Help please? Doubting the girl I love...

LegacyUser

Alright, so I moved abroad a couple of days ago to finish my masters and me and my gf decided to do the long distance thing.

we're talking on the phone and she asks me if she can send web texts to me seeing as I'm in England. I tell her to check the internet and i'll tell her.

She isn't beside the computer, so I offer my services instead.

So I log into her account and test to see if it works.

(hold on, I'll get there)

I assume im in the address book - which i am - but her ex is there also. I think nothing of it as my ex is in mine and i never pass any remarks.

We were talking about how we send each other messages at such weird hours because we're totally out of sync with each other (just general blabber between a couple)

I look at her history and say "oh, sure I wasn't there at that time...etc etc"

Then my paranoia kicks in.

Every woman i've ever been with has lied to me. Lied lied lied. I make sure and told her, i'm a very reasonable and understanding person. If there's ever a problem, never to feel afraid and that we could talk things out.

Long story short

Ex's number - copy
Call history - search

text message ranging from 01 - 16th sept usually late at night 00:00 - 01:00

Total breach of privacy, I know. Shoot me.

So we're still talking.

Previously in the conversation, I had let her know an ex of mine text me to wish me good luck on my travel.

I decided to use this to let her explain.

It went along the lines of - ex's can tag on for a while after a relationship, do you still keep in touch with yours?

No, no and no.

She says 2 months ago he said he'd move to Ireland (from europe) sell his business and marry her if she'd have him.

We spoke about it before and she said she let him know she wasn't interested and cut off communication with him there.

So you haven't spoked to him in that long eh?

No, no and no.

What the hell. She had texted him 6 times the previous night.

I wouldn't care if they were discussing the colour of the sky.....just as long as there's no lies or deceit.

What the hell am I gonna do?

Should I confront her? Seeing as I was a dick and looked at her history...
Even though at the start of the conversation, I gave her my login info as a joke - as to say - don't worry we're even (stupid humour, but that's besides the point)

I've been 100% honest with her the whole relationship...and I'm no hypocrite, so I'm going to have to tell her I saw it. ****.

Halp?

Wibbs

OK clearly bad show on the snooping as you admit yourself, but that's by the by at this stage unfortunately.

It doesn't sound good. Best case scenario? She's still in contact because she feels guilty over the ex and or wants him around as a friend, but doesn't want to upset you. While this is best case, it does show that she's uncomfortable discussing it. IMHO she's uncomfortable, but not just for the reason that it might upset you. Too often that can be used as an excuse.

Worse case scenario? She's hedging her bets or is still not over the ex or fully committed to you. If I'm fully committed to someone, I may think fondly of an ex, but I'm certainly not sending texts in the middle of the night. Was there much of a gap between you and her ex? If it was a quick changeover that's not so good a sign as far as rebounds go.

I think bite the bullet time and ask her calmly what's what, as your long distance relationship will be put under a lot of stress and you will be under a lot of stress thinking about this.

Dan Chipowski

Never mind the fact you snooped, you are being made a fool of. 6 texts in one night and late at night too???

You need to have this out with her, but wait until you are home so you can do it face to face. To be honest, you already have grounds to get rid of her, once a liar always a liar.

MooseJam

she's obviously cheating, I wouldn't bother having it out, just dump her

LegacyUser

Right, so I've bitten the bullet and confronted her.

She has been getting texts from her ex asking her to get back with him. She said she's been telling him where to go and the reason she didn't tell me was because she didn't think it was important to tell me he was bugging her again because it's not important to her.

She says she has been telling him that she's not interested and that she's in love with me and to get lost.

Thoughts?

Vain

MooseJam wrote: »

she's obviously cheating, I wouldn't bother having it out, just dump her

Just because you talk to your ex doesn’t mean your cheating. Maybe the op is a jealous person and his girlfriend only trying to save him getting jealous and upset over a friendship with an ex. Best thing to do is just ring her and explain all you said in your thread and ask her straight out.

Oryx

Hang on, if she was cheating and being sneaky i cant see why she would risk giving you her login details. If you are sure sure sure of what you saw, the only way is to say it to her and take the flak for snooping. Trust between you is shaky now anyway. Only she can tell you whats going on, so ask. Edit.. Sorry op, cross posted with you her story rings true to me, but only you know her...

Wibbs

freaking__out wrote: »

She says she has been telling him that she's not interested and that she's in love with me and to get lost.

Thoughts?

You know her better than us so you would be in a better position to know. I would say take her at her word, as it is possible. The only thing I would say is that telling someone it's over and get lost should hardly take this amount of contact surely. I mean 6 texts in one night? "Fúck off, it's over" or more cautious words to that effect do not require a lot of conversation. That said some people(especially some women) are notoriously reticent about confrontation so rather than spell it out, will let it drag on hoping the other person takes the "hint".

