crap marriage

miserable

my marriage is a joke!been married a few years and without fail every year it gets worse.In the last two years my husband and myself have been intimate five times!any time i try to initiate anything he claims ill health,too tired or just starts a row to get rid of me.Iwould give him the benifit of having a low sex drive bar the fact that he j**ks off for ireland.In fact every month without fail i find porn.The better i track it the more lengths he goes to hide it.Since that was one of the conditions of our marriage im even more disallusioned.dont get me wrong-im sooooo not a prude.Im up for anything-within reason!

But why oh why does this guy stayed married to me when every day he proves how little he cares about me?Ive always had a high sex drive but i was never pushy about it,any time he ever wanted it i would always oblige!no matter how bad it was i always faked it brilliantly.in case your wondering..im not ugly,was pretty chubby after a year of rejection but its falling off me,im fairly fit,working even harder on that.the hub has absolutely no interest -i may as well be dead to the guy.We have three kids ,he never helps in any way with anything to do with them unless i nag(dont like nagging so i do everything myself).

In front of others he plays good father loving husband at home we just get shouted at and continously put down.I cant describe how miserable it is,but last year when i suggested breaking up he suggested breaking my face. the absolute weirdest thing about this situation is he is constantly telling me how good i have it! I try to play the stepford wife just to stop the grief but its getting harder every day!what really kills me is-we dont have a morgage ,were renting.Hes in dept up to his eyeballs so i couldnt screw him for alimony!Ive told him a million times that if he left i would be well able to manage on my own without him and i wouldnt want bloody alimony.So what the hell is his problem?he doesnt love me,he isnt attracted to me,he barely spends any time with his kids .....why does he stick around?wouldnt a bachalor pad be better?where he could play with himself in peace ?
Were in our thirties,we both have good chances of meeting better suited people so why does he want this to go on?for the record ive never cheated even though ive gotten lucky five times in the last two years...but its getting harder not to consider it-just because it might be the only thing to get him out of my life.dont think my conscience would ever let me do that though!on the other hand my husband has no moral fibre whatsoever-if his lips move he is lying.i dont know if hes cheated-wouldnt surprise me though!he works shifts and if he went out at night and came back at usual time in the morning i would have no way of knowing-and to be honest i dont care anymore.
I dont know what to do(ive tried talking! for years now)there is no way that he will ever stop being a bully and there is no way i can keep faking this relationship just to make him happy.i can honestly say at this point im afraid i will punch his lights out,and im a pacifist so thats saying alot!for the record he is the kind of person who has an excuse for everything he ever does, so nothing he ever does is ever his fault(according to him)so dont bother suggesting marriage councelling-he has said before he will never go!any advice will be appreciated!any explainations for this behavior will be more so!

Wurly

Good god OP. Why are you putting up with this? Surely you deserve better.

Do you love your husband any more? Do you find him sexually attractive? If so, would you consider marraige counselling?

If not, then you need to get out. Your self esteem will be in bits. You deserve to be loved and cherished. You deserve a sex life.

Your children deserve to be in a happy household. You don't want them having issues when they're older because of the fights they have witnessed between mam and dad. And even if you don't do it in front of them - kids aren't stupid.

Stop trying to get a reaction out of him by threatening to leave. Just go. You won't get him breaking down in tears apologising and begging you to stay. He never did it before.

I would very much doubt that he is just masturbating.... He probably is cheating as you suspect.

You do everything in the house - he wants for nothing - why would he leave when you make it so easy for him? He has a great deal here and doesn't have to lift a finger..

I'm interested to hear your thoughts on what i've said...

Lastly, my heart goes out to you. This is horrible. But you only get one life and this shouldn't be how you sepnd yours. If I was your friend in the same situation, what would you tell me to do?

mad m

miserable wrote: »

and to be honest i dont care anymore.

You have answered your own question.....Get out while you can, this rant is probably the push you need.

How old are the kids.....

