Horrible realisation!!!!

LegacyUser

Hi

I am going unreg for this

i have been watching eastenders abuse storyline this week(tony/whitney)and have looked at the magazine headings about tony being a peadophile

the thing is my head is all over the place after watching this

when i was 12 i developed a crush on my brother in law,i never thought it would lead to anything, just a stupid childhood crush,but i would often go to my sisters flat and he would help me with my homework and things and he suddenly kissed me, i froze didnt know what to do, he said he wanted to show me some new dog toys my sister had bought that day, they were in the bedroom, i went in and he pushed me down onto the bed, we had sex, i wasnt comfortable doing this and asked him to stop several times,but he told me to "shush, its ok", he then told me to go home my parents would be waiting for me

when i went home i was confused part of me was giddyand happy because it ment that he liked me(i know it sounds stupid) but the other part of me was unhappy ,guilty and confused with what was happening, this went on for years until my 15th birthday, he told mehe loved me,that he understood me,and the stuff thatwas oing on in my family at the time, he said he loved me, not my sister,that we would be together when i get a bit older,i believed him, he didnt want me wearing make up and would come in to our home and cop a feel when my sis wasnt looking, i told a girl in school and she didnt believe me,my ma and da were havin problems and would send meover to my sis to get me outta the way

i had a fight with my sister when i was 15, she told me her husband didnt want me over there anymore in their home as i was a nuisance and i told her what was happening and bascially she didnt believe me

no one in my family did, they called me a whore and liar, and they kicked me out because i wouldnt come home because they all hated me, my sis stayed with the guy for several years and had a child a year after i told what happened

i have spent nearly all my life since i told people what happened,apologising, especially my sister, as i felt i betrayed her and everyone, and i just feel like i am the biggest tramp going

but after seeing this storyline i keep hearing this word peadophile and i am thinking was it alll my fault, or was it sex abuse, its just all a mess in my head, because i have lived with the guilt and the shame of this, and went on to f*ck up my life for a good 10 years after this, while my sister just says to me "you were both as bad as each other" and i know she still hates me, i see it in her eyes

rohe

your sister went on to have a kid with this guy????

Like wtf

regardless of whether she believed your there and then surely she would have some doubt in her mind, i know if it was me i be thinking theres no moke without fire

Nevyn

I suggest you go get professional help.
http://www.oneinfour.org/

Anti

It certainly was not your fault. You were groomed and manipulated into a situation you were not able to control because of yoru age.

I cant stress enough none of this was your fault at all, and please follow Thaedydal's advice !

AARRRGH

despondent wrote: »

was it alll my fault, or was it sex abuse

You were a child, he was an adult - it was sex abuse.

As suggested by someone above, contact oneinfour.org

tbh

despondent wrote: »

Hi

but after seeing this storyline i keep hearing this word peadophile and i am thinking was it alll my fault, or was it sex abuse, its just all a mess in my head, because i have lived with the guilt and the shame of this, and went on to f*ck up my life for a good 10 years after this, while my sister just says to me "you were both as bad as each other" and i know she still hates me, i see it in her eyes

listen, you were 12 years old when this happened. 12-year olds can't vote, they can't drink or drive, they can't enter into a contract, they can't live on their own. Why? because they don't have the skills to be able to make an informed decision. Just like you didn't have the skills to give what's called informed consent to have sex with this guy. You need to be very clear about this. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And the thing is, he knows that and your sister knows that. Your sister is redirecting anger towards you because it's easier for her to deal with. That's probably because she feels guilty about not picking up on the signs and protecting you herself. And that's what needed to be done, you know? You should have been protected. Even if you went around to this guys house wearing next to nothing and practically begged him to sleep with you, he's still 100% in the wrong, and you are still 100% not to blame. I really do urge you to try to seek councilling for this, you've been exposed to behaviour that you were too young to deal with, and you need to be taught the skills necessary to enable you to move on.

in summary: it's not your fault, it's his. 100%. He stole something from you that you were in no position to protect.

