Head is melted

LegacyUser

Bit long but bare with me.

Been with me girlfriend 10 years+ since we were teenagers, we get on really well and im still very attracted to her. Anyway about 3 weeks ago we were at a party and a friend of mine who is in his 40's and has a good few kids was sitting with us along with his wife, anyway my girlfriend and me mate are really drunk and of course chatting while im off chatting with others, so its getting around 12ish and we had planned head to a nightclub so i went over and asked her if she was ready and she said she didnt want to go and would rather stay at the party. Of course I say no probs but is it okay if i head off with a few ppl that are going anyway. No problems she said.

I met her back at a house party after the nightclub and she was really drunk and just headed to bed.

Anyway to cut the story a bit. I was sitting with her in our house on friday night and she gets a phone call from the 40 year old friend, she got all hot and bordered and didnt answer. I asked "whats he ringing you for" she just said "em nothing" so i asked if he rings her ofter and she said "no", so i asked for a look at her fone and there was loads of phone calls from him and her returning calls. So we get into a bit of an arguement about it, and she admits that he has been ringing because he is having problems with his marriage, but admitted that were sort of flirting, she promised me thats all that happened but I finding it so hard to believe her.

The thing is I know this guy well and to put it frank he would get up on a cat.

I have tried to ring me "friend" to see whats the crack from his side and he wont answer me calls. And has turned his phone off since. I dont really want to go to his house and upset the whole family.

Cant believe she would do this, as im thinking of ending it because Im finding it really hard to trust her.

Any advice on what i should do and Im absolutley mad into her but to be honest im a broken hearted at the moment.

Also just to add her friend who was also in a long relationship recently split with her boyfriend and she is always in the house saying how great it is to be single, so im starting to think maybe she wants to be be single and see if the grass is greener on the otherside.

zuroph

more ur "mate's" fault than anything else. she's been flirted with, and everyone loves a b it of attention, but its the mate that has been pushing the issue, and trying to chat her up. I'd chat to her about it, and tell him where to go, if he sniffs around again, tell his wife.

themullet

Hey OP, sorry to hear about your troubles. Firstly, I would say that your girlfriend has been taken in by this liar. He probably played the poor mouth to her, made out to be really caring, sensitive, told fake stories about his troubled marriage, etc. And of course she loved the bit of attention.

My advice to you would be to do the manly thing. Go to his house and talk face to face. Talk to him outside the front door or something but it needs to be face to face. He needs to know you are serious. Then tell him to p*ss off and that if he doesn't stop phoning your girlfriend then you are going to tell his wife.

Give your girlfriend another chance. I know this might sound silly but it might be the kick up the arse you needed. maybe you hadn't been paying her enough attention, or were taking her for granted. A general settling into the comfort zone as it were. Take it as a well learned lesson. Rather it would happen now than when you're married. Hope it all works out.

valleyoftheunos

She has hurt you and as you say you are a bit "broken hearted" at the moment. But dont write things off just yet, talk to each other about things, then talk to each other a bit more and then after that talk to each other again.

This is the only way you will find out what, if anything beyond some flirting went on that night and its the only way you will find out what you both want from your relationship.

It may be the case that she is wondering if the grass greener on the single side of the fence but that doesn't mean it will be greener or that she really wants to find out. You have been together a long time and have invested so much in your relationship that neither of you should give up on it easily.

metamorphic

eh, I'd be very worried about the fact he won't even talk to you. If I was flirting with someone's GF and chatting to her alot it wouldn't prevent me talking to their boyfriend, if it's true about him having some problems surely he can also tell you, as you're his friend after all.

whereas if I'd done something I shouldn't and got a call from the BF maybe then I'd run and hide.

Hope it's not the case but it's an big reaction for a small thing, which leads me to think it's not a small thing.

Sorry it's probably the last thing you want to hear, but that's the conclusion I'd come to.

jessbeth

With friends like that who needs enemies. He's definitely not your buddy is he is hitting on your girlfriend. I can't say it's all his fault though because it takes two to tango. Maybe your girlfriend is a bit bored and you guys could split or else have a chat about spicing things up a bit in your own relationship.

LegacyUser

Cheers for all the replys.

