pregnant. I was very upset about it, scared, worried that I couldn't provide the love and care that a child would need, terrified that my whole life would change and I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do. My boyfriend (now hubby) was very supportive and calm and he just said we'll be fine. And guess what, we were.

Things did change, but very gradually. I accepted the pregnancy, embraced it, started to enjoy it. It was a whole new adventure and pretty spectacular when I really thought about it. And then she came into the world and our lives have never been the same since. It was a burst of love that I never could have imagined.

Yes there are times when I am tired, but one smile and that quickly disappears. It does mean that you have less time on your own with your hubby, but you have family time with your new addition. It can put pressure on a relationship, but you have to try to pull together. If you do, it can enhance your relationship and you just make time for each other.Ultimately it has been a very rewarding experience for me. The soom and gloom idea I had in my head was totally wrong. And the rewards are great, really, really great.

If you really don't want to have kids, then that is your choice and you really shouldn't feel pressured into having them to please someone else. But if it is just fear that is stopping you, all I can sday is I was the same as you, and I can only speak positively of parenthood. I love it. So much so, I did it a second time, and will do it a third if I can. I hope you and your husband can come to a happy compromise and wish you all the best what ever you choose.

cgan086

Ye know what they say. " kids are like farts, you can only bare your own " ye might feel defferently if ye had one or ten yourself:D;)

Loose Lips

Tupins wrote: »

I have a problem which is really playing on my mind and it's really getting me down. Basically, the problem is that I am 90% sure that I don't want to have children. (I won't go into all the reasons here.) However, I know that my husband does. I know everyone will be saying "Did you not discuss this before you got married?" and looking back yes we should have but the thing was at the time I felt I wasn't ready to have children but I thought that I would feel differently in time. I am 30 now and I just don't have any of the maternal instinct that other women seem to have. I wish I did but I don't.

I have spoken briefly to my husband and have told him that I'm not really sure that I want to have children but he is sure that I will feel differently in one or two years when we're more settled (we've had some financial difficulties recently) but the more I think about it the more I feel I won't change my mind.

The issue really upsets me because I'm terrified that I will lose my husband. I love him and couldn't bear to be without him but why should he stay with me if he wants to have children? He might wish to have them with someone else. I was so upset one night that I even asked him would he leave me if I told him I didn't want children. He looked sad and said that he loved me and he wouldn't leave me but that he would be very disappointed.

So assuming that I don't change my mind, could I possibly expect him just to do without children? Surely he would resent me in years to come. Or do I have children just to keep him happy? This doesn't seem fair to either me or the children.

It seems to me like a lose-lose situation. I can't see any way out. Its causing me a lot of worry and I think about it every single day. Is this the end of our marriage? I honestly don't think I could cope with that thought.

Has anyone been in this situation? I'm so upset that I'm close to tears even writing this. Please help.

OP: It might be that you are daunted at the prospect of having children. Maybe the financial difficulties you experienced have made you risk averse and you see having kids as a huge chance for problems to start again.

Why don't you try having one child and see how it goes? You might find that Mother Nature takes over and you realise that it is all you ever wanted. This is what happened to me.

Good luck and God bless

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

I'll not lie to you the first two years of having an infant is tough, you do need a good relationship and a partner who is supportive and wants to do his share and will work with you, if you have that then having a child will make you even closer.

There is a parental bond between parents, even tough I am not a romantic relationship with the Dad of my kids there is still that there.

I had a baby at 35, never having experienced any maternal longings. I didn't even like kids, not even my nieces. I only babysat very occasionally and out of a sense of having to. I only did continued with the pregnacy because having accidentally got pregnant, and having had a abortion the past at age 17 (in 1975) - which I have never regretted - I figured I had enough income to support a child and had to be adult enough to step up to the plate. I did it out of a sense of duty. I went through the entire pregnancy feeling a sense of duty or honour or something. I never felt maternal during the pregnancy. I was apprehensive, as I'd broken up with the father before I knew I was pregnant. I knew I'd do the best I could by the child, and would not give it the upbringing i had.

But when she was born! OMG! I had never experienced anything like it! I LOVED her with such a powerful love the first time I saw her! I cried from being so overwhelmed with love. Her father had emigrated before she was born and was unemployed so there was NO support or even interest there. He's seen her three times in her life and she's 15 now. That ol' human instinct still survives - I love her more than anything or anyone, even though we have the usual teenage problems. We've had a lot of financial problems - childcare is hugely expensive here, and I never got a penny from her father (still unemployed/working in crap jobs) but with the motivation to provide for her, I've had to push myself more than I would have otherwise.

It was difficult when she had colic, it was difficult when she was sick, it was often difficult but we got through all the bad times.
I'm still single - I couldn't afford babysitters when she (and I) were young, and the friends who said they'd babysit, well they didn't. Im now 49, go out on dates, have a social life, and so does she. I've never regretted having her. She enriches my life in so many ways. And if the love doesn't overwhelm me now, I know that I love her and she loves me. I've actually been a pretty good mother.

So you never can tell. I'm just glad I went through with it. Nobody ever thought I'd ever be a mother - even myself!

Magicmatilda

Hi, I met a girl about 2 years ago. She was just married a year and had decided she didn't want Kids. Same kind of reason as yourself. She had low self esteem, not a great upbringing and basically she was scared she wouldn't be able to provide them with all they needed emotionally. her exact words "I'm worried I will F*ck them up". Anyway she went to therapy, not purely for that reason, in fact not for that reason at all. 2 Years on herself and her husband are trying for a baby.

I think you need to address your fears and explore them as already said. Also share those fears with your husband, he may be able to help you.

So it is possible that you will change your mind. The fact that you want to change your mind says an awful lot I think.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP, I agree with other posters that it's a good idea to keep an open mind and explore the reasons behind your feelings about children, and be honest with your husband and approach the decision together.

Just want to say though that it's reasonable to ask your husband to examine his feelings that he does want to have children too. Talk together about the scenario if, say, ye found out ye couldn't have them. Would you love each other any less? How would ye see your life together panning out without children? Are there specific things ye would do together - travel more, take more career risks - if ye knew ye were staying child free?

What are his reasons for wanting children? Does he simply feel it's the "normal" thing to do when you are married? Does his family have expectations of grandchildren, would he be worried about what other people would think (that it's selfish, that there's something wrong with him) if ye didn't have any? Does he think your relationship would be empty without them?

You might well change your mind if you overcome your fears but don't forget that it is also a valid choice not to have them once you are sure of all your reasons, and many strong marriages exist and continue without them.

MJOR

I never wanted kids, just the thought made me queasy to be honest... I had a great childhood.. was the youngest by quite q number of years and i guess greatly indulged by my parents and sibllings (they probably had plenty of pratice on me for when they had babies) Although I liked other peoples, babysat and all that I always saw myself as a cool auntie type or similar. When i met my BF that has totally changed.

I see how much he loves kids and I want to have them just to give him that experience. I told him from the first few weeks of our relationship that I did not want children. He accepted thiks but within six months i did a total turn around.

I suppose what changed my mind was seeing how much he wanted them, and just realising that I had so much love to give. At the same time a close friend of mine got pregnant and I suppose i was spellbound by the whole process.That that little person is such a prt of you both.

My biological clock isn't ticking or anything but once we tie the knot i cannot wait for a few.

I suppose ultimately i was looking at having kids i was single at the time...... I wasn't looking at the whole picture...


you need to be straight up with this man.... he is your husband and if you really don't want to have kids you need tp be honest. It's a serious conversation that should have been discussed long ago

I don't think that there is an easy solution to your dilemma and your reasonsare perfectly logical...

Talk it through and good luck