Am I being naive here?

LegacyUser

OK, to cut a long story short, I started a course a few weeks ago and a few days into it, started getting on really well with one of the guys (I'm female). He's really hilarious, we share the same sense of humour and have a lot of the same interests. I have a boyfriend of 3 years, he is recently single. We've been going for drinks a lot after our course (both with others and just the two of us). I don't feel there's anything wrong with it but my BF isn't too happy - he thinks this guy wants to be more than friends. We (this guy and I) are quite touchy feely, he'd always give me a hug before we parted ways, but to me it's totally platonic. The guy knows I have a BF, I talk about him quite a lot, so I'm not giving off the impression that I'm single or looking. Am I being naive? Can a guy just want to be friends?

IRISH RAIL

We've been going for drinks a lot after our course (both with others and just the two of us).

We (this guy and I) are quite touchy feely, he'd always give me a hug before we parted ways,

now if your boyfriend was going for drinks with a girl and always gave her a hug and was " touchy feely " with her do you honestly think you would be ok with that ?

I think he is attracted to you and you are being very naieve its not fair on your boyfriend having to hear how you hug this guy every time you see him i see it as an intamite act that should be for your boyfriend only

Zeouterlimits

Being a guy myself I can say: Yes, a guy can just want to be friends.
However, that doesn't mean this guy doesn't want to be more. There are many unknowns, he could just be lonely and feel you're the only person who he really gets on with or he could really like you.
If you've been going out with your bf for 3 years your bf should trust you and not get annoyed even if this guy likes you, he has nothing to worry about, right?

If you're really concerned about this then just be fair and ask the guy. Being honest is one of the nicest things you can do.

LegacyUser

now if your boyfriend was going for drinks with a girl and always gave her a hug and was " touchy feely " with her do you honestly think you would be ok with that ?

My boyfriend is always going out with girly mates (just not usually one on one), and he's always hugging them even in front of me. He's slept over at girl mates houses in other towns. His Facebook is full of pics of him with his arms around other girls, so it seems strange that he's suspicious me doing the same. So no, I don't mind, once it's definitely 100% non-sexual.

Dan Chipowski

confusdgrl wrote: »

My boyfriend is always going out with girly mates (just not usually one on one), and he's always hugging them even in front of me. He's slept over at girl mates houses in other towns. His Facebook is full of pics of him with his arms around other girls, so it seems strange that he's suspicious me doing the same. So no, I don't mind, once it's definitely 100% non-sexual.

Wel if he goes on like that, then he can't exactly demand you act differently.

To address the issue at hand, normal men don't get touchy feely with women they meet on courses, unless of course he is gay or he is after something. You would be surprised how easy women fall for the slimeball/best buddy act.

LegacyUser

I don't think my BF's behaviour is unacceptable. Every straight guy I know has girl mates, hugs them and so on. My BF has always had girl mates, and when we first started going out, he would often greet them with a hug. Should I be worrying about my BF now? It's funny because when I once asked here if it was normal for guys to have girl mates, meet for drinks as friends etc, I was told I was a bunny boiler and to cop myself on.

It's just so frustrating meet someone you really get on with and be wondering if they are after you because they are of the opposite sex or they give you a hug after you meet them. I'm wondering whether I should just stop hanging out with this guy now in case he gets the wrong idea. And now I'm wondering about my BF as well. Agh why are things so complicated?

Craft25

Gonna play devils advocate here!!!

confusdgrl wrote: »

My boyfriend is always going out with girly mates (just not usually one on one), and he's always hugging them even in front of me. He's slept over at girl mates houses in other towns. His Facebook is full of pics of him with his arms around other girls, so it seems strange that he's suspicious me doing the same. So no, I don't mind, once it's definitely 100% non-sexual.

often the issue somebody doesn't trust you on arises because they know that when they are in the same situation, they are not on their best behaviour.. are you sure those things are always non-sexual??