Yeah its reckon me head that he wont answer, i know this guy well and he has had quite a few affairs on his wife and to be honest I dont think he would think twice about jumping into bed with me girlfriend, like at first she wouldn't tell me what they use to talk about, but i told her he is a love rat and that he has had affairs on his wife before, so she then told me that he used to say things like "i need to get out of this marriage crap" sand at the end of every conversation "now this is between me and you dont let anyone else know" sort of thing.

This guy is a complete love rate cowardy b*stard (excuse me language) and its typical that he wont answer because he wont face up to it. But as you say I have to face him so i might drop by his door later. I have told me girlfriend that I need to see him but she said I should just leave it and get on with our relationship. But he shouldnt be getting away with this.

Yeah i reckon she may have been toying with the idea of is the grass greener on the other side, esp hearing it from her mate every second minute of the day. But now im like checking her bebo and all like a stalker and I hate doing and feeling like this. AARRGGHHH its horrible.

jessbeth

Don't let this ruin your trust, if she's never done anything like this before, it's probably a once off stupid mistake and the guy is probably one of these fellas who make you think that you're a goddess etc. These type of men are usually very clever and drawing people in with their smooth words etc and she is only human after all. Sometimes it's easier then people like to admit to get caught out by guys like him. Believe me, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and burned it

valleyoftheunos

If you feel liek you have to face this guy so be it, but only do it once, keep it between you and him, say your pice and leave it at that. there is nothing to be gained from it.

It can be easy for men like him to make moves on other peoples Wives or girlfriends. lots of compliments and attention, its all abit new and exciting but as soon as it gets a little bit old he is off and no worries to him. He has done it before, he clearly has no concern for his wife or family or anyone's elses. He's not your friend.

LegacyUser

You are handling this all wrong.

Let me explain.

You are openly showing her how threatened you feel by this guy. Why would you feel threatened by him? Would you feel threatened if a begger asked your girlfriend for a date? No. People only tend to feel threatened by people who are of higher value than them. Therefore, you are showing her that you think he is of higher value than you. This is making him more attractive to her whether you want to admit it or not. Also, telling her that he has had countless affairs is only making him look even more attractive to her, she knows she can have him and she knows other women want him.

The errors here are reacting too much and actually accepting this behaviour. this action by her will recur unless you take a firm stand on what you accept. Bounderies are attractive. When you saw that she was texting him and ringing him you should have said nothing. You should have female friends that are interested in you and you should have started texting and calling them. You need to make her scared to mess you around like this. Any girlfriend I have ever had knows for a fact that I would dump them like a hot coal if they pulled the kind of thing she was pulling. That was before I realised how flawed the monogamous relationship concept actually is though.

But anyway, you need to let your girlfriend feel what it would be like to lose you. Otherwise, I can guarantee she will continue this and it will get worse. You can't blame this guy either, he is a man and is doing what all men would do. If it's not him it's gonna be somebody else.

The problem is entirely down to you and how you are handling your relationship.

LegacyUser

jessbeth wrote: »

Don't let this ruin your trust, if she's never done anything like this before, it's probably a once off stupid mistake and the guy is probably one of these fellas who make you think that you're a goddess etc. These type of men are usually very clever and drawing people in with their smooth words etc and she is only human after all. Sometimes it's easier then people like to admit to get caught out by guys like him. Believe me, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and burned it

Your right I need to start trusting again, she hasnt ever done anything like this before in all the years we have been together, but to be totally honest I feel a bit of hatred towards her for doing this, like when I seen the calls it was like being stabbed in the chest, when i used to hear the word broken hearted I used to think its just a bad patch ppl are going through and you have to dust yourself down and get over it, but jaysus its a horrible thing. Also what goes through your mind when you think someone is being unfaithful is just crazy.


BTW cheers again for the replys.

LegacyUser

valleyoftheunos wrote: »

If you feel liek you have to face this guy so be it, but only do it once, keep it between you and him, say your pice and leave it at that. there is nothing to be gained from it.

It can be easy for men like him to make moves on other peoples Wives or girlfriends. lots of compliments and attention, its all abit new and exciting but as soon as it gets a little bit old he is off and no worries to him. He has done it before, he clearly has no concern for his wife or family or anyone's elses. He's not your friend.

