Difference of opinion on Parents

LegacyUser

I will try to keep to brief and concise and as neutral a viewpoint as I can.

Im with my fiance for a number of years and we bought a house some time ago that coincidentally is very close to his sister's house. My family is quite large and lively, almost all my brothers and sisters bar one (and myself) are married with kids. My fiance comes from a smaller family and his sister just had the first grandchild of the family with her husband a few weeks ago.

Anytime the topic of parents comes with my fiance it can lead to a row and lately its being getting nasty. I come from a very loving family and they would do anything for me. Even though they live about 100 miles away they still come up to visit quite regularly and stay over. Sometimes i can see it annoys my fiance as my parents might sometimes tell me on the day or a day beforehand that they will be up. But they are my parents afterall.

His family are quite different. His parents rarely call over. I do get on with them but Im getting quite annoyed with them. They are visiting his sister a bit with the new baby but dont always call in when they do, they might quickly stop by to say hello. I work from home so i cant understand why they wouldnt even walk around with the baby to say hello. Its only about 30 minute walk. His parents only seem to call for an evening for example if we invite them and even then they can be tricky to "book" as they lead busy lives too!

My fiance sees know problem with this and it is driving me mad! He think its acceptable and even goes so far as to say he likes they way they arent intrusive! But they are his parents! My parents appear to ber so much loving compared to his! But he does get on with them. He sometimes goes quiet around them or my family which i reckon is introversion but he doesnt. Then again he isnt really an introvert person.

Im really trying to get through to him about this. Ive been asking him to make more of an effort with my family. Sometimes when we go to family occasions in my house (and normally we would stay the weekend or for an occasion), he gets quiet around them and doesnt participate. This is not the man i fell in love with! He gives me an excuse like he has made the effort in the past (which he used to) but he doesnt have much in common with my brothers and sisters and they dont make much effort in return.

I really want to try sort this with him, i know in-laws are supposed to be difficult just like the cliche but i really think he needs to see how unacceptable it is for his parents to carry on like that. Am i going mad?

not yet

LIFE MY FRIEND..............

It takes all sorts to make up this world, we need to understand changing people to suit us is really not the way to go. just enjoy what you and the guy have and try not worry about his family etc.

marti101

Actually i dont see either parent as wrong just different.You say you work from home so they probably dont want to drop in unanounced as you are working.If you want to see the baby you go yourself.With regards to your parents try and see it from your bf point of view.Maybe he wants a quiet night and up pop your parents,so maybe say it to them that such and such a time is better and see how that works out.

BCD

I can understand his point of view completely. I personally wouldn't be a fan of my inlaws regulary coming over to stay especially at such short notice. I understand that you are quite close to your family, nothing wrong with that but times have changed & it's time to move on. You are no longer at home & I suppose your parents should realise this too. Maybe he feels they are getting in the way if you know what I mean?

valleyoftheunos

you have differernt family backrounds, accept that. Its not for you to say that the way his family is is "unaceptable". They are clearly happy, his parents rarely call around unannounced and he likes that they aren't intrusive. Its not that they dont want to see you so shouldn't be offeneded (which it seems you are), they have boundries and they respect them, that these boundries are different from your family's doesn't mean you should judge them so harshly.

It seems that his family, including his parents are quite independent, his parents spent many years raising him and his sister and are now dedicating some time to themselves. That they require "booking" is indicitive of this and is perfectly ok.

As the poster above said, it takes all sorts, your families are different but both are loving and happy, dont be so quick to judge and dont be offended.

LillyVanilli

I would much prefer parents like his than like yours to be honest. I wouldnt like them dropping in unexpectedly at all.

AngryBadger

OP the only part of this which I could see as an issue is if your Fiancee is as you say not making much of an effort with your family.

His family are entitled to be less outgoing/affectionate than yours, and as long as he's happy with it then I don't think you have any business demanding they change to suit you. Regards visiting his sister more, she's just had a baby, no doubt they're completely ecstatic at having a new grandchild. And who can blame them for that?

Karen_*

Imagine if the situation were reversed and your fiance was making an issue out of your parents being there so often. It would be unthinkable and very unfair wouldn't it?

Its one thing trying to change a man but you're going a step further and trying to change his parents too! I think you just need to live and let live OP. You really could have worse problems than this.

faceman

OP, i really think you should focus on your feelings for your fiance and not for those around him. Afterall its him that you are marrying not his family. Its not really a question of which family behaves better or more loving.

Every family is different and im sure every family thinks that they do things the best way.

neuro-praxis

This is a question of expectations.