anyway that wasnt the question... the guy could have any number of feelings for you, he could think you're cool and just be a real tactile person, he could fancy you and be up for a shag, he could have fallen in love with you and be about to become your stalker, he could be gay!! that said the instance of one person thinking they're friends and the other harbouring secret feelings is unbelievably common, so your fellas fears are not completely unfounded

i guess you could try put the issue center stage, yell him how much you're into you're fella, then ask him if he's got his eye on any girls and maybe you can help get them together

LegacyUser

He's definitely not gay. He shared with me that he got laid the last 2 weekends, which is hardly something you tell a girl you're interested in. I talk to him like a mate, the same way I'd talk to my boyfriends' guy mates. I talk about my BF loads and in fact he stood up for my BF when I was upset after arguing with him on the phone. I don't really get it. I thought at first he might have had some feelings for me but he now knows I have a long term BF who I'm happy with. Now I'm wondering if he is just a nice guy who wants to be friends (he also has s**tloads of girl mates) or he's secretly trying to get a shag. There is definitely some sort of 'spark' there, but I've had the same happen with girls I've really connected with as mates so I don't think it's necessarily sexual. It's all so confusing.

often the issue somebody doesn't trust you on arises because they know that when they are in the same situation, they are not on their best behaviour.. are you sure those things are always non-sexual??

Obviously not 100%, but I would be extremely shocked if they were. I was friends with my now-BF while he was with his ex (long distance) and we never went beyond being friends until 2-3 months after they broke up. I don't know for sure exactly what's going on in his head. I know his first GF treated him quite badly and messed him around, so I think a lot of his paranoia is from that.

BeardyGit

Okay, I'll bite. Now, maybe you just haven't been around men long enough to realise what's going on...Maybe you grew up in Leitrim or something So let me spell it out for you in no uncertain terms, and we can take it from there. Blokes your age who'd tell you it's a 100% platonic friendship they're after are either gay, telling bare faced lies to you, or telling bare faced lies to themselves. We've all been there at some stage (the telling lies about it bit anyway ). It takes time to get a grasp of how these things work to be honest. Even the well intentioned morally wealthy lads out there - They're just confused I reckon.

Here's the thing. A guy who's committed to his girlfriend/wife CAN be a platonic friend. He CAN be interested in friendship and nothing more. But it's unlikely he won't WANT more. Yeah, yeah, he won't act on it. Lifes punishment is not always worth it. But the idea of throwing you a bone would certainly cross his mind. Guy's, let's not kid ourselves here. It's just how we work, so don't waste your time telling yourselves otherwise, or actually believing you're capable of purer thoughts. Unless you're a priest, and even then.... (okay, okay - there might be one or two out there capable of keeping their peanut fest in the wrapper)

OP, your boyfriend hugging those girls....you think there are only platonic thoughts going on in his head at the time? Not likely. Really, it's not at all likely that he's not sizing them up and considering what they'd be like to do the nasty with were he a free and single entity. Maybe not all of them, but certainly some. I'm not saying he's cheated on you, but the thought has DEFINATELY crossed his mind in a sense.

At this point, I'm going to quote an example conversation from When Harry met Sally (the movie) which is further expanded upon on the Ladder Theory website:

"Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story."[/FONT]

I used to think this was just an amusing and convenient theory, with nothing more than an anecdotal basis. I'd whoop it out just to wind people up. But the more life experience I've gained, the more I relate to it. Funny thing is, within my circle of diverse friends, anyone my age (early 30's) that I've discussed this with has agreed in principle with the notion that men NEVER just want to be friends. Both men and women agree on this. That is, unless you're ugly and completely unattractive. And even then, they'd give you a pity ride before sending you home and then ignoring you to let you know they're not actually interested in being friends....

The point is, your new college buddy wants into your unmentionables. He's employing the tried and tested, age old dupe of acting like he's your bestest bloke friend in the world. He'll milk the information out of you about the little things your boyfriend does that irritate you, dissapoint you, upset you. He'll spin it all on its head and use it to weasle his way into your cacks.