Jaysus ill never talk to this kunt again, likewise me g/f said she if she wouldnt either and if she seen him again she would look the other way because she taught she was just being good friends with him and now realised he was stringing her along. But hey she lied before she can easily do it again but hey i have to trust her. It will be tough but will be have to be done.

jessbeth

Melted Head wrote: »

Your right I need to start trusting again, she hasnt ever done anything like this before in all the years we have been together, but to be totally honest I feel a bit of hatred towards her for doing this, like when I seen the calls it was like being stabbed in the chest, when i used to hear the word broken hearted I used to think its just a bad patch ppl are going through and you have to dust yourself down and get over it, but jaysus its a horrible thing. Also what goes through your mind when you think someone is being unfaithful is just crazy.


BTW cheers again for the replys.

I would think that's a really normal reaction. It's kind of like being kicked in the stomach or something isn't it? You feel let down by the person you probably trust the most and then you start questioning everything. I know how it is. I mean maybe if it's bothering you that much it would be a good idea to sit down and have a good ol' heart to heart and tell her how it really hurt you etc. Really let her know how you feel and if she does love you then she will make sure that it never happens again. She's probably learnt her lesson by now.
A tip might be to spice things up between yourselves a bit so that guys like him don't even get a look in. Maybe have a little chat about how you could both make a bit more of an effort to save the relationship going stale.

LegacyUser

wow100 wrote: »

You are handling this all wrong.

Let me explain.

You are openly showing her how threatened you feel by this guy. Why would you feel threatened by him? Would you feel threatened if a begger asked your girlfriend for a date? No. People only tend to feel threatened by people who are of higher value than them. Therefore, you are showing her that you think he is of higher value than you. This is making him more attractive to her whether you want to admit it or not. Also, telling her that he has had countless affairs is only making him look even more attractive to her, she knows she can have him and she knows other women want him.

The errors here are reacting too much and actually accepting this behaviour. this action by her will recur unless you take a firm stand on what you accept. Bounderies are attractive. When you saw that she was texting him and ringing him you should have said nothing. You should have female friends that are interested in you and you should have started texting and calling them. You need to make her scared to mess you around like this. Any girlfriend I have ever had knows for a fact that I would dump them like a hot coal if they pulled the kind of thing she was pulling. That was before I realised how flawed the monogamous relationship concept actually is though.

But anyway, you need to let your girlfriend feel what it would be like to lose you. Otherwise, I can guarantee she will continue this and it will get worse. You can't blame this guy either, he is a man and is doing what all men would do. If it's not him it's gonna be somebody else.

The problem is entirely down to you and how you are handling your relationship.

Cheers for reply.

Exactly what I was feeling, I have a few female friends so im thinking of starting to email them, but am i only going to make matters worse?

unhappycamper

How dare that sleaze bag sniff his dirty dog nose into your business. Absolutely appalling behavior on his behalf. Lose him or tell him to lose himself and stick his nose somewhere else. I would want to lash out at that guy acting so indecent not physically but tell him off.

As for your other half I would rebuild the trust factor with her and move on, who contacted who first? Thats a question I would be asking? Ask her if the shoe was on the other foot how would she feel. Take a break from her, let her know that this is not on and you are not digging it.

beth-lou

Is it possible that he is avoiding your calls because your girlfriend has forewarned him that you have found out? Your girlfriend was bang outof order as was your so called friend. Why didn't she tell you about the calls if it was just her being a shoulder to cry on? And why did she get so hot and bothered. Sorry to be so blunt, but her story just doesn't add up. you sound like a lovely guy and deserve better. And also what was she thinking flirting with a married man? She's as guilty as he is in this situation. Hope you can work out something that is good for you. x

valleyoftheunos

Melted Head wrote: »

Jaysus ill never talk to this kunt again, likewise me g/f said she if she wouldnt either and if she seen him again she would look the other way because she taught she was just being good friends with him and now realised he was stringing her along. But hey she lied before she can easily do it again but hey i have to trust her. It will be tough but will be have to be done.

fairplay to you.

LegacyUser

Okay here is the big Q

1. Should I hit the lingerie shop on the way home from work and try and spice things up
or
2. Take a break

For some strange reason this has actually cheered me up a bit chanx everyone.

valleyoftheunos

wow100 wrote: »

You are handling this all wrong.

Let me explain...

...The problem is entirely down to you and how you are handling your relationship.

