Travelling alone is getting me down.

LegacyUser

Okay, this is my first time posting on Boards and i`m hoping i can get some advice please. I`m in a bit of a pickle at the moment and i`m not really sure what to do or how to deal with it on my own.

I`m travelling on my own around a particular continent (sorry, dòn`t want to give too much away, Ireland very small country, ye now yourself) at the moment, 6 months gone and another 6 months to go and although i was having a great time the first few months, the past few weeks have been tough. I know people probably have little sympathy for a person who has a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel and avoid the stresses of reality for one whole year but i worked hard for the past 3 years to save and this is probably the only time i will get to do this. Unfortunately, the past few weeks have been really tough and i`m afraid it`s going to continue and ruin the experience.

I have been very lonely the past few weeks, so lonely that i`m considering packing it all in and heading home. The fact that i have no opportunity to make any good friends who stick around longer than a week or two is getting me down. I`m cutting myself off from meeting new people because i`m sick of making a connection and then having to say goodbye after a few days. It`s too upsetting and once they`re gone, i have to start from scratch with more people and i`m just not bothered anymore with the same conversations of "where have you been and where are you going next".

I took the advice of a friend i met a few weeks ago and i have now decided to stay where i am at the moment, do some volunteering and get a chance to make some new friends that won`t move on after a few days. The volunteering is great but i`m staying in a hostel with travellers that stay there for one week max and the other volunteers are alot younger than me.

The loneliness is depressing the hell out of me and i`m not really sure how to deal with it. I get pangs of loneliness that are so overwhelming, i loose the desire to do anything. I broke up with my ex almost a year ago and it really hit me hard: depression, loss of weight and loss of enthusiasm for anything. I`d been planning to go travelling for a few years and so was my ex and there was talk of going together but after we broke up, i decided i`d go alone. It was a case of "the grass is always greener.." and i thought that travelling would sort everything out for me but obviously it hasn`t. I feel sad most days these days.

To stave off the loneliness, i`ve slept with more men in the past few months than i have the past few years in Ireland. This is not something i would do normally but the close contact with a human is nice for a while and i feel okay when this happens but of course, the next day i feel hallow and incredibly lonely again. It`s part of the backpacking culture to sleep around with people and say goodbye the following day but i feel too old for all this.

I`ve always been a worrier and i get particularly worried whether people like me or not and this is something that i thought i would get over at this stage of my life (late twenties) and this sometimes manifests itself in the form of mild panic attacks that are getting more frequent. Travelling alone has excentuated these feelings and although i find it easy to start conversations with people, i`m a fairly chatty type, i make people laugh and i`m generally liked, i think, when i have something in common with someone but this doesn`t happen as often as i would like and i`m starting to find these small-talk conversation irritating and spending more time by myself and loosing the enthusiasm i had for meeting new people i had in the beginning, which i know is not good for my mental health. This is partly because i`m afraid they won`t like me after they know me better and partly because i want "deeper" friendships with people i meet...but this is impossible after a few minutes chat and maybe hanging out for a few days.

I have good friends back home in Ireland and i miss the proper, easy chats we used to have about anything and everything. Occassionally i meet someone i get on great with and have a real bond with (this happened last night)but then they leave the next day. I`m not sure if it`s something to do with my age, alot of my fellow travellers are a good few years younger than me and i know it`s in my head but i feel like i`m too old to be doing this travelling malarky and the fact that i`m doing it alone, i`m female and i`m single is becoming more of an issue for me than it was in the first few months. I`d rather be doing it with someone else and i get resentful of people and especially couples who are travelling together. I thought i would have met "the one" by now (this is the first time in years i`ve been single for this long)and meeting so many couples travelling is making me more aware of how alone i really am. It`s scary sometimes.

I don`t want to go out on the piss very night and have drunken conversations with randoms that lead to nothing but this is the backpacking culture and alot of travellers are 24 and younger who i don`t have all that much in common with when it comes to the crunch. I think people change alot once they hit 25, wamt different things out of life and grow up a bit more. I`ve been doing this the past 5 months and i`ve had enough....without sounding like a tosspot,
i want a deeper, more meaningful experience from my travelling.

I don`t mean to moan so much, i know how lucky i am and like i said, it was great for the first few months and this could be just a phase but it seems to be getting worse, although i suppose i would rather be here than back at my 9-5 in Ireland. I dont think i like myself enough to go on with this for another 7 months and i really want to change that way of thinking before i ruin this once in a lifetime opportunity. Any advice for changing this way of thinking would be much appreciated. Thanks for reading this, i know it`s long auld rant. :-)

Victor

You don't have to travel for exactly 365.25 days, come home when you feel like it.