He's not a bad guy. He's just a young and cock sure guy, with more than platonic in his britches. And just like your boyfriend, he can't help himself from thinking what it'd be like to score you. And the other girls he's in college with. And that girl on the bus. And the hot little thing in the coffee shop or the chemist or whatever.....

And you? I reckon you're not as naieve as you'd let on. Come on now, be honest. You're flattered by mister sneaky git paying you attention. And you're probably wondering to yourself just what he might have to offer that your boyfriend isn't delivering. You already know why it winds your boyfriend up, but you're looking to have others here say it's okay to carry on with what you're doing anyway. And that's fine. You know why? Because you're almost following a script. It's a familiar old story for many of us. You're justifying it now, then you'll gradually convince yourself it's all your boyfriends fault, that's he's over-reacting and trying to control you. That'll be just the justification you need to go play Barbie and Ken with your new best friend....

It's all normal and completely run of the mill, if you'll excuse me saying so.... And I think you probably already know this.

Have fun,

Gil

Casper89

^^wow=O awesome post tbh! i really enjoyed it, the bluntness, great stuff...
its just seems like you've either read too many books, or watched too much tv cos you allow for no individualism, lol.

but i'd say to the OP, you're allowed your male friends(though he might secretly fancy you--big deal! nothing has to happen, you can still be friends!), just reassure your bf that he can trust you, and talk honestly with your new friend, cos if everything is out in the open there can't be any sneaking!;)

BAsTid

Gil is right. Yes there is no individualism in the post but without the details we must go by odd's and experience. I think everyone would have to agree that odd's are hes in it for something more, unless as gil said he's gay or something.

In answer to your question, no I dont think your being naive. I think you know alot more about what is going on then you would like to admit to yourself.

The good news is however that you are aware of the potential of the situation you are in and can, depending on how you feel, act on it.

daycent

confusdgrl wrote: »

Am I being naive?

Yes

Can a guy just want to be friends?

If you are in any way hot...No.

Jenny66

Question would you bring your BF out for drinks with your NEW FRIEND.????????

Zillah

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

I think he is attracted to you and you are being very naieve its not fair on your boyfriend having to hear how you hug this guy every time you see him i see it as an intamite act that should be for your boyfriend only

Wait, let me get this straight. You're saying women should only ever hug their boyfriends?

LegacyUser

OP, your boyfriend hugging those girls....you think there are only platonic thoughts going on in his head at the time? Not likely. Really, it's not at all likely that he's not sizing them up and considering what they'd be like to do the nasty with were he a free and single entity. Maybe not all of them, but certainly some. I'm not saying he's cheated on you, but the thought has DEFINATELY crossed his mind in a sense

Oh I'm sure it's crossed his mind. That's normal. DOING anything other than a friendly hug is crossing the line.

And you? I reckon you're not as naieve as you'd let on. Come on now, be honest. You're flattered by mister sneaky git paying you attention. And you're probably wondering to yourself just what he might have to offer that your boyfriend isn't delivering. You already know why it winds your boyfriend up, but you're looking to have others here say it's okay to carry on with what you're doing anyway. And that's fine. You know why? Because you're almost following a script. It's a familiar old story for many of us. You're justifying it now, then you'll gradually convince yourself it's all your boyfriends fault, that's he's over-reacting and trying to control you. That'll be just the justification you need to go play Barbie and Ken with your new best friend....

Hmm. Not really. I've no interest in ever being with this guy, ever. I won't go into why, but basically, my BF is the only guy I've ever been with, I don't do casual sex. There has been the occasional guy I've really fancied, but not this guy.

So basically we're saying you can't have friends of the opposite sex?

Amazotheamazing

confusdgrl wrote: »

Oh I'm sure it's crossed his mind. That's normal. DOING anything other than a friendly hug is crossing the line.



Hmm. Not really. I've no interest in ever being with this guy, ever. I won't go into why, but basically, my BF is the only guy I've ever been with, I don't do casual sex. There has been the occasional guy I've really fancied, but not this guy.