IRISH RAIL

text message ranging from 01 - 16th sept usually late at night 00:00 - 01:00

shs caught out now so her details will be changed
the excuse she told you doesnt cut it shes lied to you already with you far away its easy to lie some more

the trust is gone
id text her and say it must be costing you a fortune texting two guys at the same time just text him from now on.

LegacyUser

Let me tell you a story mate.

A friend of mine did something similar to what you did to find out his wife was cheating with another man. he confronted her with the evidence. her response...

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU INVADED MY PRIVACY LIKE THAT. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU, THATS JUST WRONG, YOU VIOLATED MY PRIVACY I CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU ETC".

Completely illogical considering she was having sex with another man, but thats the female mind in my opinion... illogical. Take this story into consideration before you make your final decision. And I'm not saying you shouldn't confront, just be very prepared and be sure you want to do it.

pow wow

She knows you were cheated on before and hasn't mentioned she 'occasionally' communicates with her ex? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Knowing your past she may not want to even enter the realm of possibility of you thinking she might be unfaithful, so she chose not to tell you that every now and then she texts him back and forth. If she's never given you any reason to mistrust her before I'd take her at her word this time, but be cautious by all means. Your mind is going to do all sorts of wandering anyway with the distance between you and only you can decide if your relationship is worth it.

If it's any consolation I get random texts from old exes of mine occasionally and I reply to them; just because things didn't work out I don't have to hate them. It never goes beyond a few texts bantering back and forth and even when I'm with someone else I don't see anything wrong with it. It's possible to be casual friends with past partners, and if she knows you're sensitive about even the possibility of her cheating, she may have just been trying to spare your feelings.

girl_friday

I'd believe her. My ex used to get obsessions and text me at all hours even a year after we split... In the end I had to change my number to stop it as texts and calls begging him to stop had no effect!!


You shouldn't have snooped because you broke her trust then... Not a good way to deal with a relationship!!

RubyXI

Well i was in the position that my ex was texting me at all hours wanting to get back with me. I didnt tell my boyfriend every time it happened but he did vaguely know what was going on. And if he ever asked me if i'd been talking to my ex i would tell him that he had text me. But then again my boyfriend is quite easy going and i know he wouldn't freak out about it. He knows the whole saga.
So whereas it is possible something is going on between them, it's also quite possible he does want her back and she's letting him down gently. She may just be trying to avoid conflict.

AngryBadger

OP I'm afraid this comes down to whether or not you feel you can trust your gf at this stage.

There're already people coming down on both sides of the issue here, unfortunately (or fortunately?) the final call is down to you. Do you believe her when she tells you that she's been fobbing him off and didn't mention it because she didn't think it was important? Or do you think that's all a convenient lie.

Personally I think she's behaving very inappropriately. I don't see an issue with maintaining contact with ex partners as long as it's plutonic., however this guy is asking her to come back and marry him? That's in no way plutonic. The only appropriate course of action here would be for her to have told him no, and that if he continued asking she'd cut off contact. She hasn't done this, which indicates (to me at least...) that she's implicitly encouraging this behaviour, when she should make it clear she's not interested, and terminate contact if he won't take the hint.

So I guess I'm saying I'd be HIGHLY suspicious of this.

Sugar Drunk

her excuse sounds very weak - he has been asking her to get back with him and shes not interested yet shes sending six texts a night - from the 1st - 16th september?! If she was not interested why does she keep texting back? Thats a hell of a lot of texts to someone she s NOT interested in? and why did she lie about it? when she gave you her login she may not have known you could check history (I didnt until I read you post!)

LegacyUser

When I read this I got a shock, it was almost, almost as if it was about me. (although I was the ex in the situation)

Let me tell you what happened:

I broke up with my girlfriend after a while doing the long distance thing. We started seeing each other a bit and were working towards getting back together. While we were doing this she met a guy in the country where she was living and started seeing him. All of this was unbeknownst to me and I continued talking with her about getting back together (She was supposed to be moving home). Then her plans changed due to work and she was going to stay out foreign. Eventually she admitted to me that she was seeing someone else. Now we weren't together so she wasn't cheating but I felt very stupid because I didn't know she had a boyfriend (which he had become at this stage).

Anyway - she came home for about 2 months and during that time I made a huge effort to convince her she was making a mistake. I offered to move to where she was so we could be together. There was a lot of tears on both sides and she did the whole 'I'm confused' 'I love you' thing but still went back out foreign and went back to her boyfriend. The whole time I was sending her emails, texts etc and calling her every now and then. I told her that if she said 'No' to me then I would stop and leave her alone but she didn't (even though I'm pretty sure she told her boyfriend that she had told me 'No').