Entire post is complete waffle, so much so that whoever posted it had to go unreg to do it.

zuroph

Melted Head wrote: »

Jaysus ill never talk to this kunt again, likewise me g/f said she if she wouldnt either and if she seen him again she would look the other way because she taught she was just being good friends with him and now realised he was stringing her along. But hey she lied before she can easily do it again but hey i have to trust her. It will be tough but will be have to be done.

so far, all we know is she lied about ur drunk mate coming on to her, and maybe flirting a few times since. she may just not have said anything to try no to stir up trouble. you dont know how entertaining to the idea she was. give her the benefit of doubt and work it out

metamorphic

ok, so get her to ring him and while on the phone you come in, let him hear you saying "is that him" then go ape **** on the phone, don't hang it up and put it down, makes noises like you're beating the tar out of her (I stress the "LIKE" bit)

when he doesn't rush over there to help, or even call the gardai to call around, you can say to her " and you were interested in that?"

if he does show up you can have a little chat, be sure and let him see your GF has not actually been harmed.

sorry, slow day at the office...

zuroph

metamorphic wrote: »

ok, so get her to ring him and while on the phone you come in, let him hear you saying "is that him" then go ape **** on the phone, don't hang it up and put it down, makes noises like you're beating the tar out of her (I stress the "LIKE" bit)

when he doesn't rush over there to help, or even call the gardai to call around, you can say to her " and you were interested in that?"

if he does show up you can have a little chat, be sure and let him see your GF has not actually been harmed.

sorry, slow day at the office...

and if the guards show up?
not constructive....

metamorphic

crank call from a married man who's trying to get stuck into your GF. Display 1 undamaged GF.... "maybe you should call around and have a chat with him for wasting police time, officer"

win win!

Melted Head

Sorry I have replied to you guys but looks like there is no mods around at the moment to authorise them, so i hav set up an account.

Anyway here is the Big Q

1. Do I drop into the lingerie shop on the way home and spice things up
Or
2. Take A Break

zuroph

how about u sit down with her this evening with a bottle of wine, chat about it, say why t upset you, and offer to try improve things between the two of ye. and suggest u do the lingerie shopping together! She if she wants to say anything while ye're getting stuff off ur chest.

jessbeth

Melted Head wrote: »

Sorry I have replied to you guys but looks like there is no mods around at the moment to authorise them, so i hav set up an account.

Anyway here is the Big Q

1. Do I drop into the lingerie shop on the way home and spice things up
Or
2. Take A Break

Definitely go with spicing things up but make sure that it's something that benefits you both so if you're getting nice lingerie for her get perfume or something as well

Melted Head

jessbeth wrote: »

Definitely go with spicing things up but make sure that it's something that benefits you both so if you're getting nice lingerie for her get perfume or something as well

Perfume aswell jaysus she was in the wrong here what would she expect if godforbid she did ever play away.............a new car :rolleyes: sorry for joking but this has cheered me up today so give yaselves a pat on the back you helped a broken hearted man today.

jessbeth

Melted Head wrote: »

Perfume aswell jaysus she was in the wrong here what would she expect if godforbid she did ever play away.............a new car :rolleyes: sorry for joking but this has cheered me up today so give yaselves a pat on the back you helped a broken hearted man today.

Well you see the logic behind it, is that the lingerie is technically for yourself, get it,

Melted Head

jessbeth wrote: »

Well you see the logic behind it, is that the lingerie is technically for yourself, get it,

Yeah i get it. How about i give her the money, she likes shopping then i can watch the footie match in peace, when the footie match is over she comes in with the stuff, get it on ya love, wham bam thank you mam.

Jaysus this place is great.

Although reckon its thinking like this has got me in this poxy situ in the 1st place

jessbeth

Melted Head wrote: »

Yeah i get it. How about i give her the money, she likes shopping then i can watch the footie match in peace, when the footie match is over she comes in with the stuff, get it on ya love, wham bam thank you mam.

Jaysus this place is great.

Although reckon its thinking like this has got me in this poxy situ in the 1st place

LOL you might be onto something there! Revelations are always good

How you swing from lamp shade with a brad pitt dvd between your teeth wearing nothing but black magic chocolate or you could dangle a box of Leonidas from your ......... ears. That would be an attention getter in my humble opinion. :cool:

zuroph

Melted Head wrote: »

Yeah i get it. How about i give her the money, she likes shopping then i can watch the footie match in peace, when the footie match is over she comes in with the stuff, get it on ya love, wham bam thank you mam.