So basically we're saying you can't have friends of the opposite sex?

Not if you find them attractive, imo. In theory it should be fine, but in practice one or the other always ends up developing a crush of some sort.

BeardyGit

No. You can of course have friends of the opposite sex. But the opposite sex want's to jump your bones first and foremost....and might consider being friends alongside or after that. You know, to comply with social convention and all that....

Trust me, when you have a heterosexual man in the equation, he'll have wondered what it would be like to pair up in the bed with you. And maybe on the bus. Or maybe he was on the bus showing off his trouser tent while thinking what you'd be like in bed. You get the picture....

citeal

i've gotten friendly with guys in work while I was in LTRs and thought nothing of it. whether the guys in question thought otherwise is irrelevant IMO.

I've had two LTRs. One of them never questioned my new friendships and he in turn was completely trustworthy. The other ex questioned everything and (yes I know its a cliche) turned out to be completely untrustworthy & a compulsive liar.

I'd ask your boyfriend for a straight answer on what's really bothering him.

Also, why does your boyfriend never join you & your new friend for a drink?

SpookyDoll

Gil_Dub wrote: »

Okay, I'll bite. Now, maybe you just haven't been around men long enough to realise what's going on...Maybe you grew up in Leitrim or something So let me spell it out for you in no uncertain terms, and we can take it from there. Blokes your age who'd tell you it's a 100% platonic friendship they're after are either gay, telling bare faced lies to you, or telling bare faced lies to themselves. We've all been there at some stage (the telling lies about it bit anyway ). It takes time to get a grasp of how these things work to be honest. Even the well intentioned morally wealthy lads out there - They're just confused I reckon.

Here's the thing. A guy who's committed to his girlfriend/wife CAN be a platonic friend. He CAN be interested in friendship and nothing more. But it's unlikely he won't WANT more. Yeah, yeah, he won't act on it. Lifes punishment is not always worth it. But the idea of throwing you a bone would certainly cross his mind. Guy's, let's not kid ourselves here. It's just how we work, so don't waste your time telling yourselves otherwise, or actually believing you're capable of purer thoughts. Unless you're a priest, and even then.... (okay, okay - there might be one or two out there capable of keeping their peanut fest in the wrapper)

OP, your boyfriend hugging those girls....you think there are only platonic thoughts going on in his head at the time? Not likely. Really, it's not at all likely that he's not sizing them up and considering what they'd be like to do the nasty with were he a free and single entity. Maybe not all of them, but certainly some. I'm not saying he's cheated on you, but the thought has DEFINATELY crossed his mind in a sense.

At this point, I'm going to quote an example conversation from When Harry met Sally (the movie) which is further expanded upon on the Ladder Theory website:

"Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?


[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: Why not?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: No, you don't.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: Yes, I do.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: No, you don't.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: Yes, I do.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: You only think you do.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: They do not.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: Do too.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: They do not.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: Do too.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: How do you know?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story."[/FONT]

I used to think this was just an amusing and convenient theory, with nothing more than an anecdotal basis. I'd whoop it out just to wind people up. But the more life experience I've gained, the more I relate to it. Funny thing is, within my circle of diverse friends, anyone my age (early 30's) that I've discussed this with has agreed in principle with the notion that men NEVER just want to be friends. Both men and women agree on this. That is, unless you're ugly and completely unattractive. And even then, they'd give you a pity ride before sending you home and then ignoring you to let you know they're not actually interested in being friends....

The point is, your new college buddy wants into your unmentionables. He's employing the tried and tested, age old dupe of acting like he's your bestest bloke friend in the world. He'll milk the information out of you about the little things your boyfriend does that irritate you, dissapoint you, upset you. He'll spin it all on its head and use it to weasle his way into your cacks.

He's not a bad guy. He's just a young and cock sure guy, with more than platonic in his britches. And just like your boyfriend, he can't help himself from thinking what it'd be like to score you. And the other girls he's in college with. And that girl on the bus. And the hot little thing in the coffee shop or the chemist or whatever.....

