First effort in songwriting, criticism needed!

Whipping Boy

Right so, I've been trying to write for the last while and I reckon I'm never going to improve unless I get it out in the open and get some feedback. This was written very quickly and is quite amateurish but any criticism is much appreciated!

Cheers


AVOIDING THE GOLDRUSH

This world has it's hands slyly strewn
across your neck,
forcing out the light,
till all you can hear
is the black and the blue.

Take my hand,
and not just for this lifetime,
I'll be your target,
I'll take every shot,
if it means there's the off chance
you may forge a smile

Raise your head,
Raise it and face the falling skies,
But leave your hands free,
He's faded away,
Along with all of your hopes

You say I always land on my feet
Well, I'd gladly cut them off for you
I'd cut them off,
Just to spite this world

How can this world,
force it's weight upon your shoulders?
till you fall,
and you cry watching all those in your sight
steal, borrow, beg, lie and propser...

I'm cast in gold
but all I wanna do is help you
Your growing old,
and all you see is black and blue

smithfish

deep words fair play for puttin it out there, no dout you have a talent but you can have the best lyrics and a bad tune it all has to come together for a good song.

Whipping Boy

Cheers for the reply Smithfish, I really appreciate your comments. You're dead right in regards to needing a tune, me and my friend have been working on a few tracks lately so hopefully we'll also finish this one and It'll all come together. Cheers again

bigstar

how old are you whipping boy, id say there not bad, a bit earnest maybe, depends what your aiming for , but im no expert

Whipping Boy

Cheers Bigstar, I'm 19, why do you ask? Yeah I can see what you mean about it being too earnest, it's about an issue that's quite deep so perhaps that's why but I think it would be better if presented in a somewhat less direct approach maybe.

Cheers for the input!

G-izzles

I like it. It's deep. Very deep. A bit overly dramatic though at points. The bit about cutting off your feet, I dunno, I just always find lyrics that involve ridiculous sacrifices for tiny rewards a bit off-putting. You've got talent and potential but I feel you're leaning a bit towards the extreme.

Try instead to focus on the issue and draw from that, rather than the overall metaphor. For instance, the feet thing. Obviously you're saying here you're willing to do anything to make someone even a little bit happy. Well, take the issue and think about what's making them upset and work with that. It's a little cliche, Bryan Adams-esque to go for that 'I'd die for you approach'. Because in fairness, what would that gain? If dying for someone would make them happy then they obviously don't like you that much.

But anyway, as I said, you've got a good thing going. It's honest and it's deep. It's just a little too deep I think. Keep up the good work though!

humberklog

Some relly cracking lines in this song.
Brilliant ones like "I'll be your target
I'll take every shot
If it means the off chance".
But do you think the opening lines and last lines of this verse are worthy enough? Hands?Lifetime?Smile forging? I don't think they are. Let the braver lyrics direct the song and trounce out the more standard typical lines. The song has this happening here and there but mostly it's the strong ones that shine through therefore keeping the song well away from falling into a non-entity.
There's too much talent in the original parts to let the obvious lines rule. But be braver. Take your hands from the guide rope and trust in what your writing because as said...it's the original sections that are excellent.

P.S Age has nothing to do with anything. Earnest is good. Strength holds more truth than weakness.

Whipping Boy

G-izzles: I understand what you're saying, it probably is slightly over dramatic. The part about cutting off the feet has more to with the injustice felt when the person in question compares themselves to me and how I wish it wasn't so and that I'd gladly give it all up but I definitely get what you mean. Cheers!

Humberklog: I agree with the beig braver bit, there's a certain tendency to just write what you feel should be written and go off track of what you're really feeling and I probably fall into that trap a bit. I'm going to try get out of that habit though and hopefully it shall all come together!

Thanks for the replies, much appreciated! :pac:

humberklog

Whipping Boy wrote: »

G-izzles: The part about cutting off the feet :pac:

That's one of the best parts. Inspired. Without that type of working the lyrics wouldn't be anything new. Ignore the advice that tries to keep you on the straight and narrow. It's worthless. Dig deeper and avoid the obvious pratfalls of expression. You'll feel better in yourself for being yourself.

G-izzles

humberklog wrote: »

That's one of the best parts. Inspired. Without that type of working the lyrics wouldn't be anything new. Ignore the advice that tries to keep you on the straight and narrow. It's worthless. Dig deeper and avoid the obvious pratfalls of expression. You'll feel better in yourself for being yourself.

Ah here now humber, there's no need for that. Telling him to ignore advice is irrespnsible and to be honest, makes you come off as a know-it-all.

Take advice as it's given and discard it as you see fit. My point was that maybe the extreme can be a bit of a safe road at times. Look at how Sting approcahed issues when he was in The Police. A simple title like 'The Bed's Too Big Without You' immediately let's you know exactly what's going on. Even in 'I Can't Stand Losing You' (which I'll admit is a bit of an extreme topic (suicide) but at least he's not using it as an option, it's the only thing on his mind) - Sting has a great line "I guess you could call it suicide, but I'm too full, to swallow my pride"

That line's humorous but at the same time it hits you and he never had to mention needles, blades or self mutilation. Of course, he also wrote a song called 'De-doo-doo-doo, De-da-da-da" - so you can't take too much inspiration from him!!

Hope that helps!!!

humberklog

G-izzles wrote: »

Ah here now humber, there's no need for that. Telling him to ignore advice is irrespnsible and to be honest, makes you come off as a know-it-all.

Take advice as it's given and discard it as you see fit.

Hope that helps!!!

Yikes you're right! I was kinda caught trolling with intent there.



It helps a lot. Good points well made.

Whipping Boy

We all friends again? :pac:

Cheers for the comments lads, I understand what both of you's are saying and there is a definite need for criticism hence why I posted them in the first place!

I really appreciate the feedback, I wasn't really expecting anything positive from this as I felt it was very rough and it was done very quickly so thanks again. I shall take the comments on board and hopefully have something new up in a little while.