LegacyUser

tbh wrote: »

listen, you were 12 years old when this happened. 12-year olds can't vote, they can't drink or drive, they can't enter into a contract, they can't live on their own. Why? because they don't have the skills to be able to make an informed decision. Just like you didn't have the skills to give what's called informed consent to have sex with this guy. You need to be very clear about this. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And the thing is, he knows that and your sister knows that. Your sister is redirecting anger towards you because it's easier for her to deal with. That's probably because she feels guilty about not picking up on the signs and protecting you herself. And that's what needed to be done, you know? You should have been protected. Even if you went around to this guys house wearing next to nothing and practically begged him to sleep with you, he's still 100% in the wrong, and you are still 100% not to blame. I really do urge you to try to seek councilling for this, you've been exposed to behaviour that you were too young to deal with, and you need to be taught the skills necessary to enable you to move on.

in summary: it's not your fault, it's his. 100%. He stole something from you that you were in no position to protect.

thank you for the reply and all the other posters

it helps put things into perspective for me,i've lived with the guilt of what i done for years and seening eastenders made me realise it may not have been my fault, i think i have become blindsighted by guilt and by the fact that my sister hates me still just feeds this guilt

i dont see what counselling would achieve, i find it hard to talk about my past at times, i'm terrified that people will judge me, and blame me for not saying no and for letting people abuse physically and emotionally for years after this, because i felt i deserved it because what i done to my sister

but again thanks your posts

tbh

despondent wrote: »

i find it hard to talk about my past at times, i'm terrified that people will judge me, and blame me for not saying no and for letting people abuse physically and emotionally for years after this, because i felt i deserved it because what i done to my sister

counselling will help you deal with these feelings, you don't deserve to have to carry this around with you for the rest of your life. but maybe you are not ready for that step yet - bear in mind that there is no time limit for getting help. it might be worth pointing out that your sisters husband may well do this again, but that's not your responsibility.

Smyth

Christ. One is really stuck for words after reading that.
I can't imagine the turmoil you've been through.
It's good that you've finally come to the realisation that this was not your fault in any way, shape or form.
Like the posters above said, seek professional help. Irish people attach a stigma to doing that very thing, but imo - it's the most healthy thing for you to do.

Good luck OP

mabsme1

I really feel u need to report this abuse to protect ur sisters child from this monster. if he has abused u god knows what he will do to his own child. think about it and if u need a contact pm me and i can try to help u.

LegacyUser

mabsme1 wrote: »

I really feel u need to report this abuse to protect ur sisters child from this monster. if he has abused u god knows what he will do to his own child. think about it and if u need a contact pm me and i can try to help u.

I reported him to the gardai,when i was 15 i made a statement and it was all for nothing,he denied it,said i had a crush on him and he rejected me and i was trying to get my own back on him, so the dpp said there was insufficent evidence

my sister had a boy after all this so i think he's safe enough, girls seem to do it for him

also thats another thing i am dreading, my nephew he's now 10 and am i dreading the next few years in the event that someone tells him what happened,because as i said my sister has a different outlook to me on what happened,she sees it that i had an affair and betrayed him and i couldnt bear it if my nephew hated me aswell, because all this created a big rift in my family, only 1 member of myfamilybelieved me and stuck by me, not literally as they kicked me outta home at 15,

Dudess

Never forget tbh's advice - any shame or guilt you feel: let go of it. You have absolutely no reason to feel that way. And as for feeling a small bit flattered because you had a crush on him at the time - again, does not reflect any hint of responsibility or consent on your part whatsoever. Abusers use crap like that to manipulate those whom they abuse... it's bullsh1t.

*adele*

Its so awful that you think it was your fault,seriously,you were DEFINITELY not one bit wrong. He completely took advantage of you being young, and its really disgusting that your sister would blame you in any way.

neuro-praxis

You are a victim of sexual abuse, and your feelings of guilt and responsibility are normal. Almost all victims end of feeling this way. However these feelings are completely wrong.

Visiting a good, compassionate psychotherapist will help to readjust your perspective so that you are able to let go of any guilt or responsibility you feel. You were a child - he was an adult. You are not to blame for this situation - he is - and you should not be apologising.

Visiting a good therapist that you can trust should help you to forgive yourself and move on with your life. These episodes of abuse often affect all areas of the victim's life - but that cycle can be broken.

Good luck pet.