You have certain expectations of him and his family based on nothing except your own previous family experience. That's not really not fair. Everyone is different.

Solarball10

Right OP, as someone very wisely already said on here - it's him you're marrying, not his family.
Personally, I think it's a case of having to agree to disagree. Myself, I can see your b/f's point of view. I would definitely not want to see his family too regularly (don't get me wrong, I love his family, pure dotes), but to me, (and this would apply to my own family as well) seeing them would be enough about once a month! Especially in your case (you say you're 100 miles away from them) but yet they visit regularly. How regular are we talking about? Once a week? Fortnight? You certainly have one loving family for them to travel that far! But I can see why your b/f would be annoyed - I'd view this as being a bit clingy (your family, that is!). Really, the majortity of your time should be spent with your b/f (who's your link to making you own family), and family time should be kept to whenever you go home to visit them, or them visiting you the ODD time.

As for the b/f's family, they sound a bit more like mine - they would call to "book" as you say, which is so much better than arriving on the door step unannounced with the place a mess, and no milk in the house for a cuppa

My advice to you? I'll say it again - you're with him. Concentrate on him. Fair enough, the odd family occassion arises, and it's fair enough that you want him to be there and participate.
But maybe try cut the normal family visits to every couple of months! (them visiting you, that is)

AnonoBoy

It's not 'unacceptable' as you put it for his parents to act the way they're acting. Some families are like that - I see my parents a few times a year only and maybe talk to them on the phone once every 2 weeks or so. If my girlfriend was to tell me that this was 'unacceptable' I'd laugh at her.

Seriously now - your families are different and fighting with him about it isn't going to do you any good. As for him being quiet around your family - well there's probably a good reason. If his family are more stand-offish then perhaps he feels a bit overwhelmed when surrounded by a very chatty family. Also when you say that your parents appear to be much more loving than his I hope you realise that that's just how things may appear and may not be the reality of it. To your eyes I bet my relationship with my parents would appear unloving because they don't call over to me a lot but you'd be very wrong.

leeroybrown

OP, to be honest I think you're the one that's acting in an unacceptable fashion. Not every family spend their lives in each other's pockets. If I were in your fiance's position I'd probably consider your families continued presence an overbearing intrusion and it would cause problems.

I'd suggest sorting this out properly soon or your misguided definition of 'loving' will drag your relationship down with it.

Waylander

leeroybrown wrote: »

OP, to be honest I think you're the one that's acting in an unacceptable fashion. Not every family spend their lives in each other's pockets. If I were in your fiance's position I'd probably consider your families continued presence an overbearing intrusion and it would cause problems.

I'd suggest sorting this out properly soon or your misguided definition of 'loving' will drag your relationship down with it.

+1

Bricriu

Sorry about this, but if I was your fiancé, I'd start running now.

I married into a situation very similar to your fiancé's, and my ex-wife nearly drove me bonkers with her family always 'dropping in', and regular dinner parties, and putting pressure on me to see my own family more. Her family were conservative, boring yawns whose opinions came straight out of the newspapers or TV, and who avoided any real, deep communication.

God, it's upsetting me to think back on it now, it was so stifling and boring!

ChocolateSauce

Families have different dynamics, get over it and get used to it. I only see my family (and mean ANY of them) once a year, and if they dropped in on me unannounced I'd be angry. I love them, but my sanity and independence rides on me not seeing them very often.

MagicMarker

Sorry OP, but you are completely wrong.

Not every family is like your family. He's happy with how his family interact and it's quite clear he is unhappy with your family dropping in all the time, however it seems he puts up with it for you, why not extend to him the same courtesy?

Mixedup

God love your fiance! i'd go mental if my parents were dropping in all the time and staying over!

at least your own parents arent avoiding you, if youre happy with yours dropping in, and he's happy with how often he sees his, and he's not making an issue about your lot, then you don't have a problem!

lushballs

Issue of different family cultures here and how they manage relationship boundaries. At the extremes boundaries can be too close or too distant. May be helpful to discuss this issue openly re merging/managing your family of origin cultures. Sounds like your fiance is brooding/protesting in silence about this issue when he visits your family. Talk about it together to explore how to manage this and meet each other's needs.

MJOR

Right I understand that you are close to your family and that is how you grew up, but your OH is entitled to be how he is around his family. A first grandchild is always a big joy and generally they are made a song and dance of.

My advice is set some boundaries for your families. There is no point in trying to change the family's dynamics. Just roll with it