This went on for months and I was a complete wreck. All the time I'm pretty sure her boyfriend had no idea about it. Finally (and almost out of me practically forcing her to say it) she told me 'No' and then I left her alone and any contact has been polite but un-emotional.

To be honest I feel extremely stupid as this girl never really had any intention of getting back with me I believe but because of our past or maybe because she liked the attention and melodrama of it all she kept stringing me along and her boyfriend was none the wiser. Oh yes and while she was home we did kiss a lot (but nothing more) so she had cheated on him with me.

Anyway - I just thought I'd tell you the story from the other side of things. Obviously I have no way of knowing if your OH is acting like this but it happened to me.

SpookyDoll

freaking__out wrote: »

Right, so I've bitten the bullet and confronted her.

She has been getting texts from her ex asking her to get back with him. She said she's been telling him where to go and the reason she didn't tell me was because she didn't think it was important to tell me he was bugging her again because it's not important to her.

She says she has been telling him that she's not interested and that she's in love with me and to get lost.

Thoughts?

Smell of Bull off it mate, it only takes one text to tell someone to fook off.

I had an ex bugging me by text for about 6 months into my current relationship, I made damn sure I told my BF in case there was any confusion. Forewarned is forearmed and all that. I used to ignore his texts to make him go away, not reply 6 times a night.

citeal

she's been lying to you. ok you snooped when you shouldn't but that doesnt' change that you found out she's lied straight to your face.

I'd dump her. you can't believe what she says now & her excuses are flimsy.

themacdaddy

i know this is not going to help you but everyone thats offers advice here is usually doing this based on past experiences and perceptions...only you know what she is really like mate...if ye are very close and have been together for a while you probably know what she is like and what she would and wouldnt do...i get texts from ex's all the time...nothing sinister either..just chat....he may want her but that doesnt mean she wants him...just think hard about what you want to do....its not easy but anything worth having is never easy!

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

Andyfbt

I actually looked in my girlfriends phone on 3 seperate occasions and confronted her. Each time I had noticed she was being very text happy and I would say "who are you texting" and she would say "Jenny" or "Laura". The first time was a good few years ago. I didn't find anything in it but an unsaved number. I took it down and rang it on private but didn't get an answer. Then later on that night my girlfriend was using my phone and went into last dialled and said why did you ring "Laura". I tried to say the number had rang me but had to own up. So it was bad on me for invading her privesy.

I got in so much trouble over that i didn't do it again until we were going through a rough patch and i noticed she was being text happy again. I got her phone and i noticed some texts from an unsaved number saying stuff like "where were you last night I had the champagne on ice" and "i'll be coming back with a lovely tan" but i read her sent items and i could see she was just joking with him and she had said will you stop i have a b/f. But i still said to her that i had looked. She kicked me out and it almost finished us as she said i didn't trust her and she had never cheated and it was just him texting her but she had told him not to. I had taking the phone number of the guy down in my phone and saved it as 'ring' as i was going to ring and threaten him but in the end i just said to myself to get over it as the guy was someone she used to work with so wasn't going to ring telling threatening him when there was no solid proof just a bit of banter through text. Her text happyness stopped after the incident though

But this is the worst of it. About 10 months later (which was about 6 months ago) I again noticed she was text happy. We were actually getting on really well at the time but still found it quite odd that she was texting and constantly checking her phone to see if there was a message. Again if i asked who she was texting she would say it was one of her friends. One morning she went in to the toilet so i quickly got her phone and checked her sent items to see who she was texting, i nearly got sick when i seen messages from her saying things like "My car is too small", "would your sisters not catch me on the way in or out of your room", "I can't remember can you", "I was so drunk coming in i just fell into bed, lucky i couldn't find my charger then". I wrote the number again and rang it and cancelled to save it in me last dialed. It turned out it was the same bloke who i had marked to ring from the 10 months previous. She came back in but i didn't say anything. I was shaking. I went out of the room to get ready for work but i rang the number and the bloke answered, i suspected it might be a fellow worker so i asked what office are you in today but he didn't understand so i just said this is so and so's boyfriend. What's going on, he stayed quiet so told him if he calls her again i'd stab him and cut him up. Then i went down and said it to her. She was crying but she promised she was just humouring his messages and she hadn't even seen him in months he had just begun to text her again. I took her back and she did a lot of making up but will never know for sure.

third wheel

I caught sight of an email once that my girlfriend had from her boyfriend. After that I started checking her messages (bad form etc etc).

Anyways apart from the initial messages of 'I still miss you' it was all really innocent. But the annoying thing is that she lied about getting them which made me more nervous. I recently found out that she invited him to a gig that she didn't tell me about :mad:.


Much better off been single. I should have taken the boardsies advice and dumped her. Much better off now!!!