Miss Fluff

When travelling it is perfectly acceptable to tag along with people on their adventures too. So for example you meet 3/4 people travelling together whom you have spent a week or so bonding with, it IS ok to join them on their next leg etc (obviouslt if they think it's cool).

newestUser

I think that you should be easier on yourself for being a bit older than a lot of the people you meet, and for being single. Easier said than done, I know. I'm 30, and am currently working abroad for a year. When people here find this out, there's often a reaction of 'oh my god, how can you do that at your age?', and I suspect a bit of mistrust: 'what's he running away from? Why is he single? Is he a bit sad for coming here on his own, does he have no friends, etc. etc.'.

I'd say ease up on yourself for being single too, but as you said yourself, the issue is about being a single woman travelling, so I don't have the same perspective. I wouldn't expect you to be in a relationship though if you started backpacking as a singleton: I'd expect the lifestyle to be exactly as you described it, it's not conducive to establishing relationships.

As you said yourself, people change as they grow older, and become more diverse: there'll be more diversity of lifestyles and ambition amongst a group of 30 year olds than a group of 20/25 year olds. Don't feel bad because you feel you don't conform to the backpacker demographic in some way. There's always going to be someone questioning your decisions, regardless of what you do. You can't please everyone, or fit into what everyone thinks you should be or should do, the most important thing is that you please yourself.

I think you should call it quits and head home, to be honest. Travelling on your own is very lonely. I did 3 weeks travelling around California on my own a few years back, and the solitude was doing my nut in by the end. 6 months is a long time to do that sort of thing! The problems you're describing are part and parcel of being on the road. Unless you decide to stay in the one spot for 6 months, you're in for more of the same. If I were to go backpacking in the morning, I wouldn't expect my experience to be any different from yours. The inane, repetitive questions. People floating in and out of your life, with whom you only have fleeting, superficial connections. The irritation at how different you are from people only a few years younger than you.

You need to find a spot, commit to staying there for a few months, move into a houseshare, get a job, etc. If you can't, or won't, do that, you should come home in my opinion, because you've had your fun doing the backpacking thing, it's gotten stale for the time being, you're bored, and there's no point flogging a dead horse.

carolmon

Hi OP
i totally understand where you're coming from, I did a lot of backpacking about and I remember hitting the stage you are at now i.e. getting really bored with the limitations re friendships/ relationships.

I knew my time was up when I was sitting with a bunch of people on a gorgeous beach in Mexico, we were having exactly the conversation you described "where are you going next, what have you seen" etc, I remember saying to my boyfriend that I wanted to be curled up at home watching Corrie (never thought I'd see the day)

Anyway there really is no replacement for real friendship and sometimes the familiarity of home is what we need, esp when we're not feeling the best in ourselves, you're probably still feeling the effects of the breakup and understandably would like old friends around you.

When we're meeting new people constantly it can be tiring, there's a lot of energy involved in getting to know people, as you say wondering will they like you, are you funny enough, all that lark, and for what? They're gone the next day.

Travelling is fantastic and of course a year off is a gift but if in your heart you're not enjoying it just come home! There's no failure in it and you can always go off again when you want, it's not the only opportunity you'll have, all those sights will still be there to see next year.

Hope it works out for you.

RealEstateKing

And occassionally found it lonely. But I gotta say it depends what country I'm in. If I'm somewhere like Australia Ill get lonely. If Im somehwhere more exotic like India or Cambodia I wont, cause just being in such a cool place is enough to make you happy: Im far more likely to feel lonely in a Burger King in Australia than at a food shack in the Himalayas.

I think you should stick it out as best you can: Remember that you can actualy travel with people for a good long time: I hooked up with people on the road who I spent a month or two with and became great friends with: And for the most part those friendships are my most pleasant memory of travelling. All you gotta do is ask: Nobody will ever say no (assuming they're not one of those boring Euro-couples who travel alone, or a gang of people from a certain Middle-Eastern country that we all know but wont mention)

Stick it out, it IS worth it: Ive had the long dark nights of the soul while on the road too: But also most of the best times Ive had in my life have been on the road too.

You're gonna be stuck in a cubicle on this boring little rock for the rest of your life anyways, might as well anjoy yourself while you can!

miss_shadow

my two cents.. maybe helpful... maybe not.

http://www.ricksteves.com/graffiti/graffiti14.html
http://www.travbuddy.com/browse/users

just type travel partner into google!!;)

if thats not what your looking for, maybe you could pursuade a friend to come out there with you?
maybe this is a good time to get to like your own company.
i dono but if it were me, i would carry on, find a solution apart from coming home!! i wish i could do what your doing.

dory

I just came back from a year travelling alone - completely understand!
At about month no. 5 I very almost gave in. Volunteering did it for me - because we all lived in one house so we got to know each other. The only thing that saved my trip was that I went travelling after volunteering with people I worked with, then a friend came out and travelled with me. It's all about the people.

