Friends with Ex??

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

I'm just curious as to peoples opinions on staying friends with an ex. I know it depends on alot of
factors like the maturity of the people involve, how you broke up, if either person still has feelings etc.

My situation is - We are both 28, you would think that would mean we're mature and in alot of ways we
are but when it comes to each other we sometimes revert to teenagers!. We broke up 2 years ago. We
have both met a good few other people since but nothing of significance. We have tried and failed many
a time to get back on track and both finally realise that it just doesn't work.

So we decided recently to become friends, true proper friends. He was telling me about a girl he met last week
and although my heart races for a few minutes, that was it. I felt no jealousy and was happy for him that he met
someone. I have a date on Saturday night that he doesn't know about but I know he'd be happy for me too. The only
thing I'm worried about is, we both still fancy each other but that's it.

We are on the same page. We fancy each other but know it's never gonna work so have agreed not to try again. We
have both moved on. It's just the attraction thing, will that fade or become stronger if we stay friends? Can you be friends
with someone you fancy and have history with? Now, when I say friends, I mean email once a week, rarely meet up though.

Can this work?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the helpful relies guys!:(

nolly23

I think you can be friends as you both came to the conclusion that ye dont work as a couple.
The only thing is what happens when one of you meet a new partner. The new partner might not be happy with said friendship esp as ye both still fancy each other.

meditraitor

The lack of replies is probably down to the fact that this type of question has been done to death and the unanimous verdict is

NO

Not in the real sense of the word.

But that is not to say it cannot work in your case so good luck.

Overheal

Wibbs's standard response is at the top of the pile "You can't be friends with the ex while one of you still has ANY feelings for the other."

Its pretty much a rule.

LegacyUser

Thanks.

Could anybody send me a link to similar threads if it's been done before so I can take a look?
I'd appreciate that big time.

All that's left is that we are hugely attracted to each other. We know it would never ever work so there's no going back. We both agree that it'd be a shame to throw away years of history and not be friends at least. I don't mind him seeing other people and he's the same with me. We don't meet up often at all and only email once a week, sometimes not at all.
I'm just wondering if the attraction will fade with time or will we always find each other sexy and possibly compare new partners to each other.

I think he's sound too and vice versa otherwise we wouldn't wanna be friends!

Overheal

socalledfriend wrote: »

Thanks.

Could anybody send me a link to similar threads if it's been done before so I can take a look?
I'd appreciate that big time.

Use the search function, narrow the thread selection to Personal Issues and just search for the keywords 'friends with ex' - should pull up a mountain.

All that's left is that we are hugely attracted to each other. We know it would never ever work so there's no going back. We both agree that it'd be a shame to throw away years of history and not be friends at least. I don't mind him seeing other people and he's the same with me. We don't meet up often at all and only email once a week, sometimes not at all.

Your own testimony betrays you:

"He was telling me about a girl he met last week
and although my heart races for a few minutes, that was it. I felt no jealousy and was happy for him that he met
someone. I have a date on Saturday night that he doesn't know about but I know he'd be happy for me too. The only
thing I'm worried about is, we both still fancy each other but that's it. "

The issue is your relationship never really ended, did it? You always kept in touch within 1-2 weeks; hardly enough time for closure. So I strongly doubt the past relationship really feels dead to either of you.

Wibbs

socalledfriend wrote: »

and although my heart races for a few minutes, that was it.

thing I'm worried about is, we both still fancy each other but that's it.

We fancy each other

we are hugely attracted to each other.

To me, these repeated statements are the issue.

It's just the attraction thing, will that fade or become stronger if we stay friends?

It could go either way.

Can you be friends
with someone you fancy and have history with?

Very difficult. Sooner or later the chances are high somehing will happen that you may both live to regret. Emotional or sexual feelings for an ex are dodgy ground. If it's on both sides? Very dodgy ground.

We have both moved on.

I honestly don't think you have.

Can this work?

As it stands? No. Well, maybe there's an outside chance but it's going to hurt more than it nurtures. What happens if either of you go out with someone else? Comparisons are sure to be made. Not a good plan.

LegacyUser

I'm very good friends with an ex of mine. We bought a house together, subsequently split up. She's married now and I'm living with a new partner. 6 years on, we're still good friends and meet up regularly enough. Of course you can be friends. As long as you don't want anything more. In which case forget it.

Liam Byrne

I'm really good friends with a few exes, and there are one or two of those that I kinda stilll fancy but know it wouldn't work.

There are also one or two of the ones that I'm no longer in contact with that I still "fancy" (for want of a better phrase) but want nothing more to do with them.

It won't work with the latter ones any more than it wouldn't work with the former, and as long as I know that, I'm fine.

Would I be 100% that we wouldn't (the former, not the latter) "hook up", given the chance/drink/lonliness or whatever some night ? Assuming, that is that we're both "single", coz I don't do the dirt.

Honestly ? No. Maybe 90%, coz it'd open a can of worms, but not 100%.

If you're damn sure that you - and he - don't want anything more, then you're fine....otherwise, be on the alert for "temptation" and nip it in the bud. In time, it'll wear off and you won't even have to think about it.

MagicMarker

I think in your case it could work, you've been seperated for 2 years and have probably moved on. Your heart raced when you found out about the date because it suddenly became real to you.

I know exactly how it feels, i recently found out an ex of mine from 2 years ago was with someone, for about a minute the feelings i felt just confused me, i don't think i knew whether to be jealous. But it turns out that i was happy for her and even helped her out with some advice:) I know now that i could be friends with her, thing is, i don't want to be:)

calex71

to be out and out honest op id say not in this situation , this has potential f-buddies given time written all over it, call me wrong but thats how it sounds from what you are saying, i am friends with X's but would not say i am attracted to them at all any more.

The way i see it is... why keep contact with an ex other than a) habbit / attraction / sex was good and want more less strings or you could really be good pals with them and there would be a mutual feeling on this without any hormones etc . either way theres big a difference between being mutually civil and both say cool lets be friends when hopes for more than that if you follo.

Rosita

Obviously it depends what one means by the term 'friend'. Some people describe themselves as still friends with their exes when it simply means they are on acquaintance terms and would not relate to their ex in the way they would with a normal friend as in maintaining regular contact and going out.

But if by being 'friends' someone means hanging out together regularly, then I would say generally speaking in my experience the whole 'platonic' thing doesn't work. When the chips are down the main thing people who have gone out together have in common in just that fact. Real long-term friends need a bigger base than that.

When I have seen this attempted in the past, the two people have always tended to drift apart after they meet other people which is probably because when they cannot relate to each other in any other way once the tension/friction is not ever likely to be acted upon, or when their ex is givng someone else more attention than them.

Some try to defy this with the whole 'mature we can be friends' thing but reality always bites in the end when people stop moving in the same social circle, stop bumping into each other accidentally or deliberately, or start to regard the other as a nuisance turning up like a ghost when they are out with a new partner.

faceman

Overheal wrote: »

Wibbs's standard response is at the top of the pile "You can't be friends with the ex while one of you still has ANY feelings for the other."

Its pretty much a rule.

Im with Overheal and Wibbs on this.

Unless you have a history of friendship before the relationship then staying friends afterward prolongs the healing process and causes further anguish.

It could also jeoparise future relationships with other people.

silvine

You can't be friends with your ex- your deluding yourself by thinking otherwise.

Tak3n

Friendships with ex's only work if both parties are not interested in each other.