workplace flirting...or not

LegacyUser

I’ve had a bit of a flirtation with a colleague. It’s been ongoing for over a year now, primarily on email and the phone, sometimes he texts me as well. We just act friendly when we see each other in person.

I was never sure if he was married/attached as he doesn’t wear a ring and never mentioned or implied anything. To me it was just harmless so I didn’t see the need in finding out his story.

Lately he’s been a bit more forward. We were joking a few weeks back about how he’s been tough to pin down on the phone, to which he responded that he hasn’t been avoiding me and he loves to hear my voice. I joked back that he probably hears it when I’m not there, to which he responded “mostly when I’m lying in bed”.

So that was a bit further than previous flirting. And I should note that I randomly found out that he is in fact married with kids. So I’ve cooled it the past few weeks and kept things friendly but nothing more. Basically acted with respect for his marriage.

He emailed me this morning while he was in a meeting, initially about a project we are working on. We exchanged a few messages and it slipped back to more-friendly conversation, but not quite flirting. Basically he asked how it was going with a guy I was seeing, to which I responded that it had ended. He then wrote “I swear if I weren’t married with three kids…….” I responded that he should remember that and stop being such a flirt. It’s the first time that either of us has outright called it what it is. He responded “Flirt? I wouldn’t know how…..”.

I’m starting to feel a bit silly now. He has been clearly flirting in my opinion. But I’d feel ridiculous to have written something like that, if indeed he’s not flirting from his point of view. Is there any damage control possible now…is it even necessary? We’re supposed to have a conference call this afternoon and I’m not looking forward to it. On the one hand I think it's just that I called him out on his behaviour and he may be a bit remorseful now…on the other hand I worry that I made an ass of myself.

Thoughts? Consolations? Commiserations?

Miss Fluff

You're taking his statement "Flirt? I wouldn't know how...." completely literally. It wasn't meant that he doesn't know how to flirt, it's pretty evident he does (albeit in a sleazy desperate middle-aged smug married sort of way)

He's sending you a curve call in the hope that you will acknowledge that you have both actually been flirting. On basis of acknowledgment he would then hope to take it to the next level. Ignore what he said in his email and just don't flirt with him again. He's looking for a bit on the side so if you don't want to be his mistress or end up sleeping with him then I'd nip this in the bud now. Even making reference to his retort would fan the flames imo.....and he'd love that

AngryBadger

I wouldn't bother bringing it up again OP.

Regardless of whether he thinks this is appropriate flirting or not, the point is that YOU obviously don't think it's appropriate when he's married and has 3 kids.

I suggest playing it cool, be courteous, I mean ye do have to work together, but don't be drawn by any comments he makes, if he feels unhappy about that let him be the one to have to broach the topic.

Suzyq

He definitely knows what game he's playing and he's definitely stringing you along.

If you're not into it then stop flattering his ego by reacting and it'll cool off very quickly

Pipette

Suzyq wrote: »

He definitely knows what game he's playing and he's definitely stringing you along.

If you're not into it then stop flattering his ego by reacting and it'll cool off very quickly

yea i hav to agree..hes bored in work and you are a nice distraction!If you stop the flirting he'll lose interest fairly sharpish. Dont mention the email again just forget the whole thing and just act civil

dan_d

Your initial reaction was right, he's just stringing you along now.He knows full well what he's doing. Leave him at it, and don't react.

tinkerbell

The whole "flirt? I wouldn't know how to flirt" comment from that guy was just a joke - he knows full well what he is doing. You seem to be uncomfortable with the whole thing so just play it cool and he'll get the message. When you have to email him, don't engage in banter, keep it professional - email him the way you'd email your manager / anybody else who is your superior.

And don't recognise his flirting either, don't mention it at all - just ignore it completely. You calling him a flirt will probably add fuel to the fire.

anniehoo

Stay away!!! Married with 3 kids...what a recipe for disaster!If you dont respond to his flirting then he'll soon get bored and move on.;) Ive seen loads of married men at this craic lately, it shocks me tbh as i know theres not a cats hell in chance theyd leave their family for their "bit on the side"!

oulu

Been there done it,for your sake stay away before you fall for him and do something that could have a lasting effect on not only your life but many more. You where also flirting and you enjoyed it.My warning is most men will throw their leg over anything,but then again he might really like you.If that is the case then run for the hills.

SnowMonkey

maddening wrote: »

“I swear if I weren’t married with three kids…….” I responded that he should remember that and stop being such a flirt. It’s the first time that either of us has outright called it what it is. He responded “Flirt? I wouldn’t know how…..”.

that my dear is a sarcasim..

dump it hel email you within a week being flirty again.....garinted

MugMugs

Run Away !!!!

Cool it.... Kill it do whatever..

Married is married and thats forbidden and on top of that he is probably enjoying the ego massage.... Silly man...

Just keep the tone professional and dont respond to an intimated flirt. He will get the hint.

MagicMarker

Why is it not ok for him to flirt when married but it's ok for you to flirt when you were seeing the other guy?

tbh

you did the right thing, OP, fair play. He's treating you with zero respect, if it were me (or my sister) i'd be telling him to leave you alone and telling him that you'll let his wife judge if he's flirting or not.

MugMugs

MagicMarker wrote: »

Why is it not ok for him to flirt when married but it's ok for you to flirt when you were seeing the other guy?

Is this not based around the fact that he is attempting (by zee looks of it) to further the flirting a bit more.....

Seems to me thats what his at. He is pushing it to the "next level" and that isnt cool when married.

Flirting is fine.....

It is a natural instinct built into everybody. You flirt with the bus driver in the morning, or the coffee lady or whoever..... but pushing it further when already taken and that is secured with kids is just NO NO NO

LegacyUser

MugMugs wrote: »

Is this not based around the fact that he is attempting (by zee looks of it) to further the flirting a bit more.....

Seems to me thats what his at. He is pushing it to the "next level" and that isnt cool when married.

Flirting is fine.....

It is a natural instinct built into everybody. You flirt with the bus driver in the morning, or the coffee lady or whoever..... but pushing it further when already taken and that is secured with kids is just NO NO NO

Exactly...he said that he thought of me when lying in bed at night. Erm, presumably with his wife next to him and his three kids down the hall. I recognise that there's harmless flirting. I flirt with the old guy down in the cafe who tells me he's going to take me dancing. This was one step from openly suggestive in my opinion.

This isn't my judgement call on him; this isn’t me saying it’s not ok for him to flirt. He could be in an open marriage for all I know...his wife could be openly sleeping with the postman...they both could be looking for a threesome. I called him on it because I'M not ok with suggestive behaviour like that from a married guy. It's not my thing, it's not something I would be ok with knowing my partner was doing, and it's not something I'm going to participate in. I just felt a bit daft after second thinking our final messages to each other and wanted some outside perspectives. And he never did phone for our conference call either, so still no word since lunch yesterday.

Dave!

Just move on OP. Nothing you can do really. No harm done, but call it quits now before it gets any further and ends up damaging a marriage/family.

I don't think you made a fool of yourself, but once you found out he was married you shouldn't have induldged him any futher.

Just get back to business and cut out the flirting is my advice!