And you? I reckon you're not as naieve as you'd let on. Come on now, be honest. You're flattered by mister sneaky git paying you attention. And you're probably wondering to yourself just what he might have to offer that your boyfriend isn't delivering. You already know why it winds your boyfriend up, but you're looking to have others here say it's okay to carry on with what you're doing anyway. And that's fine. You know why? Because you're almost following a script. It's a familiar old story for many of us. You're justifying it now, then you'll gradually convince yourself it's all your boyfriends fault, that's he's over-reacting and trying to control you. That'll be just the justification you need to go play Barbie and Ken with your new best friend....

It's all normal and completely run of the mill, if you'll excuse me saying so.... And I think you probably already know this.

Have fun,

Gil

What can I say, brilliant post, every word so true!!!

Yeh I agree, OP is not the ingénue she would like to make out, she chuffin LOVES IT !!!

LegacyUser

ugh, reminds me of a situation with an ex.

She was in college I wasn't. She had a "friend". I had to grin and bear it but knew this fella was gunning for her. Now, in fairness, she didn't do the dirt, but this guy was waiting in the wings, and she knew it, so as soon as it got a bit patchy with us off she went.

Grass is always greener, new attention is more exciting than old. You're already on a slippery slope, that hug one evening after a few drinks will be a peck on the cheek and you'll be back here saying "oh I feel so confused".

Nip it in the bud if you want to stay with your fella and out of some consideration for him too. It's never nice hearing about some fella who spends a sh|t load of time with your other half even if he does trust you. Act as you'd like your BF to act if the situation was reversed. Be nice by all means, but not too nice.

themacdaddy

what would you think if your boyfriend was meeting girls like that? this guy wants to have babies with you!!!!

IRISH RAIL

Wait, let me get this straight. You're saying women should only ever hug their boyfriends?

nah I worded that arseways but imagine you were sitting at home and your boyfriend told you he was out for drinks with this girl from his course and he gave her a hug alarm bells fecking big ones

Gyalist

confusdgrl wrote: »

Am I being naive? Can a guy just want to be friends?

Yes. Being friends and wanting to jump your bones are not mutually exclusive.

LegacyUser

OP, as a girl who has always had many good friends of the opposite sex I've got to say I'm shocked by a lot of the responses here. Good old Catholic repression, turning friendly gestures into something perverse and confused.

Most of my best friends are male. We hug greetings and farewells, some of them even kiss me on the cheek. That's normal. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends who hug and (cheek) kiss him, also normal. Some of them kiss me on the cheek, doesn't make them lesbians.

The key is to make the boundaries clear. Hug fine, dropping the hand not fine. If he says or does something that is beyond friendly you step back and say "hey, don't do that or we can't be friends".

Regarding your BF. Relationships are built on mutual trust. Make sure you're not doing anything that breaches his and worry if he obsesses that you are. Jealousy comes from somewhere, and if it's not from something you've done it's probably from something he has. I learned that lesson the long and painful way.

Dimitri

Regarding your BF. Relationships are built on mutual trust. Make sure you're not doing anything that breaches his and worry if he obsesses that you are. Jealousy comes from somewhere, and if it's not from something you've done it's probably from something he has. I learned that lesson the long and painful way.

While this is true in some situations also take into account that if he has been hurt before than he may also be overly suspicious, i know having been cheated on in the past that at times i get hit with an irrational unease even when there is absolutely no reason to which at times is difficult to conceal.
And yes he does want a piece of ya. Yes ye can remain friends just ease off on theone on one time, doesn't have to stop but he is single and the moral standard drops with every drink, so knowing you have a boyfriend certainly won't stop him asking him the question every man asks himself when he sees a woman "would ya?" (and in your case the answer is he would) and after a few drinks would ya becomes "can i ya?" especially when in a one on one situation where there is inevitably heightened sexual tension.