Some help please...crisis point...depression relapse

LegacyUser

Ok, so I'm in the absolute depths here, so much so that I can barely even think straight. Truth be told I'm a bit hysterical, so I may not make complete sense.

21, suffered from major depression since the onset of teen-hood, but avoided treatment up until just after failing my leaving cert, which I failed due to the untreated depression, not because I didn't bother my arse studying. My parents allowed me to repeat, costing approximately 5k in the institute, and eventually I got enough points to get accepted into my Journalism course. Now having received word that I've failed first year (for the second time, which has so far cost my parents a further 6k in fees and repeats) I've decided that I cant continue with the course...I just cant handle college until I get my depression seen to. I've always harboured a passion for writing, but writing when I'm severely depressed is virtually impossible. I cant even speak, let alone write.

I feel like a failure, and that I've let my mother and father down.

My only other interest is design, so I'm going to take three years out to get the depression under control and then return as a mature student into a Graphic Design course for which I wont need the points to gain entry. What kind of well paying jobs are available for those lacking a degree, but plan on returning to education in the future?

Now the guilt from the amount of my parents money that's been wasted is eating away at me and has hurled me into another bout of depression. I sat down and talked to them about it and they said its ok, but I'm still depressed...the stress must have triggered something. I've lost two stone in the past month and I'm virtually unrecognisable...blood tests come back fine, sleep tests show everything is above board...

What worries me is that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. I've been to therapy and tried various different SSRI's, SNRI's, MAOIs and Tricylic anti-depressants all not no avail. I've made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow to get a referral back to the psychiatrists, but I'm terrified they wont be able to help me with my refractory depression.

I'm in an extremely dark and difficult place at the moment. The depression is so severe that my co-ordination is off, I'm off balance, I cant work, I cant communicate and I've withdrawn from friends and turned into a complete introvert. Even when my depression was present in my teenage years I was always outgoing and loved nothing more than the company of others, yet now I cant even bring myself to talk to my family. Its not that I ignore them, I just cant concentrate at all...its at the point now where my relationship with my younger brother is virtually non existent because I cant communicate, and it kills me because I love him to death yet I know deep down in his heart he has no emotional connection to me whatsoever because I'm like a ghost.

I want to get over this now. I will not 'live' the rest of my life in this perpetual anguish...but I have no idea how to escape. I have many, many goals I wish to achieve in life, none of which can be accomplished in this state...anyone had any experience with treatment resistant depression? What can they do for you?

Appreciate the read.

JuliusCaesar

Monumental Cold wrote: »

21, suffered from major depression since the onset of teen-hood, but avoided treatment up until just after failing my leaving cert, which I failed due to the untreated depression,
I've failed first year (for the second time, which has so far cost my parents a further 6k in fees and repeats)
I just cant handle college until I get my depression seen to. I've always harboured a passion for writing, but writing when I'm severely depressed is virtually impossible. I cant even speak, let alone write.

I feel like a failure, and that I've let my mother and father down.

My only other interest is design, so I'm going to take three years out to get the depression under control and then return as a mature student into a Graphic Design course for which I wont need the points to gain entry. What kind of well paying jobs are available for those lacking a degree, but plan on returning to education in the future?

Now the guilt from the amount of my parents money that's been wasted is eating away at me

What worries me is that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life.

I've been to therapy and tried various different SSRI's, SNRI's, MAOIs and Tricylic anti-depressants all not no avail. I've made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow to get a referral back to the psychiatrists, but I'm terrified they wont be able to help me with my refractory depression.

I'm in an extremely dark and difficult place at the moment. The depression is so severe that my co-ordination is off, I'm off balance, I cant work, I cant communicate and I've withdrawn from friends and turned into a complete introvert. Even when my depression was present in my teenage years I was always outgoing and loved nothing more than the company of others, yet now I cant even bring myself to talk to my family. Its not that I ignore them, I just cant concentrate at all...its at the point now where my relationship with my younger brother is virtually non existent because I cant communicate, and it kills me because I love him to death yet I know deep down in his heart he has no emotional connection to me whatsoever because I'm like a ghost.

I want to get over this now. I will not 'live' the rest of my life in this perpetual anguish...but I have no idea how to escape. I have many, many goals I wish to achieve in life, none of which can be accomplished in this state...anyone had any experience with treatment resistant depression? What can they do for you?
.

The fact that you have posted this shows that no matter how badly you feel, you do still have some energy and motivation to try to help yourself. It may not be a lot, but you are going to the GP, so fair dues to you.

What kind of therapy did you have? CBT and specifically a variation know as Behavioural Activation is recommended for severe and unremitting depression.

The other thing is that you are beating yourself up about something that your parents are ok about. So Stop. There's no need for guilt if the aggrieved person exonerates you!

Isolation will make things worse. Even small, trite interactions with other people count in the long run, just to keep your hand in. It doesn't matter if you exchange comments on the weather with the shop assistant in your local spar, it keeps you in touch with people. (We don't generally spend most of our conversations talking aobut Important Issues, anyway)

You will not be like this for the rest of your life, because with your determination and the right help, you will go many places.....
HTH

Karen_*

I don't have any experience of the depression you're describing but I just wanted to post to say stop being so hard on yourself. Take some deep breaths and try to look at things in perspective.

