Can't make sense of my ex

LegacyUser

Ok so i'll try just give the relevant info. I knew my ex for 2 years before we became a couple, and in the last 6 months before we got together we were "best friends" in fact it was quite obsessive - we spoke on the phone or by text constantly until we both admitted we fancied eachother and got together - neither of us had any doubts and it seemed like a great idea.

So we both have our issues - he is 25, from a very wealthy family, only child - his father dies when he was 15 (suddenly) - he doesn't have the best relationship with his mother - they pretty much both were badly affected by his dads death but never really spoke about it - i don't know if this is anything to do with some of the unusual stuff he did/does but it must count for something. He has pretty much everything he could want, he's got a very expensive car, apartment, has a masters but hasn't found the right job yet so goes away on lots of holidays and weekend trips etc.

When we got together first he told me all about his dad, what happened, how it affected him, how he never discussed it with his mum because he felt bad for what she was going through and it was hard for me to get - but I tried - especially as in 7 years I was the first person he ever opened up too.

Our relationship lasted just over 2 years, I never met his mother - even though i dropped and collected him from his house, i never met most of his friends and I really wasn't involved in any part of his life besides being his "girlfriend" - it used to upset me but then i got used to it - he was strange in that he was never in to romantic gestures, if there was naything it would be me pushing him and he'd usually end up breaking up with me over the trauma it caused him.. After the first happy year he just became unhappy, and always said he wasn't happy and he broke up with me over really silly things then came back the next day - i used toget terribly upset and beg him not too and i wonder now if that was a bit of an ego trip but anyway - despite all these things, I was crazy about him. We bickered like a normal couple but instead of having a sulk and getting over it he would break up with me. Eventually i got so insecure in the relationship he broke up with me because he couldn't stand to reassure me anymore.

That was 10months ago. Since then even though I've requested no contact on several occasions we have stayed in touch, I think i still love him the same amount as i did the day we got together - i have been with other guys and although i've had a good time - that amazing chemistry just hasn't been there - I'm actually deliberatley staying away from other guys now because all it seems to do is make me feel there is no one else for me.

It's just that I am the opposite of him, I am from a normal middle class family, I worked really hard in college and to get a job, I live at home with my folks because i can't afford my own place yet (I'm 27) and i get on great with them. I don't earn as much as i would like too but I love my job and am quite successful. We are kind of from 2 different worlds and i always felt this is why he kept me away from the things he held dear - he always refuted this but never did anything to ease my suspicions.

Anyway, the thing is, after about 8 months of fighting with him on and off I just realised we are still as much in eachothers lives than we ever were, we pretty much still are best friends and i would LOVE to get back together with him because it feels so right (and if it's so wrong why is he always ringing me and meeting me for lunch) but he always says NO, NO WAY - maybe in the future but not any time soon.

We slept together again this week and i know the score - we're not getting back together but how can we be THIS close and he doesn't feel anything for me?

I can't see the wood from the trees anymore - maybe someone else can help?

uberpixie

soconfused wrote: »

We slept together again this week and i know the score - we're not getting back together but how can we be THIS close and he doesn't feel anything for me?

You are being used. The sooner you realise this the sooner you will move on.

From what you have said your "relationship" with this chap is one sided. You are crazy about him, he is not crazy about you.

Tbh he sounds spoiled and is well used to getting what he wants.

Cut the cancer: stop all contact with him. Take a break from dating until you meet someone you fancy and who will actually treat you right and not mess you around.

This lad is treating you like dirt. Take the hint and stop letting yourself be used. Have some respect for yourself.

Karen_*

You need to break away from this guy and I'm afraid at this stage that will only be done by him dropping you. And he WILL drop you just as soon as someone else comes along. You know this in your heart OP and how do you think you're going to feel when all of a sudden someone else is good enough for him?

You are setting yourself up here for a big fall. Its not because he has strang feelings for you that he's hanging on for dear life. Its because he's a gutless wonder and can't be alone so anyone will do. Now you're not good enough for him in his eyes and your eyes but who cares about your feelings? Just as long as he's ok.

He sounds like an absolute prat to be honest and you're running around like a headless chicken considering his feelings and taking the scraps off him.

Here's news for you. You ARE good enough for him and probably too good for him. He's a selfish immature guy who likes playing games. Let him play games so. Solitaire would be a nice one for him. Stop wasting your life. It will be hard but its an awful lot harder living your life like this and losing self respect every day. He is not the be all and end all and he won't be treating anyone else better but he'll sure let you think he is.

And just because you'll miss him and have feelings for him still doesn't make him the man of your dreams. Love shouldn't be this hard.

Wurly

OP, im sorry but I think this guy was just using you.

He was not willing to integrate you into his life... That's a huge alarm bell right there...

He broke up with you over silly things - looking for any excuse more like.

I think, honestly, that he wasn't into you... But he pursued the relationship anyway. Reason? Maybe he just didn't want to be alone or something...

Im sorry if this hurts but what will hurt you more is hanging around like an idiot waiting for the next crumb from this prat..

I think you need to re-define your boundaries with men and I think your self esteem needs a good shake up. If this is what you think love is - then, I fear for you...

He is not interested OP, certainly not as much as he should be.

Why in the hell would you want to be with someone who is not capable of being romantic, who will not make you part of his life and who breaks up with you left, right and centre? Is that all you're worth? Really?

What happened to you for you to have such bad self esteem?? You need to work on this OP, otherwise you are going to keep settling for d1ckheads. And after a time, that erodes self confidence at an alarming rate..

Please look inward on this situation. Let this be the last time that you are treated like this. Start working on your esteem. And stop trying to 'make sense' of this silly man.

I wish you the best of luck... You owe this to yourself.

Colonel_McCoy

This guy is using and treating you like crap and deep down you know this. Made similar mistakes to you trying to stay in contact with an ex........but it never works out.......... Move on you deserve better.......................when you stop looking is when you will meet somebody

Kiera

Shot and to the point:
You need to break all contact so you can get over him, no texts no nothing. I don’t mean this in a horrible way but he see’s you as an easy lay.

kmick

Get rid of this guy. He is holding you back. From a guys perspective its typical behaviour when you are under 21 but this guy is still at it so he will not change. Try and get over him even if it takes some time and go out and meet new people. You say he is everything you want but he never brought you to meet his mum or his friends - this is typical fcuk buddy behaviour. Get out now before he decides to give it another try and wastes 2 more years of your life.

EDIT - you could also try the treat em mean keep em keen mentality. If you really think he is worth a shot make yourself unavailable, tell him you are seeing someone else, dont answer calls, rarely answer texts and always be too busy. Maybe he realises what he is missing. IMHO opinion though that route will ultimately fail as you will have to give in eventually and then the chase will be over for him.

Gyalist

soconfused wrote: »

We slept together again this week and i know the score - we're not getting back together but how can we be THIS close and he doesn't feel anything for me?

I can't see the wood from the trees anymore - maybe someone else can help?

Men, generally, are able to separate sex from emotional intimacy. Some women are able to do so too but, in general, they are inextricably linked in the minds of most women.

This guy seems to only think of you as an easy reliable shag. That's most likely why you haven't met his family and friends.