I would say - find a volunteering job with a better social aspect. And find someone to travel with - solo travelling isn't for everyone. I doubt I'd do it again.
Spoil yourself for a while, do a course, find people - do whatever it takes.
And if it all doesn't work - head home. No shame in that.

LegacyUser

Wow, quick responses! Thanks so much everyone for the empathy and advice and for taking time out to respond. UNfortunately going home is not really an option for me, i`d be even more pissed off with myself if i gave it all up now. Too stubborn and ####### myself for my own good. The idea of going home and looking for a job and getting back to the mundanity of the real world appeals to me even less than the idea of travelling alone for the next 6 months. I love Ireland but i`ve been saving for this trip for a very long time and i`d be very, very annoyed with myself if i didn`t keep at it and find a solution and just deal with this some way.

I have travelled with people for 2 weeks here and there but mainly it`s just for a few days (and funny you should mention those people from that particular middle-Eastern country, RealEstateKing, but i`ve made some of the best friendships on my travels so far with people from there...when they travel alone, which is rare i know, they`re actually great...besides from their politics but that`s a debate for another time!). I suppose i haven`t built up the confidence yet to ask groups if i could travel with them for a long period of time and usually wait for them to ask me. If they do, i panic and usually make an excuse that i`m going a different way to them...that`s a lack of confidence on my part, afraid they won`t like me when they really get to know me etc. I don´t know where this stems from, like i said, people generally like me and i have good friends back home on the Mothership. Silly really at my age to be thinking this way but there ye go.

I`ve taken everyone`s advice on board and i think the best thing to do would be stay where i am for now and maybe volunteer with a different organisation that has long-term volunteers (getting a job here isn`t an option), get out of the hostel scene and maybe look to share an apartment....i`m in a place where i can do this. Thanks for the advice everyone, it`s reasuring to know some of you have been in the same boat and it`s made me more determined to get over this phase.

miss_shadow

aww good on you!! have a brilliant time :D:D;)

HashSlinging

RealEstateKing wrote: »

And occassionally found it lonely. But I gotta say it depends what country I'm in. If I'm somewhere like Australia Ill get lonely. If Im somehwhere more exotic like India or Cambodia I wont, cause just being in such a cool place is enough to make you happy: Im far more likely to feel lonely in a Burger King in Australia than at a food shack in the Himalayas.

I think you should stick it out as best you can: Remember that you can actualy travel with people for a good long time: I hooked up with people on the road who I spent a month or two with and became great friends with: And for the most part those friendships are my most pleasant memory of travelling. All you gotta do is ask: Nobody will ever say no (assuming they're not one of those boring Euro-couples who travel alone, or a gang of people from a certain Middle-Eastern country that we all know but wont mention)

Stick it out, it IS worth it: Ive had the long dark nights of the soul while on the road too: But also most of the best times Ive had in my life have been on the road too.

You're gonna be stuck in a cubicle on this boring little rock for the rest of your life anyways, might as well anjoy yourself while you can!

Legend, travelled myself and share your view, OP move on, open up...most of all start enjoying yourself again. BUT if your feeling down, maybe try and get a job in one of the countries your in, that way you'll have more time with people.

Dave!

All the best OP, keep the chin up and remember how lucky you are to be in your situation I'm hoping to finish college in a year and then after I save for a few months, head off travelling for a year!

custom900

HTFU

Victor

custom900, can you post something constructive?

BraziliaNZ

I'm 28 now and have been away for 2 years and have made LOADS of friends here and there. I'm new where I am now but have met up and am living with people I met last year in New Zealand etc. Maybe you're just not making the right contacts. Yes most backpackers seem to be younger but there are others around our age too, I've met plenty, and older.

unhappycamper

miss_shadow wrote: »

aww good on you!! have a brilliant time :D:D;)

Sounds to me like you have had your fun with nobodies and you would rather a more inward spiritual journey. Accept that and drop the envy and you might find a greater happiness within yourself. You sound pretty cool to me.

LegacyUser

Your dead right, Happycamper, i was looking for more of a "spiritual journey" from the get-go but maybe i picked the wrong continent and didn´t expect the backpacking trail to be as it is. I thought i´d come across a lot more people looking for a similiar experience as myself.