Jaysus this place is great.

Although reckon its thinking like this has got me in this poxy situ in the 1st place

well theres a "personal issues" first, poster answers his own question in one post! well done!

Melted Head

jessbeth wrote: »

How you swing from lamp shade with a brad pitt dvd between your teeth wearing nothing but black magic chocolate or you could dangle a box of Leonidas from your ......... ears. That would be an attention getter in my humble opinion. :cool:

My goodness that sounds like hard work:D

jessbeth

Melted Head wrote: »

My goodness that sounds like hard work:D

Ah yeah but a little hardwork never killed anyone, well hmmm maybe it did but that's a different discussion altogether

Pub07

Why are you rewarding her for her behaviour by buying lingerie/giving her money to buy it...makes no sense. She's the one who should be trying to be extra nice to you seeing as how she is completely in the wrong.

Melted Head

jessbeth wrote: »

Ah yeah but a little hardwork never killed anyone, well hmmm maybe it did but that's a different discussion altogether

Yeah we will leave that one for another day

Pub07 wrote: »

Why are you rewarding her for her behaviour by buying lingerie/giving her money to buy it...makes no sense. She's the one who should be trying to be extra nice to you seeing as how she is completely in the wrong.

Well the advice i took from this tread was that maybe i am a tiny winy bit to blame, maybe the relationship was going a bit stale, so to try spice things up again i decided to do this and it worked well.


BTW last night had a good chat with her and a good night so chanx everyone, but still waiting to see the love rat kunt.

Silverfish

Melted Head wrote: »

Yeah i get it. How about i give her the money, she likes shopping then i can watch the footie match in peace, when the footie match is over she comes in with the stuff, get it on ya love, wham bam thank you mam.

Jaysus this place is great.

Although reckon its thinking like this has got me in this poxy situ in the 1st place

I'd say you could be right about that.

vandermeyde

if things are getting back on track maybe you're better off leaving the love rat be...

RuailleBuaille

wow100 wrote: »

You are handling this all wrong.

Let me explain.

You are openly showing her how threatened you feel by this guy. Why would you feel threatened by him? Would you feel threatened if a begger asked your girlfriend for a date? No. People only tend to feel threatened by people who are of higher value than them. Therefore, you are showing her that you think he is of higher value than you. This is making him more attractive to her whether you want to admit it or not. Also, telling her that he has had countless affairs is only making him look even more attractive to her, she knows she can have him and she knows other women want him.

The errors here are reacting too much and actually accepting this behaviour. this action by her will recur unless you take a firm stand on what you accept. Bounderies are attractive. When you saw that she was texting him and ringing him you should have said nothing. You should have female friends that are interested in you and you should have started texting and calling them. You need to make her scared to mess you around like this. Any girlfriend I have ever had knows for a fact that I would dump them like a hot coal if they pulled the kind of thing she was pulling. That was before I realised how flawed the monogamous relationship concept actually is though.

But anyway, you need to let your girlfriend feel what it would be like to lose you. Otherwise, I can guarantee she will continue this and it will get worse. You can't blame this guy either, he is a man and is doing what all men would do. If it's not him it's gonna be somebody else.

The problem is entirely down to you and how you are handling your relationship.

This is excellent advice.
If you're 14 and into playing games. :rolleyes:

Eye for an eye leaves us all blind and all that jazz.

Be open with your GF, tell her exactly what you told us.

I would pay yer man a visit though, sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Their reactions seem to be disproportionate to a bit of flirting.

EDIT: I really need to get into the habit of reading a thread fully before replying!

jessbeth

Melted Head wrote: »

Yeah we will leave that one for another day



Well the advice i took from this tread was that maybe i am a tiny winy bit to blame, maybe the relationship was going a bit stale, so to try spice things up again i decided to do this and it worked well.


BTW last night had a good chat with her and a good night so chanx everyone, but still waiting to see the love rat kunt.

Cool that everything went well. Maybe if you just ignore the love rat kunt (phrase of the day) because he is really not worth your time. Don't make him important enough to even acknowledge from now on.