I wish I could stop feeling like this

LegacyUser

firstly, this is a stream of consciousness that doesnt make much sense to me, nevermind ye! sorry i think i just need to let it out.

i get into these states, where evrything seems so terrible (its really not that bad) and nothing will make me feel better until i eventually snap out of it again, unconsciously i suppose.

i miss my boyfriend (he's in another city) and that starts it a lot. also i get quite envious of his life, as such.his life at college. my college life so far has been far from perfect-ive never lived with students (not by choice) and a lot of my friends would be down with him. i get down a lot but i find myself living for the visits down, and not making the most of my own college life.

this is such a mess. i know this year will be different-ill be living with a friend and thats gonna make all the difference i know. so thats not really the problem. not a rational problem anyway.

the problem is these fcuking episodes i get myself into. i cry, cant stop crying, think the world is falling around me, just cos im missing some night out down with them, or im stuck at home when everyone else is out. (im at home now still im moving back up to college tomorrow). so i suppose its just im sick of being at home too.

the last two years were lonely enough, with him not being there and not having a huge pile of friends near me. (i did have a good few, but they were far away and it was hard to see them) this is the last two years in college now. yes sorry i know its very confusing cos im not saying the names of the towns.

so i suppose the whole lonliness thing was a big factor. but then it seems like i find a reason for these episodes and something totally different triggers one off. i got kinda in control of them there for a while. i think they are coming back now because im lonely and want to get back to college and theres literally not a sinner left in my hometown.

i know i know i know its all so stupid-i have my health, my family (not without there problems but anyway) and a wonderful boyf and friends. things just get me down.

things like being away from him, falling out with friends or mum, feeling lonely,they just get me so down. i would give anything to be able to handle things better.

thing is, im not like this all of the time. not even most of the time. it happens the odd time.but when it happens (the crying etc, feeling down) its quite hard to shift. but then again, i kinda learned how to control it there for a while-things didnt get to me half as much, i was actually quite proud of myself.

a lot of it has t do with thinking negatively. at times like this, my negative thinking knows no bounds. nothings good, nothing is right, nothing will ever be good.. you get the drift.

i talk to my boyfriend about it the whole time and have talked to others about it. they reckon i need to put more of an effort into being happy. maybe there right. at times i can be so content. a good 70 per cent of the time,actually. i thought i might be depressed but the thing is, i dont think i am, because i can and have snapped out of it (very hard tho) and it doesnt happen that often.

i dont really know what else to say. theres loads ive left out. i get in moods and get angry too. mostly at home and with the boyf-people v close to me. i try though. i do try. maybe not hard enough..
i just want to be happy. i was, back in the day.i want the sad parts and the moods to be manageable,at least.

i dont know if i even want advice. maybe some empathy or similar experiences.

ps. i know i come across a bit (a lot) dramatic. my life is actually not that bad.

thanks

K-Bowie

You should go out with your college friends and have a good time, don't worry what else is going on concentrate on yourself I know I felt like that when I moved back to Ireland for Uni (Lived in the UK since the age of 4) and I used to get pritty depressed about what was going on and not being part of it but I made time and made some good friends and went out having great fun.

LegacyUser

yeah i feel a lot more optimistic now. i went out there with a mate and we had a laugh. i know i can control it so ill just have to try extra hard. this year will be different anyway i know it will. cheers for the reply, helped a lot.