Ainekav

miserable wrote: »

But why oh why does this guy stayed married to me when every day he proves how little he cares about me?

II cant describe how miserable it is,but last year when i suggested breaking up he suggested breaking my face.

So what the hell is his problem?he doesnt love me,he isnt attracted to me,he barely spends any time with his kids .....why does he stick around?wouldnt a bachalor pad be better?where he could play with himself in peace ?

OP, why are YOU sticking around? Thats the question!!! GEt out! as fast as you can.seriously! you deserve better than this dickhead



ps.how the hell does the quote thing work??!

Aard

OP, you keep asking, "Why does he stick around?" I think the question you should be asking is why do *you* stick around?

who007

He probably sees you as a "mother" rather than an object of lust and if there's anything he wanted to try sexually that you turned down or refused he prob has a bit of a hang up about it cos there's the conflicting thing in his head that is saying yes I want her but no I don't cos I am fed up not gettin the sex I want, only what she wants.. which has led to resentment against you. I'd advise you to get him to open up about what he likes in the porn and tryin some of it out and without any strings attached.. bring things back to just pure fun and desire for each other and enjoyment of each other's bodies... If I'm wrong about the bacjground or that doesn't work - then it beats the hell outta me! You should prob split for your kids' sake (In MY OPINION ONLY!)

Nerin

Simplestr answers the one-leave,now.

Smyth

Tri wrote: »

Post reported. Ian Curtis, will you ever learn??:rolleyes:

Pray tell, what is the point in that? He's voicing his opinion on the matter.
Get off your high horse.

Anti

Your so unhappy. Yet your still there.

Just because this is catholic ireland dosen't mean you have to stick around. By the soudns of it neither of you want to be in this relationship. Get out now, and do it fast.

Marksie

Smyth: If you have a problem with a post report it.

Iancurtis: Once again you come into PI to flame, Infracted, anymore and i will ban you completely

Screaming Eagle

IanCurtis wrote: »

"For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health"

Do these words ring a bell?

Remember that day you wore the expensive dress and had the big party?

Did you stop to think what those vows mean? You remember those words you SWORE on the bible and to your family and friends you would stick to?

FFS

:rolleyes:

I agree with you Ian. Sadly 90% of people getting married never really know what they are doing. We live in a throw away society.

OP, Sounds like you should pack up and leave.

Nevyn

miserable you are responsible for your own happiness.
You are both responsible for your relationship and if you are not working together for the same goals and for the betterment of the family while keeping in mine each other's happiness then the relationship is not working.
You can't make him change how things are or his behaviour unless he wants to and seems he doesn't.

It's hard when people don't know what is going on, that is a type of control so to other's it seem that the marriage is good so that when you start looking and making changes you are the bad person, you are breaking up the marriage and the family that looks so good on the outside to others.

Start by confidining in friends and family about how unhappy you are, look for help and support. Life is too short to drink bad wine. IF he will commitee and actually follow through with marriage counselling then fine, if not the you need to look at mediation to seperate.

Why would he leave he has his life set up the way he wants it, if he moved out he would have to cook, shop, clean, wash his own dirty underwear and end up living in surroundings which are not as nice. Sounds like he is happy to have you as a housekeeper as he is not treating you as a loving husband should treat his wife.

TheBigLebowski

Tri wrote: »

Post reported. Ian Curtis, will you ever learn??:rolleyes:

Thankfully I have Mr Curtis on my ignore list for trolling. I suggest others should do same as it is all he seems to do...

Nevyn

TheBigLebowski that post is off topic and unhelpful to the op which can get you banned from this forum.

seahorse

OP, all I can say is every horrible moment you accept from him is one you'll never get back. That is not to even mention the environment you are allowing your kids to be raised in, the lessons they are learning about how to conduct relationships in their own adulthoods and the litany of memories they'll never be able to erase. I know this may sound harsh and I'm sorry for that, but if your life or their lives mean anything to you at all, for Gods sake get out of there.