So even if they are innocent messages (which I doubt they are) it is not good that she is keeping it from you. Also as a guy when I'm sitting around late at night I have been know to text ex's to see do they want to meet up I never text them during the day. If all they messages are at night then maybe he is looking for a f-buddy.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

Andyfbt wrote: »

I actually looked in my girlfriends phone on 3 seperate occasions and confronted her. Each time I had noticed she was being very text happy and I would say "who are you texting" and she would say "Jenny" or "Laura". The first time was a good few years ago. I didn't find anything in it but an unsaved number. I took it down and rang it on private but didn't get an answer. Then later on that night my girlfriend was using my phone and went into last dialled and said why did you ring "Laura". I tried to say the number had rang me but had to own up. So it was bad on me for invading her privesy.

I got in so much trouble over that i didn't do it again until we were going through a rough patch and i noticed she was being text happy again. I got her phone and i noticed some texts from an unsaved number saying stuff like "where were you last night I had the champagne on ice" and "i'll be coming back with a lovely tan" but i read her sent items and i could see she was just joking with him and she had said will you stop i have a b/f. But i still said to her that i had looked. She kicked me out and it almost finished us as she said i didn't trust her and she had never cheated and it was just him texting her but she had told him not to. I had taking the phone number of the guy down in my phone and saved it as 'ring' as i was going to ring and threaten him but in the end i just said to myself to get over it as the guy was someone she used to work with so wasn't going to ring telling threatening him when there was no solid proof just a bit of banter through text. Her text happyness stopped after the incident though

But this is the worst of it. About 10 months later (which was about 6 months ago) I again noticed she was text happy. We were actually getting on really well at the time but still found it quite odd that she was texting and constantly checking her phone to see if there was a message. Again if i asked who she was texting she would say it was one of her friends. One morning she went in to the toilet so i quickly got her phone and checked her sent items to see who she was texting, i nearly got sick when i seen messages from her saying things like "My car is too small", "would your sisters not catch me on the way in or out of your room", "I can't remember can you", "I was so drunk coming in i just fell into bed, lucky i couldn't find my charger then". I wrote the number again and rang it and cancelled to save it in me last dialed. It turned out it was the same bloke who i had marked to ring from the 10 months previous. She came back in but i didn't say anything. I was shaking. I went out of the room to get ready for work but i rang the number and the bloke answered, i suspected it might be a fellow worker so i asked what office are you in today but he didn't understand so i just said this is so and so's boyfriend. What's going on, he stayed quiet so told him if he calls her again i'd stab him and cut him up. Then i went down and said it to her. She was crying but she promised she was just humouring his messages and she hadn't even seen him in months he had just begun to text her again. I took her back and she did a lot of making up but will never know for sure.

holy crap:eek:, are you still with her?

i would not even waste my time, as much as you like her, she is a liar and she has repeatedly done it to you

one of my friends has been going out with his girlfriend for 6 years and he has cheated on her so many times, he said after the first few times it gets easy

you are wasting your time and setting yourself up for a something horrible

not yet

Get rid.....

Simular situation years back,swore on everything she held dear that I was wrong.......guess what, I wasn't. Always go with your instinct god in his wisdom gave it to us to filter out the bullsh1t we get from some sections of womanhood.

Loose Lips

OP: Long distance relationships are difficult at the best of times. I think you know this. If this is how it is going at the very start, things don't look very promising.

I think you are looking for an excuse to dump her so that you can enjoy your new life. Well, I've a newsflash for you: You don't need an excuse to be happy! Just cut her loose and get on with it!

Cheerio

bennyblanco

+1 (sort of)
OP Long distance can be draining at the best of times,both partners need to trust eachother completely,otherwise (if you're anything like me and it sounds like you are) you start mindjobbing yourself as your insecurity is tweaked by stupid things that can come up normally.Its horrible.
But now she's lied to you,and based on what you said her response to you confronting her is pretty weak.I stand with the folks who say that you dont need to text someone 6 times to say "it's over over".
As people have said,only you really know whether you can trust her but the killer is (because of your history) now your head is going to be completely melted.
Go with your gut
The last thing you want is months of headwreck that adversely affect your studies.
Maybe you need a break to see how you feel?Is it worth it?
I hope it works out for you whatever you decide
(trust yourself)

MJOR

I donn't think that shes been doing anything suss. She wouldn't have given you her password otherwise!

the_syco

MJOR wrote: »

I donn't think that shes been doing anything suss. She wouldn't have given you her password otherwise!

She may not have known that it's possible to check sent messages. Some people don't know anything beyond sending the text.

=-=

Usually I'd be on the "dump her" bandwagon, but, I dunno. The texts, due to the time they were sent, could be of the "drunken texts to the ex" variety.