AKfortyjimbob

Go see a councellor, ive done it as well. You might think itl be strange and awkward, but feels great to get stuff off your chest. I got sent to one when i was 16, and it really helped me out.

LegacyUser

thanks again to everyone for their replies

i know everyone has said its not my fault, but that niggling little voice in my head is always telling me it is my fault because i had a crush on him and in a way i wanted something to happen because i had liked him, but when it did happen i just didnt know what to do and the fact that i let it carry on, makes it worse and thats what my family says, that ok it happened but why didnt i stop it

if i went to counselling i be afraid in a sense of what i may say, because so many things have happend in my life, that i have never told people about that i'm kinda scared that they too would judge, why i made mistake after mistake if thats make sense

but i starting to come around in my head to the fact that i was the child and he was the adult, it tbh post that started me thinking, and it makes me kinda angry now with him and my family, i know its not going to get me anywhere being angry, cant help it though, i just think back to people i love not giving a s*it when it all came out and people chose their sides

sorry rant over with, thanks again everyone for the replies you have helped me alot, x

paperclip2

despondent wrote: »

thanks again to everyone for their replies

i know everyone has said its not my fault, but that niggling little voice in my head is always telling me it is my fault because i had a crush on him and in a way i wanted something to happen

Developing crushes on older men is what your body and mind is programmed to do at puberty. Its to do with the physical and psychosocial developmental stage you are at. Basically its developing an awareness of your sexuality and starting to grow into an adult person. So your crush on this scum-bag was part of growing up and perfectly normal.

What wasn't normal was his response to it. A normal, non predatory man in this situation may have been aware of it but most definitely would not have taken it further. So what happened to you was his fault, not yours. You were just growing up. He manipulated you into a situation you were not yet physically or emotionally equiped to deal with. Please get some help with this OP. It will be tough, but nothing as tough as the years you have gone through already. Take care.

beth-lou

despondent wrote: »

thanks again to everyone for their replies

i know everyone has said its not my fault, but that niggling little voice in my head is always telling me it is my fault because i had a crush on him and in a way i wanted something to happen because i had liked him, but when it did happen i just didnt know what to do and the fact that i let it carry on, makes it worse and thats what my family says, that ok it happened but why didnt i stop it

You didn't stop it because you were 12 years old! 12 YEARS OLD. You poor love, and for your family to reject you when you finally had the courage to tell them is just shameful on their part and not uncommon.

You did nothing wrong.
He did something wrong, so wrong it is criminal.
Your family did something wrong.
And your sister, deep down she knows he did something wrong but she is in denial.

You did nothing wrong. Please seek the help that you need to fully understand this. It is completely natural to feel guilt and totally understandable that you had a crush. In fact it is very common for a child to have a crush on an adult male. However it is the adults responsibility not to take advantage of that crush. Your brother in law took advantage, used and abused you and has mentally scared you for life and has affected your self esteem and your relationship with your family. My heart goes out to you. You are very brave and very strong to have kept it together for so long with little or no support from your family. It is time to heal yourself and let go.
I really hope you will seek help. All the best. x

themullet

Hey OP, I don't really know what to say to you after reading that. I'd love to be able to help you in some way but all I can do is back up the other posters. You were totally manipulated by a scumbag. You must not blame yourself. I would also agree with the other posters, in relation to seeking professional help. I think it would do you the world of good to talk to someone and let it all out. Whatever you decide, I hope you manage to leave the past in the past and look towards the future. Best of luck to ya X

bp

it is in no way your fault - if your nephew had a crush on a 25 year old woman and she slept with him it would not be his fault.

the bad judgements you made in later life were because of this trauma, and it would be good to talk these things through with someone who wont judge you, and then you will be able to see that it wasn't your fault - none of it!

shame on your parents and family. I would go back to the police and reopen the file if I were you - ten years ago this topic was more taboo - what if he is doing it to another girl who hasn't hit puberty yet.

My heart goes out to you - you have taken the first step, and in time you will come to realise that none of this is your fault. Remember that

Jack Sheehan

None of this is in any way you're fault, in fact you seem to be just about the only blameless person in this whole situation. I would advise getting help about this from the organisation listed above and most of all remember, you were the wronged party here, there is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.