I hate the fact that i´m envious of people travelling with friends and in couples, i was never the envious type and it´s a trait that´s come out in me that i just HATE. The worst part of it is i´ve started (drunken) arguments with people i´ve met over the past 6 months over topics that probably shouldn´t be discussed with virtual strangers like politics and religion; i say things i don´t really believe just to get a reaction, just to bring the conversation down a different route and to make things more interesting!! Really bizarre behaviour on my part and sometimes i wonder am i loosing it. I suppose the problem i´m going through right now is a spiritual journey of sorts and one i´m just gonna have to deal with. If not, i´ll head home to Ireland. Okay, enough on this topic, i feel stupid even complaining about my situation....i´m one lucky son of a gun to get a travel for a year and i need to just deal with it. Thanks again! Nice to vent when i don´t really have anyone else. I wouldn´t tell friends and family at home because they´d just tell me to give up and come home and i´d feel like a failure.

Daisygirl

Hi Traveller,

I travelled on my own also when I was 27, like you i thought it would be all great, adventures, meeting loads of people, an experience of a life time.. and it was!! But there was times when I was lonely wondering where all these people had gone?? It was then that I moved into a house share situation and met some great friends, people who house share tend to stay in one place for longer than those who stay in hostels. Also, join a club - it might sound funny but if you are anyway sporty join the local Irish football/camogie squad. They're always looking for people to play and its a very social thing!!! You'll get to meet a lot of people and lay the foundation for travelling companions.

Best of luck with the travelling, don't give up.... It might seem like you're heading down a black tunnel, but there is a light at the end of the tunnell and it'll be the best time you'll have on your own. Don't let your cares take over you - go out and enjoy yourself :P:P Ireland and the 9 - 5 job will be waiting for you xx

unhappycamper

A_traveller wrote: »

Your dead right, Happycamper, i was looking for more of a "spiritual journey" from the get-go but maybe i picked the wrong continent and didn´t expect the backpacking trail to be as it is. I thought i´d come across a lot more people looking for a similiar experience as myself.

I hate the fact that i´m envious of people travelling with friends and in couples, i was never the envious type and it´s a trait that´s come out in me that i just HATE. The worst part of it is i´ve started (drunken) arguments with people i´ve met over the past 6 months over topics that probably shouldn´t be discussed with virtual strangers like politics and religion; i say things i don´t really believe just to get a reaction, just to bring the conversation down a different route and to make things more interesting!! Really bizarre behaviour on my part and sometimes i wonder am i loosing it. I suppose the problem i´m going through right now is a spiritual journey of sorts and one i´m just gonna have to deal with. If not, i´ll head home to Ireland. Okay, enough on this topic, i feel stupid even complaining about my situation....i´m one lucky son of a gun to get a travel for a year and i need to just deal with it. Thanks again! Nice to vent when i don´t really have anyone else. I wouldn´t tell friends and family at home because they´d just tell me to give up and come home and i´d feel like a failure.

To be truthful if you keep looking in the one direction you will always keep looking at the same thing 'ENVY'. I am full of it sometimes. Creating a new you or a confident spiritual you is a far more interesting prospect in the long run. I admire your confidence for traveling alone and I would be feeling the exact same, it is only when you let go of this way of thinking that you realize that you are in the right place after all and that you are not there for anyone but you, you are special, you don't need anything but you. Majority of folk you meet will end up breaking up at some point anyway, they are experiencing the travel bug perhaps through rose tinted glasses and sure do you give a damn? No not at all. It is only when you look all around you that you see what you are missing and what is missing will see you back. Enjoy the break .

John Mason

i done the year out in Oz, i went by myself too. It was the best experience of my life but it wasnt all roses in the garden and shrimps on the barbie.

sometimes, its hard, when all you want to do is go home and sit with people who know you without having to go through your life history with some stranger yet again!

i stuck at it and it got great again. if you want come home, you should come home there is no law that says you have to stay there for the full year but.........

DAVE_K

I've travelled solo round South East Asia, Mexico and Eastern Europe.

What about making an effort to meet the locals? They're not going anywhere in a week or two and you might end up finding out a lot more about the places you're visiting.

TheDriver

I travelled solo too and there are days when its so lonely, i actually talked to myself sometimes outthere and also read whole books but having said that, i found some wonderful spiritual wellbeings when i came across something of beauty. I found strangers nice to meet also and get along for a bit, have a snog etc but it really made me realise whats important in life, how independent i can be and the achievement of it all. All my adventurous friends were shocked i did it and none of them would dare repeat my feat. Be proud of what you did, its lonely and isolated but remember how great it is that you made it this far, keep it going as the memories will all be worth it.
I for one, now realise whats important in life all because i found the end of the earth and saw how beautiful our planet and life itself is.