The course you were doing wasn't for you and you tried twice. Its just not for you, thats not a failure. Your parents love you. They said its ok about the money and it is ok. They'd rather see you happy. So please stop feeling so guilty you've no need to. You are not the only person to have chosen the wrong course, thousands have been there. Its fixable. You already have some idea of what you can do.

You say you WILL not spend your life in anguish. Thats a really positive thing to say. And your attitude will stand to you.

You're working yourself up into an awful state there. You WILL be ok. Things happen for a reason. You're probably going to do great at design and be thrilled you chose it. And in the meantime take it easy. You've not been well and under loads of pressure. Give yourself a chance.

LegacyUser

Monumental Cold wrote: »

Ok, so I'm in the absolute depths here, so much so that I can barely even think straight. Truth be told I'm a bit hysterical, so I may not make complete sense.

21, suffered from major depression since the onset of teen-hood, but avoided treatment up until just after failing my leaving cert, which I failed due to the untreated depression, not because I didn't bother my arse studying. My parents allowed me to repeat, costing approximately 5k in the institute, and eventually I got enough points to get accepted into my Journalism course. Now having received word that I've failed first year (for the second time, which has so far cost my parents a further 6k in fees and repeats) I've decided that I cant continue with the course...I just cant handle college until I get my depression seen to. I've always harboured a passion for writing, but writing when I'm severely depressed is virtually impossible. I cant even speak, let alone write.

I feel like a failure, and that I've let my mother and father down.

My only other interest is design, so I'm going to take three years out to get the depression under control and then return as a mature student into a Graphic Design course for which I wont need the points to gain entry. What kind of well paying jobs are available for those lacking a degree, but plan on returning to education in the future?

Now the guilt from the amount of my parents money that's been wasted is eating away at me and has hurled me into another bout of depression. I sat down and talked to them about it and they said its ok, but I'm still depressed...the stress must have triggered something. I've lost two stone in the past month and I'm virtually unrecognisable...blood tests come back fine, sleep tests show everything is above board...

What worries me is that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. I've been to therapy and tried various different SSRI's, SNRI's, MAOIs and Tricylic anti-depressants all not no avail. I've made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow to get a referral back to the psychiatrists, but I'm terrified they wont be able to help me with my refractory depression.

I'm in an extremely dark and difficult place at the moment. The depression is so severe that my co-ordination is off, I'm off balance, I cant work, I cant communicate and I've withdrawn from friends and turned into a complete introvert. Even when my depression was present in my teenage years I was always outgoing and loved nothing more than the company of others, yet now I cant even bring myself to talk to my family. Its not that I ignore them, I just cant concentrate at all...its at the point now where my relationship with my younger brother is virtually non existent because I cant communicate, and it kills me because I love him to death yet I know deep down in his heart he has no emotional connection to me whatsoever because I'm like a ghost.

I want to get over this now. I will not 'live' the rest of my life in this perpetual anguish...but I have no idea how to escape. I have many, many goals I wish to achieve in life, none of which can be accomplished in this state...anyone had any experience with treatment resistant depression? What can they do for you?

Appreciate the read.

I don't usually post to these boards, but I just wanted to quote something silly and cliched, but so fundamentally true, to you - "This Too Shall Pass"

I've been through my own issues, depression being one of them, and I have come above and beyond them to the point where who I was when I was in the depths of despair seems like a different person to who I am today.

You just have to find the best way out of this for you. What worked for me ultimately was psychoanalysis. I found having a complete stranger to confide in, to break down with, to get to the root of my problem, was very therapeutic, and maybe this might be something to consider?

You love to write - this is something that might be useful too. Do you keep a diary? Sometimes it's good to throw it all down on paper, it can help you to get some of it out of your system.

The main thing I want to say is, keep plugging at it until you get a breakthrough, because you WILL get through this. You will get through it and life will be so much better than you ever imagined because you know how dark a place depression is. You are clearly really intelligent and articulate - use that to get yourself through this.

Wishing you the very best.

AMK

Please, please stop beating yourself up over your parents money. If they say it's OK, they mean it. If it's the case that you feel they they couldn't really afford it you are probably focusing on that and feeling that you wasted it. I am a parent, the mother of a 23 year old and I can tell you for a fact that your parents would not begrudge you a penny of it. They will see it for what it is, something they could do for you to help you on your path in life. If the path turns out to be different than the one you and they thought it would be that's OK too, the money is part of what it took to make that clear.

wexford1

I had depression first when I was your age. Recovery group meetings helped me greatly. predispose yourself that the management of your symptons is going to take time and effort and stick with it. Nobody would pop a pill once and expect it to relieve them of symptons for the rest of their life. Similarly a couple of therapy sessions isn't either. it will take months to bring about the change in thinking/behavior that lead to these illnesses. You are young with a life ahead of you, abit of effort now will be priceless to you in the future if you can avoid relapse. Recovery is the long term solution to the problems you mentioned. If you go do not be put off by its simplicity. If you want to gain control of the big things in your life you must first gain control of the small everyday things.

http://www.recovery-inc-ireland.ie/meetings4print.htm

http://www.recovery-inc.com/

never blame yourself for your illness "It happened by chance and not by choice" (A recovery quote)