Wurly

Smyth wrote: »

Pray tell, what is the point in that? He's voicing his opinion on the matter.
Get off your high horse.

Read back on previous posts concerning this user before telling me to get off any horse. Perhaps a read of the charter would serve you well?

It was neither a helpful nor a constructive comment the the OP.

The majority of the posters here feel that the OP should leave her husband. OP, having read through the responses, how do you feel now? Have you gained any further perspective on the situation?

Wurly

Screaming Eagle wrote: »

I agree with you Ian. Sadly 90% of people getting married never really know what they are doing. We live in a throw away society.

OP, Sounds like you should pack up and leave.

Why oh why would someone be expected to stay in a marraige like this?? He does absolutely nothing, she has no sex life, he says if she leaves that he'l break her face, her children are growing up in a potentially volatile environment.

Come on, would you stay in a marraige like that? It's got nothing to do with a throw away society. Some marraiges just don't work. Does that mean that you have to stay in it and be unhappy for the rest of your life?

gman086

whats that coming over the hill, is it a monster is it a monster

gamer

why does he stick round?HE has somewhere to live,some1 to cook clean, wash,do housework, he has no money, wheres he gonna go?i,ve seen loadsa lads ,go off and have kids,then wake up, they dont love their wife,but they stay,they CANNOT AFFORD to separate,separation,divorce is a financial disaster for a man,you can go to FLAC,advice center if you wanna separate.Ipresume you knew he had no money when you got married,sounds like there is no love,emotion between you,so its up to you,do you wanna separate from him, do you feel ANY love 4 him?is your marriage just a convenience.
we do have divorce now,but i see no point in divorcing a bloke who has no finacial assets,ie in dept unless you like giving money to rich lawyers.

Nevyn

gman086 banned.

Nevyn

Divorce takes years to happen legal seperation takes two.
IF he is not willing to work at the realtionship, is abusive then why on earth would anyone want to share a house with him, esp as he is making a mockery of it being a home.

miserable

thank you all for the feedback and yes i will leave him.ive always taken care of myself and will continue to do so.i spend nothing on myself and shop for kids clothing in pennys...so pretty well he hasnt been coughen up loads to take care of us-in fact i would say with him just paying child support he would be financially better off!
fear of him making my life even more miserable has been the only reason i lasted this long.but i have no intention of breaking him financially or making a fool of him.im determined to have a bit of cash put aside so he can walk out to new accomadation and get himself the life he needs.
this may take a few months to work-but it seems the only way .i just feel like a fool for giving him so many second chances and putting up with so much crap!no i dont love him anymore,ive tried to but cant trust him-cant love him.good news is that our civil marriage cost less than 200 euro for everything and i have three wonderful kids .so it wasnt a complete loss!

Screaming Eagle

miserable wrote: »

thank you all for the feedback and yes i will leave him.ive always taken care of myself and will continue to do so.i spend nothing on myself and shop for kids clothing in pennys...so pretty well he hasnt been coughen up loads to take care of us-in fact i would say with him just paying child support he would be financially better off!
fear of him making my life even more miserable has been the only reason i lasted this long.but i have no intention of breaking him financially or making a fool of him.im determined to have a bit of cash put aside so he can walk out to new accomadation and get himself the life he needs.
this may take a few months to work-but it seems the only way .i just feel like a fool for giving him so many second chances and putting up with so much crap!no i dont love him anymore,ive tried to but cant trust him-cant love him.good news is that our civil marriage cost less than 200 euro for everything and i have three wonderful kids .so it wasnt a complete loss!

It is the right course to take. Good Luck with it all. There will be bad times but there will be good times ahead too.

Nevyn

Screaming Eagle banned for one week.

kelle

miserable wrote: »

thank you all for the feedback and yes i will leave him.ive always taken care of myself and will continue to do so.i spend nothing on myself and shop for kids clothing in pennys...so pretty well he hasnt been coughen up loads to take care of us-in fact i would say with him just paying child support he would be financially better off!
fear of him making my life even more miserable has been the only reason i lasted this long.but i have no intention of breaking him financially or making a fool of him.im determined to have a bit of cash put aside so he can walk out to new accomadation and get himself the life he needs.
this may take a few months to work-but it seems the only way .i just feel like a fool for giving him so many second chances and putting up with so much crap!no i dont love him anymore,ive tried to but cant trust him-cant love him.good news is that our civil marriage cost less than 200 euro for everything and i have three wonderful kids .so it wasnt a complete loss!

You have nothing to lose by having him out of your life. In fact, you'll have one less "child" to look after, and you will feel less stressed and deflated.
Best of luck OP.

fionaincork

miserable
I have been where you are. Its hard now to think why I did not make the break earlier. Only you can know when you have had enough and are ready to throw in the towel. Only you know what your marriage means to you.
Once you are sure that there is no other option, no other road open to you and your kids - you will do what you need to do to make things better. It all seems daunting and some days it seems easier not to rock the boat - to carry on. But this situation is draining you - thats not good for you or your kids. Get yourself to a place where you are putting your energy into the things that are important to you and that you enjoy - the difference in your life will amaze you. And it may or may not include your H.
Do you have support in family / friends. Its amazing how many people are not shocked when you finally tell them that things are pretty miserable.
I'm not telling you to leave him. I'm not telling you to stay.
But you dont' want ot look back on your life and see only the situation you have today. that will scar you and your kids.
Best of luck

miserable

thank you all.its been terrible but it will be over soon.he hasnt left house yet but instead has been threatening custody,kick me out of our rental-whats that about?and giving me dogs abuse-but that was pretty normal so i didnt care too much!i see there is light at the end of the tunnel and this will be over soon(hopefully)he is seenig a lawyer today who will hopefully tell him to cop on.i told him i dont want any maintenence but he wants to drag this through courts and all!thanks for all your help-its helped me keep my sanity

SpookyDoll

OP, I wouldn't waste one further minute wondering why he does anything he does at all. Why, why, why -its all irrelevant. Dont delay a second longer. You're never getting answers and Mr Right could be lost if you delay any further.

Sounds like you are casting your pearls before swine if you get me.

Dont waste another minute on this loser, get rid of him, theres more to life than alimony, dont matter, hes up to his loser knackers in debt anyway so hes no good to ya there either. Best make a fresh start without him, you sound like you have your head screwed on right, you'll have no problem, it'll be a relief, bigtime, believe me!

He's got nothing to reccomend him, life doesn't have to be this way.

Why waste time wondering why he clings on, who cares why?

Hes a loser, jib it.

TheBigFella

Ainekav wrote: »

ps.how the hell does the quote thing work??!

Delete the parts you do not want to quote leaving the rest. Y ou must also leave in the parts in the brackets at the beginning and the end

SpookyDoll

im determined to have a bit of cash put aside so he can walk out to new accomadation and get himself the life he needs.

Eh OP, why would you bother funding this?

Let him sort his own accommodation out, dont waste your money on him, he isnt your responsibility. You've gotta harden up girl.

The Lawyer is gonna laugh at him by the way so dont mind all his noise about custody, hes not got a cat in hells chance.

John Mason

so why are you still with him

miserable

you wont believe it but there may be an end in sight.i finally ended it before christmas for good.when he tried charm,trickery and threats i stood firm.bad news is.........when i finally told a councellor the FULL DETAILS of how truelly shocking the marriage was i got warned.she wasnt trying to scare me just tell me what could happen if i dont cave in to this bully.i could be killed..thats just because his behavior is escalating.the fear that after all these years of hiding all his secrets ie. the alcoholism for one!-that now after being a good dog and doing what i was told,and always being faithful,now after putting up with that torture for years...this is what i can look forward to!by the way the being faithful wasnt torture,thats just who i am:)
to finally put the icing on the cake- his family are wailing on how the marriage should be saved!so he feels its right to threaten me with violence intimidation etc.im not taking him for alimony or child support all i want is my freedom and to live without fear.on the other hand hes heading off to a single life with no expenses,no morgage,two cars and a small oat.i even said he could see the kids whenever he wanted,whenever suited him.since he never had a whole lot of interest in them when he didnt have other people around to convince of what a great dad he was-im not expecting that to last anyway.
hes still giving me the option that if i go back to being a good dog and apologise for ever dreaming of escape that things can go back the way they were.wow how nice of him.if he ever sees this he will problably kill me but you know what-at least i will have died free!ok maybe not kill me...he may try to kill to kill me.like all his dreams of how smart he is, his ideas of how strong and fit he is are also make believe.
i have to admit im pretty angry now,i spent last night with a chair propped under the door so he couldnt try to catch me unawares.whats the problem?im sure he can bully some other woman into being his slave why cant he just give up on putting me down? ive been advised to avoid any confrontations in case he goes off the rails.but since im hiding in the bedroom most of the time theres no fear of that!this has been a bit of an eye opener for me-i always thought he had some kind of human decency and cared for his kids.but the more this goes on the more i realise that i was only seeing what i hoped was really there not the truth.oh well.i supose im learning this the hard way.

beth-lou

Have you sought legal advice?
All threats to your safety should be kept on record and made to the Gardai.
Also you should start legal proceedings to have him removed from the property or make arrangements to get out yourself. By the sound of your post he is going nowhere and you need to put your safety and that of your kids first. Do not expect him to just tow the line because you asked him to leave. It sounds as though he is going to make this very hard for you so you need to get advice fast.
Well done for taking the first step to a happier life.

G&T

Congrat's for being so brave,
think you should look into getting a barring order
against him,you have to protect yourself and the kid's.

Look after yourself.

BIRDCAGE1

The best thing you could do for yourself and your kids is to just get out of the house, maybe when he's in work some night or something, I doubt very much that you would want to remain living in the same house where you felt so rotten and miserable, even if your (soon to be ex) husband wasn't there anymore.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Good Jeebus... sounds like you're getting out just in time! Maybe have a talk to the local gardai, just so they know of the situation, and that if a report is made they'll know its more serious than a regular domestic.

Just mind yourself and your kids, this chap sounds like bad bad news.

beertons

Yeah, well done for being so brave.

Call the gardai and make reports on all these threats asap including how you feel you have to sit in the room with the chair against the door
Good luck and grats on taking the first step!

CeilingCat

miserable wrote: »

when i finally told a councellor the FULL DETAILS of how truelly shocking the marriage was i got warned.she wasnt trying to scare me just tell me what could happen if i dont cave in to this bully.i could be killed.

You've now heard it from a professional who sees this kind of thing every day.

Keep a log of all the incidents, big and small.
Then go to the district court and get a protection order. They'll grant it, trust me - especially when you tell them that you had to barricade yourself into your own home because you were so terrified. You wouldn't treat an animal like that, it's unacceptable.

Bullies like this need to be given no leeway, no compromise. They feed on fear, but you'd be surprised at how many of them skulk off with their tails between their legs when someone finally stands up to them and shows that they mean business.

(ask me how I know... )

fionaincork

good for you girl - i hope you feel liberated now that you have crossed the line. there is no going back now - you can do this.
I agree with the others - listen to the caution and get some advice fast.
Yes he might run away with his tail between his legs once he realises you are serious - on the other hand he might not so please be careful.

Its not acceptable that you have to be afraid in your own home - you shoudl be able to get a barring order.

Tune out the wailing of the inlaws - it might be normal for them but you are not going to accept it as your normal - for you or your kids.

Also get some advice on the financial situation - its a very turbulent time - make sure you get all the help and good advice that you need.

Hang in there - you have done the hardest bit.
Fiona